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BOOK  OF  ehquette 


Brown  Bros. 


ON  HER  WEDDIING  DAY 
The  greatest  charm  of  the  bride's  costume  lies  in  its  simplicity 


m  BOOR  OF  m 

ETIQUETTE 


BY 


^1      LILLIAN    EICHLER      j^^ 


VOLUME  I 


ILLUSTRATED 


NELSON  DOUBLEDAY,  Inc. 

OYSTER  BAY,  N.  Y. 

1922 


COPYRIGHT,   1921,   BY 

NELSON   DOUBLED  AT,  INC. 

ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED,   INCLUDING   THAT  OF  TRANSLATION 

INTO  FOREIGN  LANGUAGES,  INCLXTSINQ  THE  SCANDINAVIAN 


FBHTTED  IK  THE  tTNITED  STATES 

AT 

THE  COUNTBY  LffB  PRESS,' GABDEN  CITT,  W.  T. 


PREFACE 

Success  without  culture  is  like  old-fashioned  straw- 
berry short  cake  without  the  whipped  cream.  It  has  no 
flavor. 

There  are  certain  little  courteous  observances,  certain 
social  fonnalities  that  bespeak  the  true  lady,  the  true 
gentleman.  Some  of  us  call  it  good  form.  Some  of  us 
call  it  culture.  Some  of  us  call  it  etiquette.  But  we 
all  admit  that  it  makes  the  world  a  better  place  to 
live  in. 

In  Italy,  young  men  and  women  are  considered  ben 
educate,  not  when  they  can  read  and  write,  but  when  they 
know  the  established  forms  of  convention — ^when  they  can 
show  by  a  correct  dignity  and  ease  of  manner  that  they 
are  perfect  in  their  knowledge  of  the  rules  of  good 
society.  And,  after  all,  don't  you  yourself  judge  people 
by  what  they  do,  and  say,  and  wear?  Don't  you  read 
in,  their  manner  and  appearance  tho  secret  of  their 
inner  worth?  Isn't  character  and  disposition  revealed  in 
the  outer  personality? 

Perhaps  you  have  heard  the  story  of  the  **gentleman" 
who  prided  himself  on  being  perfect  in  the  art  of  etiquette. 
On  one  occasion,  he  passed  a  lake  and  heard  a  drowning 
man  call  for  help.  Quickly  he  threw  off  his  coat  and 
was  about  to  plunge  into  the  water,  when  he  suddenly  re- 


Ti  PREFACE 

membered  that  he  had  never  been  introduced  to  the 
struggling  victim.  Putting  on  liis  coat  again,  he  pro- 
ceeded on  his  way  quite  self-satisfied. 

This  is  an  instance  where  common-sense  would  have 
been  the  better  part  of  etiquette.  Too  rigid  an  observance 
of  the  laws  of  good  society  makes  them  nothing  short  of 
an  absurdity.  The  purpose  of  correct  manners  is  not 
to  enable  us  to  strut  about  in  society  and  command  the 
admiring  glances  of  the  people  around  us — as  the  pea- 
cock, in  its  vanity,  parades  before  onlookers  in  a  proud 
dignity  that  is  quite  obviously  assumed.  The  true  service 
of  etiquette  is  so  to  strengthen  and  simplify  the  social  life 
that  we  are  able  to  do  what  is  absolutely  correct  and 
right  without  even  stopping  to  tliink  about  it. 

That,  then,  is  the  purpose  of  THE  BOOK  OF  ETI- 
QUETTE— to  give  to  the  reader  so  clear  and  definite  an 
understanding  of  the  social  life  that  he  will  be  able  to 
have  at  all  times,  under  all  conditions,  that  unaffected 
grace  and  charm  of  manner  that  the  French  like  to  call 
savoir  faire.  It  has  been  written,  not  for  the  exceedingly 
ill-bred  or  for  the  highly  polished,  but  for  those  who  find  a 
certain  sense  of  satisfaction  in  doing  what  is  correct — 
sincere  men  and  women  who,  in  the  performance  of  their 
business  and  social  duties,  find  that  there  is  a  constant 
need  for  cordial  and  gracious  relationship  with  those 
around  them. 

If  the  following  chapters  awaken  in  the  reader  the 
desire  for  closer  companionship  with  the  vast  world  of 
human  nature,  of  wliich  we  are  all  a  part ;  if  it  takes  from 
his  nature  all  that  is  coarse,  awkward  and  unrefined,  sub- 
stituting instead  of  gallantry  of  spirit  and  a  gentleness 


PREFACE  vii 

of  breeding;  if  it  makes  him  a  more  loving  and  a  more 
lovable  person— then  THE  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 
will  have  served  its  purpose. 

Incidentally,  the  author  is  indebted  to  Mr.  L.  E.  Smith, 
without  whose  cooperation  this  book  would  never  have 
been  written. 

Lillian  Eichler^ 


CONTEXTS 


PART  I 

CHAPTEB  rAOS 

I.     Introduction  to  Etiquette 1 

What  is  Etiquette? — Laws  of  Society — Con- 
trol of  the  Impulses — Regard  for  the  Rights 
of  Others — The  Danger  of  Intolerance — 
"Why  it  Pays  to  Be  Agreeable — The  Simplest  i 

Culture. 

II.     Etiquette's    Reward 11 

The  Origin  of  Manners — The  Manners  of 
To-day  —  Good  Society  in  America  —  The 
True  Lady  and  Gentleman — The  Secret  of 
Social  Success — ^What  Manners  Will  Do  for 
You — Etiquette's  Reward. 

III.  Engagements 20 

Of  Special  Importance  —  The  Proposal  — 
The  Engagement  Ring — ^Announcing  the  En- 
gagement— The  Most  Usual  Method — ^An- 
nouncing an  Engagement  in  the  Newspapers 
—  Engagement  Gifts  —  Bridal  Showers  — 
Length  of  the  Engagement  —  Responsibility 
for  the  Wedding — Families  and  Friends. 

IV.  Wedding  Invitations  and  Announcements    .       31 

The  Wedding  Invitation — Size  and  Material 
— Kinds  of  Envelopes — ^Addressing  the  En- 
velopes— Invitations  to  Church  Wedding — 
Invitation  to  Home  Wedding — ^Wedding  in  a 


CONTENTS 


Friend's  Plome — When  Cards  are  Enclosed 
— Invitations  to  Second  Marriages — Invita- 
tion to  Wedding  Anniversary  —  Informal 
Wedding  Invitation  —  Acknowledging  the 
Formal  Wedding  Invitations — Whom  to  In- 
vite— Sending  the  Invitations — Recalling  the 
Wedding  Invitation  —  Breaking  an  Engage- 
ment— Returning  Gifts — ^When  Death  Inter- 
venes. 

V.     Weddings ••     .       49 

The  Church  Wedding  —  Attendants  —  The 
Bridesmaids  —  Reiiearsals  —  Regarding  the 
Ushers — The  Wedding  Day — ^Arriving  at  the 
Church  —  Wedding  Music  —  The  Wedding 
Procession  —  The  Ceremony  —  Leaving  the 
Altar — Rice,  etc. — The  Wedding  Reception 
— The  Wedding  Breakfast— The  Wedding 
Present — ^Acknowledging  Wedding  Presents 
— The  Home  Wedding — The  Second  Wed- 
ding— Some  Important  Conventions — Seek- 
ing Advice  —  Wedding  Anniversaries  —  The 
Silver  Wedding — The  Reception — Tin  and 
Wooden  Weddings — The  Golden  Wedding — 
The  Golden  Wedding  a  Glorious  Achievement. 

VI.     The  Bride's  Outfit 73 

Origin  of  the  Trousseau — The  Trousseau  of 
To-day — About  the  Linens — For  the  Bride — 
The  Wedding  Dress— The  Bride's  Veil- 
Wedding  Flowers — Dress  of  the  Maid  of 
Honor — Marrying  in  Traveling  Dress. 

VII.     Funerals 83 

Funeral  Customs — The  Funeral  of  To-day — 
V/hen  Death  Enters  the  Family — Taking 
Charge  —  Announcing     the     Death  —  Some 


CONTENTS  3d 


Necessary  Preparations — The  Ladies  of  the 
Family — The  Pall-Bearers — Duties  of  Pall- 
Bearers — The  Church  Funeral — Order  of 
Precedence — The  House  Funeral — ^A  Point 
of  Importance — Removing  Signs  of  Grief — 
Seclusion  During  Mourning  —  Dress  at 
Funerals  —  Interment  and  Cremation  — 
Mourning  Dress — Mourning  Dress  for  Men 
— Mourning  Stationery. 

VIII.     Christenings         104 

Announcing  the  Birth  of  the  Child — Re- 
sponding to  the  Announcement — Godparents 
— Invitations  to  a  Christening — A  Church 
Christening — The  House  Christening — ^After 
the  Baptism — Gifts. 


PART  II 

I.     Introductions 113 

Purpose  of  the  Introduction — Creating  Con- 
versation—When to  Introduce — Importance 
of  Care — Special  Introductions — When  the 
Name  Isn't  Heard — The  Correct  Introduc- 
tion— Group  Introductions — The  Chance  In- 
troduction— Incomplete  Introductions  —  In- 
direct Introductions  —  The  Acknowledgment 
• — Forms  of  Acknowledgment — Future  Recog- 
nition of  Introduction — Introducing  at  Din- 
ner— Introducing  at  the  Dance — Introducing 
at  Receptions — Speaking  without  Introduc- 
tion— Introducing  Children — Cordiality  in 
Introductions. 

II.     Letters  of  Introduction 135 

The  Letter  of  Introduction — Presenting  the 
Letter — ^Acknowledging  a  Letter  of  Introduc- 


xii  CONTENTS 

CHAPTEa  tMSa 

tion — Model  ix;tters  of  Introduction  —  The 
Card  of  Introduction  —  Business  Introduc- 
tions. 

III.     Calls  and  Calling  Customs 142 

The  Beginning  of  Social  Calls — ^When  Calls 
are  Made — The  Proper  Length  of  a  Call — 
The  Day  at  Home — Dress  for  Calls — Pay- 
ing the  First  Call — Calls  of  Obligation  — 
About  Returning  Calls — The  Call  of  Con- 
dolence— The  Call  of  Congratulations  and 
Inquiry  —  The  Social  Calls  of  Men  —  The 
Invalid's  Call — Asking  a  New  Acquaintance 
to  Call — The  Woman's  Business  Call — Re- 
ceiving Calls — Duties  of  the  Hostess — Re- 
ceiving the  Chance  Caller — ^When  the  Host  is 
at  Home — Taking  Leave  of  the  Hostess — 
The  Evening  Call — Wlien  Gentlemen  Receive 
Callers — Making  a  Chance  Call — Informal 
CaUs. 

rV,     Visiting  Cards — ^and  Others 165 

Your  Card  a  Representative  of  You — Gen- 
eral Rules  Regarding  Cards — Size  of  Cards 
for  Women — Size  and  Material  of  Cards  for 
Men — Titles  on  Cards  for  Women — Cards 
for  Widows — The  Young  Lady's  Card — 
Indicating  the  Day  at  Home — The  Married 
Couple's  Card — Using  Jr.  and  Sr. — Titles  on 
Cards  for  Men — Professional  Cards  for  Men 
— Cards  for  Mourning — When  the  Woman 
Goes  a-Calling — When  More  than  One  Card 
is  Left — Some  More  Points  About  Calls  and 
Cards — The  Chance  Call  —  Simple  Card- 
Leaving — Should  a  Stranger  Leave  Cards? 
— Cards  and  Business  Calls — When  a  Man 
Leaves  Cards — The  Man's  Chance  Call — 
About  Leaving  and  Posting  Cards — Leaving 


CONTENTS  xin 


Cards  of  Inquiry — ^Acknowledging  Cards  of 
Inquiry  and  Condolence  —  Announcement 
Cards — ^When  Traveling— P.  P.  C.  Cards. 

V.     Invitations 198 

Some  General  Rules — Invitation  to  a  Formal 
Dance — Accepting  the  Invitation — For  the 
Informal  Dance — The  Dinner  Dance — The 
Debut  Dance — Invitations  for  the  Subscrip- 
tion Dance  —  Acknowledging  Subscription 
Dance  Invitations — Invitation  to  Public  Ball 
—Requesting  an  Invitation — The  Dinner  In- 
vitation— In  Honor  of  Celebrated  Guests — 
The  Acknowledgments — For  the  Informal 
Dinner — When  the  Dinner  is  Not  at  Home^ 
The  Daughter  as  Hostess — Inviting  a  Stop- 
Cap — To  Break  a  Dinner  Engagement — In- 
vitations for  Luncheons — ^Acknowledging  the 
Luncheon  Invitation — The  Informal  Invita- 
tion— Reception  Invitations  —  Reception  in 
Honor  of  a  Special  Guest — Invitations  to 
Garden  Parties — ^Acknowledging  the  Garden 
Party  Invitation  —  House  or  Week-End 
Parties — The  "Bread-and-Butter"  Letter- 
Invitations  to  the  Theater  and  Opera — In- 
vitations to  Musicales  and  Private  Theatri- 
cals— Children's  Party  Invitations — Invita- 
tions to  a  Christening — ^A  Word  of  Special 
Caution. 

VI.     Correspondence 235 

To-day  and  Yesterday — The  Letter  You 
Write — The  Business  Letter — Function  of 
the  Social  Letter — The  Etiquette  of  Station- 
ery— Letter  and  Note  Paper — Crests  and 
Monograms  —  Use  of  the  Typewriter  —  Re- 
garding the  Salutation — Closing  the  Letter — 
Addressing   the    Envelope — Letter   of    Con 


xiv  CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAOm 

dolence — ^Acknowledging  a  Letter  of  Condol- 
ence— Etiquette  of  the  Friendly  Letter — The 
Child's  Letter — Letters  to  Persons  of  Title. 

VII.     Parents  and  Children 254 

The  Home — ^Appearance  of  the  House — 
Dress — Dress  for  Children — Children  and 
Development  —  Know  Your  Children !  — 
Imitation  —  The  Child's  Speech  —  At  the 
Table  —  Playmates  —  Children's  Parties  — 
Planning  Surprises  —  Receiving  the  Young 
Guests  —  About  the  Birthday  Party  —  When 
the  Young  Guests  Leave — Children's  Enter- 
tainments Away  from  Home — Children  and 
Dancing — ^A  Word  to  Parents — Amusements 
— Let  the  Child  be  Natural — The  Young 
Girl — The  Girl's  Manner — The  Chaperon — 
The  Young  Country  Miss — The  Girl  and 
Her  Mother — For  the  Shy  and  Self-Con- 
scious — Forget  About  Yourself — ^Why  the 
Shy  are  Awkward — Self-Confidence  Versus 
Conceit — Country  Hospitality  —  Importance 
of  Simplicity — The  Hostess — The  Guest — 
For  Country  Folks — The  Endless  Round  of 
Hospitality — When  to  Invite — The  Guests 
and  Their  Duties — Addressing  Titled  People. 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 
On  Heb  Wedding  Day Frontispiece 

FACE 

Church  Decorated  for  a  Formal  Weddino     ...       62 

An  Altar  for  a  Home  Wedding ,     14jj 

Decorations  for  a  Wedding  in  a  Small  Church       „     1^ 


PART  I 

"The  power  of  manners  is  incessant — an  element  as 
unconcealable  as  fire.  The  nobility  cannot  in  any  coun- 
try be  disguised,  and  no  more  in  a  republic  or  a  democracy 
than  in  a  kingdom.  There  are  certain  manners  tihich 
are  learned  in  good  society,  of  that  force  that,  if  a  person 
have  them,  he  or  she  must  be  considered,  and  is  every- 
where welcome,  though  without  beauty,  or  wealth,  or 
genius." 

-—From  Emerson's  Essays, 


W  BOOK  OF  Iff 
P  ETIQUETTE^ 

CHAPTER  I 
INTRODUCTION  TO  ETIQUETTE 

WHAT    IS    ETIQUETTE? 

At  a  meeting  of  army  officers  during  the  Civil  War, 
one  of  them  began  to  relate  a  questionable  story,  remark- 
ing, as  if  to  excuse  his  lack  of  good  taste,  that  "there 
were  no  ladies  present."  General  Grant,  who  was  acting 
as  chairman  of  the  meeting,  remarked,  "No,  but  there  are 
gentlemen" — and  he  refused  to  allow  the  officer  to  con- 
tinue the  story. 

What  is  a  gentleman?  The  question  is  an  old  one.  It 
cannot  be  ancestry,  for  often  the  son  of  most  noble  and 
honored  parentage  is  merely  a  coarse  compound  of  clay 
and  money,  offered  to  society  as  a  gentleman.  It  cannot 
be  dress — for  surely  Beau  Brummell  was  not  what  the 
world  loves  to  call  a  gentleman,  despite  his  stiffly  starched 
cravats  and  brightly  polished  boots.  It  cannot  be  money, 
for  then  many  a  common  thief,  made  wealthy  by  his  ill- 
gotten  gains,  would  be  entitled  to  the  name  of  gentleman. 

No,  it  is  something  that  goes  deeper  than  ancestry  or 
dress  or  wealth — something  that  is  nobler  and  finer  than 
any,  or  all,  of  these.  Perhaps  it  can  be  best  expressed 
by  this  beautiful  example  of  what  true  etiquette  can 
mean: 

Henry  Ward  Beecher,  on  a  very  cold  day,  stopped  to 

1 


2  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

buy  a  newspaper  from  a  ragged  youngster  who  stood 
shivering  on  a  comer.  *'Poor  little  fellow,"  he  said, 
"aren't  you  cold  standing  here?"  The  boy  looked  up 
with  a  smile  and  said,  *'I  was,  sir — before  you  passed." 

The  word  etiquette  itself  does  not  mean  very  much.  It 
comes  from  the  same  origin  as  the  word  "ticket"  and 
originally  meant  the  rules  of  court  ceremony  printed  on 
tickets  that  were  given  to  each  person  presented  at  court. 
But  through  generations  the  ideal  of  perfected  culture 
surged,  until  to-day  we  have  a  code  of  manners  that  is 
the  pride  and  inspiration  of  refined  living. 

liAWS  OF  SOCIETY 

Etiquette,  after  all,  is  not  the  finished  work,  but  merely 
a  tool  that  opens  the  portals  to  a  broader  life,  to  a  greater 
social  happiness.  Through  its  influence  we  are  brought 
into  close  companionship  with  the  really  worth-while 
minds  of  our  day.  By  faithful  constancy  to  its  rules  we 
gradually  mold  our  characters  until,  in  our  outward 
dignity  and  charm,  the  world  reads  and  understands  our 
ideals. 

There  is  in  every  human  nature  the  desire  for  social 
happiness — ^which  is,  frankly,  in  other  words,  the  desire 
so  to  impress  by  one's  manner  that  one  will  be  welcome 
and  respected  wherever  one  chances  to  be.  And  it  is  only 
by  adhering  to  the  fundamental  laws  of  good  society  that 
this  social  happiness  can  ever  be  attained. 

In  observing  the  established  etiquette  of  modem  society 
it  is  necessary  to  pay  particular  attention  to  one's  appear- 
ance, manner,  and  speech.  It  must  be  remembered  that 
the  world  is  a  harsh  judge  and  is  perfectly  willing  to 
condemn  us  by  outward  appearances.     In  the  street-car. 


INTRODUCTION  TO  ETIQUETTE  3 

in  the  ball-room,  at  the  theater — every  day  people  are 
reading  the  story  of  our  characters  and  ideals. 

Society  has  its  own  definite  code  of  manners  that  must 
be  observed  before  one  can  enter  its  portals.  There  are 
certain  rules  that  must  be  followed  before  one  can  enter 
its  envied  circle.  There  are  conventionalities  that  must  be 
obser^'ed  in  requesting  a  lady  to  dance,  in  acknowledging 
an  introduction,  in  using  the  knife  and  fork  at  the  dinner 
table.  There  are  certain  prevailing  modes  in  dressing  for 
the  theater  and  reception.  To  know  and  adhere  to  these 
laws  is  to  be  admitted  to  the  highest  society  and  enj  oy  the 
company  of  the  most  brilliant  minds. 

Etiquette  is  an  art — the  art  of  doing  and  saying  the 
correct  tiling  at  the  correct  time — the  art  of  being  able 
to  hold  oneself  always  in  hand,  no  matter  how  exacting 
the  circumstance.  And  like  music  or  painting  or  writing, 
the  more  you  study  it,  the  more  you  apply  yourself  to  its 
principles,  the  more  perfectly  your  own  character  is 
molded. 

CONTEOIi    OF    THE    IMPULSES 

The  cultured  man  is  never  angry,  never  Impatient,  never 
demonstrative.  His  actions  and  speech  are  tempered  with 
a  dispassionate  calmness  and  tranquillity  that  the  French 
admiringly  call  sang  froid.  He  knows  how  to  control  his 
emotions  so  effectively  that  no  one  can  read,  in  his  self- 
possessed  expression,  whether  he  is  angry  or  pleased,  dis- 
couraged or  eager. 

Perhaps  the  most  striking  and  admirable  thing  about  a 
man  of  breeding  is  his  carefully  discipUned  impulses.  He 
may  at  times  lose  control  of  himself,  but  he  is  never  petu- 
lant, never  incoherent.     He  may  be  greatly  enthusiastic 


4  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

about  some  unexpected  happening,  but  he  never  becomes 
excited,  never  loses  control  of  his  reasoning  faculties.  He 
never  gives  the  appearance  of  being  in  a  hurry,  no  matter 
how  swift  his  actions  may  be — there  is  always  about  him 
the  suggestion  of  leisure  and  poise. 

Swearing  is  essentially  vulgar.  It  was  Dr.  Crane,  the 
famous  essayist  and  philosopher,  who  said  in  one  of  his 
delightful  talks,  *'The  superior  man  is  gentle.  It  is  only 
the  man  with  a  defective  vocabulary  that  swears.  AU 
noise  is  waste.  The  silent  sun  is  mightier  than  the  whirl- 
wind. The  genuine  lady  speaks  low.  The  most  striking 
characteristic  of  the  superior  ones  is  their  quiet,  their 
poise.  They  have  about  them  a  sense  of  the  stars." 
Strong  feeling,  anger,  have  no  place  in  the  social  life. 

We  are  all  uneasy  at  times.  We  all  have  our  em- 
barrassing moments.  But  the  well-bred  person  knows 
how  to  conceal  his  emotions,  and  impulses,  so  well  that  no 
one  but  he  himself  knows  that  he  is  uneasy  or  embarrassed. 
It  is  not  only  exceedingly  unpleasant,  but  it  is  also  very 
poor  form  to  show  by  our  gestures  and  frowns  and  speech 
that  we  are  annoyed  by  some  circumstance  that  is  entirely 
beyond  our  control. 

Impulsiveness  is  often  the  cause  of  serious  breaches  of 
etiquette — ^breaches  that  are,  socially  speaking,  the  ruin 
of  many  a  rising  young  man,  of  many  an  otherwise  charm- 
ing young  woman.  The  gentleman  never  shows  by  hasty 
word  or  angry  glance  that  he  is  displeased  with  some 
ser\'ice.  The  lady  never  shows,  either  in  her  speech  or 
manner,  that  she  is  excited  with  some  unexpected  hap- 
pening, or  disappointed  because  something  did  not  happen 
the  way  she  planned  it.  It  is  only  by  studying  the  rules 
of  etiquette  and  knowing  absolutely  what  is  right  to  do 


INTRODUCTION  TO  ETIQUETTE  a 

and  say  under  all  conditions  that  one  acquires  this  splendid 
gelf-possession  and  composure  of  manner. 


BEGASD  FOB  THE  BIGHTS  OF  OTHEES 

William  De  Witt  Hyde,  in  his  book,  "Practical  Ethics," 
pays,  "Politeness  is  proper  respect  for  human  personality. 
Rudeness  results  from  thinking  exclusively  about  ourselves 
and  caring  nothing  for  the  feelings  of  anybody  else.  The 
sincere  desire  to  bring  the  greatest  pleasure  and  least  pain 
to  everyone  we  meet  will  go  a  long  way  towards  making 
our  manners  more  polite  and  courteous." 

The  man  or  woman  who  is  truly  cultured,  truly  well' 
bred,  tries  to  make  everyone  happy  and  at  ease.  It  is  only 
the  exceedingly  vulgar  person  who  finds  pleasure  in  hurt- 
ing the  feelings  of  the  people  with  whom  he  comes  into 
contact.  It  makes  no  difference  how  wealthy  or  how  poor 
a  person  is,  how  ignorant  or  educated  he  happens  to  be — 
as  a  fellow-being  he  is  entitled  to  a  hearty  sympathy  and 
respect.  Both  servility  and  arrogance  are  ungentlemanly. 
Gentleness,  simplicity  and  a  sincere  regard  for  the  rights 
of  one's  companions  are  the  distinguishing  marks  of  a 
fine  character. 

THE  DANGEE  OF  INTOLEEANCB 

There  is  no  room  for  intolerance  in  the  social  world. 
To  be  honored,  respected,  one  must  have  a  certain  friend- 
liness of  spirit.  The  gentleman,  the  lady  treats  everyone, 
from  the  lowliest  beggar  to  the  most  distinguished  per- 
sonage with  consideration.  It  is  only  the  man  who  is 
unpretentious,  who  is  always  eager  to  please,  who  is  as 
courteous  and  considerate  in  manner  to  his  inferiors  as 


6  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

to  his  equals,  that  fully  deserves  the  name  of  gentleman. 

The  author  recently  chanced  to  witness  an  amusing  inci- 
dent which  might  be  of  value  to  repeat  here.  It  shows 
forcibly  how  important  the  little  things  are,  and  how  they 
reveal  to  the  gaze  of  the  world  the  true  story  of  our 
actual  worth: 

An  elderly  man,  who  showed  quite  obviously  by  his 
lordly  and  self-satisfied  manner  that  he  was  accustomed 
to  travel  about  in  his  own  car,  was  on  one  occasion  forced 
to  ride  home  in  the  subway.  It  was  rush  hour,  and 
thousands  of  tired  men  and  women  were  in  a  hurry  to  get 
home.  The  man  impatiently  waited  his  turn  on  a  long  linr 
at  the  ticket  office,  constantly  grumbling  and  making  it 
disagreeable  for  those  about  him.  When  he  finally  did 
reach  the  window,  he  offered  a  ten  dollar  bill  in  payment 
for  one  five-cent  ticket  and  deliberately  remained  at  the 
window  counting  and  recounting  his  change  while  the 
people  behind  him  anxiously  awaited  their  turn.  When 
at  last  he  did  move  away,  he  had  a  half  smile,  half  frown 
of  smug  and  malicious  satisfaction  on  his  face  which, 
interpreted  to  the  people  he  had  kept  waiting,  said  that 
he  now  felt  repaid  for  having  had  to  travel  in  the  sasne 
train  with  them. 

This  man,  in  spite  of  his  self-satisfied  manner  and  well- 
tailored  suit,  was  very  far  from  being  a  gentleman.  The 
shabby  young  man  behind  him,  who  also  offered  a  bill  in 
payment  for  his  ticket,  but  stepped  quickly  to  one  side 
to  count  his  change,  and  smiled  cheerfully  at  the  man  be- 
hind him,  was  infinitely  more  of  a  gentleman  than  the  one 
who  maliciously,  and  with  evident  keen  enjoyment,  kept 
the  long  line  waiting. 

The  true  worth  of  a  gentleman  is  revealed,  not  in  his 
fashionable  clothes  or  haughty  demeanor,  but  in  his  re- 


INTRODUCTION  TO  ETIQUETTE  7 

gard  for  the  rights  of  ethers.  It  is  the  little  kindnesses 
that  count — and  the  instinctive  recognition  of  the  rights 
of  others.  As  England's  inimitable  J.  M.  Barrie  has  so 
aptly  remarked,  "Those  who  bring  sunshine  to  the  lives 
of  others  cannot  keep  it  from  themselves." 

WHY  IT   PAYS   TO    BE   AGREEABLE 

Why  should  we  know  the  laws  of  etiquette?  Why 
should  we  know  the  way  to  do  and  say  things?  Why 
should  we  be  agreeable?  These  are  questions  that  will 
undoubtedly  arise  in  the  mind  of  the  young  man  or  woman 
who  is  eager  to  cultivate  and  refine  his  or  her  manner 
and  speech. 

The  answer  is:  to  make  one's  own  life  happier — to 
bring  into  it  a  new  sunshine,  a  new  joy  of  living  that 
was  not  even  dreamed  of  when  the  mind  and  spirit  were 
shrouded  in  the  gloom  of  discourtesy,  coarseness  and 
vulgarity. 

For  how  can  the  boor  be  happy?  With  his  gloomy 
face,  sour  disposition,  complaining  habits  and  inherent 
lack  of  good  taste  and  culture,  he  sees  only  the  shadows 
of  life.  People  are  repulsed  by  him,  never  attracted. 
Brilliant  men  and  women,  people  of  refinement  and  taste, 
will  have  nothing  to  do  with  him.  He  lives  his  own  life — 
his  ill-bred,  complaining,  gloomy,  companionless  life — 
an  outcast  from  that  better  society  of  which  we  all  long 
to  be  a  part. 

Culture  and  cheer  go  hand-in-hand.  The  cultured  man 
or  woman  is  always  cheerful,  always  finding  something 
good  and  beautiful  in  all  mankind  and  nature.  Cheer- 
fulness itself  means  poise — a  wholesome,  happy,  undaunted 
poise  that  makes  life  well-balanced  and  worth  the  living. 


8  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

The  person  of  low,  vulgar  tastes  and  desires  is  seldom 
contented,  seldom  happy.  He  finds  everywhere  evil,  ugli- 
ness, selfishness,  and  a  tendency  for  the  world  generally  to 
degrade  itself  to  the  lower  levels  of  coarseness.  He  finds 
it  because  he  looks  for  it.  And  he  looks  for  it  because 
it  already  exists  in  his  mind. 

And  yet,  he  may  be  educated;  he  may  be  a  recognized 
power  in  the  financial  world ;  he  may  even  possess  enviable 
talents.  But  if  he  lacks  that  glorious  open-hearted  gen- 
erosity, that  sincere  sympathy  and  simple  understanding 
with  all  mankind,  that  helpful,  healthful,  ever-inspiring 
agreeableness  of  mind  and  spirit — the  world  will  have  none 
of  him. 

The  man  who  feels  constantly  grieved  and  injured  at 
some  injustice,  real  or  imaginary,  is  sacrificing  some  of 
the  best  things  life  has  to  oifer.  He  does  not  know  what 
it  means  to  be  greeted  with  a  smile  of  pleasure  and  a  warm 
handclasp.  He  does  not  know  what  it  means  to  be  taken 
whole-heartedly  into  one's  confidence,  to  be  relied  upon, 
to  be  appealed  to.  He  does  not  know  what  it  means,  in 
his  hours  of  darkest  adversity,  to  receive  the  genuine  53^11- 
pathy  and  encouragement  of  a  friend. 

But  with  culture,  with  development  of  mind  and  spirit, 
with  the  desire  to  adhere  truly  to  society's  laws  and  re- 
gard as  inviolable  the  rights  of  others,  there  comes  a 
new  understanding  of  human  relationship.  Where  once 
everything  seemed  narrow  and  selfish,  one  now  sees  love 
and  beauty  and  helpfulness.  Instead  of  harsh  words  and 
unkind  glances,  there  are  words  of  cheer  and  encourage- 
ment, smiles  of  friendliness  and  understanding.  The  world 
that  once  seemed  coarse,  shallow  and  unpolished,  seems 
now  strangely  cordial  and  polite. 


INTRODUCTION  TO  ETIQUETTE  9 

THE  SIMPLEST  CULTUEE 

Yes,  it  pays  to  be  agreeable.  We  are  all  like  huge 
magnets,  and  we  tend  to  attract  those  things  which  we 
ourselves  send  out.  If  we  are  coarse  and  unrefined,  we 
attract  to  our  company  those  people  who  are  also  coarse 
and  unrefined.  If  we  are  disagreeable  and  unmindful  of 
the  rights  of  others,  they  in  turn  will  be  disagreeable  to 
us,  and  unmindful  of  our  rights.  And  similarly,  if  we  are 
kind  and  agreeable,  we  are  bound  to  meet  and  attract 
people  of  the  same  kind. 

There  is  a  pretty  little  story  of  a  woman  and  a  child, 
in  which  the  simple  friendliness  of  a  little  girl  opened 
the  door  for  a  woman  whose  life  had  been  embittered  by 
much  hardship  and  disappointment.  She  was  strolling 
one  day  through  a  moimtain  farm-house.  She  did  not 
know  where  she  was  going,  and  she  did  not  care.  She  just 
wanted  to  forget,  forget. 

She  stopped  near  a  well  and  gazed  angrily  about  her, 
wondering  how  there  could  be  so  much  peace  and  quiet  in  a 
world  that  held  nothing  but  turmoil  and  heartache  for  her. 
She  was  an  attractive  woman,  and  her  smart  clothes  and 
haughty  bearing  were  a  disappointing  contrast  to  her 
scowling  face  and  angry  eyes. 

Suddenly  she  glanced  down.  A  tiny  girl  was  watching 
her  intently — a  little  girl  who  had  lived  all  her  seven  short 
years  in  the  untutored  expanse  of  the  mountains.  The 
woman  was  annoyed,  and  she  did  not  hesitate  to  show  it. 

"What  are  you  looking  at;  what  do  you  want.''"  she 
demanded  irritably. 

Instead  of  returning  the  frown,  the  child  smiled  and 
stepped  a  little  closer.     **I  was  just  thinking  how  prettv 


10  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

your  face  would  be  if  it  smiled  instead  of  frowned,"  she 
answered. 

The  woman's  face  relaxed.  The  bitter  look  in  the  eyes 
vanished  and  was  replaced  by  a  bright  new  light.  The 
scowl  became  a  grateful  smile,  and  with  an  impulsive 
sob  of  pure  joy,  she  knelt  down  and  hugged  the  little 
girl  who  had  been  the  first  in  a  long  time  to  speak  gently 
to  her,  the  first  in  a  long  time  to  return  her  frowns  with 
sincere  smiles  of  friendliness.  And  when  she  finally  left 
the  little  child,  and  returned  to  the  exacting  conventionali- 
ties of  the  town,  she  was  a  nobler,  better  and  finer  woman. 

The  simple  heart  of  a  child  who  knew  no  other  creed 
or  law  than  the  sincere  love  of  all  mankind  triumphed 
over  the  bitterness  of  a  woman  who  had  known  years  of 
education  and  worldliness. 

Culture  is  of  the  heart  and  spirit  rather  than  of  the 
outward  appearance.  But  it  is  by  what  we  do  and  say 
that  we  prove  that  it  truly  exists  within  us. 


CHAPTER  II 
ETIQUETTE'S  REWARD 

THE  ORIGIN  OF  MANNERS 

Why  do  we  observe  certain  set  rules  of  con^^ention? 
Why  do  we  greet  people  in  a  certain  ordained  way — by 
nodding  or  by  lifting  the  hat?  Why  do  we  make  intro- 
ductions and  send  invitations  and  cultivate  our  manners 
and  speech?  To  find  the  answer  we  must  trace  civiliza- 
tion back  to  its  very  source. 

One  of  the  first  necessities  of  the  savage  was  to  devise 
some  means  of  showing  savages  of  other  tribes  that  he 
did  not  mean  to  fight — that  he  wanted  to  live  with  them 
peaceably.  At  first  it  was  difficult  to  do  this ;  primeval 
man  was  always  suspicious,  always  watchful.  He  had 
to  be,  for  his  life  depended  upon  it.  But  slowly  certain 
peaceful  observances  and  signs  were  established,  and  the 
savages  began  to  understand  them  as  greetings  of  peace 
and  good-will.  The  salutation  and  greeting  of  to-day  is  a 
direct  result  of  this  early  necessity. 

This  peace-greeting,  as  we  shall  call  it,  was  the  first 
semblance  of  order,  the  first  token  of  good  fellowship  that 
appeared  out  of  the  primeval  chaos  of  warfare  and  de- 
struction. A  certain  greeting,  and  things  were  on  a  peace- 
ful basis.  But  let  that  greeting  be  forgotten,  and  the 
savage's  life  was  the  forfeit. 

Man  developed,  and  with  him  developed  civilization. 

11 


12  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

From  that  first  **peace  greeting"  there  came  certain  set 
salutations,  certain  forms  of  homage  that  bound  men  to- 
gether in  mutual  protection  and  friendliness.  Then 
slowly,  out  of  this  first  beam  of  manners,  this  first  bit  of 
restraint  from  the  savagery  of  primeval  man,  there  were 
created  certain  ceremonies.  Some  were  weird  dances  to 
the  spirit  of  the  Sun ;  others  were  animal  or  human  sacri- 
cies  to  some  God  of  Fear;  still  others  were  strange  cere- 
monies for  the  departed  spirit  of  the  dead.  But  they  were 
ceremonies — and  as  such  they  presaged  the  ceremonies 
upon  which  all  etiquette,  all  good  manners,  are  based 
to-day. 

We  find  that  the  history  of  manners  keeps  pace  with 
the  history  and  evolution  of  man.  And  we  find  that  man- 
ners, or  ceremonies,  or  respect  for  fellowmen — or  what- 
ever you  want  to  call  it — ^was  the  first  tie  that  bound  men 
together.  It  is  the  foundation  upon  which  aU  civilization 
is  built. 

THE  MANNERS  OP  TO-DAT 

Certain  sensible  rules  of  etiquette  have  come  down  to 
us  from  one  generation  to  another.  To-day  only  those 
that  have  stood  the  test  of  time  are  respected  and  ob- 
served. They  have  been  silently  adopted  by  the  com- 
mon consent  of  the  best  circles  in  America  and  Europe; 
and  only  those  who  follow  them  faithfully  can  hope  to 
be  successful  in  business  and  in  social  life. 

There  are  some  people  who  say  that  etiquette,  that  man- 
ners, are  petty  shams  that  polish  the  surface  with  the 
gilt  edge  of  hypocrisy.  We  all  know  that  a  few  people 
believe  this.  Who  of  us  has  not  heard  the  uncultured  boor 
boast  that  he  is  not  restricted  by  any  "sissy  manners".'* 


ETIQUETTE'S  REWARD  18 

Who  of  us  has  not  heard  the  successful  business  man  de- 
cline an  invitation  to  a  reception  because  he  "had  no  time 
for  such  nonsense"?  To  a  great  many  people  manners 
mean  nothing  but  nonsense ;  but  you  will  find  that  they  are 
almost  invariably  people  who  never  win  social  or  business 
distinction. 

The  rules  of  etiquette  as  we  observe  them  nowadays  are 
not,  as  some  people  suppose,  the  dictates  of  fasliions. 
They  are  certain  forms  of  address,  certain  conduct  of 
speech  and  manner,  that  have  been  brought  down  to  us 
through  centuries  of  developing  culture.  And  we  observe 
them  to-day  because  they  make  contact  in  social  life  easier 
and  more  agreeable;  they  make  life  more  beautiful  and 
impressive. 

You  do  not  have  to  observe  the  laws  of  good  conduct 
if  you  do  not  wish  to.  Certainly  not.  You  may  do  just 
as  you  please,  say  just  what  you  please,  and  wear  just 
what  you  please.  But  of  course  you  must  not  complain 
when  you  find  the  doors  of  good  society  closed  against 
you,  when  you  find  that  people  of  good  manners  and 
correct  social  conduct  avoid  you  and  bar  you  from  their 
activities.  Good  manners  is  the  only  key  that  will  open 
the  door  to  social  success — and  men  and  women  often  find 
that  it  fits  the  door  to  business  success  as  well, 

GOOD  SOCIETT  IN  AMERICA 

Everyone  loves  to  mingle  with  cultured,  well-bred 
people ;  with  brilliant  and  celebrated  individuals.  Every- 
one loves  to  attend  elaborate  social  functions  where  the 
gay  gowns  of  beautiful  women  are  only  less  charming  and 
impressive  than  their  faultless  manners.     But  it  is  not 


14  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

everyone  who  can  be  admitted  to  these  inner  portals  of 
good  society. 

It  is  a  well-known  truth  that  manners  rather  than 
wealth  decide  social  rank.  A  man  may  be  fabulously 
wealthy,  but  if  he  does  not  know  how  to  act,  how  to  dress 
and  speak,  he  will  not  be  respected.  American  society 
has  rules  of  its  own,  and  those  who  are  not  willing  to 
learn  these  laws  are  shunned,  banished.  Etiquette  is  the 
wall  which  divides  the  cultured  from  the  uncultured, 
which  keeps  the  ill-bred  out  of  the  circles  where  they 
would  be  awkward  and  uncomfortable,  and  where  they 
would  undoubtedly  cause  mortification  to  others. 

On  the  other  hand,  to  know  these  rules  of  good  conduct 
is  to  be  admitted  to  the  highest  circles  of  society.  To 
know  that  one  is  correct  banishes  at  once  all  uncertainty, 
all  embarrassment.  And  one  mingles  with  perfectly-man- 
nered people,  calm  in  the  assurance  that  one  knows  just 
what  is  correct,  and  that  no  matter  what  happens  one 
can  do  or  say  nothing  to  reflect  on  one's  breeding. 

THE   TEUE   LADY  AND    GENTIiEMAN 

It  is  not  enough  to  be  wealthy.  It  is  not  enough  to  be 
widely  famed.  But  if  one  is  well-mannered,  if  one  knows 
how  to  conduct  oneself  with  poise,  grace  and  self-con- 
fidence, one  will  win  respect  and  honor  no  matter  where 
one  chances  to  be. 

There  are  very  few  men  indeed  who  do  not  value  good 
manners.  They  may  ridicule  them,  they  may  despise 
them — but  deep  down  in  their  hearts  they  know  that  good 
manners  have  a  certain  charm,  a  certain  power,  that 
wealth  and  fame  together  do  not  possess.  They  know 
that  right  in  their  own  business  spheres  there  are  men 


ETIQUETTE'S  REWARD  15 

who  owe  their  success  and  position  to  the  appearance  that 
they  make,  to  the  manner  in  which  they  conduct  them- 
selves. And  they  know  that  there  are  beautiful  women 
who  are  coldly  repellent ;  while  some  plain  women  win  the 
hearts  of  everyone  with  whom  they  come  in  contact,  merely 
by  the  charm  of  their  manners. 

The  perfect  gentleman  is  not  the  dude,  the  overdressed 
"dandy"  who  disdains  the  workingman  in  his  patched 
clothes  and  who  sniffs  contemptuously  at  the  word  "work." 
The  true  gentleman  is  kindly,  courageous,  civil.  He  is 
kind  to  everyone — to  the  tottering  old  man  he  helps  across 
the  street,  and  to  the  mischievous  young  rascal  who  throws 
a  ball  through  his  window.  He  does  not  know  what  it  is 
to  become  angry,  to  lose  control  of  his  temper,  to  speak 
discourteously.  He  never  shows  that  he  is  embarrassed  or 
ill  at  ease.  He  is  as  calm  and  unconcerned  in  the  presence 
of  a  world-wide  celebrity  as  he  is  when  he  is  with  his  most 
intimate  friend.  Nor  is  he  ever  bitter,  haughty  or  arro- 
gant. And  he  is  as  far  from  being  effeminate  as  he  is  from 
being  coarse  and  brutal.  In  short,  he  knows  the  manners 
of  good  society  and  he  does  not  hesitate  to  use  them. 

The  perfect  lady  is  not  the  ornamental  butterfly  of 
society,  as  so  many  would  have  us  believe.  She  is  gentle, 
and  well-dressed  and  graceful — not  merely  ornamental. 
She  does  some  useful  work,  no  matter  what  it  is.  She  is 
patient  always,  and  generous.  She  never  speaks  harshly 
to  tradespeople  or  to  servants ;  gentleness  and  reserve  are 
the  very  keynotes  of  her  manner.  She  is  rever  haughty, 
never  superior.  She  is  kind  and  courteous  to  everyone, 
and  she  conducts  herself  with  the  calm,  unassuming  grace 
that  instinctively  wins  a  responsive  respect.  In  her  man- 
ner towards  men  she  is  reserved,  modest.  But  she  is  self- 
reliant  and  not  afraid  to  assert  herself.    Her  speech  and 


16  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

manner  are  characterized  always  by  dignity,  repose  and 
self-confidence. 

It  is  only  by  knowing  the  laws  of  good  conduct,  and  by 
following  them  faithfully,  that  one  can  hope  ever  to 
become  a  true  gentleman  or  a  true  lady. 

THE    SECRET    OF    SOCIAIi    SUCCESS 

Every  man  who  so  wishes  may  become  a  gentleman,  and 
every  woman  may  become  a  lady  in  every  sense  of  the 
word.  It  requires  only  the  cultivation  of  those  qualities 
outlined  above.  And  it  is  here  that  the  use  of  etiquette 
lies,  that  the  importance  of  good  manners  is  most  strik- 
ingly portrayed. 

Etiquette  teaches  you  how  to  be  gentle,  calm,  patient. 
It  tells  you  how  to  be  at  ease  among  strangers.  It  tells 
you  how  to  cultivate  grace,  poise,  self-confidence.  Not 
only  does  it  tell  you  how,  but  it  gives  you  poise  and  self- 
confidence.  By  teaching  you  the  right  thing  to  do  at 
the  right  time,  it  eliminates  all  possibility  of  mistakes — 
and  hence  all  embarrassment  and  awkwardness  vanish. 

The  existence  of  these  fixed  social  laws,  these  little  rules 
of  etiquette,  makes  it  easy  for  the  man  and  woman  who 
have  not  been  bred  in  the  best  society,  to  master  the 
knowledge  which  will  enable  them  to  enter  that  society 
and  mingle  with  the  most  highly  cultivated  people  with- 
out feehng  embarrassed  or  uncomfortable.  It  tears  down 
the  barriers  between  the  wealthy  and  the  poor,  between 
the  educated  and  the  ignorant.  By  knowing  what  to  do 
and  say  and  write  and  wear  on  all  occasions,  under  all 
conditions,  any  man  or  woman  can  enter  any  society  and 
mingle  with  any  people.  The  old  proverb  might  well  be 
changed  to  read,  "Culture  makes  the  whole  world  kin !" 


ETIQUETTE'S  REWARD  17 

Of  course  if  a  man  suddenly  became  wealthy  and  he 
wished  to  enter  the  highest  society,  his  wealth  might 
serve  as  an  opening.  But  he  would  soon  find  that  money 
was  not  enough — that  he  needed  manners.  He  might 
mingle  with  society  for  years,  slowly  acquiring  the  correct 
table  manners,  the  correct  mode  of  address,  the  correct 
manner  of  making  introductions,  the  correct  way  to  con- 
duct himself  at  all  times,  in  all  places.  But  it  would  take 
many  years  before  the  rough  edges  of  his  previous  unculti- 
vated manners  were  rubbed  away.  Instead  of  waiting  for 
years  of  contact  with  cultured  people  to  bring  him  the 
correct  manners  befitting  a  man  of  wealth,  he  need  only 
learn  at  once  from  a  dependable  authority  the  etiquette  of 
society,  the  good  form  that  has  been  crystallized  into 
rules  after  years  of  social  intercourse.  It  is  the  easiest 
ro^d  to  social  success. 

"WHAT   MANNERS  WTLIi  DO  POB  70U 

Every  day  you  come  into  contact  with  people,  with 
strangers,  who  judge  you  by  what  you  do  and  say.  They 
go  away  carrying  an  impression  of  you — and  it  depends 
upon  your  manners  whether  it  is  a  good  impression  or  a 
bad  impression. 

It  is  a  mistake  to  think  that  good  manners  are  meant 
for  the  elaborate  ball  room  or  for  the  formal  dinner. 
Society  is  not  necessarily  too  formal  or  too  "showy." 
Society  implies  also  that  society  of  fellowmen  you  meet 
every  day  of  the  year — people  you  come  into  contact  with 
in  the  social  and  business  worlds.  And  in  order  to  make 
contact  with  these  people  agreeable  and  pleasant,  in  order 
to  win  the  admiration  and  respect  of  strangers,  in  order 
to  avoid  embarrassment  and  humiliation  because  of  bad 


18  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

blunders  at  most  conspicuous  moments,  it  is  essential  to 
know  what  is  right  and  what  is  wrong. 

Good  manners  will  enable  you  to  be  easy  and  graceful 
at  all  times.  You  will  be  able  to  mingle  with  the  most 
cultured  people  and  be  perfectly  at  ease.  You  will  lose 
all  self-consciousness,  all  timidity.  And  instead  you  will 
become  dignified,  well-poised,  calm.  Instinctively  people 
will  respect  you;  in  business  and  in  society  you  will  find 
yourself  welcomed  and  admired. 

ETiaUETTE's    BEWAKD 

Etiquette  is  like  the  binding  of  a  book — ^just  as  the 
binding  reveals  the  name  of  the  book,  and  protects  the 
valuable  pages  that  are  inside,  so  does  etiquette  reveal 
the  breeding  and  culture  of  an  individual,  and  protect  him 
from  the  disrespect,  ridicule  and  snubs  of  the  world. 

Etiquette  will  make  you  dignified.  It  will  make  your 
actions  and  speech  refined,  polished,  impressive.  It  will 
make  you  a  leader  instead  of  a  follower,  a  participant  in- 
stead of  a  looker-on.  It  will  open  the  doors  of  the 
highest  society  to  you,  make  you  immune  to  all  em- 
barrassment, enable  you  to  conduct  yourself  with  ease 
and  confidence  at  all  times,  under  all  circumstances. 

The  rewards  of  etiquette  are  too  numerous  to  recount. 
If  you  follow  the  laws  of  good  conduct,  if  you  do  only 
what  is  right  and  in  good  form,  you  will  find  yourself 
an  acknowledged  leader,  an  acknowledged  success,  no 
matter  in  what  station  of  life  you  may  be.  The  world 
is  quick  to  perceive  good  manners,  just  as  it  is  quick  to 
perceive  the  blunders  in  etiquette.  If  you  study  the  rules 
of  good  conduct,  and  follow  good  form  in  everything  you 
do  and  say,  you  will  become  courteous  and  kind  and  well- 


ETIQUETTE'S  REWARD  19 

mannered.  Etiquette  will  attract  people  to  you,  make 
you  and  your  home  a  center  of  social  activity.  But  most 
of  all,  it  will  make  you  respect  yourself.  And  that  is 
more  important  than  riches  or  fame — for  self-respect 
is  the  only  thing  that  brings  true  happiness. 

Remember  the  words  of  the  prophet,  "He  who  respects 
himself  will  earn  the  respect  of  all  the  world." 


CHAPTER  III 
ENGAGEMENTS 

OP  SPECIAI.  IMPORTANCE 

There  is  perhaps  no  time  when  the  rules  of  etiquette 
need  to  be  so  strictly  observed  as  during  the  period  of 
courtship.  All  the  world  loves  a  lover — ^but  this  does  not 
keep  the  world  from  watching  closely  and  criticizing  se- 
verely any  breach  of  good  manners,  especially  on  the 
part  of  the  young  lady. 

Any  public  display  of  affection  anywhere  at  any  time 
is  grossly  unrefined.  Love  is  sacred,  and  it  should  not 
be  thrown  open  to  the  rude  comments  of  strangers.  The 
young  couple  should  conduct  themselves  with  quiet  dig- 
nity and  reserve,  neither  indulging  in  terms  of  endear- 
ment or  caresses,  nor  purposely  ignoring  each  other  so  as 
to  create  the  impression  that  they  are  not,  after  all,  so 
very  much  in  love.  There  is  no  reason  why  their  conduct 
in  public  after  they  are  engaged  should  be  any  more 
demonstrative  than  it  was  before. 

At  parties,  dinners,  and  other  entertainments  it  Is 
their  privilege  to  be  with  each  other  more  than  they  are 
with  anyone  else,  but  this  does  not  mean  that  they  should 
neglect  the  other  guests.  If  the  occasion  has  been  planned 
especially  for  them  they  are  in  part  responsible  for  each 
one  present  finding  it  an  enjoyable  one.  And  each  one 
should  be  very  cordial  to  the  friends  of  the  other. 

20 


ENGAGEMENTS  21 

Many  an  engag«nent  that  held  promise  of  golden  hap- 
piness to  come  was  abruptly  broken  because  one  or  the 
other  was  not  sufficiently  circumspect  in  conduct.  A 
young  lady  must  remember  that  while  she  is  not  exactly 
expected  to  give  up  indiscriminately  all  her  friends  of  the 
opposite  sex,  she  must  not  receive  them  as  guests,  or  go  to 
the  theater  or  ball  with  them,  without  the  knowledge  and 
consent  of  her  fiance.  He  is,  of  course,  expected  to  be 
equally  considerate  of  her  with  regard  to  his  own  relations 
with  other  women. 

The  engaged  couple  of  to-day  enjoys  much  greater  free- 
dom than  the  engaged  couple  of  our  grandmothers'  time. 
The  chaperon  has  been  almost  entirely  dispensed  with, 
except  in  a  few  individual  cases.  Although  it  is  still 
considered  rather  poor  form  to  attend  the  theater  or 
opera  together,  without  other  friends  in  the  party,  it  is 
often  done  without  any  very  serious  consequence  to  the 
young  people.  Perhaps  it  is  because  the  young  men  and 
women  of  this  country  have  that  instinctive  grace  and 
dignity  of  manner  that  the  severe  laws  of  conduct  prac- 
ticed abroad  have  been  deemed  unnecessary. 

THE  PEOPOSAIi 

At  one  time,  not  so  very  long  ago,  it  was  considered 
an  irrevocable  law  of  etiquette  that  a  young  man  obtain 
the  formal  consent  of  a  young  lady's  parents  before 
asking  her  hand  in  marriage.  Prevalent  customs  have 
almost  eliminated  this  formality,  and  modem  mothers  and 
fathers,  by  the  welcome  which  they  accord  him  in  their 
home,  show  a  young  man  whether  or  not  they  think  him 
eligible  for  their  daughter's  hand.  And  it  is  really  a 
much  wiser  plan  to  object  to  a  friendship  when  it  first 


22  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

begins  instead  of  waiting  until  it  has  developed  into  some- 
thing more  serious.  If  the  young  man  wishes  to  proceed 
upon  the  old-fashioned  formula  he  may  do  so,  first  assur- 
ing himself  insofar  as  he  is  able  that  his  attentions  are 
welcome  to  the  young  lady. 

The  time  for  the  proposal  depends  upon  attending  cir- 
cumstances. Someone  has  said  that  there  would  be  fewer 
divorces  if  more  proposals  were  made  in  the  middle  of  the 
day  under  ordinary  conditions,  but  the  timid  or  romantic 
youth  usually  prefers  the  witchery  of  moonlight  and  the 
magic  of  solitude.  The  proposal  itself  should  be  sincere 
and  earnest.  Glowing  terms  and  impassioned  emotion  are, 
indeed,  very  bad  taste;  and  often  the  more  simple  a  pro- 
posal is  the  more  forcibly  it  expresses  the  suitor's  ardor» 

If  he  is  accepted  the  well-bred  young  man  will  immedi- 
ately seek  the  young  lady's  parents  and  impart  the  happy 
news  to  them.  At  this  point,  if  it  has  not  already  been 
disclosed  it  is  customary  for  him  to  reveal  his  true  status, 
financially  and  socially,  and  answer  politely  any  questions 
that  her  parents  may  ask  him.  If  there  are  dissensions  he 
must  explain  calmly  and  carefully,  making  sure  all  the 
time  to  keep  complete  control  of  his  feelings  and  not  to 
allow  himself  to  become  either  angry  or  impatient. 

THE  ENGAGEMENT  BING 

It  is  the  custom  to  seal  the  engagement  pact  with  a 
ring.  As  soon  as  the  prospective  bridegroom  has  won 
the  consent  of  the  young  lady  whom  he  wishes  to  be  his 
wife,  he  places  the  engagement  ring  on  the  third  finger 
of  her  left  hand.  The  convention  is  that  the  ring  be  a 
diamond  solitaire  set  in  gold  or  platinum,  or,  if  it  is 
preferred,  a  diamond  set  with  other  stones.    It  is  always 


ENGAGEMENTS  «S 

wise  to  consult  the  individual  preference  of  the  young  lady 
in  determining  the  choice  of  the  ring,  and  it  is  her  privilege 
to  clioose  whatever  kind  she  wants  regardless  of  tradition 
or  convention. 


ANNOUNCING  THE  ENGAGEMENT 

After  the  proposal  has  been  accepted  announcement  of 
the  fact  is  made,  and  it  is  here  that  the  young  lady  takes 
the  leading  part. 

There  are  several  established  conventions  in  announc- 
ing the  engagement.  Each  one  is  good  form,  and  the 
choice  is  merely  a  matter  of  taste  and  convenience.  But 
always  the  initiative  must  come  from  the  family  of  the 
future  bride.  The  young  man  must  not  even  announce 
the  engagement  to  his  best  friends  until  he  is  quite  sure 
that  his  fiancee  has  already  made  it  known  to  her  friends. 

It  has  always  been  a  popular  custom  in  better  society  to 
give  the  announcement  of  an  engagement  as  nearly  an  ap- 
pearance of  "leaking  out"  as  possible.  Perhaps  it  is 
because  it  adds  to  the  interest  of  the  occasion.  To  ob- 
tain this  effect,  a  number  of  intimate  friends  and  relatives 
are  invited  to  a  dinner  party — really  the  engagement 
dinner — where,  in  the  course  of  the  conversation,  the  news 
of  the  engagement  is  casually  imparted  to  the  guests  for 
the  first  time.  It  is  usually  announced  by  the  father  of 
the  young  lady;  sometimes  by  her  older  brother,  and  in 
some  cases  by  her  mother. 

The  guests,  of  course,  will  offer  warm  and  sincere  con- 
gratulations. The  happy  couple  mingle  among  their 
guests  and  receive  their  good  wishes  with  modesty  and 
smiles  of  thanks. 


24.  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Sometimes  the  young  lady  gives  a  luncheon  for  her 
friends,  at  which  the  announcement  is  made.  It  is  always 
very  pretty  to  make  the  announcement  in  some  novel  way, 
and  if  the  hostess  does  not  find  her  own  ingenuity  equal 
to  it  she  will  find  her  stationer  her  best  guide.  He  has 
various  novelty  cards,  etc.,  specially  designed  for  such 
occasions. 

Often,  instead  of  formally  announcing  the  engagement, 
the  young  lady  gives  the  news  to  several  of  her  closest 
friends,  depending  on  them  to  spread  it  among  their 
friends  and  acquaintances.  This  manner  of  announce- 
ment is  usually  followed  with  a  little  informal  reception, 
to  which  are  invited  the  members  of  the  prospective  bride- 
groom's family  and  the  relatives  of  both  families. 


THE  MOST  USUAL  METHOD 

• 

Perhaps  the  best  way  to  announce  an  engagement  is 
for  the  young  lady  and  her  mother  to  send  small  engraved 
cards  to  their  circle  of  friends  and  relatives,  making  the 
announcement  in  a  simple  statement,  and  mentioning  an 
afternoon  when  they  will  be  "at  home"  to  visitors.  The 
young  man  may  also  send  notes  or  cards  to  his  friends, 
having  first  made  sure  that  his  fiancee  has  already  an- 
nounced it  to  her  friends.  The  "at  home'*  offers  a 
splendid  opportunity  for  each  one  to  meet  the  friends  of 
the  other,  and  for  the  families  of  the  two  young  people  to 
become  better  acquainted.  Care  must  be  taken  that  there 
is  no  constraint,  no  drifting  into  "circles."  The  young 
lady  must  welcome  her  future  husband's  friends  with  sin- 
cere cordiality,  and  see  that  they  are  properly  introduced 
to  her  own  friends.    He  must  mingle  with  her  friends  and 


ENGAGEMENTS  25 

make  himself  companionable  and  agreeable.  To  be  con- 
stantly together,  selfishly  enjoying  each  other's  company 
while  the  neglected  guests  are  left  to  their  own  devices  is 
a  breach  of  etiquette  and  must  be  conscientiously  avoided 
if  the  "at  home"  is  to  be  hailed  a  success. 

If  this  last  method  of  announcing  the  engagement  is 
decided  upon,  the  home  should  boast  no  decorations  except 
flowers  simply  arranged.  The  young  lady  and  her  mother, 
in  conservative  afternoon  frocks,  receive  together.  The 
young  man  is  usually  presented  to  the  guests  by  his 
future  father-in-law.  Entertainment,  such  as  music  and 
dancing,  may  be  provided  for  the  occasion  if  it  is  con- 
venient. Simple  refreshments  may  be  served — dainty 
sandwiches,  cakes,  tea  and  sweets  are  appropriate  when 
served  in  an  attractive  manner. 

It  is  also  customary  to  place  an  announcement  in  the 
society  columns  of  the  newspapers  simultaneously  with 
the  giving  of  the  dinner  party.  It  should  always  be 
written  by  the  parents  about  their  daughter,  or  by  the 
guardian  if  she  has  no  parents — never  by  the  engaged 
girl  herself. 


ANNOUNCING  AN  ENGAGEMENT  IN  THE  NEWSPAPEES 

The  vogue  to-day  seems  to  favor  announcing  engage- 
ments in  the  newspaper  rather  than  through  the  issuing 
of  announcement  cards.  Such  items  of  announcement 
should  be  sent  to  the  society  editor  of  the  paper  selected, 
and  should  be  signed  with  the  fuU  name  and  address  of 
the  sender.    Brief  items  are  always  better  than  long  ones. 

Here  are  two  typical  newspaper  announcements  of  re- 
cent engagements: 


26  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

**Mr  and  Mrs.  Henry  M.  Bower 
announce  the  engagement  of  their 
daughter  Rose  to  Mr.  Walter 
Barrie  of  Boston.  The  date  of 
the  wedding  will  be  announced  in 
this  paper  later." 

"TJie  engagement  of  Miss 
LUlian  Hall  to  Mr.  Robert  G. 
Manning  is  announced  by  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  John  B.  Hall.  The  wedding 
is  to  take  place  in  St.  Thomases 
Church  on  the  15th  of  Jime" 

ENGAGEMENT    GIFTS 

It  is  not  customary  for  elaborate  engagement  gifts  to 
be  presented,  even  by  near  relatives.  In  fact,  the  mode  of 
the  engagement  gift  has  been  gradually  disappearing  until 
to-day  congratulations  are  considered  sufficient.  How- 
ever, the  close  friends  of  the  young  lady  may  send  her, 
with  their  congratulations,  pleasing  bits  of  chinaware, 
glassware,  and  sometimes  even  silver.  Odd  pieces  of  bric- 
a-brac  and  quaint,  unusual  gifts,  and  antiques  are  always 
acceptable.  Markings  on  gifts  are  usually  in  the  maiden 
name  of  the  bride — but  if  any  doubt  is  felt  as  to  which 
she  herself  would  prefer,  it  is  best  to  ask  her. 

There  is  an  old  tradition  regarding  the  giving  of  tea- 
cups as  an  engagement  present.  A  lover,  who  was  obliged 
to  go  away  on  an  extended  sea  journey,  gave  to  his 
betrothed  a  delicate  china  cup,  asking  her  to  drink  tea 
from  it  every  afternoon.  He  said,  "If  I  am  unfaithful, 
the  cup  will  fill  to  overbrimming  and  the  tea  pouring  over 
the  sides  will  crack  the  tliin  china.     Then  you  will  know 


ENGAGEMENTS  2T 

I  have  broken  faith."  The  custom  has  been  brought 
down  to  us,  and  now  we  find  that  the  giving  of  a  tea-cup 
or  a  tea-set  as  an  engagement  present  signifies  faithful- 
ness— and  it  may  mean  faithfulness  to  friendship  or  love 
as  the  case  may  be.  We  usually  find  that  a  young  lady's 
spinster  friends  are  partial  to  the  custom;  they  seem 
to  find  particular  enjoyment  in  presenting  her  with  dainty 
tea-cups,  either  separately  or  in  sets. 

Expensive  gifts  should  never  be  exchanged  during  an 
engagement,  barring  of  course  the  engagement  ring.  The 
young  man  may  present  his  prospective  bride  with  books, 
flowers  or  candy,  but  articles  of  wearing  apparel  are 
considered  bad  taste. 

To  be  modest,  gracious,  dignified  during  the  engage- 
ment, to  continue  one's  social  duties  faithfully,  neither 
neglecting  one's  friends  nor  becoming  self-consciously  en- 
thusiastic, to  be  self-possessed  and  unaffected  even  while 
one  is  the  center  of  much  lively  interest  and  animated 
discussion — this  is  the  end  to  be  desired,  and  the  young 
man  and  woman  who  have  accomplished  it  are  indeed 
fortunate. 

BBIBAI.    SHOWERS 

A  good  many  years  ago  a  friend  of  a  young  woman  who 
was  about  to  be  married  decided  that  the  only  gift  she 
could  afford  was  too  slight  an  offering  to  express  the  love 
and  good  wishes  that  she  felt.  Knowing  that  there  were 
other  friends  who  felt  the  same  way  she  called  them  to- 
gether and  suggested  that  they  present  their  gifts  at  the 
same  time.  Then  and  there  the  idea  of  the  "shower" 
was  bom. 

The  custom  has  prevailed  and  in  most  instances  to-day 


28  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

the  shower  has  a  special  purpose,  such  as  the  linen  shower 
or  the  kitchen  shower  or  the  book  shower.  It  is  a  very 
charming  way  of  presenting  gifts  that  would  seem  too 
trifling  if  they  were  presented  alone. 

Intimate  friends  of  the  bride  are  the  guests  at  a 
shower.  It  is  usually  a  very  informal  affair  and  nearly 
always  a  surprise  to  the  bride.  The  gifts  may  be  hidden 
in  a  Jack  Horner  pie,  they  may  be  wrapped  in  all  sorts 
of  odd  packages,  or  they  may  be  presented  in  any  of  a 
hundred  and  one  attractive  ways.  Originality  in  this,  as 
in  all  entertainments,  is  greatly  to  be  desired. 

The  young  lady  who  is  honored  with  a  shower  thanks 
the  guests  verbally,  and  afterward  she  may  write  each  of 
them  a  little  note  expressing  her  gratitude.  It  is  neces- 
sary to  do  so  if  the  affair  was  an  elaborate  one  and  the 
gifts  were  expensive. 


I.ENGTH  OF  THE  ENGAGEMENT 

The  question  of  how  long  an  engagement  should  last  is 
usually  governed  by  attendant  conditions.  There  is, 
however,  a  marked  tendency  for  engagements  to  be  short ; 
in  fact,  fashion  now  demands  that  the  wedding-day  be  at 
least  tentatively  fixed  before  the  engagement  is  announced. 

Many  times  there  are  excellent  reasons  why  it  should  be 
of  several  years  duration.  It  is  best  not  to  announce  the 
fact  formally,  though  it  may  be  understood  among  one's 
friends.  Matters  of  this  kind  are  to  be  determined  by  the 
two  people  who  are  most  concerned,  and  if  a  young  man 
and  his  fiancee  have  decided  that  they  would  like  to  have 
a  long  engagement  the  rules  of  etiquette  have  nothing  to 
say  against  it. 


ENGAGEMENTS  29 

EESPONSIBILITY    FOE    THE    WEDDING 

The  father  and  mother  of  the  young  lady  who  is  about 
to  be  married  assume  all  responsibility  for  the  prepara- 
tion for  and  the  celebration  of  the  wedding.  The  groom 
is  not  expected  to  pay  for  anything  except  the  ring  and 
flowers  for  the  bride  and,  if  he  wishes,  the  flowers  for  the 
bridesmaids  and  trifling  gifts  for  the  ushers  and  other 
attendants.  The  clergyman's  fee  also  devolves  upon  him, 
but  all  other  expenses  are  paid  by  the  bride's  parents  or 
guardians.  Indeed,  it  would  indicate  a  great  lack  of 
tact  or  deKcacy  on  the  part  of  the  groom  to  offer  to 
provide  a  part  of  the  trousseau  or  to  pay  for  any  of  the 
other  expenses  incidental  to  the  occasion. 

Announcement  cards,  invitations,  music,  flowers  and 
other  decorations  for  the  church,  the  preparations  for 
the  breakfast  or  reception  to  follow  the  ceremony — all 
of  these  are  paid  for  by  her  parents.  The  wedding  should 
never  be  more  elaborate  than  the  parents  of  the  bride 
can  afford. 

FAMILIES    AND    FRIENDS 

It  is  always  very  delightful  when  the  families  of  an 
engaged  couple  find  themselves  congenial,  and  every  ^ort 
should  be  made  by  the  young  people  to  bring  about,  if  it 
does  not  already  exist,  a  harmonious  relationship  between 
their  immediate  families.  It  is  almost  equally  desirable 
that  each  shall  like  the  friends  of  the  other  and  heroic 
efforts  must  be  made  to  do  so.  A  pleasing  way  to  bring 
friends  together  is  by  means  of  an  informal  reception. 
The  invitations  should  be  cordial  notes  written  by  hand. 
The  following  indicates  the  usual  form: 


30  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Bayside,  April  ^,  i9— 
Dear  May: 

No  doubt  you  already  know  that  I  am  enr 
gaged  to  he  married  to  Ralph  Curran.  Thurs- 
day afternoon  from  three  to  five  mother  is  giving 
a  little  reception  for  his  friends  and  mine,  and  we 
both  hope  that  you  will  be  able  to  attend. 

Cordially  yours, 

Helen  Hall. 

For  the  members  of  the  immediate  families  or  for  very 
close  friends  a  dinner  is  suggested  but  the  most  important 
point  for  the  family  which  is  doing  the  entertaining  to 
keep  in  mind  is  the  style  of  living  to  which  the  other  has 
been  accustomed,  and  nothing  should  be  done  which 
might  embarrass  them.  If  the  family  has  been  accus- 
tomed to  great  elegance  the  one  that  is  acting  as  host  need 
have  no  fear  for  people  who  are  worth  knowing  appreciate 
simplicity  wherever  they  find  it;  but  if  they  are  in  very 
moderate  circumstances  it  is  the  cruellest  kind  of  dis- 
courtesy to  attempt  to  overawe  them  with  ceremonious 
hospitality. 

It  is  ordinarily  the  family  of  the  groom  that  is  first  to 
approach  the  other  with  an  invitation  of  some  kind,  but 
extenuating  circumstances  make  the  convention  Vary. 
Often  a  young  girl  is  invited  to  visit  in  the  home  of  her 
fiance  before  her  marriage.  It  is  an  invitation  which  she 
may  accept  with  perfect  propriety. 


CHAPTER  IV 

WEDDING  INVITATIONS  AND 
ANNOUNCEMENTS 

THE    WEDDING   INVITATION 

Not  later  than  fifteen  days,  and  not  earlier  than  four 
weeks  before  the  date  set  for  the  marriage,  wedding  invi- 
tations are  sent  to  those  friends,  relatives  and  acquaint- 
ances who  are  to  be  present  at  the  ceremony.  When  the 
wedding  is  to  be  a  large  church  affair,  invitations  are 
sent  to  all  those  whose  names  appear  on  the  visiting  lists 
of  the  two  families.  They  are  also  issued  to  relatives 
and  friends  of  the  bride  and  groom  who  may  be  traveling 
abroad,  to  the  important  business  associates  of  the  groom, 
and  those  of  the  bride's  father.  Intimate  friends  and 
relatives  in  mourning  are  also  invited,  whether  they  are 
expected  to  attend  or  not. 

For  a  home  wedding,  more  discrimination  is  shown  in 
the  issuing  of  invitations.  Intimate  friends  and  relatives 
of  both  families  are  invited,  but  no  casual  acquaintances. 
In  sending  out  the  invitations,  the  bride-to-be  and  her 
mother  should  take  into  consideration  the  number  of 
people  who  will  fit  comfortably  into  the  reception  or 
drawing  room. 

SIZE    AND    MATERIAL 

Formal  wedding  invitations  should  always  be  engraved. 
They  are  issued  in  the  name  of  the  bride's  parents,  or, 

31 


82  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

if  she  is  an  orphan,  in  the  names  of  a  married  brother  and 
his  wife,  of  her  guardian  or  her  nearest  male  relative. 

Pure  white  or  cream-tinted  paper,  unglazed  but  smooth 
in  surface,  should  be  used  for  wedding  invitations.  A 
conventional  size,  although  each  year  sees  another  size  in 
wedding  invitations,  is  seven  inches  in  length  by  six 
inches  in  width.  These  dimensions  vary,  but  never  more 
than  an  inch  or  so.  They  fold  once  into  the  envelope. 
Plain  script  is  favored  for  the  engraving  of  the  wedding 
cards ;  old  English  script,  Roman  capitals  and  block  letter- 
ing are  all  effective.  A  good  stationer  will  show  you  the 
types  of  lettering  most  suited  to  wedding  invitations  at 
the  present  time.  It  is  his  business  to  be  able  to  advise 
jou. 

If  there  is  a  family  crest  (the  bride's  family)  it  may  be 
embossed  in  white  in  the  center  at  the  top  of  the  engraved 
sheet,  but  not  on  the  flap  of  the  envelope.  A  recent 
fashion  is  to  have  the  bride's  initials  embossed  in  white 
where  the  crest  would  appear.  Both  are  effective;  but 
such  decorations  as  gilt-edges,  entwined  letters  or  coats- 
of-arms  in  colors  are  in  bad  taste. 

Very  fine  paper  should  be  selected  for  the  wedding 
invitation.  No  tint  except  cream  may  be  used;  pure- 
white  is  considered  the  very  best  form.  The  paper  should 
be  of  medium  weight,  unglazed,  and  smooth.  Light-weight 
paper  through  which  lettering  can  be  easily  seen  should 
not  be  used.  Nor  should  the  paper  be  so  thick  and  heavy 
that  it  breaks  when  folded. 

KINDS    OF    ENVELOPES 

The  wedding  invitation  demands  two  envelopes.  The 
first,  matching  in  texture  and  quality  the  paper  of  th? 


WEDDING  INVITATIONS  S3 

invitation,  is  used  as  a  protection  for  the  card.  It 
remains  unsealed.  The  second  envelope  is  a  trifle  larger, 
though  it  must  also  be  of  a  similar  texture.  Into  this 
envelope  the  card  and  the  inner  envelope  are  slipped  for 
mailing. 

The  large  envelope  is  sealed  and  stamped.  It  bears 
the  complete  name  and  address  of  the  person  for  whom 
it  is  intended,  while  the  inner  envelope  bears  only  the 
name.  Tlie  church  cards  are  enclosed  with  the  wedding 
reception  if  there  is  necessity  for  them.  And  if  there 
is  to  be  a  wedding  reception  to  which  this  particular 
guest  is  invited,  a  special  card  is  also  enclosed.  The  "at 
home"  cards  of  the  bridal  couple  are  sent  separately  after 
the  wedding. 

ADDRESSING    THE    ENVELOPES 

I 

The  wedding  invitation  is  addressed  to  Mr.  Mid  Mrs. 
Blank.  The  expression  "and  family"  following  the  name 
of  a  husband  and  wife  is  not  used  in  polite  society.  If 
there  are  unmarried  daughters  to  be  invited,  a  separate 
invitation  is  addressed  to  "The  Misses  Blank."  Sons 
may  be  invited  either  by  sending  a  separate  invitation  to 
each  one,  or  addressing  one  invitation  to  "The  Messrs. 
Blank."  All  these  invitations,  in  their  proper  envelopes, 
addressed  appropriately,  are  placed  in  the  large  envelope 
for  mailing.  This  single  envelope  is  addressed  in  full 
to  the  matron  of  the  family,  "Mrs.  Henry  Mason  Blank." 

INVITATION    TO    CHUECH    WEDDING 

The  invitation  to  a  church  wedding  is  worded  with  a 
bit  more  formality  than  the  invitation  to  the  home  cere- 
mony.   It  is  sent  out  two  or  three  weeks  before  the  day 


34  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

set  for  the  wedding.  The  church  wedding  invitation  re* 
quires  no  written  acknowledgment,  except  in  those  rare 
cases  when  there  is  a  request  for  it.  Instead  of  the  initials,. 
R.  S.  V.  P.,  it  is  better  form  to  say  simply,  "Please  reply." 
Invitations  for  the  home  wedding,  of  course,  require 
prompt  acknowledgment. 

Following  are  two  forms  of  church  wedding  invitations 
which  may  be  used: 

Mr,  and  Mrs.  John  Grey  Taylor 
request  the  honor  of 


presence  at  the  marriage  oj  their  daughter 

Helen  Marie 

with 

Mr.  Raymond  Mitchell 

on  Thursday f  the  ninth  of  May 

at  four  o'clock 

St.  Thomas's  Church 

New  York 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Grey  Taylor 

request  the  honor  of  your  presence 

at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter 

Helen  Marie 

and 

Mr.  Raymond  Mitchell 

on  Friday,  the  fourth  of  June 

at  six  o'clock 

at  the  Presbyterian  Church 

Boston 

In  the  first  invitation,  the  name  of  the  guest  is  written 
by  hand  in  the  space  left  for  that  purpose.     The  use 


WEDDING  INVITATIONS  35 

of  "marriage  and'*  and  "marriage  with"  is  now  customary 
in  preference  to  "marriage  to."  All  three  words  are  in 
good  form,  however,  and  any  one  of  them  may  be  used. 
Below  is  a  model  engraved  admission  card,  used  when 
the  church  wedding  is  to  be  a  large  one  and  tickets  of 
admission  are  necessary.    The  correct  size  is  denoted: 


PLEASE  PRESENT  THIS  CARD 

at  St.  MichaeVs  Church 
on  Monday,  the  fifth  of  May 


INVITATION    TO    HOME  ,  WEDDING 

For  the  home  wedding,  invitations  are  engraved  as  for 
the  church  wedding,  but  for  the  phrase  "request  the  honor 
of  your  presence"  the  phrase  "request  the  pleasure  of 
your  company"  is  substituted,  though  *'honor"  may  be 
used  in  place  of  "pleasure"  if  one  prefers. 

As  in  the  case  of  the  church  wedding,  a  space  may  be 
left  for  the  name  of  the  guest  to  be  filled  in,  or  the  form 
that  follows  may  be  used; 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Robert  Guy  Brown 

request  the  pleasure  of  your  company 

at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter 

Helen  Rose 

and 

Mr.  Henry  Van  Buren 

on  Tuesday  afternoon,  June  the  first 

at  four  o*clock 

Twenty-two  West  End  Avenue 


36  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

When  the  wedding  takes  place  in  the  country,  or  a 
guest  at  a  great  distance  is  invited,  a  small  card  like 
the  one  following  is  generally  included: 

Train  leaves  Grand  Central  Station 
for  Glenville  at  lliJ^'B  A.M. 

Returning  train  leaves  Glenville 
for  New  York  at  6:10  P.M. 


Wealthy  people  often  place  a  special  train  at  the  dis- 
posal of  special  city  friends  whose  presence  is  eagerly 
desired  at  the  wedding.  A  card,  like  the  one  following, 
is  enclosed  with  the  invitation,  and  it  serves  as  a  pass, 
entitling  the  bearer  to  a  seat  in  the  reserved  train.  Here 
is  the  form  most  generally  used: 

The  special  train  leaves 

Grand  Central  Station  for  Glenville 

atll:^2A.M. 

Leaves  Glenville  for  Grand  Central  Station 

at  6:10  P.M. 

Please  present  this  card  at  station  door 

WEDDING   IN    A    FKIENd's    HOME 


Sometimes,  either  because  of  convenience  or  personal 
preference,  arrangements  are  made  to  have  a  wedding 
take  place  at  the  home  of  a  friend  or  relative.  The  fol- 
lowing wording  is  suggested  as  the  correct  form  for  the 
invitaticn  ? 


WEDDING  INVITATIONS  57 

The  pleasure  of  your  company  is  requested 

at  the  marriage  of 

Miss  Marian  Benson  Joyce 

to 

Mr,  John  H.  Brown 

on  Monday,  the  -fifth  of  June 

at  twelve  o^clock 

at  the  residence  of 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Herbert  Smith  Hoplcins 

Eighteen  Johns  Street 

WHEN    CARDS    AEE    ENCLOSED 

When  a  church  wedding  is  followed  by  a  reception  or 
breakfast,  special  engraved  cards  are  enclosed  with  the 
invitations  to  those  guests  whose  presence  is  desired. 
It  may  be  a  very  small  card,  inscribed  merely  with  these 
words : 

Reception 

from  four  o'clocJe 

Forty-six  Lafayette  Street 

For  the  wedding  breakfast  a  card  of  this  kind  is  usually 
enclosed : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Hay 
request  the  pleasure  of 

company,  at  breakfast 

on  Thursday,  the  fifth  of  May 

at  twelve  o'clock 


88  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

INVITATIONS    TO    SECOND    MARRIAGES 

The  second  wedding  invitation  of  a  widow  should  be 
issued  in  the  name  of  her  parents  or  nearest  living  rela- 
tives. She  uses  her  own  first  name  with  the  surname  of 
the  deceased  husband.    Here  is  the  correct  form : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Robert  Manning 

request  the  honor  of  your  presence 

at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter 

Mrs.  May  Ellis  Bruce 

to 

Mr.  Stanley  Kenworth 

on  Monday f  September  the  fifth 

at  six  6'cloclc 

St.  Paul  Chapel 

It  may  be  that  the  woman  who  is  to  be  married  for 
the  second  time  has  no  near  relatives  to  serve  as  hosts 
for  her.    Her  invitations  may  be  like  this : 

The  honor  «/  your  presence  is  requested 

at  the  marriage  of 

Mrs.  Helen  Roy  Chadwich 

and 

Mr.  Bruce  Ken/neth 

on  Wednesday,  August  the  tenth 

at  four  o'clock 

Church  of  the  Redeemer 

Announcement  cards  are  sent  after  a  wedding  if  there 
were  no  invitations  issued.  They  are  often  sent  instead 
of  invitations  to  friends  who  live  at  too  great  a  distance 
to  be  present  at  the  ceremony.     They  require  no  ac- 


WEDDING  INVITATIONS  39 

knowledgment  though  it  is  customary  to  send  either  a  note 
expressing  good  wishes  or  a  gift  of  some  kind.  If  one 
lives  in  the  same  community  one  should  call  on  the  bride's 
mother,  and  if  the  bride's  card  is  inclosed,  on  the  bride 
herself  shortly  after  she  returns  from  the  honeymoon. 
This  is  the  usual  form  for  the  announcement  card: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Roger  Smith 

announce  the  marriage  of  their  daughter 

Rose  Madeline 

to 

Mr.  Frank  Breckenridge 

on  Thursday,  April  the  first 

one  thousand  nineteen  humdred  and  twenty-one 


In  case  of  a  second  marriage  of  the  bride,  the  announce- 
ment card  reads  in  this  manner: 

Mr.  Robert  G.  Gainsworth 

and 

Mrs.  Herbert  Gaylord  Smith 

announce  their  marriage 

on  Tuesday,  Atugv^t  tJie  Eleventh 

one  thousand  nineteen  hundred  and  twenty-one 


The  bride  uses  the  announcement  above  only  when  she 
is  a  widow.  A  divorcee  uses  her  own  first  and  second 
names,  with  the  surname  of  the  divorced  husband. 

The  announcement  card  is  engraved  on  sheets  of  white 
paper  similar  in  size  and  texture  to  those  used  for  the 
invitation.    It  is  posted  on  the  day  of  the  wedding.    The 


40  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

forms  given  above  may  be  modified  by  adding  the  name 
of  the  church  in  which  the  ceremony  was  held,  or  the  home 
address  of  the  bride  if  it  was  a  home  wedding. 

With  the  wedding  invitation  or  the  announcement  card 
the  *'at  home"  card  of  the  bride  may  be  included,  giving 
the  date  of  her  return  from  the  honeymoon  and  her 
future  address.     Thus: 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  K.  N.  Littleton 

At  Home  in  Forest  Hills 
After  the  eighteenth  of  August 


rNVITATION    TO    WEDDING   ANNTVEESABT 

Unlike  the  wedding  invitation,  that  of  the  anniversary 
may  display  some  delicate,  unostentatious  design  signifi- 
cant of  the  occasion.  It  is  engraved  on  sheets  or  cards 
which  may  display  the  entwined  initials  of  husband  and 
wife,  and  the  year  of  the  marriage  and  wedding  anniver- 
sary. For  a  silver  wedding,  the  engraving  may  be  done 
in  silver,  and  gold  lettering  is  permissible  for  the  fifty- 
year  anniversary.  The  two  most  approved  forms  for 
anniversary  invitations  are  given  below:  ' 


1875  1900 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  Guy  Ascher 

At  Home 

^edn£sday  evening.  May  third 

after  eight  o'clock 

Thirty-two  Pine  Street 


WEDDING  INVITATIONS  41 

1863  1913 

Mr.  arid  Mrs.  Henry  Guy  Ascher 
request  the  pleasure  of  your  company 

on  tJie  Fiftieth  Anniversary 
I  of  their  marriage 

on  Thursday,  Jwne  tlie  third 

at  eight  o'clock 

Thirty-two  Pine  Street 


INFOBMAIi    WEDDING   INVITATION 

When  a  recent  death  in  the  family,  or  when  personal 
preference  results  in  a  so-called  "quiet"  wedding,  when 
only  the  immediate  family  and  very  close  friends  are  in- 
vited, a  short  note  written  either  by  the  bride-to-be  or 
her  mother,  is  the  only  invitation.  Following  is  a  note 
of  this  kind  from  the  bride-elect  to  her  friend — and  imme- 
diately below  it  the  correct  form  of  acknowledgment: 


Dear  Janet: 

Two  weglcs  from  Monday,  on  the  ninth  of 
September,  Mr.  Brill  and  I  are  to  he  married. 
We  are  asking  only  a  few  of  our  most  intimate 
friends  to  be  present,  and  would  be  very  glad 
to  have  you  among  them^  The  ceremony  will 
take  place  at  four  o'clock. 

With  kindest  regards,  I  am 

Sincerely  yours^ 
Harriet  B.  Howe. 


42  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Dear  Harriet : 

I  shall  be  delighted  to  attend  your  wedding 
on  September  ninth,  at  four  o^clock. 

With  cordial  good  wishes  to  you  and  Mr, 
BrtU,  I  am 

Sincerely  yours, 
Janet  B.  Robbms. 


ACKNOWXEDGING   THE    FOEMAL    WEDDING   INVITATION 

When  a  breakfast  or  reception  card  is  included,  a 
response  must  be  made  promptly.  The  form  of  the  invita- 
tion should  be  followed  as  nearly  as  possible.  It  is  written 
on  the  first  page  of  a  sheet  of  social  note  paper,  and 
addressed  to  the  parents  or  guardians  of  the  bride.  Here 
is  the  form  used  for  acceptance: 

Mr,  and  Mrs.  John  Mortimer 

accept  with  pleasure 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  B.  Fletcher's 

kind  invitation  to  be  present  at  the 

marriage  of  their  daughter 

Helen  Marie 

to 

Mr,  Thomas  Wolcott 

on  Tuesday,  the  seventh  of  May 

at  twelve  o^clock 

and  afterward  at  the  wedding  breakfast 

Regrets  are  usually  worded  in  this  manner,  following 
closely  the  invitation.  The  reason  for  non-attendance 
may  or  may  not  be  given: 


WEDDING  INVITATIONS  4S 

Mr,  a/nd  Mrs.  John  Mortimer 

exceedingly  regret  that  tliey 

are  unable  to  accept 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Fletcher^s 

kind  invitation  to  be  present  at  the 

marriage  of  their  daughter 

Helen  Marie 

to 

Mr.  Thomas  Wolcott 

orb  Tuesday,  the  seventh  of  May 

at  twelve  o'clock 

and  afterward  at  the  wedding  breakfast 

In  the  fourth  line  of  the  first  acknowledgment  above 
the  two  last  words  *'at  the"  may  be  prefixed  to  the  fifth 
line;  the  same  holds  true  of  the  fifth  line  of  the  second 
acknowledgment.  A  good  stationer  will  be  able  to  give 
you  the  exact  prevalent  vogue  in  this  matter. 

WHOM    TO    INVITE 

It  is  necessary  for  the  young  man  and  woman  who  are 
about  to  be  married  to  make  out  their  list  of  those  to 
whom  invitations  are  to  be  sent  together.  If  the  wedding 
is  to  be  a  large  affair,  not  only  their  friends  but  the 
friends  of  their  parents  as  well,  and  business  acquaint- 
ances of  both  families  should  be  invited.  Relatives  and 
friends  in  mourning  should  be  invited  but  no  resentment 
should  be  felt  if  they  do  not  attend.  If  the  wedding  is  a 
small  one  great  care  should  be  taken  lest  the  guests  are 
so  numerous  as  to  overcrowd  the  church  or  home.  Es- 
pecially is  this  true  of  the  home  where  the  space  is  usually 
more  circumscribed. 


44  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

SENDING    THE    INVITATIONS 

All  invitations  should  come  from  the  home  of  the  bride, 
even  those  that  are  for  the  personal  friends  of  her  husband 
even  if  they  are  unknown  to  the  bride.  They  should  be 
mailed  from  one  month  to  two  weeks  or  ten  days  before 
the  day  set  for  the  wedding.  If  the  bride  is  an  orphan 
they  are  sent  in  the  name  of  her  nearest  relative.  If  there 
is  an  older  brother  they  may  be  issued  in  his  name,  but 
never  in  the  name  of  a  sister  rniless  she  is  a  great  deal 
older  than  the  bride  or  is  herself  a  married  woman.  If 
the  bride  has  lost  one  parent  and  the  other  has  remarried 
she  may  use  her  own  judgment  as  to  whether  to  send  the 
invitation  in  the  name  of  her  parent  or  in  the  names  of 
them  both.  The  latter  is  usually  preferred,  as  a  mattei* 
of  consideration  toward  the  step-parent. 

KECAIiLING   THE    WEDDING   INVITATION 

A  sudden  death  in  the  family,  illness,  accident,  or  other 
serious  happening,  warrants  the  recall  of  wedding  invita- 
tions. The  parents  of  the  bride  should  immediately  notify 
guests  of  the  postponement  of  the  wedding,  by  issuing 
printed  cards.  A  good  size  for  these  cards  is  three  and  a 
quarter  inches  in  length  by  one  and  one-quarter  inches  in 
width.    The  text  is  usually  -vorded  in  this  manner: 

Owing  to  the  sudden  death  of  Mr.  Henry 
Robert's  father,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Curtis  are 
compelled  to  recall  the  invitations  for  their 
daughter's  wedding  on  Thursday,  February  the 
fourth. 

or 


WEDDING  INVITATIONS  45 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Curtis  beg  to  recaU  the 
invitations  issued  for  the  marriage  of  their 
daughter,  Grace  Helen,  and  Mr.  Henry  Roberts, 
on  Thursday,  February  the  fourth. 

BREAKING   AN    ENGAGEMENT 

A  broken  engagement  is  always  embarrassing  for  both 
the  young  man  and  the  young  lady.  Friends,  if  they  are 
truly  well-bred,  will  not  ask  questions,  and  relatives  will 
not  demand  explanations.  The  obligations  which  such  a 
situation  entails  are  unpleasant,  but  it  is  infinitely  better 
to  go  through  the  ordeal  than  to  face  a  marriage  which 
is  certain  to  end  in  disaster. 

At  such  a  time  it  is  important  for  the  young  lady  to 
have  the  utmost  dignity  and  self-possession.  She  is  not 
expected  to  make  any  announcement  or  offer  any  explana- 
tions. If  a  reception  has  been  scheduled,  her  mother  sends 
brief  notes  or  engraved  cards  to  those  who  have  been 
invited,  informing  them  that  the  engagement  has  been 
broken.  The  young  lady,  if  she  wishes,  may  confide  in 
her  intimate  friends;  but  to  be  bitter,  to  condemn  her 
former  suitor  in  any  may,  to  suggest  that  perhaps  he  was 
not  all  that  she  thought  he  was  at  first,  not  only  reflects 
on  her  own  good  judgment,  but  is  very  poor  form  and 
shows  lack  of  delicacy. 

If  the  announcement  of  the  engagement  has  been  made 
in  the  papers  such  a  notice  as  this  might  be  inserted  in 
the  name  of  the  person  or  persons  who  first  made  the 
announcement : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  C.  D.  Simmons  announce  that 
by  mutual  consent  the  engagement  between  their 
daughter  Agnes  and  George  Francis  Richards 
is  at  an  end. 


46  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

If  invitations  have  been  sent  out  a  similar  announcement 
may  be  dispatched  to  each  intended  guest.  These  should 
be  engraved  on  white  cards  of  the  size  recommended  by 
the  stationer. 

If  the  engagement  was  announced  only  to  intimate 
friends  the  bride  should  send  each  of  them  a  note  stating 
that  the  engagement  is  at  an  end.  It  is  much  better  never 
to  give  an  explanation.  Such  occasions  as  this  must  have 
given  rise  to  the  proverb,  "Least  said,  soonest  mended.'* 
Even  to  the  bride's  dearest  friend  the  following  note  is 
sufficient : 

Bellevue,  June  1, 19 — 
Dear  Ruth: 

Since  I  wrote  you  last  week  something  has 
happened  which  has  made  George  and  me  recon- 
sider our  engagement.  You  will  therefore  please 
disregard  the  invitation  for  Thursday  after- 
noon. 

Ever  sincerely  yours, 

Margaret  FrankUn. 


EETUENING   GIFTS 

When  an  engagement;  is  broken  off  the  young  people 
return  all  expensive  gifts  and  all  letters  that  have  passed 
between  them.  The  young  lady  always,  of  course,  returns 
the  engagement  ring. 

If  wedding  presents  have  been  received  from  friends 
these  also  must  be  returned  with  a  brief  note  explaining 
that  the  wedding  is  not  to  take  place.  It  is  necessary  to 
thank  the  donor  as  warmly  as  if  nothing  had  happened. 


VVEDDING  INVITATIONS  47 

It  takes  a  great  deal  of  courage  to  face  the  situation 
bravely  and  to  go  through  it  without  a  sacrifice  of  dig- 
nity. One  thing  must  be  remembered:  Don't  he  afraid 
of  what  people  will  say.  It  is  not  their  happiness  which 
is  at  stake. 

WHEN    DEATH    INTERVENES 

Often  a  death  in  the  family  occurs  when  preparations 
are  under  way  for  a  wedding.  If  the  death  is  that  of  a 
parent  or  very  dear  relative  the  wedding  should  be  post- 
poned, if  circumstances  permit,  as  a  mark  of  respect  and 
sincere  sorrow  for  the  deceased.  But  if  the  wedding  must 
take  place  as  scheduled,  or  even  two  or  three  months  after 
the  death,  good  taste  and  delicacy  demand  that  it  shall 
be  quiet  and  simple,  with  only  a  few  near  relatives  and 
friends  present. 

If  the  ceremony  is  performed  in  church  there  should 
be  no  garlands  of  gay  flowers  to  strike  a  festive  note. 
A  bit  of  fern  or  other  green  foliage  here  and  there  is 
sufficient  decoration.  The  bride  may  have  one  bridesmaid 
and  a  maid  of  honor — but  an  elaborate  bridal  train  is 
considered  poor  taste  within  six  months  of  a  dearly  be- 
loved one's  death.  The  ceremony  itself  is  dispatched  with 
expedience  and  rapidity,  yet  without  any  semblance  what- 
ever of  haste. 

Whether  it  is  held  in  church  or  at  home,  the  wedding 
during  the  period  of  mourning  is  characterized  by  a 
solemn  simplicity  that  has  none  of  the  triumphant  joyous- 
ness  of  the  elaborate  wedding.  And  still  the  occasion  sac- 
rifices none  of  its  happiness,  for  sorrow  brings  to  hunaaa 
nature  the  same  mellow  sweetness  that  the  flight  of  tiaae 
brings  to  untasted  wine. 


48  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

To  pay  fitting  reverence  to  the  dead,  weddings  and  re- 
ceptions of  all  kinds  should  be  postponed.  But  if  circum- 
stanoes  decree  that  they  shall  take  place,  then  the  occa- 
sion may  be  marked  by  so  quiet  and  unpretentious  a  cere- 
mony that  the  respect  due  the  deceased  is  in  no  way 
violated. 


CHAPTER  V 
WEDDINGS 

THE    CHUECH    WEDDING 

The  bride  and  groom  decide  between  them  the  church 
where  they  wish  the  wedding  to  take  place  and  the  ciergy- 
man  whom  they^  wish  to  officiate.  When  there  is  no  re- 
ligious diiference  between  the  couple  the  matter  is  a  very 
simple  one  and  the  church  which  the  bride's  family  reg- 
ularly attends  is  the  one  chosen,  but  when  he  is  of  one 
faith  and  she  of  another  it  may  assume  serious  propor- 
tions. If  neither  is  inclined  to  yield  gracefully  the  laws  of 
etiquette  decree  that  the  groom  should  give  in,  not  only 
because  chivalry  demands  it  but  also  because  the  wedding 
day  by  right  and  tradition  belongs  primarily  to  the 
bride. 

The  church  should  be  decorated  for  the  occasion  but 
not  with  great  elaboration.  Palms,  ferns,  and  smilax, 
roses,  lilies  and  other  flowers  are  appropriate.  Ribbon 
also  may  be  used  effectively.  White  streamers  are  some- 
times used  to  mark  off  the  seats  which  are  to  be  occupied 
by  the  relatives  and  intimate  friends  of  the  brikJe  and 
groom,  but  there  are  many  people  who  do  not  Bke  to  indi- 
cate so  definitely  the  lines  of  demarcation  among  their 
guests. 

Extravagance  in  any  of  the  appointments  of  the  wed- 
ding are  in  extremely  bad  taste.     It  is  sometimes  well  to 


60  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

remember  the  delightful  logic  of  the  old  lady  who  said 
that  she  did  not  dress  better  than  she  could  afford  to  at 
home  because  everybody  knew  her  and  there  was  no  use 
trying  to  impress  them ;  and  she  did  not  dress  better  than 
she  could  afford  when  she  went  to  the  city  because  nobody 
knew  her  and  it  did  not  make  any  difference  whether  she 
impressed  them  or  not.  No  set  form  of  decoration  can 
be  given,  but  magnificent  ornamentation  is  out  of  place 
in  a  simple  chapel  or  church,  and  in  every  place  profusion 
beyond  one's  means  is  not  only  ill-bred  but  foolish. 

ATTENDANTS 

Among  the  Anglo-Saxons  the  custom  of  an  impressive 
escort  for  the  bride  had  its  origin.  To-day  it  is  a  matter 
of  choice,  and  the  bride  may  have  as  many  or  as  few  as 
she  pleases.  Her  maid  of  honor  is  usually  her  sister  or 
her  best  friend  and  her  bridesmaids  are  chosen  from  among 
those  who  are  dearest  to  her.  The  groom  chooses  the 
best  man  and  the  bride  and  groom  together  select  the 
ushers. 

THE    BEIDESMAIDS 

Although  the  number  of  bridesmaids  is  entirely  a  mat- 
ter of  choice,  it  is  the  fashion  at  an  elaborate  church 
wedding  to  have  not  less  than  five  nor  more  than  ten.  A 
maid  or  matron  of  honor,  two  little  pages  or  flower  girls, 
and,  if  it  is  desired,  a  third  child  to  bear  the  cushion  to 
the  altar,  completes  the  bridal  train. 

The  bevy  of  bridesmaids  consists  of  the  bride's  dearest 
friends.  If  she  has  sisters,  one  of  them,  as  well  as  one 
of  the  bridegroom's  sisters,  must  be  included  in  her  escort. 


<         WEDDINGS  61 

For  maid  or  matron  of  honor,  the  bride  selects  a  sister 
or  intimate  friend. 

It  is  sometimes  customary  for  the  bride  to  provide  the 
dresses  of  her  bridesmaids.  This,  however,  is  dependent 
upon  circumstances  and  conditions,  and  is  not  really  es- 
sential. It  is  important,  though,  that  the  bride  visit  eacli 
bridesmaid  personally  and  request  her  services  at  the 
wedding,  unless  she  lives  at  some  distance. 

The  bride,  if  the  wedding  is  to  be  an  elaborate  one,  may 
suggest  to  the  bridesmaids  the  kind  of  gowns  she  would 
like  them  to  wear.  The  young  ladies  may  be  trusted  to 
follow  her  wishes  implicitly.  No  one  would  willingly  mar  a 
friend's  wedding  by  appearing  in  a  gown  that  does  not 
agree  with  the  general  plan.  The  gowns  need  not  be 
identical;  but  the  colors  must  be  the  same,  or  at  least 
harmonize.  Light  shades  are  always  the  fashion  for 
bridesmaids.    White,  of  course,  for  the  bride. 

The  bridesmaids  should  be  invited  many  weeks  before 
the  wedding  so  tliat  they  will  have  ample  time  for  prepara- 
tion. Nearly  always  the  dress  has  to  be  made,  and  this 
takes  time. 

It  is  customary  for  the  bridesmaids  to  be  dressed  alike 
or  very  nearly  alike.  The  custom  had  its  origin  in  primi- 
tive times  when  evil  spirits  were  supposed  to  attend  wed- 
ding ceremonies  and  the  bride  and  groom  were  surrounded 
by  friends  of  their  own  age  and  sex  dressed  similarly  so 
that  the  spirits  could  not  single  out  the  happy  couple  for 
their  evil  designs.  It  is  a  far  cry  from  that  time  to  this, 
and  the  only  reason  why  the  bridesmaids  are  dressed  sim- 
ilarly now  is  because  the  effect  is  so  much  prettier  than 
could  be  attained  by  a  miscellaneous  array  of  gowns,  how- 
ever beautiful  each  one  in  itself  might  be. 

They  carry  flowers,  either  cut  flowers  or  bouquets,  but 


62  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

their  bouquets  are  never  so  elaborate  as  that  carried  by 
the  bri(te.  Usually  they  wear  a  bit  of  jewelry  which  was 
presented  by  the  groom.  This,  too,  is  a  curious  survival 
of  primitive  marriage  customs  when  the  groom  had  to 
capture  the  bride,  and  because  she  was  fleet-footed  and 
wild  (or  perhaps  because  he  was  lazy),  bribed  her  friends 
to  lure  her  to  the  place  where  he  was  waiting. 

BKHEASSAI^S 

Elaborate  weddings  should  always  be  rehearsed  at  least 
once  beforehand.  In  arranging  these  rehearsals  the  bride 
must  have  i«  mind  the  convenience  of  her  attendants,  and 
by  consulting  them,  should  settle  upon  a  time  that  will 
be  agreeable  for  the  majority.  The  requests  for  one's 
presence  at  a  rehearsal  may  be  made  verbally  or  by  notes. 
Refreshments  are  usually  served  afterward  at  the  home 
of  the  bride. 

She  must  arrange  for  the  opening  of  the  church,  and 
she  should  proride  a  way  for  the  young  ladies  who  are 
at  some  distance  to  get  there.  The  details  of  the  cere- 
mony should  be  practiced  until  the  whole  thing  can  be 
accomplished  with  ease  and  grace.  Every  possible  effort 
must  be  made  to  eliminate  a  stilted  and  wooden  effect  on 
the  actual  day  of  the  wedding. 

KEGASDING    THE    USHEES 

At  the  rehearsal  they  should  receive  careful  instructions 
(usually  from  the  clergyman),  as  a  large  part  of  the 
smoothness  and  charm  of  the  wedding  ceremony  depends 
upon  their  knowledge  of  the  right  thing  to  do  at  the 
right  time. 


WEDDINGS  6S 

On  tlie  day  of  the  wedding,  they  must  be  at  the  church 
at  least  an  liour  before  the  scheduled  time  for  the  cere- 
mony. It  is  part  of  their  duty  to  welcome  the  guests  and 
escort  them  to  their  seats.  An  old  custom  was  for  the 
usher  to  offer  his  right  arm  to  a  lady,  and  although  it 
still  prevails,  a  more  accepted  form  is  for  him  to  welcome 
each  guest  with  a  smile,  precede  her  down  the  aisle,  and 
with  a  graceful  indication,  direct  her  to  her  place. 

Front  seats  should  always  be  reserved  for  the  relatives 
and  most  intimate  friends  of  both  families.  At  most 
fashionable  weddings,  the  names  of  the  people  to  receive 
these  front  seats  are  tabulated  on  cards  and  given  to  the 
ushers.  Another  custom  that  is  permissible  is  to  mark  off 
the  number  of  seats  in  front  that  are  to  be  reserved  with  a 
white  ribbon,  extending  from  aisle  to  aisle  and  terminating 
at  the  end  seats  with  pretty  bows  or  festoons.  This  man- 
ner of  reserving  seats  for  the  "guests  of  honor^  is  not 
only  effective,  but  is  also  decorative. 

THE    WEDDING    DAY 

June  and  October,  because  the  weather  is  usually  beau- 
tiful and  flowers  are  more  abundant  than  at  other  times, 
are  the  favorite  months  for  brides,  though  there  is  not  a 
single  month  out  of  the  twelve  that  does  not  see  its  full 
quota  of  elaborate  weddings.  During  Lent  there  are 
fewer  than  at  any  other  time. 

There  is  an  old  superstition  which  says  that  Friday 
is  an  unlucky  day  for  a  wedding,  but  the  prejudice  that 
rose  from  it  has  so  largely  been  done  away  with  that  the 
only  choice  among  the  days  of  the  week  is  that  whioh  rises 
from  the  bride's  personal  convenience  and  desire. 

A  wedding  may  take  place  at  any  hour  of  the  day. 


54  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Morning  weddings  are  usually  very  simple.  Elaborate 
ceremonies  are  usually  performed  at  high  noon  or  in  the 
evening  wliile  the  wedding  that  is  neither  very  simple  nor 
very  elaborate  (and  this  means  most  weddings)  takes  place 
in  the  afternoon.  In  a  great  many  instances  the  hour  has 
to  be  arranged  with  reference  to  the  time  the  train  on 
which  the  bride  and  groom  expect  to  leave  departs. 

AKEIVING    AT    THE    CHURCH 

Tlie  wedding  party  should  arrive  promptly  at  the 
church  a  few  minutes  before  the  time  mentioned  for  the 
ceremoay.  Few  moments  are  more  tensely  anxious  than 
those  in  which  a  belated  member  of  the  wedding  party  is 
awaited  by  the  others.  For  this  reason,  it  is  always  better 
to  assemble  at  the  home  of  the  bride  rather  than  in  the 
vestibule  of  the  church  or  elsewhere.  Except  the  groom 
and  best  man,  who  await  the  others  in  the  vestry  and  the 
ushers  who  have  gone  on  ahead  an  hour  or  so  earlier. 

The  bride's  mother,  the  maid  of  honor  and  guests  leave 
the  home  of  the  bride  first.  They  are  followed  by  the 
bridesmaids.  The  last  to  leave  are  the  bride  and  her 
father. 

The  bride's  mother  is  escorted  to  her  place  (the  aisle 
seat  of  the  front  pew  on  the  left  side)  by  the  head  usher. 
Those  of  her  cliildren  who  have  no  part  in  the  procession 
accompany  her.  The  family  of  the  bridegroom  are  simi- 
larly conducted  to  their  reserved  place,  the  front  pew 
on  the  right  side.  As  soon  as  the  bridesmaids  and  the 
bridal  party  arrive  at  the  door  of  the  church,  the  bride- 
groom is  informed,  and  the  entire  cortege  assembles  in 
the  vestibule.  The  organist  has  previously  been  informed 
as  to  what  musical  selections  are  to  be  played,  an'i  as 


WEDDINGS  65 

soon  as  he  gets  his  cue,  he  strikes  a  chord — and  while  the 
mellow  notes  of  the  organ  peal  forth  (usually  the  beautiful 
tones  of  the  wedding-march  from  "Lohengrin")  the  doors 
at  the  foot  of  the  aisle  slowly  swing  open. 

WEDDIXG    MUSIC 

The  bride  usually  enters  on  Lohengrin  and  goes  out  on 
Mendelssohn.  Throughout  the  ceremony,  except  when 
pra^^ers  are  being  said,  there  should  be  soft  music  and 
the  organ  should  continue  to  play  until  all  the  guests 
have  left  the  church,  unless  chimes  are  rung.  In  the 
event  that  there  are  chimes  they  should  begin  to  ring  as 
soon  as  the  bridal  party  has  left  the  church.  The  music 
for  a  church  service  may  be  very  stately  and  impressive. 
Besides  the  organ  stringed  instruments  may  be  employed 
and  soloists  or  a  choir  may  be  asked  to  sing.  Music  is 
especially  pleasing  during  the  time  when  the  guests  are 
waiting  for  the  wedding  party  to  assemble. 

The  musical  program  in  the  home  is  not  very  different. 
A  piano  and  one  or  two  stringed  instrimients  furnish  the 
instrumental  music  while  friends  of  the  bride  and  groom 
may  be  requested  to  sing.  These  should  be  rewarded  by  a 
gift  from  the  groom.  There  is  a  wider  choice  in  the  kind 
of  music  which  may  be  used  at  the  home  wedding,  for 
the  beautiful  secular  love  songs  which  are  out  of  place  at 
the  church  are  most  appropriate  here. 

THE  wt:dding  procession 

The  order  of  the  wedding  procession  depends  largely 
upon  the  number  of  attendants.  The  following  arrange- 
ment is  frequently  observed :    The  ushers  enter  first,  walk- 


56  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

ing  slowly  down  the  aisle  two  by  two.  The  bridesmaids 
follow  in  the  same  manner,  the  maid  of  honor,  who  is 
unattended,  comes  next,  followed  by  the  bride,  who  leans 
on  the  arm  of  her  father.  Flower  girls  may  precede  the 
procession  or  they  may  walk  just  in  front  of  the  bride  and 
a  page  or  pages  may  be  added  to  the  group  to  bear  the 
train  of  the  bride's  gown.  The  bride  is  always  the  last 
to  enter  and  she  comes  alone  or  with  whoever  is  to  give 
her  away  at  the  altar. 

As  they  reach  the  altar  the  ushers  separate,  one  half 
moving  to  the  right,  the  other  to  the  left.  The  brides- 
maids do  likewise,  and  the  maid  of  honor  steps  to  the 
left  of  the  bride  while  she  and  her  father  advr.nce  toward 
the  space  left  at  the  foot  of  the  altar  for  them.  At  this 
point  the  groom  nd  best  man  come  forward  and  the 
bride  slips  her  hand  from  her  father's  arm  and  places  it 
in  the  hand  of  the  groom,  who  leads  her  to  the  clergyman. 
Her  father  stands  at  her  right. 


THE    CEREMONY 

The  ceremony  is  performed  in  accordance  with  the  rites 
prescribed  by  the  religious  belief  of  the  young  people 
who  are  about  to  be  married.  The  clergyman  is  the 
person  to  consult  about  any  embarrassing  situations  that 
might  arise. 

As  the  wedding  ring  is  worn  on  the  same  finger  that 
has  previously  worn  the  engagement  ring  the  bride  usually 
removes  the  latter  and  places  it  on  the  corresponding 
finger  of  the  right  hand.  She  may  allow  it  to  remain 
there  after  the  ceremony  or  she  may  place  it  on  the  same 
finger  with  the  wedding  ring.    It  is  allowable  to  leave  the 


WEDDINGS  67 

engagement  ring  in  place  and  slip  the  wedding  ring  on 
over  it. 

A  word  about  the  ring  itself.  Like  many  another  of 
our  practices  to-day  its  use  is  a  survival  from  primitive 
times  when  women  were  chattels  and  a  man's  wife  was  his 
property,  liis  slave  to  do  with  as  he  pleased,  and  the  ring 
was  of  heavy  iron,  a  sign  of  bondage.  Not  more  than  a 
decade  back  the  ring  was  too  heavy  to  be  comfortable  on 
the  finger,  but  now  it  is  a  slender  band  of  gold  "^r  platinimi 
with  or  without  scroll-work  or  other  ornamentation,  as 
the  wearer  may  desire.  Its  symbolism  is  very  beautiful. 
The  precious  metal  is  an  emblem  of  the  purity  of  the  love 
between  a  man  and  his  wife  and  the  circle  itself  is  a 
symbol  of  eternity. 

Before  entering  the  church  the  bride  removes  the  glove 
from  her  left  hand  and  she  may  give  it  with  her  bouquet 
to  the  maid  of  honor  to  hold  during  the  ceremony.  The 
practice  of  ripping  one  finger  of  the  glove  so  as  to  leave 
it  bare  for  the  ring  is  a  very  foolish  one  and  has  never 
found  favor  among  people  of  good  breeding. 

It  is  the  part  of  the  best  man  to  look  after  the  groom. 
His  services  may  be  required  in  connection  with  many  of 
the  preliminary  details  of  the  wedding  even  in  the  pro- 
curing of  the  license.  At  the  wedding  itself  he  takes 
charge  of  the  ring  and  the  clergyman's  fee,  giving  the 
former  to  the  groom  just  before  the  ceremony  requires  him 
to  place  it  on  the  bride's  finger. 

The  bride's  father  remains  directly  behind  her  until  the 
clergyman  asks,  "Who  giveth  this  woman  to  this  man?" 
when  he  comes  forward,  takes  his  daughter's  hand,  lays  it 
in  that  of  the  groom  and  says,  "I  do."  He  then  turns 
away  and  retires  to  the  pew  where  his  wife  is  sitting. 


58  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

XEAVING    THE    ALTAB 

When  the  final  blessing  has  been  pronounced  the  bridal 
group  may  stand  at  the  altar  for  a  while  receiving  their 
friends  and  then  break  up  informally,  or  the  procession 
may  leave  the  church  in  reverse  order  from  that  in  which 
they  entered,  the  bride  and  groom  walking  first  together, 
followed  by  the  best  man  and  the  maid  of  honor  and  the 
bridesmaids  and  the  ushers  walking  in  pairs.  The  auto- 
mobile of  the  bride  and  groom  should  be  waiting  at  the 
door  to  whisk  them  away  to  the  home  of  the  bride,  where 
preparations  are  made  for  the  wedding  journey. 

THROWING   THE    BOUQUET 

It  is  a  pretty  custom  for  the  bride  to  throw  her  bouquet 
among  the  bridesmaids  (especially  lovely  when  the  wedding 
takes  place  at  home  and  the  bride  turns  to  throw  the 
flowers  as  she  mounts  the  stairs).  It  is  a  happy  omen  for 
the  yoimg  lady  who  catches  the  bouquet.  She  may  divide 
it  among  the  others  or  she  may  keep  it  for  herself.  It  is 
not  compulsory  for  the  bride  to  part  with  the  bouquet  if 
she  prefers  to  keep  it  herself.  She  may  press  the  flowers 
or  she  may  have  rose  beads  made  from  the  petals  or  she 
may  dispose  of  it  in  any  way  she  desires. 

A  well-known  young  society  woman  who  was  married 
recently  in  one  of  New  York's  most  exclusive  churches, 
ordered  all  the  flowers  used  in  decorations  to  be  sent  to  a 
certain  hospital  to  gladden  the  slowly  dragging  hours  of 
the  sufferers.  She  has  created  a  precedent  that  every 
bride  should  be  proud  and  happy  to  follow. 

After  all,  the  greatest  happiness  is  in  making  others 
•^*PPy*     The  joy  of  the  wedding  day  will  gain  a  new 


WEDDINGS  59 

sweetness  when  a  kind  deed  adds  to  its  pleasure.  Rather 
let  the  sufferers  in  a  hospital  enjoy  the  colorful  fragrance 
of  the  flowers  than  permit  them  to  wilt,  forgotten,  in  the 
church. 

EICE,    ETC. 

Frequently  a  shower  of  rice  follows  the  departing 
couple,  and  satin  slippers  are  thrown  after  the  car.  Care 
must  be  taken  not  to  overdo  this  ancient  custom,  for 
although  it  is  considered  good  luck  for  one  of  the  satin 
slippers  to  alight  on  the  top  of  the  car,  it  is  certainly 
bad  form  to  give  the  occasion  any  appearance  whatsoever 
of  vulgarity. 

It  is  interesting  to  trace  this  custom  back  to  its  origin. 
Among  the  ancient  Egyptians  and  Hebrews  a  slipper  or 
sandal  was  a  symbol  that  denoted  an  exchange  of  property. 
Women  at  that  time  were  regarded  as  property,  and  they 
were  given  in  exchange  for  other  property.  Later  we  find, 
in  Anglo-Saxon  marriages,  that  the  bride's  father  de- 
livers her  shoe  to  the  bridegroom,  who  touches  her  on  the 
head  with  it  in  token  of  his  ownership  and  authority.  The 
custom  prevailed,  and  still  later  we  find  that  the  idea  of 
good  luck  is  associated  with  the  throwing  of  slippers  at 
weddings.  Rice  and  grain  were  combined  with  the  cere- 
mony of  throwing  shoes,  obviously  indicating  a  plea  to  the 
deity  of  Productiveness  to  bless  the  marriage  with  an 
abundant  supply  of  nature's  bounties. 

To-day  the  custom  is  still  in  vogue.  Old  satin  slippers 
and  handfuls  of  rice  are  thrown  after  the  departing 
couple.  It  would  not  be  an  objectionable  custom  if  some 
over-enthusiastic  indi\'iduals  did  not  overdo  it  to  the 
extent  that  it  becomes  almost  riotous.  After  a  solemn, 
dignified,  well-ordered  wedding  ceremony,  and  a  charming 


60  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

reception,  it  is  nothing  short  of  ridiculous  to  spoil  it  all 
by  boisterously  overdoing  an  old  tradition.  The  cultured 
person  is  always  well-poised,  always  calm — whether  it  be 
during  the  tense  moments  of  the  wedding-vow  utterances, 
or  the  half-glad,  half-sad  moments  of  seeing  the  happy 
pair  off. 

THE    WEDDING    B.ECEPTION 

Fashionable  weddings,  if  not  celebrated  with  a  wedding 
breakfast,  are  followed  by  a  reception  either  in  the  after- 
noon or  evening.  All  the  bridal  attendants  are  present, 
and  those  relatives  and  friends  who  have  previously  re- 
ceived invitations. 

The  reception  takes  place  in  the  drawing  room  of  the 
bride's  home.  The  room  is  decorated  with  flowers,  and 
in  the  hall  is  a  refreshment  table  on  which  is  punch,  cakes 
and  boxes  containing  favors  for  each  of  the  guests. 

The  bride  and  groom  stand  together  under  a  floral  bell 
and  accept  the  congratulations  and  good  wishes  of  the 
guests.  The  bride's  mother  and  father  are  at  the  door 
of  the  drawing  room  to  welcome  them,  and  the  parents 
of  the  groom  are  also  ready  to  receive  and  welcome  the 
guests  as  they  arrive. 

It  is  an  important  duty  of  the  ushers,  at  the  wedding 
reception,  to  introduce  to  the  bride  all  those  guests  whom 
she  does  not  know.  She  accepts  their  congratulations 
with  a  smile  and  a  cordial  word  or  two  in  acknowledgment 
of  the  introduction. 

THE    WEDDING    BEEAKFAST 

Wedding  breakfasts,  though  an  old  English  cuetom, 
are  often  held  after  the  church  wedding.    If  it  is  decided 


WEDDINGS  61 

upon,  the  guests  to  be  invited  should  be  informed  at  least 
two  weeks  in  advance.  The  occasion  has  all  the  dignity 
and  formality  of  a  dinner  party. 

The  bride  and  groom  enter  the  dining  room  first.  They 
are  followed  by  the  bride's  mother  and  the  groom's  father, 
and  the  groom's  mother  and  the  bride's  father.  The 
bridesmaids  and  ushers  are  always  invited  to  the  wedding 
breakfast,  and  they  follow  immediately  after  the  parents 
of  the  happy  couple.  The  precedence  of  the  other  invited 
guests  is  arranged  by  the  mother  of  the  bride. 

The  menu  at  a  wedding  breakfast  is  never  elaborate. 
Consommee  or  bouillon,  salads,  birds,  ices,  jellies  and  bon- 
bons are  the  usual  order.  Coffee  and  dainty  cakes  are 
served  last.  The  wedding  cake,  if  one  is  served  at  all,  is 
set  before  the  bride. 

The  bride  gives  one-and-one-half  to  two  hours  to  her 
guests  at  the  wedding  breakfast.  Then  she  retires  to 
her  room,  accompanied  b}'  the  maid  of  honor  and  her  most 
intimate  friends  among  the  bridesmaids ;  and  when  she 
appears  again  she  is  in  traveling  costume.  The  groom 
has  also  retired  to  change  his  clothes,  and  he  meets  the 
bride  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs.  The  motor  is  at  the  door 
in  readiness,  and  after  the  last  whispered  good-bys,  warm 
handclasps  and  hasty  kisses — the  bride  and  groom  are  oif ! 

THE    WEDDING    PEESENT 

The  custom  of  giving  wedding  presents  dates  from 
away  back  in  Dutch  history  when  the  relatives  and  friends 
of  the  bride  and  groom  took  upon  themselves  the  responsi- 
bility of  furnishing  the  new  household. 

Great  taste  and  discrimination  should  be  exercised  in 
the  selecting  of  gifts  and  they  should  be  sent  early.    Two 


62  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETl'E 

months  before  the  wedding  is  not  too  soon.  It  is  wise  for 
iht  friends  whenever  possible  to  consult  each  other  so  that 
they  will  not  duplicate  gifts.  If  most  of  the  silver,  etc., 
is  gotten  from  the  same  jeweler  he  is  a  great  help  in  select- 
ing something  that  is  not  only  appropriate  in  itself  but 
in  harmony  with  the  other  gifts. 

Anyone  who  receives  an  invitation  may  send  the  bride 
a  gift,  though  it  is  not  absolutely  necessary  to  respond 
to  the  invitation  in  this  way.  To  the  question:  "What 
shall  the  gift  be.'"'  the  answer  is  the  prettiest  and  most 
useful  article  within  one's  means.  China  and  silver  are 
always  appropriate,  and  cut  glass,  linen,  books,  and  even 
chedks  or  gold  pieces  are  most  acceptable. 

There  is  a  slight  prejudice  against  giving  money  as  a 
present  at  a  wedding  or  at  any  other  time,  but  one  has 
only  to  see  the  joy  that  the  bride  and  groom  get  out  of 
spending  the  money  over  and  over  again  before  they  finally 
do  spend  it  to  have  this  prejudice  dispelled. 

Silver  and  linen  are  usually  marked  with  the  initials  of 
the  bride,  more  often  than  not  with  the  initials  of  her 
maiden  name.  If  there  is  any  doubt  as  to  which  she 
prefers  and  one  is  not  able  to  find  out  indirectly,  it  is  per- 
missible to  ask  her. 

Gifts  should  always  be  accompanied  by  the  cards  of 
the  donors,  but  these  should  be  removed  when  they  are 
placed  on  display. 

ACKNOWLEDGING    WEDDING    PRESENTS 

It  is  not  sufficient  merely  to  keep  the  cards  which  ac- 
company the  wedding  gifts  but  there  must  be  some  system 
by  which  the  bride  can  remember  which  gift  each  one  ac- 
companied.   She  may  indicate  this  on  the  card  itself  or  sh« 


WEDDINGS  63 

may  keep  a  list  of  the  names  of  the  donors  with  the 
names  of  the  gifts  opposite,  but  she  must  be  absolutely 
sure  that  she  is  thanking  the  right  person. 

If  the  honeymoon  is  to  be  only  two  weeks  or  thereabouts 
the  bride  may  wait  until  her  return  to  thank  her  friends, 
but  if  it  is  to  be  of  long  duration  she  should  write  the 
notes  of  acknowledgment  as  soon  as  she  finds  it  convenient 
to  do  so.  These  personal  notes — and  a  personal  note  is 
the  only  proper  way  to  thank  one  for  a  wedding  present — 
are  usually  written  by  the  bride,  but  she  should  always 
be  careful  to  introduce  her  husband's  name  unless  the 
gift  was  a  very  intimate  one  for  her  alone.  The  following 
note  is  a  graceful  way  for  both  husband  and  wife  to  ex- 
press their  gratitude: 

July  1, 1921, 
Dear  Rosalind: 

George  and  I  both  wish  to  thank  you  for  the 
lovely  picture.  When  we  return  from  Atlantic 
City  we  shall  hang  it  in  our  living  room  where 
all  of  our  friends  can  enjoy  it  with  us.  We  hope 
that  you  will  be  among  the  first  to  visit  us  in  our 
new  home. 

Very  sincerely  yours, 

Annie  Beard  Hill. 

Sometimes  the  groom  receives  personal  gifts  from 
friends  of  his.  To  these  he  writes  notes  of  thanks  in  his 
own  name. 

THE    HOME    WEDDING 

Home  weddings  can  often  be  made  as  impressive  as 
church  weddings.      With   correct   decorations   the  most 


64.  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

spacious  rooms  in  the  bride's  house  can  be  transformed 
into  an  interior  as  lovely  as  the  interior  of  a  beautifully 
decorated  church. 

For  instance,  at  a  fashionable  home  wedding,  held  re- 
cently, the  drawing  room  was  decorated  with  massive  floral 
wreaths  and  clusters  of  palms.  A  huge  bell  of  flowers 
hung  in  the  center  of  the  room,  and  a  canopy  of  flowers, 
occupying  one  corner,  simulated  a  chapel.  The  effect 
was  altogether  delightful. 

Only  close  relatives  and  friends  should  be  invited  to 
the  home  wedding.  The  bridegroom  does  not  enter  the 
home  of  the  bride  until  a  half  hour  before  the  ceremony 
begins,  and  when  he  does  arrive,  he  and  his  best  man  do 
not  mingle  with  the  other  guests  but  retire  to  an  adjoin- 
ing room  provided  for  them.  The  clergyman  also  retires 
to  this  room  when  he  arrives,  and  it  is  here  that  he  dons 
his  ofiicial  robe.  The  three  remain  until  it  is  announced 
that  the  bride  is  ready  to  enter  the  drawing  room. 

The  bride's  mother,  assisted  by  her  husband,  receives 
the  guests.  It  is  not  considered  good  form  to  begin  the 
ceremony  until  they  have  all  arrived.  Then,  when  every- 
thing is  in  readiness,  the  bride  is  met  at  the  head  of  the 
stairs  by  her  father,  and  is  conducted  by  him  to  the 
entrance  of  the  room.  Usually  there  is  no  elaborate  wed- 
ding procession,  and  even  in  the  most  fashionable  home 
wedding  there  is  often  only  a  maid  or  matron  of  honor  to 
precede  the  bride.  There  are  rarely  more  than  half  a  dozen 
bridesmaids  at  most.  The  order  of  precedence  is  similar 
to  that  of  the  church  wedding;  the  clergyman  performs 
the  ceremony  under  a  floral  canopy,  and  when  it  is  com- 
pleted, he  steps  aside  and  the  newly  married  couple  take 
his  place  to  receive  the  congratulations  and  good  wishes 
of  the  guests. 


WEDDINGS  65 

The  wedding  breakfast  or  reception  proceeds  immedi- 
ately upon  the  conclusion  of  the  ceremony.  Everyone 
present  is  a  guest;  and  everyone  present  attends  the 
reception. 

THE    SECOND    WEDDING 

When  a  woman  marries  for  the  second  time,  her  wed- 
ding should  be  very  conservative.  Elaborate  ceremonies 
would,  indeed,  be  out  of  place.  However,  the  more  im- 
portant conditions  of  the  ceremony  are  followed  very 
much  along  the  same  lines. 

White  is  for  the  girl-bride  only.  The  woman  who  mar- 
ries for  the  second  time  indulges  in  none  of  the  age-olcj 
customs  that  the  first  bride  does.  She  does  not  wear  a 
white  veil ;  she  does  not  carry  orange  blossoms ;  she  does 
not  have  flower  girls  or  pages  or  bridesmaids.  The  more 
inconspicuous  the  second  wedding  is,  the  more  it  is  in 
accordance  with  the  rules  of  etiquette. 

The  bride-for-the-second-time  may  have  a  maid  of  honor 
only  on  one  occasion.  If  she  has  a  church  wedding  and 
invites  numerous  guests,  she  may  have  a  maid  of  honor  to 
precede  her  to  the  altar.  As  in  the  first  wedding,  her 
father  gives  her  away.  Her  family  assumes  all  responsi- 
bility for  the  expenses  involved  unless  she  prefers  to  do 
so  herself.  If  a  reception  is  given  after  the  ceremony,  the 
same  order  of  precedence  is  followed  as  after  the  first 
wedding;  the  reception  may  be  held  either  in  the  home 
of  the  bride's  parents,  or  in  her  own  home. 

If  married  in  church,  there  are  none  of  the  elaborate 
decorations  that  characterize  the  first  bridal,  although 
flowers  are  always  acceptable.  Especially  if  the  second 
ceremony  takes  place  only  a  short  time  after  the  mourn- 


66  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

ing  period  for  the  first  husband,  any  conspicuous  display 
is  in  very  bad  taste. 

SOME    IMPORTANT    CONVENTIONS 

It  is  customary  for  a  widow  to  remove  the  engagement 
ring  and  wedding  ring  of  her  first  husband  before  the  day 
of  her  second  wedding.  The  sight  of  them  cannot  be  in 
any  way  pleasant  to  her  new  husband,  and  they  may  be  a 
sourqe  of  sorrowful  memory  to  her.  It  is  best  to  discard 
them  as  soon  as  the  second  marriage  is  decided  upon. 

There  has  always  been  some  doubt  as  to  whether  or 
not  the  family  of  the  second-bride's  first  husband  should 
be  invited  to  her  wedding.  Absolutely.  There  is  no 
reason  why  they  should  be  ignored,  any  more  than  any 
of  the  other  friends  and  acquaintances  of  the  bride.  In 
fact,  she  owes  them  a  special  courtesy,  and  if  they  accept 
the  invitation,  they  must  be  treated  with  the  kindest 
attention  and  courtesy.  They  must  alwaj^s  occupy  seats 
below  the  white  ribbon,  if  the  wedding  is  held  at  church. 
If  there  is  for  any  reason  dissension  or  disagreement  be- 
tween her  and  her  first  husband's  family,  she  will  not  of 
course  invite  them.  But  that  may  only  be  an  individual 
case;  the  general  rule  is  to  invite  them  and  treat  them 
with  the  utmost  consideration. 

Gifts  at  the  second  wedding  will  not  be  as  elaborate  as 
those  at  the  first  wedding.  However,  each  gift  must  be 
acknowledged  with  a  cordial  note  of  thanks.  In  fact, 
all  the  etiquette  of  the  first  wedding  is  observed,  except 
that  it  is  on  a  much  simpler  scale. 

As  for  the  man  who  marries  for  the  second  time,  he, 
too,  follows  the  original  dictates  of  wedding  etiquette, 
tnd  eliminates  only  the  farewell  bachelor  dinner.     Here 


WEDDINGS  67 

also  the  ceremony  and  reception  is  on  a  considerably  less 
extravagant  style. 

SEEKING    ADVICE 

The  girl  or  woman  who  is  about  to  be  married  can 
always  get  helpful  suggestions  from  her  friends  who 
have  been  married  or  have  witnessed  fashionable  weddings. 
The  minister  in  charge  is  especially  qualified  to  give  you  a 
great  deal  of  important  advice,  and  one  should  never 
hesitate  to  consult  him.  In  his  official  capacity  he  has 
doubtless  served  at  many  weddings,  many  of  them  well- 
nigh  perfect,  some  of  them  marred  by  the  very  blunders 
that  he  can  teach  you  to  avoid. 

WEDDING   ANNIVERSABIES 

There  is  something  strangely  beautiful  and  poetic  in 
the  celebration  of  a  wedding  anniversary.  It  arouses 
slumbering  sentiments  and  mellows  old  memories  into  a 
throbbing  happiness.  Here  are  the  wedding  anniversaries 
that  are  usually  celebrated  in  our  better  society: 

The  Paper  Wedding — first  year. 
The  Wooden  Wedding — fifth  year. 
The  Tin  Wedding — tenth  year. 
The  Leather  Wedding — twelfth  year. 
The  Crystal  Wedding — fifteenth  year. 
The  China  Wedding — twentieth  year. 
The  Silver  Wedding — twenty-fifth  year. 
The  Ivory  Wedding — thirtieth  year. 
The  Woolen  Wedding — fortieth  year. 
The  Silk  Wedding — forty-fifth  year. 
The  Golden  Wedding — fiftieth  year. 
The  Diamond  Wedding — seventy-fifth  year. 


€8  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Although  many  families  celebrate  all  of  these  anni- 
versaries, it  is  more  generally  the  fashion  to  disregard  all 
those  that  come  before  the  quarter-century  mark.  The 
first  anniversary  to  be  celebrated  is  usually  ,  the  silver 
wedding.  The  most  favored  way  of  doing  this  is  to  have  a 
dinner  party  or  a  reception.  Sometimes,  especially  when 
there  are  young  unmarried  daughters,  a  dance  is  given 
and  a  dinner  follows  later. 

THE    SILVER    WEDDING 

Cards  for  the  silver  wedding  reception  should  be  printed 
on  white  or  silver-gray  paper.  They  may  be  printed  in 
silver  or  black.  They  may  be  worded  in  the  usual  **at 
home"  form,  or  may  be  in  this  form: 

Mr-  and  Mrs.  S.  Brown 

request  the  pleasure  of *s  presence 

at  the  Imner  reception  of  their 

Silver  Wedding 

on  Tuesday,  June  the  fourteenth 

at  seven  o'clock 

1897  1922 

If  an  invitation  like  the  one  above  is  issued,  the  guests 
will  undoubtedly  send  beautiful  gifts  of  silver — unless, 
as  is  often  the  case,  it  is  requested  in  the  invitation  that 
no  gifts  be  presented.  Sometimes,  in  fact,  the  bride  and 
groom  of  twenty-five  years  commemorate  their  silver  wed- 
ding by  themselves,  sending  handsome  gifts  of  silver  to 
those  who  started  out  in  married  life  at  about  the  samf 
time  that  they  did,  but  who  have  not  been  materially  se 
fortunate. 


WEDDINGS  69 


THE    RECEPTION 


If  a  reception  celebrates  the  silver  wedding,  the  hus- 
band assists  his  wife  in  receiving.  Often  the  occasion 
begins  at  the  precise  hour  at  which  the  marriage  took 
place ;  but  usually  the  preferred  time  is  in  the  late  after- 
noon or  evening.  The  "bridal  couple"  should  make  an 
effort  to  have  as  many  as  the  original  party  of  bridal 
attendants  present  as  possible.  It  will  be  interesting  for 
the  best  man  and  the  maid  of  honor  to  have  a  little  chat 
together  after  twenty-five  years. 

The  husband  leads  the  way  to  the  dining  room  with 
his  wife  on  liis  arm,  and  she  sits  at  the  right  of  him  at  the 
table.  If  the  historic  wedding  cake  is  included  in  the 
collation,  it  is  placed  before  the  bride,  just  as  it  was 
twenty-five  years  ago.  The  table  decorations  should  be 
white  and  silver,  with  a  touch  of  green. 

The  menu  will  be  the  regular  formal  dinner  menu,  served 
and  garnished  with  a  regard  for  decorative  effect. 
Speeches  are  in  order,  and  a  toast  is  usually  proposed  for 
the  couple.  The  husband  responds  with  a  little  speech 
in  which  he  honors  his  wife,  and  she  acknowledges  with  a 
smile  that  is  in  itself  sufficient  eloquence  for  the  occasion. 
Tiny  silver  favors,  packed  neatly  in  small  white  boxes  and 
tied  with  silver  ribbon  are  effective  novelties  at  the  silver 
wedding. 

TIN   AND    WOODEN    WEDDINGS 

A  genera}  frolic  is  in  order  at  the  tin  wedding.  It  is 
rarely  celebrated,  in  fact,  unless  the  ten-year-married 
husband  a^d  wife  wish  to  gather  together  all  their  old 


70  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

friends  and  have  a  jolly  good  time.  Gifts  are  usually  in 
the  form  of  tin  kitchen  utensils,  tin  candle-sticks,  tin  fans, 
tin  ornaments — even  tin  tables  and  chairs  are  offered  as 
gifts  to  celebrate  the  tenth  anniversary.  A  dinner,  very 
much  like  the  ordinary  informal  dinner  except  for  the 
additional  "tin"  celebrations,  follows  the  reception. 

Wooden  weddings  are  not  very  often  held,  although 
some  very  fashionable  ones  are  recorded  in  the  annals  of 
social  history.  Rolling-pins,  step-ladders,  and  wooden 
kitchen  utensils  cause  much  merriment  when  presented  as 
gifts,  and  the  occasion  is  generally  one  of  much  pleasant 
raillery.  Wooden  ornaments  make  very  appropriate  gifts 
for  this  wedding,  and  a  bit  of  wood  artistically  carved  is 
always  welcome  to  the  five-year  bride  who  loves  pretty 
things  for  the  home. 

THE    GOLDEN    WEDDING 

To  have  lived  fifty  years  together,  to  have  shared  for 
fifty  years  each  other's  sorrows,  joys  and  hopes,  is  to  have 
enjoyed  one  of  the  greatest  gifts  life  has  to  offer.  It  is  an 
occasion  well  worthy  of  the  most  elaborate  celebration. 

A  golden  wedding  has  a  touch  of  the  romantic,  a  touch 
of  the  sentimental  about  it.  Poets  like  to  write  about  it; 
people  like  to  dream  about  it.  When  it  becomes  a  reality, 
all  the  world  likes  to  watch — and  wonder.  It  is  a  solemn 
and  dignified  event  and  should  be  treated  as  an  occasion 
of  the  utmost  importance. 

The  couple  should  issue  pure  white  cards  engraved  in 
gold,  announcing  the  celebration  of  the  fiftieth  anniversary 
of  their  wedding  day.  It  is  touching  to  have  the  maid  of 
honor  and  the  best  man  present,  if  they  are  both  still 
living.    As  many  of  the  original  bridal  attendants  as  ar* 


WEDDINGS  n 

available  should  be  invited,  and  all  the  old  friends  and 
acquaintances  of  the  family.  There  must  be  no  levity, 
the  couple  must  be  treated  with  reverence  and  honor, 
and  the  occasion  must  be  given  every  appearance  of  digni- 
fied importance. 

Unlike  the  silver  wedding,  gifts  are  always  presented  to 
the  aged  couple  at  the  golden  wedding.  Delicate  pieces  of 
gold  jewelry  are  always  pleasing  to  the  "bride."  The 
*'groom"  may  be  presented  with  gold  shirt-studs,  cuff- 
links or  rings.  Gold  services,  gold  chased  cups,  golden 
goblets  and  golden  candle  sticks  are  most  appropriate. 

The  dinner  should  be  elaborate.  A  huge  wedding  cake, 
inscribed  with  a  frosting  of  the  surnames  and  wedding 
date  of  the  couple  is  worthy  of  holding  the  place  of  honor 
in  the  center  of  the  table.  Once  again  the  "bride"  enjoys 
the  privilege  of  being  the  first  to  cut  the  cake — and  in  or 
with  each  slice  that  is  given  to  the  guests  there  should  be 
some  little  golden  token,  a  ring  or  thimble  or  tiny  jewel 
box.  If  this  is  too  costl}'^,  a  golden  flower  such  as  a  daffo- 
dil may  be  placed  on  each  plate. 

A  beautiful  and  touching  sentiment  to  be  observed  on 
the  golden  wedding  is  for  the  bride  to  wear  something 
from  her  wedding  day.  Perhaps  it  is  a  treasured  bit  of 
the  bridal  veil.  Perhaps  it  is  a  fan,  or  a  pair  of  gloves, 
or  even  the  wedding  dress  itself.  She  also  carries  a  bou- 
quet of  white  flowers — as  she  did  fifty  years  ago  on  her 
first  wedding  day. 

THE    GOLDEN    WEDDING    A    GLOEIOUS    ACHIEVEMENT 

Beautiful  indeed  is  the  celebration  of  the  golden 
wedding.  With  her  children  and  grandchildren  and 
friends  grouped  around  her,  with  her  husband  at  her  side. 


72  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

doing  her  every  honor  he  might  pay  a  newly-won  bride, 
the  bride  of  fifty  years  can  be  naught  but  inexpressibly 
happy — though  memories  of  lost  youth  rise  constantly 
to  haunt  her.  It  is  glorious — this  reaching  fifty  years  of 
married  life — and  any  couple  may  well  be  proud  to  com- 
memorate its  occasion. 

And,  after  all,  isn't  it  happiness  that  makes  life  worth 
while?  Of  what  use  is  wealth  and  power  and  position  if 
we  cannot  have  the  ones  we  love,  the  ones  who  love  us. 
The  man  and  woman  who  have  lived  together  in  happy 
companionship  for  fifty  years  have  more  in  their  love  of 
each  other  than  the  man  who  has  lived  alone  for  fifty 
years  and  amassed  tremendous  riches. 


CHAPTER  VI 
THE  BRIDE'S  OUTFIT 

OEIGIN    OF    THE    TEOUSSEAIT 

One  must  study  the  marriage  customs  of  many  countries 
before  the  development  of  the  trousseau  idea  can  be  fully 
traced.  But  it  is  interesting — especially  to  the  bride — to 
discover  that  at  her  impressive  marriage  ceremony  to-day 
she  is  merely  repeating  the  ancient  customs  of  her  ances- 
tors, so  very  far  back  that  Europe  itself  was  not  yet 
known. 

We  find  the  first  trace  of  it  in  the  book  of  Genesis  (Gen. 
xxiv.  53).  Perhaps  you  remember  the  story.  Abraham's 
servant  Eliezer  brought  handsome  jewels  to  Rebecca  as  a 
seal  to  the  marriage  compact.  It  is  one  of  the  earliest 
evidences  of  outfitting  for  the  wedding.  And  then  we 
find  a  trace  of  it  among  the  early  Eskimos,  where  the 
bridegroom  must  supply  his  bride  with  all  the  clothes 
necessary  for  the  "honeymoon."  Later,  in  Roumania, 
we  find  the  clothes  and  slioes  are  a  very  important  part 
of  the  gifts  to  the  bride.  Largely  from  the  customs  prac- 
ticed in  this  latter  country,  but  also  from  Italy,  Sweden, 
and  Greece,  the  idea  of  the  marriage  trousseau  sprang. 

The  development  is  most  marked  in  Roumania.  Here 
we  find  the  tiniest  girls,  some  of  them  as  young  as  five 
years,  working  on  bridal  finery — each  one  striving  to 
outdo  the  other  in  beauty  and  elaboration  of  work.    Each 

73 


74  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

finished  article  is  laid  carefvilly  away  in  a  huge  chest, 
until  such  time  as  a  suitor  appears.  In  days  gone  by,  the 
bridegroom  had  the  privilege  of  examining  the  trousseau 
and  deciding  whether  or  not  it  was  complete,  and  often  his 
choice  rested  upon  the  worth  of  the  bride's  outfit. 

Perhaps  it  was  because  a  complete  outfit  was  so  very 
necessary  to  the  young  girl  starting  out  upon  her  new 
duties  as  a  wife  that  the  development  of  the  trousseau  has 
been  so  rapid.  In  the  year  1308,  at  the  wedding  of  Ed- 
ward II  to  Isabella  of  France,  the  trousseau  played  an 
important  part  indeed.  Here  is  a  description  of  the  bride's 
outfit,  as  taken  from  E.  L.  Urlin's  book,  "A  Short  History 
of  Marriage:" 

"She  (Isabella)  brought  two  gold  crowns  orna- 
mented with  gems,  gold  and  silver  drinking  vessels, 
golden  spoons  and  fifty  silver  plates.  Her  dresses 
were  made  of  gold  and  silver  stuff,  velvet  and  taffetas. 
She  had  six  dresses  of  green  cloth,  six  of  rose  scarlet 
and  many  costly  furs.  For  linen  she  had  419  yards, 
and  the  tapestries  for  her  chamber  were  elaborate 
with  the  arms  of  England  and  France  woven  in 
gold." 

Elaborate,  yes,  and  certainly  "fit  for  a  queen."  But 
perhaps  we  will  find  the  trousseaux  of  our  misses  of  the 
twentieth  century  more  interesting! 

THE    TEOUSSEAIT    OF    TO-DAY 

It  would  be  ridiculous  to  attempt  to  list  the  articles 
that  must  be  included  in  the  trousseau  of  the  bride  of 
to-day.     This  matter  must  be  entirely  dependent  upon 


p 


THE  BRIDE'S  OUTFIT  76 


circumstances,  means  and  convenience.  There  can  be 
no  definite  set  of  rules  to  govern  the  contents  of  one's 
wedding  outfit.  But  there  are  certain  conventionalities 
we  can  discuss  that  may  be  of  value  to  the  bride  in  pre- 
paring for  her  wedding. 

There  is,  of  course,  something  very  beautiful  in  the 
thought  of  making  one's  trousseau  entirely  by  hand. 
And  there  is  an  old  tradition  about  "sewing  happiness 
into  the  wedding  outfit"  that  brides  like  to  believe.  But 
when  we  glance  at  the  shop  windows  with  their  lavish  dis- 
plays of  the  daintiest  creations,  and  when  we  think  of  the 
professional  modiste  with  her  developed  sense  of  the  ar- 
tistic, we  must  admit  that  it  is  not  a  practical  custom. 

It  used  to  be  the  practice  for  each  young  girl  to  have 
a  "hope  chest"  into  which  she  put  linens,  etc.,  against  the 
wedding  day.  This  was  during  the  time  when  most  of  the 
trousseaux  were  made  by  hand. 

It  seems  rather  a  foolish  waste  of  time  for  the  girl  of 
moderate  means  to  sit  for  endless  hours  sewing  on  rows 
and  rows  of  lace  when  machine  made  garments  may  be 
had  at  reasonable  figures.  If  she  chooses  her  things  care- 
fully they  will  bear  the  stamp  of  her  personality  almost  as 
much  as  if  she  had  fashioned  them  herself ;  and,  of  course, 
there  are  many  finishing  touches  that  she  can  add  which 
will  make  the  things  peculiarly  her  own,  such  as  initials 
and  monograms,  crocheted  edges,  etc. 

It  is  gratifying  to  note  that  the  trousseau  of  to-day 
does  not  contain  such  frilly,  useless  things  as  did  the 
trousseaux  of  our  grandmothers'  time.  Linens  boast  deep 
folds  of  the  material  and  neat  hemstitching  instead  of  huge 
borders  and  inserts  of  lace.  Underthings  are  made  and 
bought  with  a  regard  for  wear  and  utility,  rather  than 
merely  to  be  pretty  to  look  at.    The  entire  outfit  shows  a 


76  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

tendency  to  be  more  useful  and  less  ornamental.     Wliich 
is,  of  course,  as  it  should  be. 

And  now  let  us  consider  some  of  the  more  important 
items  to  be  included. 

ABOUT    THE    LINENS 

In  selecting  her  linens  the  bride  should  pay  particular 
attention  to  quality;  the  amount  she  buys  depends  upon 
the  size  of  the  new  home,  and  upon  the  means  at  her  com- 
mand.  There  must  be  sheets  and  pillow-cases;  bath 
towels  and  kitchen  towels,  napkins  and  table-covers.  If 
she  is  fond  of  handwork,  there  may  be  hand-embroidered 
linens  for  the  bed-spreads,  hand-embroidered  linen  scarfs 
and  hand-embroidered  centerpieces  of  linen.  One  bride  we 
know  included  a  twenty-yard  bolster  of  uncut  linen  in  her 
trousseau  in  addition  to  the  items  mentioned  above.  If 
one  can  afford  it,  it  is  best  to  start  out  with  a  generous 
supply  of  linens,  as  somehow  the  older  they  grow,  the 
longer  we  have  them,  the  more  precious  they  become. 

Linens  are  usually  initialed.  When  household  and  per- 
sonal linens  are  marked,  they  bear  the  initials  of  the 
bride^s  maiden  name.  Towels  for  the  bath  are  marked 
with  a  single  initial  in  white  or  colored  thread,  to  match 
the  border.  Table-covers,  if  initialed  at  all,  have  the  let- 
ters placed  in  the  center,  half-way  between  the  middle 
and  edge  of  the  table;  napkins  are  initialed  in  the  comer. 
White  linens  are  invariably  initialed  in  white. 

FOB,    THE    BBn)£ 

"Girl,  do  not  exult  in  thy  wedding  dress ;  see  how  much 
trouble  lurks  behind  it,"  says  an  old  Syrian  proverb.    But 


THE  BRIDE'S  OUTFIT  77 

where  is  the  little  American  bride  who  does  not  exult  in 
her  dainty  wedding  things — who  does  not  glory  in  the 
silks  and  cottons  and  laces  and  ribbons  of  her  trousseau? 
Always  a  lover  of  the  beautiful — especially  in  clothes — 
she  finds  a  new  charm  in  these  pretty  things  that  portend 
so  much  happiness  to  come. 

There  are  her  underthings — soft,  frivolous,  much-be- 
ribboned  chemises,  camisoles  and  petticoats.  Some  are  of 
practical  muslin  or  soft,  crinkly  crepe.  Others  are  of 
rich  crepe-de-chine,  and  lately,  knitted  undergarments  of 
silk  are  favored.  Then,  there  are  the  dresses,  her  chief 
delight.  There  is  one  smart  street  dress  of  serge  or  poiret 
twill;  an  afternoon  frock  or  two  of  taffeta,  georgette  or 
satin  as  she  prefers ;  one  elaborate  evening  gown  for  im- 
portant occasions,  and  one  very  much  less  elaborate  for 
semi-evening  affairs.  And  if  she  is  a  wise  bride,  she  will 
include  a  smart  dark-colored  suit,  with  several  fluffy  little 
blouses.  Then,  of  course,  there  are  the  crisp,  neat,  be- 
coming little  frocks  for  the  morning-at-home.  But  she 
should  not  make  the  mistake,  which  is  all  too  common  to 
brides,  of  getting  several  times  as  much  as  she  needs. 

Other  details,  such  as  hose,  shoes  and  hats  are  best  de- 
cided by  the  bride  herself.  In  fact,  the  entire  trousseau 
must  be  determined  by  the  bride  in  proportion  to  such 
important  considerations  as  her  means,  the  length  of  the 
honeymoon,  and  the  distance  of  the  trip  she  expects  to 
make.  The  items  above  were  offered  as  a  suggestion,  and 
one  may  add  or  detract  according  to  the  dictates  of  com- 
mon sense.  It  is  suggested,  however,  that  the  trousseau 
be  small  and  carefully  selected,  rather  than  large  and 
expensive,  for  the  fashions  are  constantly  changing  and 
not  even  so  momentous  an  occasion  as  one's  wedding 
warrants  heedless  extravagance. 


78  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

THE    WEDDING    DKESS 

The  origin  of  the  white  gown  f  •r  the  bride  is  not  very 
difficult  to  trace.  White,  since  time  immemorial,  has  been 
the  color  used  to  denote  purity.  White  animals,  in  cer- 
tain countries,  are  held  sacred,  just  as  the  white  flowers 
are  sacred  elsewhere.  The  exclusive  use  of  white  for  the 
bride  is  supposed  to  have  grown  out  of  an  old  custom  of 
the  Patagonians,  who  cover  the  body  with  white  paint  on 
the  eve  of  the  wedding  ceremony. 

To-day  the  keynote  of  the  wedding  gown  is  simplicity. 
The  days  of  elaborate  gowns  with  trains  so  heavy  with  the 
weight  of  precious  jewels  that  eight  girls  had  to  carry 
them,  is  over.  The  sensible  American  bride  knows  that 
simplicity  is  more  becoming  to  the  solemn  dignity  of  the 
occasion  than  extremely  elaborate  dress. 

With  styles  constantly  changing  as  they  do,  it  would  be 
of  no  value  to  offer  any  descriptions  here.  However,  this 
little  item,  taken  from  the  announcement  of  a  fashionable 
wedding  recently  held,  may  offer  some  helpful  suggestions : 

"The  gown  in  which  Miss became  the  Countess 

was  of  heavy  white  satin  cut  with  an  almost 

austere  simplicity.  The  drapery  of  the  skirt  was  marked 
with  a  garland  of  lilies  and  orange-blossoms.  The  tulle 
veil  was  bordered  with  old  English  point  lace,  an  heirloom 
of  the family." 

From  a  study  of  the  descriptions  of  other  bridal  gowns 
at  recent  important  weddings,  we  find  that  satin  is  without 
doubt  the  favorite  material.  Crepe-de-chine  and  heavy 
white  brocade  are  also  used;  and  the  bride  may  select 
whichever  material  she  likes  best,  something  soft  and 
clinging  unless  she  is  inclined  to  be  too  slender,  when 


THE  BRIDE'S  OUTFIT  79 

taffeta  is  more  suitable.  Undoubtedly,  no  matter  what 
the  style  of  the  gown  happens  to  be,  it  should  boast  a 
train;  and  a  draped  skirt  is  always  a  popular  wedding* 
mode.  The  length  of  the  sleeves  and  skirt  is  entirely  gov- 
erned by  the  fashion  of  the  moment. 

White  satin  slippers  and  white  gloves  enhance  the  simple 
beauty  of  the  wedding  gown.  Jewels  are  rarely  worn, 
except,  perhaps,  one  large  gem — a  gift  of  the  groom. 

THE    bride's    veil 

According  to  the  marriage  rites  of  the  ancient  Hebrews, 
ordained  in  days  when  marriage  itself  was  unknown  in 
many  countries,  a  canopy  must  be  held  over  the  bride 
and  groom  by  four  intimate  friends  of  the  family.  Later, 
we  find  that  this  custom  among  the  early  Hebrews, 
presaged  an  Anglo-Saxon  custom  of  erecting  a  **care 
cloth"  (a  square  vestment)  above  the  bride  and  groom. 
Out  of  this  developed  that  of  covering  the  bride  alone; 
to-day  the  beautiful  bridal  veil  is  the  result  of  those 
ancient  customs. 

Not  so  long  ago,  the  veil  was  of  tulle,  and  from  the  top 
of  the  bride's  head  it  fell  over  her  shoulders,  completely 
enveloping  her  to  the  very  tips  of  her  shoes.  This  all- 
enveloping  veil  is  no  longer  considered  good  form.  In  its 
place,  is  the  very  charming  veil  that  is  gathered  into  a 
becoming,  flower-trimmed  crown  at  the  back  of  her  head, 
falling  gracefully  to  the  train  of  the  dress,  leaving  the 
face  entirely  uncovered. 

The  veil  is  always  of  filmy  material.  Tulle  is  favored ; 
and  lace  is  particularly  beautiful,  especially  if  it  is  old 
lace  that  has  been  a  long  time  in  the  bride's  family.  How- 
ever, tulle  is  preferable  to  imitation  lace.    Orange  blossoms 


80  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

or  tiny  lilies-of-the-valley  may  be  entwined  around  the 
crown  of  the  head,  a  spray  or  two  nestling  in  the  folds  of 
the  veil. 

WEDDING    FLOWERS 

Important,  indeed,  is  the  bride's  bouquet.  Many  a 
delicate  flower  pressed  between  the  leaves  of  a  book  and 
clierished  in  mind  and  heart  alike  is  silent  and  eloquent 
proof  of  this  fact. 

The  most  conventional  form  is  the  shower  bouquet. 
This  is  a  veritable  cascade  of  flowers  and  ribbon;  white 
roses,  orange-blossoms  or  lilies-of-the-valley — or  a  com- 
bination of  all  three — are  massed  together  in  the  center, 
entwined  with  narrow  satin  ribbon.  From  this  "heart  of 
flowers'*  lengths  of  ribbon  wound  around  individual  flow- 
ers trail  almost  to  the  hem  of  the  bride's  gown.  It  pro- 
duces a  most  charming  effect. 

Often  an  ordinary  bouquet  of  flowers  is  carried,  which 
is  just  as  pretty  if  not  as  elaborate  as  the  shower  bouquet. 
Green  foliage  is,  of  course,  permissible;  but  there  is  a 
tendency  against  flowers  of  bright  hues.  Appearing  en- 
tirely in  white,  is  one  of  the  customs  which,  ordinarily,  the 
bride  should  observe,  not  only  for  the  traditions  woven 
around  it,  but  the  suggestions  of  sweet  dignity,  purity  and 
girlishness  that  are  associated  with  it.  Lilies  are  appeal- 
ing bridal  flowers  for  this  same  reason. 

An  exception  is  the  civil  wedding,  or  the  hurried,  simple 
wedding  when  the  bride  is  attired  in  traveling  costume. 
But  this  will  be  taken  up  in  detail  in  a  later  paragraph. 

DBESS    OF    THE    MAID    OF    HONOE 

Satin  is  the  most  favored  material  for  the  dress  of  the 
maid  of  honor.     It  may  be  white,  trimmed  with  pale 


THE  BRIDE'S  OUTFIT  81 

colors,  or  it  may  be  entirely  pale  pink  or  pale  blue  or 
some  other  becoming  color.  On  no  occasion  may  the  maid 
of  honor  be  dressed  in  pure  white. 

Her  dress  is  alwaj^s  different  from  those  worn  by  the 
bridesmaids.  The  style  is  a  matter  of  taste  and  prevalent 
fashion.  If  the  wedding  talces  place  at  noon  in  a  church, 
the  gown  is  either  sleeveless  or  with  very  short  sleeves, 
and  it  may  or  may  not  have  a  train,  according  to  the 
taste  of  the  wearer.  Like  the  bride,  she  wears  white 
gloves  and  carries  flowers. 

If  the  wedding  is  held  in  the  afternoon  or  evening,  at 
home,  the  maid  of  honor's  gown  is  less  formal.  It  may  be 
a  dainty  afternoon  frock  of  taffeta  or  satin,  sometimes 
embroidered  georgette  dresses  are  worn — that  is,  for  the 
afternoon  alone.  When  it  is  in  the  evening,  a  silk  gown 
may  be  worn. 


MARRYING    IN    TRAVELING    DRESS 

Very  often,  when  a  wedding  takes  place  before  twelve 
-o'clock,  or  when  because  of  a  difference  of  religious  opinion 
the  ceremony  is  performed  by  a  Justice  of  the  Peace,  or 
•when  the  wedding  is  to  be  a  very  simple  one,  or  when 
for  a  number  of  other  possible  reasons  the  bride  \vishes  it 
she  wears  a  smart  traveling  suit  instead  of  the  white 
wedding  gown. 

The  suit  should  be  conseri^ative  in  style  and  color. 
Flowers  should  be  in  the  form  of  a  corsage.  Neither  bou- 
quets nor  cut  flowers  are  carried  when  one  is  in  traveling 
costume.  Instead  of  a  suit  a  dress  may  be  worn  but  it 
must  be  an  attractive  afternoon  frock  or  street  dress,  not 
an  evening  dress  of  any  sort 


82  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

When  the  bride  is  a  widow  marrying  for  the  second 
time  her  dress  is  characterized  by  extreme  simplicity 
whether  the  wedding  takes  place  in  the  afternoon  or 
evening. 


CHAPTER  Vn 
FUNERALS 

FUNEEAIi    CUSTOMS 

There  is  no  more  eloquent  commentary  on  the  vanity  of 
human  wishes  than  the  pomp  and  ceremony  which,  since 
the  first  syllable  of  recorded  time  have  attended  funeral 
services.  Kings  and  emperors  have  erected  splendid  maus- 
olems  in  which  they  and  their  families  might  be  buried, 
Pharaohs  have  kept  slaves  at  work  for  twenty  years  on  a 
pyramid  beneath  whose  stones  their  bones  might  rest, 
savages  in  lonely  forests  have  builded  great  mounds  under 
which  their  chiefs  may  wait  for  the  time  to  go  to  the 
Happy  Hunting  grounds.  Slave  and  emperor,  prince 
and  pauper — it  is  all  the  same.  Last  week  in  New  York 
a  woman  died  in  the  ward  where  they  treat  patients  free 
of  ^harge,  yet  for  more  than  fifteen  years  she  had  been 
paying  premiums  on  an  insurance  policy  which  would 
permit  her  to  have  a  funeral  "as  good  as  anybody's 
funeral."  Three  weeks  ago  a  boy  in  a  small  town  in 
Iowa  spent  nearly  all  he  had  in  defraying  the  expenses  of 
the  funeral  of  his  mother.  In  this  case,  and  indeed  in 
many  another,  a  simple  ceremony  would  have  been  far 
more  appropriate,  for  even  in  paying  the  last  tributes 
of  respect  to  the  dead  there  must  be  the  saving  grace  of 
common  sense.  It  is  like  salt — everything  is  the  better 
for  a  pinch  of  it. 

83 


S4<  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Recently  a  candidate  for  the  Doctor's  degree  at  one  of 
the  largest  universities  in  the  country  chose  for  the  sub- 
ject of  liis  thesis  "Funeral  Customs  throughout  the  Ages." 
It  is  too  large  a  subject  for  us  to  enter  into  here,  and  it 
would  profit  us  little,  for  the  day  of  hired  mourners  and 
splendid  pageantry  together  with  obtrusive  music  and 
gorgeous  flowers  is  past.  Simplicity  characterizes  the 
entire  service  among  well-bred  people  everywhere.  The 
music  is  soft  and  the  flowers  in  many  cases  are  sent  to  the 
hospitals  where  they  may  gladden  the  suiferers  there  in- 
stead of  being  allowed  to  wilt  neglected  on  the  grave. 
More  often  than  not,  nowadays,  there  is  added  to  the 
notice  of  the  funeral  which  is  inserted  in  the  newspapers 
the  sentence,  **Please  omit  flowers." 

Even  in  the  most  primitive  times  it  was  felt  that  the 
dead  were  going  forth  on  a  long,  long  journey  from  which 
they  would  never  return,  and  their  friends  wanted  to  do 
whatever  they  could  to  speed  them  along  the  way.  It  was 
in  this  manner  that  the  custom  of  offering  gifts  to  the 
dead  came  about.  These  gifts  range  all  the  way  from 
food  and  household  utensils  to  clothing,  weapons  and 
money.  The  money  was  sometimes  gold,  sometimes  silver 
and  sometimes  paper,  but  in  most  instances  it  was  to  serve 
as  a  tip  to  the  ferryman  who  was  to  row  them  across 
the  river  that  separates  this  life  from  the  next. 

THE    FUNEEAIi    OF    TO-DAT 

Not  long  ago  a  New  York  newspaper  devoted  a  full 
page  in  its  magazine  section  to  an  article  called  "A  King's 
Mother  Buried."  The  purpose  of  the  article  was  to  reveal 
forcibly  the  mockery  of  some  of  our  elaborate  funerals 
of  to-day,  and  show  how  they  are  proportionately  no  more 


FUNERALS  85 

civilized  than  those  barbarous  rituals  of  the  early  days. 
The  story  is  worthy  of  repetition  here. 

A  certain  savage  queen  was  murdered  by  her  son.  To 
convince  the  people  that  she  had  died  a  natural  death, 
the  son  made  her  burial  especially  elaborate  and  im- 
pressive. First  a  huge  hole  was  dug  in  the  ground,  in 
which  the  dead  queen  was  placed  in  an  upright  position. 
Beside  her  was  placed  a  large  jug  of  water.  And  into 
this  great  hole  were  placed  also  ten  young  girls,  who  were 
to  be  buried  alive  to  accompany  the  dead  queen  upon  her 
journey.  The  hole  was  then  covered  with  earth,  and  above 
it  thousands  of  men  were  set  to  fighting  each  other  until 
the  ground  was  soaked  with  blood.  This  was  not  only  to 
honor  the  dead  queen,  but  to  keep  ill-luck  away  from  the 
king. 

You  are  horrified  when  you  read  about  this  savage 
burial.  You  wonder  at  the  superstitious  ignorance  that 
allows  ten  girls  to  be  buried  alive,  and  thousands  of 
3'oung  men  to  be  slaughtered,  merely  in  honor  of  a  mur- 
dered queen  and  her  brutal  son.  But  considering  the 
knowledge  of  those  savages  and  our  knowledge  to-day, 
their  education  and  our  education,  we  find  that  we  are 
entitled  to  no  excessive  praise.  The  funerals  to-day  are 
often  comparatively  as  ridiculous  and  uncivilized,  though 
the  tendency  is  certainly  toward  better  things. 

To  give  one  specific  instance,  there  is  the  widow  who 
spends  every  dollar  left  her  by  a  departed  husband  to 
pay  for  an  elaborate  funeral  for  him.  In  the  eyes  of  the 
world,  he  must  be  buried  "right" ;  and  though  it  leave  her 
in  debt,  she  makes  an  impressive  funeral  service.  Would  it 
not  have  been  more  sensible  to  bury  him  simply  and  unos- 
tentatiously, preserving  a  little  of  the  money  left  her  for 
the  necessities  of  life?    It  is  one  of  the  ironies  of  life  that 


86  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

often  more  attention  and  honor  are  paid  to  the  dead  than 
they  ever  receive  in  life. 

If  we  study  present-day  funerals  carefully  we  will  find 
that  they  have  much  in  common  with  those  savage  burials 
of  other  days.  It  is  because  we  do  things  merely  because 
others  did  the  same  things  before  us.  We  have  certain 
beliefs  because  tradition  says  they  are  true,  and  therefore, 
no  matter  how  absurd  they  are,  they  are  right,  and  we 
must  hold  to  them  with  the  same  fervor  of  conviction  that 
makes  the  savage  cling  to  his. 

WHEN    DEATH    ENTEES    THE    FAMILT 

Aside  from  its  psychological  aspects — those  entailing 
fear,  superstition  and  the  belief  in  religious  and  traditional 
customs — death  brings  with  it  heartache  and  sorrow.  To 
lose  a  beloved  one  in  death  is  to  be  conscious  of  the  in- 
tangible something  that  binds  the  world  together,  and 
upon  which  all  civilization  is  based.  We  call  it  love; 
and  we  know  that  it  is  the  deepest  tie  of  affection — in- 
deed, the  deepest  emotion — of  which  human  nature  is 
capable. 

And  so,  death  brings  with  it  sorrow  and  misery.  Those 
of  us  who  are  most  directly  concerned  can  think  of  no 
rules  of  etiquette,  no  customs  of  good  society,  when  we 
are  suffering  a  deep  bereavement.  We  think  only  of  our 
great  loss,  and  of  our  great  sorrow.  That  is  why  it  is 
necessary  for  us  all  to  know  the  rules  of  correct  conduct, 
so  that  when  death  does  enter  our  household  we  will  in* 
stinctively  do  what  is  correct.  It  is  a  test  like  this  that 
shows  innate  good  breeding. 

One  great  rule  to  remember,  for  those  who  come  in 
contact  with  people  who  have  lost  a  beloved  member  of 


FUNERALS  87 

the  family,  is  that  sorrow  is  sacred,  and  that  it  is  one  of 
the  most  unforgivable  breaches  of  good  behavior  to  in- 
trude upon  it.  A  note  of  condolence,  or  a  brief  visit  is  a 
necessary  social  duty;  but  constant  intrusion  upon  grief 
is  as  unkind  and  inconsiderate  as  it  is  ill-bred. 

TAKING    CHARGE 

The  world  over,  funeral  customs  have  one  factor  in 
common :  the  belief  that  the  dead  man  has  not  ceased  to 
live.  This  belief  finds  expression  in  rites  and  ceremonies. 
It  is  for  this  reason  that  funeral  and  mourning  practices 
are  highly  conventional.  Another  reason,  perhaps,  is 
because  death  is  a  shock,  and  a  round  of  conventional 
ceremonies  alleviates  that  strained  feeling  during  the 
period  of  readjustment. 

Thus,  the  members  of  the  bereaved  family  should  be  left 
as  nearly  alone  to  their  grief  as  possible.  Nothing  in 
the  nature  of  business  should  be  thrust  upon  them.  A 
male  member  of  the  family  should  take  complete  charge; 
or  the  immediate  duties  may  be  left  in  the  hands  of  the 
nearest  outside  relatives.  But  whoever  does  take  charge 
should  see  that  the  family  is  not  troubled  with  the  minor 
details,  and  that  the  funeral  ceremony  is  carried  out  ac- 
cording to  the  family's  pre-confided  wishes. 

The  duties  of  the  person,  or  persons,  who  take  charge 
are  many  and  varied.  The  first  duty  is  to  see  that  all 
the  blinds  are  drawn  and  that  the  door-bell  is  muffled. 
Proper  announcements  must  be  made  in  the  newspapers, 
paU-bearers  must  be  selected,  and  the  arrangements  must 
be  made  with  the  sexton  for  the  funeral  itself.  The  clergy- 
man who  is  to  officiate  must  be  interviewed  and  all  the 
details  concerning  services,  music  and  decorations  of  the 


88  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

church  must  be  determined.  Upon  the  person  in  charge 
also  rests  the  duty  of  seeing  that  the  undertaker  does 
not  take  advantage  of  his  authority  to  the  extent  of 
making  the  funeral  unduly  lavish. 

It  is  within  the  power  of  the  person  who  takes  charge 
at  a  funeral  to  mitigate  considerably  the  grief  of  the 
family.  And  it  is  a  service  that  the  family  will  not  soon 
forget. 

ANNOUNCING    THE    DEATH 

Modem  funeral  customs  demand  a  few  lines  in  the  news- 
papers making  public  announcement  of  a  death.  At- 
tendant ceremonies  are  also  included  for  the  benefit  of 
friends  and  acquaintances  of  the  family.  Following  is  a 
typical  announcement  of  a  death,  copied  with  only  a 
change  in  names  from  the  newspaper: 

Radcliff — ^At  her  residence,  410  West  Fiftieth 
Street,  Rose  Speyer  Radcliff,  daughter  of  James 
and  Helen  Wilson  Speyer,  and  beloved  wife 
of  Robert  L.  Radcliff.  Funeral  services  in  the 
Chapel  of  St.  Bartholomew's  Church,  Park  Ave- 
nue and  Fiftieth  Street,  New  York  City,  on  Sat- 
urday morning,  11  o'clock.  Interment  at 
Waterbury,  Conn. 

When  an  announcement  of  this  kind  appears  in  the 
newspapers  all  friends  and  relatives  of  the  family  are 
expected  to  appear  at  St.  Bartholomew's  Church  on  Sat- 
urday morning  at  11  o'clock  to  attend  the  services.  If 
the  words  "Funeral  private"  or  **Interment  private"  are 
added  to  the  announcement,  it  is  the  height  of  ill-breeding 


1^    fnr 


FUNERALS  89 


for  any  except  very  intimate  friends  and  relatives  to  be 
present.  Very  often  the  request  "Kindly  omit  flowers,"  or 
"Please  omit  flowers"  is  added  to  the  announcement  cf  a 
death.  In  this  event  it  is  still  the  privilege  of  a  friend  to 
send  flowers  to  some  member  of  the  family  or  to  the  family 
as  a  whole  after  the  funeral  ceremony  has  taken  place. 

SOME    NECESSARY    PREPARATIONS 

Where  there  are  servants,  one  should  be  stationed  at  the 
door  to  receive  cards  and  messages.  Otherwise  this  duty 
devolves  upon  the  person  who  is  taking  charge.  The 
servant  should  wear  a  black  gown,  white  collar  and  cuffs 
and  a  white  apron  and  white  cap  with  black  ribbons.  If  a 
man-servant  is  stationed  at  the  door  he  wears  a  complete 
black  livery. 

With  the  growing  taste  for  privacy  and  simplicity, 
many  of  the  foolish  demonstrations  of  grief,  expressed  in 
outward  display,  have  been  eliminated.  It  is  now  a  very 
rare  occurrence  for  the  room  in  which  the  dead  body  lies 
to  be  filled  with  wreaths  and  masses  of  flowers,  for  people 
are  beginning  to  realize  that  this  is  a  relic  of  ancient 
and  savage  burial  customs,  and  that  it  is  not  so  much  a 
manifestation  of  grief  as  a  display  of  vanity.  Of  course 
it  is  a  pretty  way  of  expressing  sentiment  to  send  a 
floral  offering  to  some  one  who  has  died ;  but  modern  prin- 
ciples of  good  conduct  acclaim  it  better  taste,  and  cer- 
tainly more  dignified,  to  express  these  sentiments  of  regard 
in  some  other  way.  A  short  expression  of  sorrow  appear- 
ing as  a  semi-public  announcement  In  the  newspaper  after 
the  announcement  of  the  death  may  be  offered  by  a  group 
of  friends  or  business  associates  but  It  Is  not  good  form  for 
a  member  of  the  family  of  the  deceased  to  insert  such  an 


90  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

announcement  in  the  papers.     Family  grief  is  private; 
and  publicity  cheapens  it. 

The  somber  crepe  announcing  to  the  worid  that  a  death 
has  occurred  in  the  family  is  also  fast  becoming  a  thing 
of  the  past.  One  can  easily  see  in  this  custom  of  crepe- 
hanging  a  relic  of  that  custom  of  ancient  Patagonia  that 
required  all  belongings  of  the  deceased  to  be  painted  black. 
Even  the  body  of  the  person  who  died  was  covered  with 
black  paint.  The  black  crepe  of  to-day  is  merely  another 
form  of  that  same  custom.  Now,  instead  of  the  broad 
black  ribbon,  a  wreath  or  long  sprays  of  white  or  lilac 
flowers  are  entwined  around  the  flowing  ends  of  white 
ribbon.  This  is  especially  appropriate  when  the  deceased 
is  a  young  person — man  or  woman.  For  a  girl  of  tender 
years,  or  for  a  very  young  child,  a  sheaf  of  white  roses 
or  white  carnations  with  white  ribbons  should  be  used; 
roses  and  violets  with  a  white  ribbon,  or  roses  with  a 
black  ribbon  denote  the  death  of  an  older  unmarried  man 
or  woman.  The  plain  crepe  streamers  are  usually  used 
for  married  people.  Custom  still  demands  this  flower-and' 
ribbon  tribute  to  the  dead  on  the  door  of  his  or  her  resi- 
dence, but  gradually  this  custom,  too,  will  be  relegated  to 
the  forgotten  things  of  the  past. 

THE    I^ADIES    OF    THE    FAMILY 

A  close  friend  or  relative  of  the  bereaved  family  should 
make  the  necessary  purchases  for  the  women  members  of 
that  family.  It  is  considered  bad  form  for  them  to  be 
seen  abroad  before  the  funeral.  A  dressmaker  should  be 
summoned  to  the  house  if  orders  are  to  be  given  for  mourn- 
ing dress. 

The  duty  of  writing  necessary  notes  and  seeing  callers 


FUNERALS  91 

also  devolves  upon  some  intimate  relative  or  friend. 
Notes  or  letters  written  in  the  name  of  the  family  are  on 
either  black-edged  or  plain  white  paper,  and  signed  with 
the  names  of  the  people  for  whom  they  are  written.  Thus, 
if  Mrs.  Carr*s  husband  has  died,  and  her  cousin  is  attend- 
ing to  the  incident  preparations  and  duties,  the  notes 
and  letters  written  for  Mrs.  Carr  would  be  signed  with 
her  name  and  not  the  name  of  the  cousin,  but  with  the 
initials  of  the  cousin  beneath  the  signature. 

The  ladies  of  a  bereaved  family  should  not  see  callers, 
even  the  most  intimate  friends,  unless  they  are  able  to 
control  their  grief.  It  is  a  source  of  discomfort  to  the 
visitor,  as  well  as  to  the  mourner,  to  enact  a  scene  of 
semi-nysteria  in  the  drawing-room.  Yet,  at  a  time  like 
this,  one  can  hardly  be  expected  to  be  in  full  control  of 
one's  emotions.  Therefore  it  is  always  wise  for  the 
women  to  keep  to  their  rooms  until  after  the  funeral. 

THE    PALIi-BEAREES 

If  a  guard  of  honor  is  to  be  appointed,  the  person  in 
charge  should  consult  the  wishes  of  the  immediate  family. 
Those  who  are  asked  to  serve  receive  an  invitation  by 
note  or  by  messenger,  sent  either  by  the  head  of  the 
family  of  the  deceased  or  by  the  person  in  charge.  Rela- 
tives are  seldom  appointed  as  pall-bearers.  A  request  to 
serve  as  pall-bearer  should  be  refused  only  for  the  most 
imperative  reasons. 

The  number  and  age  of  the  pall-bearers  is  a  matter  of 
taste  and  not  of  obligation.  But  it  is  considered  good 
form  to  have  six  young  girls,  dressed  in  white,  as  the 
guard  of  honor  for  a  young  girl  or  woman.  They  should 
be  selected  from  among  intimate  friends.     Similarlj',  six 


\ 


92  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

young  men  are  appropriate  for  a  young  man  who  has 
died;  wliile  for  an  elderly  married  man,  eight  gentlemen 
from  among  his  closest  friends  and  business  associates 
form  the  usual  guard  of  honor. 

The  pall-bearers,  in  the  invitation,  are  told  just  when 
they  are  expected  to  assemble  at  the  house  of  the  de- 
ceased, and  they  should  make  it  a  particular  point  to  be 
on  time.  There  can  be  no  greater  breach  of  good  manners, 
and  in  fact  no  greater  unkindness,  than  to  keep  a  funeral 
party  waiting.  If  the  pall-bearers  are  to  be  women,  the 
carriages  or  cars  may  be  sent  for  them  individually;  but 
^s  a  general  rule,  pall-bearers  are  shown  to  their  carriage 
or  car  before  the  door,  when  the  funeral  procession  begins. 

It  is  customary'  for  all  who  attend  a  church  funeral  to 
assemble  at  the  church,  but  this  rule  does  not  pertain  to 
the  pall-bearers.  They  are  tlie  only  ones  who  accompany 
the  immediate  family  and  relatives  from  the  house.  Un- 
less a  special  request  to  the  contrary  has  been  made,  pall- 
bearers may  send  flowers  if  they  wish. 

DUTIES    OF    PALL-BEAEEKS 

A  prompt  answer  is  necessary  upon  receipt  of  an  invita- 
tion to  serve  as  pall-bearer.  Illness  or  absence  from  town 
at  the  time  of  the  funeral  are  the  only  excuses  for  refusing 
to  accept  the  invitation.  The  written  answer  must  be 
followed  by  a  personal  call  at  the  home  of  the  deceased, 
and  cards  must  be  left. 

Formerly,  the  duty  of  the  pall-bearer  was  to  carry  the 
cloth  or  velvet  pall  that  covered  the  coffin — hence  the 
name.  Later  the  custom  developed  into  a  more  important 
duty — the  pall-bearers  actually  carried  the  casket  into 
and  out  of  the  church.     This  is  still  done,  although  now 


FUNERALS  93 

the  accepted  form  is  for  the  pall-bearers  to  appear  solely 
as  a  guard  of  honor  for  the  dead. 

In  this  latter  case,  they  walk  before  the  casket  which 
is  carried  by  the  undertaker's  or  sexton's  assistants. 
They  halt  before  the  hearse  and  stand  in  silent  reverence 
with  heads  uncovered,  while  the  casket  is  being  placed 
into  it,  and  again  when  it  is  taken  out  to  be  conveyed  into 
the  churcli.  Tliey  do  not  enter  their  cars  until  the  hearse 
has  passed  on  ahead. 

Each  pall-bearer  should  speak  a  few  words  of  con- 
dolence to  the  members  of  the  bereaved  family.  However, 
he  must  not  make  obvious  efforts  to  observe  this  duty, 
nor  must  he  intrude  upon  grief.  He  offers  his  words  of 
comfort  only  when  it  is  convenient  and  when  he  is  brought, ' 
by  his  duties,  into  the  presence  of  his  sorrowing  friends. 
He  should  be  kind,  and  most  of  all,  tactful.  He  should 
not  say  anything  that  will  cause  a  fresh  outburst  of  grief. 

A  few  days  after  thr  funeral,  it  is  expected  that  the 
pall-bearer  call  and  leave  his  card  for  the  mourners. 
It  is  necessary  only  for  him  to  inquire  at  the  door  after 
the  ladies  and  to  leave  his  card.  It  is  more  considerate 
not  to  ask  to  see  members  of  the  family. 

THE    CHUECH    FUNEEAI. 

Because  it  is  closely  allied  with  religion,  the  funeral 
ceremony  is  nearly  always  conducted  at  church.  Of 
course  this  is  something  entirely  dependent  upon  con- 
ditions and  personal  preferences,  but  the  church  funeral 
is  always  more  dignified  and  impressive. 

The  pall-bearers  and  nearest  relatives  of  the  deceased 
assemble  at  the  house.  Otherwise,  all  who  are  to  attend 
the  funeral  assemble  at  the  church.    The  caskpt  is  bnru** 


94  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

from  the  house  by  the  undertaker's  assistants,  the  pall- 
bearers preceding  it  two-by-two.  As  soon  as  the  hearse 
drives  off,  the  pall-bearers  enter  the  carriages  or  cars 
immediately  behind  it,  and  the  relatives  follow  in  the  next 
cars  in  the  order  of  their  relationship. 

When  the  procession  is  ready  to  move,  the  music  begins 
and  the  casket  is  borne  down  the  aisle  to  the  altar  by 
the  sexton's  assistants.  Sometimes  the  pall-bearers  carry 
the  casket  to  the  altar. 


OEDEa    OF    PRECEDENCE 

When  attending  the  body  of  their  child,  parents  walk 
arm  in  arm,  their  other  children  following  immediately 
behind  them  in  the  order  of  seniority.  Pall-bearers  in- 
variably precede  the  casket.  A  widow  attends  the  body 
of  her  husband  on  the  arm  of  her  eldest  son  or  daughter, 
with  her  other  children  just  behind.  After  them  come  the 
deceased  man's  parents,  followed  by  his  brothers  and 
sisters.  Similarly,  a  widower  follows  the  body  of  his  wife 
attended  by  his  eldest  son  or  daughter.  Children  follow- 
ing the  body  of  their  only  parent  take  precedence  accord- 
ing to  their  ages,  the  elder  always  leading.  A  widow  who 
has  no  children  follows  her  husband  on  the  arm  of  a 
brother  or  other  near  masculine  relative. 

During  the  services  at  the  church,  the  relatives  occupy 
the  front  pews  on  the  right  of  the  center  aisle.  The  pall- 
bearers sit  in  the  opposite  pews  on  the  left-hand  side. 
After  the  services  the  procession  leaves  the  church  in  the 
same  order  observed  upon  entering.  If  prayers  are  to  be 
offered  at  the  grave,  the  car  of  the  clergyman  follows 
immediately  after  the  hearse. 


FUNERALS  95 

Different  religions  have  different  burial  services,  but 
these  are  matters  of  faith  rather  than  of  etiquette. 

THE  HOUSE  FUNEEAI. 

A  house  funeral  should  always  be  very  simple.  Few 
flowers  are  used  by  people  of  good  taste. 

At  a  house  funeral,  a  number  of  folding-chairs  may  be 
provided  by  the  undertaker.  The  casket  is  placed  on  a 
draped  stand  at  one  end  of  the  drawing-room,  such  flowers 
as  are  used  being  placed  on  and  around  it.  The  room  may 
or  may  not  be  darkened  according  to  the  wishes  of  the 
family.  Each  guest  should  be  greeted  at  the  door  by 
some  representative  of  the  family  and  shown  to  a  seat  in 
the  drawing-room.  A  row  of  seats  should  be  reserved  near 
the  casket  for  the  immediate  family,  one  being  set  aside 
for  the  clergyman  who  is  to  officiate.  Though  it  is  not 
obligatory  it  is  very  courteous  to  send  a  carriage  or  an 
automobile  for  him.  A  Protestant  clergyman  does  not 
expect  a  fee  but  if  he  has  come  some  distance  or  if  the 
family  wishes  to  express  their  thanks  in  that  manner  they 
may  offer  one  which  he  is  privileged  to  accept  with  per- 
fect propriety. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  appoint  pall-bearers  for  a  home 
funeral.  A  quiet  reserve  and  dignity  should  characterize 
the  occasion,  and  it  should  be  carried  out  with  the  greatest 
amount  of  expediency  possible.  If  music  is  desired,  the 
musicians  or  choristers  should  be  in  an  adjacent  room  and 
the  notes  should  be  very  low  and  soft. 

Women  do  not  remove  their  wraps  during  the  ceremony, 
and  men  carry  their  hats  in  their  hands.  The  women  mem- 
bers of  the  bereaved  family  enter  on  the  arms  of  masculine 
relatives,  and  if  they  intend  going  to  the  cemetery,  they 


96  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

wear  their  hats  and  veils.  The  members  of  the  family, 
however,  do  not  enter  the  drawing-room  until  the  clergy- 
man arrives. 

After  the  ceremony  the  guests  quietly  disperse,  only 
those  remaining  who  intend  going  to  the  cemetery.  It  is 
not  expected  that  expressions  of  sympathy  be  offered  on 
this  occasion;  cards  are  left  for  the  family  immediately 
after  the  announcement  of  the  death,  and  a  call  of 
condolence  is  made,  according  to  society's  rules,  within  ft 
week  after  the  funeral.  Thus  it  is  superfluous  to  offer 
sympathy  at  the  services,  unless  one  is  a  very  dear  friend 
and  wishes  particularly  to  do  so. 

A  POINT  OF  IMPOETANCE 

Very  often  the  women  of  the  family,  or  perhaps  just 
one  woman,  finds  her  grief  imcontroUable.  Even  though 
the  funeral  is  private,  and  only  relatives  and  close  friends 
are  present  it  is  the  privilege  of  the  bereaved  to  keep  to 
her  room  and  find  solace  in  solitude.  The  world  will  not 
censure  her  for  being  absent ;  it  is  a  time  when  petty  con- 
ventions may  safely  be  overlooked.  When  one  is  grieving, 
suffering,  miserable ;  and  prefers  to  find  peace  alone,  with- 
out the  sympathies  of  others,  she  has  every  right  in  the 
world  to  do  so.  And  she  is  breaking  no  rules  of  good 
conduct,  either,  for  people  of  good  breeding  will  recognize 
the  depth  of  her  overpowering  grief. 

Surely  it  is  better  to  remain  away  from  the  services  than 
to  go  in  a  state  of  hystena.  When  sorrow  is  so  poignant, 
private  home  services  are  usually  held,  in  which  case  the 
immediate  members  of  the  family  may  gather  in  a  room 
adjoining  that  in  which  the  guests  are  assembled.  Even 
in  the  deepest  grief  it  is  possible  to  remember  and  obser\ 


FUNERALS  97 

the  great  law — '*be  calm,  be  silent  and  serene,"  and  tears 
do  not  always  mean  sorrow,  nor  loud  wailing,  grief. 

EEMOVING  SIGNS   OF   GRIEF 

Upon  their  return  from  the  funeral,  the  family  should 
find  the  windows  open  with  the  warm  sunlight  streaming 
through  them  and  all  outward  signs  of  sorrow  removed. 
The  ribbon  and  flowers  on  the  door  are  generally  taken 
down  as  soon  as  the  procession  leaves. 

In  the  house,  all  signs  of  the  bereavement  should  be 
effaced.  The  furniture  should  be  placed  in  its  usual  order. 
Everything  connected  with  the  funeral  must  be  out  of 
sight.  The  members  of  the  family  should  be  greeted  with 
nothing,  upon  their  return,  that  would  possibly  give  cause 
for  fresh  sorrow.  A  considerate  friend  or  relative  should 
stay  behind  to  attend  to  these  details.  It  is  not  enough  to 
leave  everything  in  the  hands  of  the  undertaker  and  his 
assistants. 

But  even  relatives  should  remember  that  the  bereaved 
ones  will  want  to  be  by  themselves,  and  that  solitude  is 
often  the  greatest  solace  for  grief. 

SECLUSION  DIJEING   MOUENING 

For  three  weeks  after  a  bereavement,  women  seclude 
themselves  and  receive  no  visitors  except  their  most  inti- 
mate friends.  After  this  they  are  expected  to  be  suf- 
ficiently resigned  to  receive  the  calls  of  condolei^ce  of  their 
friends  and  acquaintances.  They  themselves  make  no 
visits  until  six  months  after  the  death. 

While  wearing  crepe  veil  and  crepe-trimmed  gowns,  a 
woman   should   refrain   from   taking   part   in   all    social 


98  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

gaieties.  After  the  crepe  has  been  discarded,  she  may 
attend  concerts,  dinners  and  luncheons,  and  the  theater; 
but  she  attends  no  large  social  functions  or  fashionable 
dinners  until  at  least  a  year  after  the  date  of  death.  The 
usual  round  of  social  duties,  including  balls  and  the  opera, 
are  not  resumed  until  colors  are  once  again  adopted. 

A  man  does  not  observe  the  etiquette  of  mourning  as 
rigidly  as  his  wife  or  daughter;  but  it  is  necessary  to 
mention  here  that  it  is  exceedingly  bad  form  for  him  to 
resume  liis  active  social  duties,  such  as  club  dinners  and 
entertainments,  the  theater,  calls,  small  dinners  with 
friends,  until  at  least  two  months  have  elapsed.  If  busi- 
ness permits,  he  may  observe  ten  days  or  two  weeks  of 
absolute  seclusion. 

DEESS   AT  rUNEEALS 

Those  who  attend  the  funeral  should  not  appear  In 
gay  or  brightly-colored  clothes,  in  deference  for  the  feel- 
ings of  the  sorrowing  relatives.  Women  who  wear  simple, 
unrelieved  black  display  an  excellent  taste  although  any 
subdued  color  is  equally  good.  Gentlemen  should  wear 
either  complete  suits  of  black,  or  those  of  material  dark 
enough  to  be  suited  to  the  solemnity  pf  the  occasion.  Gray 
trousers  with  a  black  cutaway  are  permissible.  A  quiet 
hat,  gloves  and  necktie  are  worn.  Vivid  colors,  either  on 
a  man  or  woman,  show  a  disregard  for  the  feeling  of  the 
mourners,  a  lack  of  respect  for  oneself,  and  a  distinct 
ignorance  of  the  laws  of  good  conduct.  It  is  not  a  gala 
occasion  and  levity  of  any  sort  is  atrociously  bad  form. 

INTEEMENT  AND    CEEMATION 

Etiquette  has  nothing  to  say  with  regard  to  the  dis- 
posal of  the  body  of  the  ^pceaaei.     Whether  it  is  to  be  in- 


FUNERALS  99 

terred  or  cremated,  whether  the  casket  shall  rest  in  a 
grave  or  a  vault  or  a  mausoleum  or  whether  the  ashes  shall 
be  preserved  in  an  urn  or  scattered  upon  a  well-loved  river 
or  hill  or  upon  some  other  chosen  spot  is  entirely  a  mat- 
ter of  personal  preference. 

But  etiquette  unites  with  the  laws  of  beauty  and  refined 
sentiment  in  protesting  against  the  erecting  of  hideous 
monuments  with  absurd  inscriptions.  The  purpose  of  the 
tombstone  is  to  mark  the  resting  place  and  to  bear  the 
name  and  the  date  of  the  birth  and  death  of  the  person 
who  lies  beneath  it.  If  the  life  itself  has  not  left  a  record 
that  will  last  a  marble  slab  will  not  do  much  to  perpetuate 
it.  Sometimes  there  is  a  special  achievement  or  a  mark 
of  distinction  which  may  with  propriety  be  cut  into  the 
stone  or  the  family  of  the  deceased  may  inscribe  thereupon 
an  expression  of  their  grief  or  love;  but  flowery  inscrip- 
tions belong  to  the  past  and  since  there  are  no  words  that 
can  adequately  express  the  grief  of  a  sorrowing  family 
for  one  who  has  died  it  is  perhaps  best  not  to  attempt  it. 

The  hour  at  which  the  interment  is  to  take  place  is 
appointed  to  suit  the  convenience  of  the  family.  In  cities 
where  a  multiplicity  of  duties  makes  attendance  in  the  day- 
time difficult  it  is  customary  to  have  evening  services,  but 
under  all  other  circumstances  the  funeral  is  scheduled  to 
take  place  during  the  day. 

MOUENING  DEESS 

Grief  turns  instinctively  to  the  somber  garments  of 
mourning  for  the  slight  measure  of  comfort  which  they 
give,  but  modem  ideas  of  enlightened  civilization  look  with 
disfavor  on  long  crepe  veils  and  any  other  form  of  mourn- 
ing that  is  so  Dronounced  as  to  be  ostentatious.     Black 


100  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

is  very  depressing,  especially  to  young  children,  and  e- 
mother,  however  deep  her  sorrow  because  of  the  death  of 
one  of  her  children  should  keep  this  in  mind  and  should, 
at  any  rate,  not  wear  black  every  day.  If  she  likes  she 
may  wear  mourning  when  she  leaves  the  house.  It  is  a 
sort  of  protection,  for  strangers  and  thoughtless  friends 
will  not  be  so  likely  to  make  remarks  that  will  wound,  if 
they  have  the  black  dress  to  remind  them  of  the  bereave- 
ment which  the  mother  has  suffered.  Under  any  other 
circumstances  the  wearing  of  colors  at  home  and  black 
abroad  is  a  form  of  hypocrisy,  and  is,  of  course,  to  be 
deplored. 

Black  fabrics  for  mourning  should  not  have  a  shiny 
finish  nor  should  they  be  trimmed  except  in  the  simplest 
way  possible.  Serge,  cloth,  duvetyn.  Canton  crepe,  pon- 
gee, chiifon,  and  georgette  are  appropriate  but  one  should 
avoid  velvets  and  most  fur  trimmings.  The  most  suitable 
furs  are  plain  black  seal,  fox,  lynx,  etc.,  though  others  may 
be  worn.     Bright  linings  are  not  permissible. 

A  woman  in  mourning  does  not  wear  jewelry  aside  from 
the  wedding  and  engagement  rings.  Dull  bar  pins  may 
be  used  whenever  needed  and  a  brooch,  plain  or  set  with 
pearls,  may  be  worn.  Dress  accessories  should  be  of  dull 
black,  purse,  gloves,  etc.  Handkerchiefs  may  have  a  black 
border  or  they  may  be  pure  wliite. 

The  length  of  the  mourning  period  depends  upon  the 
tie  which  existed  between  the  deceased  and  the  bereaved. 
Except  for  an  elderly  woman  whose  husband  has  died  and 
who  never  intends  taking  off  black  the  longest  period  is 
usually  two  years,  the  first  in  deep  mourning,  the  next  in 
**second  mourning"  during  which  time  gray,  lavender,  pur- 
ple and  black-and-white  may  be  worn.  This  may  be 
shortened  at  discretion  to  six  months  of  deep  mourning 


FUNERALS  101 

followed  by  six  months  of  semi-mourning  or  three  months 
of  deep  mourning  and  six  of  half  mourning.  The  change 
from  black  to  colors  should  never  be  so  abrupt  as  to  be 
startling. 

A  girl  does  not  wear  mourning  for  her  fiance  except  un- 
der extenuating  circumstances.  If  he  died  on  the  eve  of 
the  wedding  it  is  permissible  but  if  the  date  for  the  wed- 
ding had  not  been  set  or  if  the  engagment  had  not  been 
announced  it  is  questionable  form  for  her  to  go  into 
mourning  for  him.  It  is  a  very  delicate  matter  and  the 
final  court  of  appeals  is  the  young  lady  herself.  But  she 
should  remember  that  the  garments  of  mourning  are  after 
all  only  a  symbol  of  grief  and  she  should  hesitate  a  long 
time  before  assuming  them.  Her  mourning  outfit  is  like 
that  of  a  widow  and  she  wears  it  for  the  same  length  of 
time. 

Children  should  never  wear  black.  Upon  the  death  of 
a  parent  they  may  wear  white  perhaps  relieved  by  lavender 
for  six  months  or  so.  They  do  not  use  mourning  sta- 
tionery and  they  do  not  carry  black  bordered  handker- 
chiefs. A  girl  fifteen  or  sixteen  may  wear  delicate  grays, 
lavenders,  and  mixed  goods  as  well  as  white,  but  she  should 
not  wear  black. 

There  is  no  iron-clad  rule  concerning  mourning,  and 
one  may  or  may  not  wear  it.  Even  a  widow,  a  daughter, 
or  a  mother  is  under  no  compulsion  to  do  so,  though  to 
appear  in  bright  colors  shortly  after  the  death  of  a  be- 
loved one  is  certainly  an  evidence  of  bad  taste. 

MOURNING   DRESS    FOR    MEN 

The  mourning  outfit  for  men  is  not  so  pronounced  as 
that  for  women.     A  black  suit  with  dull  black  shoes,  black 


102  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

gloves  and  white  linen  constitutes  first  mourning.  Many 
men  use  only  the  black  band  around  the  coat  sleeve.  The 
custom  grew  out  of  the  English  practice  of  having  tho 
servants  wear  the  black  band  in  households  that  could 
not  afford  a  complete  mourning  outfit,  and  for  this  reason 
has  met  with  disfavor  among  the  fastidious  in  this  coun- 
try. It  has  this  much  in  its  favor:  it  accomplishes  the 
purpose  of  full  mourning  with  the  added  virtue  of  econ- 
omy, and  when  one's  life  has  to  be  conducted  on  a  frugal 
scale  it  is  better  to  wear  the  simple  black  band  than  to 
spend  one's  substance  foolishly  for  mourning. 

A  widower  wears  mourning  for  a  year  or  a  year  and  a 
half  while  a  man  grieving  for  some  other  relative  than 
his  wife  may  wear  mourning  a  year  or  six  months  as  he 
prefers.  First  mourning  consists  of  a  suit  of  black  with 
white  linen,  and  dull  black  accessories  such  as  shoes,  gloves, 
cuff  links,  etc.  The  hat  may  have  a  crepe  border  but  it 
should  not  be  a  very  wide  one.  For  second  mourning 
his  suit  is  of  gray  or  black,  with  gray  gloves,  white  linen, 
etc.  Men  should  never  carry  black  bordered  handker- 
chiefs. A  man  wears  mourning  for  a  wife,  a  child,  a  par- 
ent, or  a  brother  or  sister  the  length  of  time  depending 
upon  the  strength  of  the  bond  which  held  them  together. 

MOUENING  STATIONERY 

White  stationery  of  a  good  quality  is  correct  for  all 
occasions  and  mourning  is  no  exception.  That  which  has 
a  narrow  black  border  is  good  but  a  border  nearly  an  inch 
wide  is  in  bad  taste.  After  three  months  have  passed  gray 
stationery  is  permissible. 

Since  there  are  no  formal  invitations  issued  during  the 
period  of  mourning  there  are  no  special  forms  for  them. 


FUNERALS  103 

There  are,  liowever,  in  addition  to  the  regular  mourning 
stationery  cards  acknowledging  expressions  of  sympathy. 
These  may  be  had  from  any  up-to-date  stationer's.  They 
may  or  may  not  have  the  black  border.  The  following 
is  an  example  of  such  a  card: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  N.  C.  Graham 
thank  7/011  for  your  kind  expression  of  sympathy 
during  their  recent  bereavement. 

The  visiting  card  may  have  an  unobtrusive  border  of 
black.  The  border  on  this  and  on  the  stationery  may  be 
lessened  from  time  to  time  during  the  period  of  mourning 
or  it  may  r<^main  the  same  until  it  is  discarded  altogether. 


CHAPTER  Vin 
CHRISTENINGS 

ANNOUNCING  THE  BIBTH  OF  THE  CHILD 

When  a  child  is  bom  the  mother  and  father  announce 
the  fact  to  their  friends  by  means  of  cards.  These  may 
be  obtained  in  the  prevailing  style  from  any  good  sta- 
tioner. Sometimes  only  one  card  is  sent  bearing  the 
names  of  the  parents  and  that  of  the  child  or  the  word, 
'*Son"  or  "Daughter"  if  the  name  has  not  been  decided 
upon.  Another  fashion  which  has  become  standard  is 
the  use  of  two  cards,  one  somewhat  larger  than  the  ordi- 
nary visiting  card  and  attached  to  it  by  a  tiny  white  rib- 
bon one  very  much  smaller  bearing  the  name  of  the  in- 
fant. There  are  also  dainty  and  attractive  cards  spe- 
cially designed  for  the  occasion.  While  these  are  not  so 
formal  as  the  plain  white  cards  they  are,  when  chosen 
with  discrimination,  very  delightful  and  almost  as  per- 
sonal as  a  note.  Notes  are  usually  sent  only  to  one's 
most  intimate  friends. 

EESPONDING  TO  THE  ANNOUNCEMENT 

Friends  of  the  parents  will,  of  course,  hasten  to  con- 
gratulate them  upon  their  good  fortune.  They  may  send 
flowers,  magazines,  jellies,  etc.,  to  the  mother  and  to  the 
youngster  some  little  article  pleasing  because  of  its  beauty 

104 


CHRISTENINGS  105 

or  its  utility.  Gifts  are  not  necessary,  however,  and  a 
warm  and  sincere  note  expressing  one's  happiness  at  the 
good  fortune  of  the  parents  is  quite  sufficient.  The  note 
mtist  not  be  perfunctory.  You  must  remember  that  the 
child  of  your  friend  is  the  most  wonderful  infant  that 
ever  came  to  earth  to  live  (and  if  your  private  opinion 
is  to  the  contrary  it  is  best  to  keep  it  private),  and  that 
conventional  phrases  are  entirely  inadequate.  On  the 
other  hand  it  will  not  do  to  gush.  Simplicity  and  sin- 
cerity are  the  best  means  to  attain  the  end  desired. 

GODPAaENTS 

In  the  old  world  the  selection  of  godparents  is  a  very 
important  duty  and  the  office  of  the  godfather  and  the 
godmother  is  actual  rather  than  theoretical;  but  in  this 
country  it  has  a  tendency  to  become  a  mere  form.  This 
should  not  be  the  case,  for  it  is  a  high  tribute  to  a  friend 
to  ask  him  to  be  the  godfather  of  one's  child  and  it  is  often 
an  excellent  thing  for  the  child.  It  assures  him  at  least 
one  friend  older  than  himself  who  has  a  very  special  in- 
terest in  his  welfare. 

There  may  be  four  sponsors,  or  two,  as  one  chooses, 
but  in  America  there  are  usually  only  two,  a  godfather 
and  a  godmother.  Whenever  possible  they  should  be 
asked  in  person  and  they  should  never  be  asked  through 
a  formally  engraved  card.  For  the  sponsors  are  always 
intimate  friends  of  the  mother  and  father  or  relatives 
for  whom  they  feel  the  highest  regard.  It  is  the  interest 
of  the  child  that  is  at  stake  and  this  should  be  taken  into 
consideration  by  the  parents  before  they  make  their  final 
selection. 

The  duties  of  the  godparents  are  not  onerous.     They 


106  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

promise  always  to  befriend  the  child  and  at  the  time  of 
the  christening  they  present  it  with  a  gift  of  some  sort — 
jewelry,  garments,  carriage  or  toilette  accessories.  They 
are  present  at  the  baptism,  if  possible,  and  accompany 
the  mother  and  father  to  the  altar.  The  father  and  god- 
father have  little  to  do  beyond  lending  the  grace  of  their 
presence  to  the  occasion.  The  godmother  carries  the  in- 
fant to  the  altar,  resplendent  in  liis  christening  robe,  and 
at  the  proper  time  hands  it  to  the  clergyman.  If  there 
are  no  sponsors  the  office  of  the  godmother  at  the  church 
may  be  filled  by  the  baby*s  nurse  or  by  the  mother  herself. 


INVITATIONS    TO   A    CHEISTENING 


The  christening  is  rarely  an  elaborate  affair  and  the 
only  guests  are  relatives  and  close  friends.  If  it  is  not 
too  much  of  a  tax  on  the  mother  it  is  very  lovely  for  her 
to  write  personal  notes  to  each  guest  asking  him  or  her 
to  be  present  at  the  ceremony.  If  there  is  to  be  a  con- 
siderable number  present  engraved  cards  may  be  dis- 
patched. Examples  of  both  the  formal  and  the  informal 
invitation  are  given  below: 

June  6f  19 — . 
My  dear  Grace, 

The  baby  is  to  he  christened  next  Sunday  at 
four  o'clock  at  the  Brick  Church  and  both  Harry 
and  I  are  anxious  to  have  you  present.  I  think 
Harry  Jr.  would  be  also  if  he  were  old  enough  to 
know  what  it  is  all  about. 

Cordially  yours, 

AUce  F.  Duncan. 


CHRISTENINGS  107 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Harry  T,  Duncan 

request  the  pleasure  of  your  company 

at  the  christening  of  their  son 

on  Sunday  afternoon,  June  6 

at  four  o'clock 

at  the  Brick  Church. 

A    CHUECH    CHEISTENING 

If  the  christening  is  to  be  an  occasion  of  great  formal- 
ity and  elaboration  the  church  should  be  decorated,  not 
elaborately  as  for  a  wedding  but  simply  and  prettily  with 
smilax  and  ferns  and  delicate  white  flowers  or  in  some 
other  way  that  will  indicate  that  the  event  is  for  a  cliild 
and  not  for  an  older  person. 

The  child^s  christening  robe  should  be  simple  but  ex- 
quisite. He  may  be  brought  in  more  gracefully  if  he  is 
carried  on  a  pillow  or  a  porte-bebe. 

The  mother  usually  wears  a  reception  gown,  hat,  and 
gloves.  The  women  sponsors  are  similarly  dressed  while 
the  masculine  guests  wear  the  prescribed  outfit  for  after- 
noon receptions,  the  cutaway  coat,  etc.,  unless  the 
christening  takes  place  in  the  summer  when  light  flannels 
may  be  substituted. 

THE    HOUSE    CHRISTENING 

There  is  very  little  difference  between  a  christening  that 
takes  place  at  home  and  one  at  church.  The  house 
should  be  decorated  and  a  font  may  be  placed  in  the 
drawing-room.  The  mother's  gown  is  less  formal  than 
the  one  she  would  wear  to  the  church  but  the  other  de- 
tails are  practically  the  same. 


108  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 


AFTER   THE   BAPTISM 


After  the  ceremony  is  over  and  the  youngster  has  been 
duly  admired  and  sent  back  to  the  nursery,  there  may  be 
a  reception  or  tea  or  even  a  dinner  or  breakfast,  accord- 
ing to  the  time  of  the  christening,  for  the  guests.  If 
the  baptism  took  place  at  church  the  guests  may  drive 
immediately  from  there  to  the  home,  allowing  the  auto- 
mobile containing  the  mother  and  father  to  precede  them 
by  a  few  minutes.  If  it  took  place  at  home  matters  are 
simpHfied,  for  the  guests  may  pass  into  another  room  or 
the  font  may  be  placed  to  one  side. 

If  there  is  a  breakfast  or  luncheon  served  the  clergy^ 
man  who  performed  the  ceremony  is  invited  to  be  present, 
and  whether  or  not  it  is  customary  to  ask  a  blessing  he 
is  requested  to  pronounce  one.  He  enters  the  dining* 
room  with  the  child's  grandmother,  or  if  both  grand- 
mothers are  present,  with  the  elder. 

GIFTS 

Each  person  who  is  invited  to  the  christening  is  ex- 
pected to  remember  the  infant  with  a  gift  of  some  sort. 
In  view  of  the  fact  that  there  is  usually  nothing  that  he 
needs  and  that  he  is  too  young  to  appreciate  anything, 
many  people  give  for  the  future  rather  than  for  the  pres- 
ent. Sometimes  a  friend  of  the  mother  will  give  the  in- 
fant daughter  a  silver  spoon,  adding  duplicates  each  year 
after  on  its  birthday  or  at  Christmas  until  they  form  a 
complete  set.  Books  which  he  will  appreciate  later  may 
be  given.  Money  in  the  form  of  gold  pieces  or  checks  is 
most  appropriate  and  is  one  of  the  most  popular  of  gifts. 


CHRISTENINGS  109 

Carriage  and  toilette  accessories,  jewelry,  etc.,  are,  of 
course,  suitable  but  one  should  make  sure  that  there  is  an 
actual  need  for  them.  Most  people  nowadays  live  in  a 
limited  amount  of  space  with  neither  a  garret  nor  a  cellar 
to  store  things  in. 


PAUT  II 


"Politeness  itself  is  always  the  same.  The  rules  of 
etiquette  which  are  merely  the  forms  in  which  it  finds 
expression,  vary  with  time  and  place.  A  sincere  regard 
for  the  rights  of  others,  in  the  smallest  matters  as  well  as 
the  largest;  genuine  kindness  of  heart;  good  taste  and 
self  command,  which  are  the  foundations  of  good  man- 
ners, are  never  out  of  fashion.  ' 

—Samuel  R.  Wells. 


CHAPTER  I 
INTRODUCTIONS 

PUEPOSE    OF    THE    INTEODUCTION 

The  days  of  gallant  cavaliers  and  courteous  knights 
who  bowed  profusely  and  doffed  their  feathered  hats  to 
the  very  ground  when  introduced  to  ladies  of  the  court 
are  over.  To-day,  simplicity  is  the  keynote  in  introduc- 
tions— as  in  everything  else.  But  the  significance  of  those 
charming  introductions  of  yore  remains.  We  find  that 
the  introduction  of  to-day  is  still  made  and  acknowledged 
with  a  certain  measured  grace  and  courtesy  of  manner. 
What  it  lacks  in  old-time  picturesque  gallantry  it  gains 
in  a  new  friendliness  that  is  in  accord  with  whole-hearted 
warmth  for  which  the  Americans  are  famous. 

Every  day,  in  the  social  and  business  worlds  alike,  there 
is  the  constant  need  of  introducing  people  correctly.  But 
the  correct  introduction  does  not  consist  merely  of  making 
two  strangers  known  to  each  other — perhaps  just  tempo- 
rarily. To  create  an  immediate  friendliness  between  two 
people  who  have  met  for  the  first  time,  to  do  away  with 
all  hesitancy  and  embarrassment,  to  create  smooth  and 
pleasant  conversation,  to  make  the  strangers  want  to 
continue  their  acquaintance — that  is  the  purpose  of  the 
correct  introduction.  And  its  achievement  rests  entirely 
with  the  man  or  woman  who  is  the  medium  of  introduction. 

A  great  many  people  have  the  mistaken  impression 
that  an  introduction  is  meant  solely  to  make  two  people 

113 


lU  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

known  to  each  other  for  the  short  time  that  they  are  in 
company  together.  The  correct  introduction  helps  to 
create  friendship — the  kind  of  friendship  that  lasts.  It 
is  not  enough  to  exchange  names.  It  is  not  enough  to 
present  one  person  to  another,  and  then  forget  about  it 
completely.  The  adroit  introducer  draws  the  strangers 
into  conversation  at  once,  and  leads  casually  into  chan- 
nels that  he,  or  she,  knows  are  of  interest  to  both. 

To  introduce  people  correctly  is  an  art  in  itself,  and 
like  any  other  art,  it  requires  constant  study  and  prac- 
tice before  one  becomes  adept. 

CEEATING    CONVERSATION 

We  have  mentioned  conversation  as  being  an  ideal 
means  of  establishing  immediate  understanding  between 
two  strangers — or  between  a  stranger  and  a  group  of 
guests.  Let  us  consider  first  the  best  means  to  employ 
in  creating  conversation  between  two  persons  who  have 
just  been  introduced. 

Elaborate  manner  should  be  avoided.  Simple  words 
and  phraseology  are  always  most  effective,  especially  when 
one*s  manner  and  tone  are  sincere.  Brevity  is  also  a 
virtue  to  be  developed  in  introducing  people.  If  a  scientist 
and  a  student  meet  in  your  home  for  the  first  time,  the 
student  is  presented  to  the  older  man.  The  host  or 
hostess  might  introduce  them  in  this  manner:  "Mr.  Rog- 
ers, let  me  present  Mr.  Brown,  who  is  making  a  study  of 
social  science  at  Pennsylvania  University."  Naturally,  an 
introduction  of  this  kind  would  lead  directly  into  a  dis- 
cussion on  science — and  both  men  would  feel  entirely  at 
ease  in  each  other's  company. 

In  introducing  a  gentleman  to  a  lady,  the  same  rule  of 


INTRODUCTIONS  115 

mutual  interest  for  creating  conversation  holds  true.  The 
hostess  might  say,  "Miss  Murray,  allow  me  to  present 
Mr.  Smith,  who  stopped  at  the  Palms  last  summer  just 
before  you  arrived."  Of  course,  the  young  people  would 
immediately  have  something  to  talk  about,  and  there  would 
be  no  strained  feeling  of  the  sort  that  usually  follows  in 
the  wake  of  a  poor  introduction.  Or,  if  Mr.  Smith  is 
an  author,  and  Miss  Murray  is  very  fond  of  reading,  the 
hostess  would  say,  "Miss  Murray,  I'm  sure  you  will  be 
pleased  to  meet  Mr.  Smith,  who  writes  such  charming 
fiction.  You  remember  how  much  we  enjoyed  'The  Rose 
Garden.'  " 

A  great  deal  depends  upon  the  strangers  themselves, 
whether  or  not  conversation  will  move  forward,  but  the 
hostess  who  has  introduced  them  skilfully  has  certainly 
given  them  a  pleasant  opening. 

WHEN    TO    INTHODUCE 

*'To  introduce  or  not  to  introduce?"  has  often  puzzled 
men  and  women  of  better  society.  It  requires  infinite  tact, 
and  also  a  certain  keen  knowledge  of  the  world,  to  deter- 
mine just  whom  one  should  and  one  should  not  introduce 
to  one's  friends. 

This  does  not  refer  to  home  or  private  entertainments 
where  everyone  is  an  invited  guest.  In  this  case,  the  host 
and  hostess  make  whatever  introductions  they  deem  neces- 
sary, being  sure  that  a  stranger  is  carefully  presented 
to  each  guest.  When  the  reception  is  a  large  one — a  ball, 
for  instance — the  roof  may  serve  as  an  introduction ;  that 
is,  the  guests  may  take  it  for  granted  that  everyone 
present,  being  an  invited  guest,  has  already  the  endorse- 
ment of  thp  hostesii-    Thus  they  may  address  and  convers** 


116  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

with  anyone  they  choose,  without  trespassing  any  laws 
of  good  conduct. 

If  a  lady  passes  two  gentlemen,  one  of  whom  she  knows, 
both  raise  their  hats  and  greet  her,  but  no  introductions 
are  made.  If  he  stops  for  a  moment — and  it  must  be  only 
for  a  very  brief  moment — he  does  not  present  his  com- 
panion. Street  introductions  are  bad  form  unless  the 
little  group  joins  forces  and  walks  on  together. 

In  the  business  world,  introductions  are  made  whenever 
a  mutual  acquaintance  or  friend  is  present.  Business  in- 
troductions are  governed  very  largely  by  diplomacy,  al- 
though the  gentleman  will  make  sure  that  his  business  in- 
troduction is  just  as  courteous  and  graceful  as  his  social 
introduction. 

Granting  that  all  your  friends  and  acquaintances  are 
of  the  very  best  society,  it  is  quite  safe  to  say  that  you 
may  introduce  two  people  to  each  other,  or  a  group  of 
people  to  one  another,  whenever  you  chance  to  be  a  mutual 
friend.  Whether  or  not  the  acquaintanceship  continues 
depends  entirely  upon  the  people  who  have  been  intro- 
duced. It  is  certainly  better  form  to  introduce  two  people, 
even  though  you  are  in  doubt  as  to  their  similarity  of 
character  and  personality,  than  to  have  one  of  jonr 
friends — or  several  of  them — feel  slighted.  There  are 
few  things  more  unkind  and  discourteous  than  to  neglect 
introducing  strangers  to  each  other. 

IMPOETANCE    OF    CARE 

An  awkward  or  haphazard  introduction  can  not  be 
effective.  A  common  fault  seems  to  be  to  mumble  hurriedly 
over  names — a  very  bad  fault,  indeed,  as  it  leaves  the 
strangers  in  ignorance  as  to  each  other's  identity.    Names 


snould 


INTRODUCTIONS  117 


snould  be  pronounced  carefully  and  distinctly,  leaving  no 
doubt  whatever  in  the  minds  of  those  who  are  being  pre- 
sented to  each  other.  To  slur  over  names  in  haete  or  em- 
barrassment, is  to  create  a  strained  an4  ♦vic^tnfortable 
atmosphere.  ^ 

As  in  everything  else  in  good  society,  ostentation  is 
extremely  vulgar.  Deep  bows,  flourishes,  and  forced 
phrases  have  no  place  in  the  right  sort  of  presentations. 
Brief,  simple  introductions,  with  a  note  of  sincere  cordi- 
ality, are  certainly  more  impressive  than  much  elaborate 
waving  of  hands  and  bowing. 

SPECIAL    INTRODUCTIONS 

It  is,  of  course,  an  established  rule  that  a  man  should 
always  be  presented  to  a  lady.  But  the  rule  does  not  hold 
true  when  a  lady  is  presented  to  some  gentleman  of  excep- 
tionally high  and  distinguished  position.  Thus,  if  a  lady 
is  presented  to  the  President  of  the  United  States,  or  to 
an  ex-President,  or  prince,  duke,  or  archduke,  the  gentle- 
man's name  is  mentioned  first.  Another  exception  to  the 
rule  is  when  unmarried  ladies  are  presented  to  important 
members  of  the  clergy,  such  as  the  bishop  or  archbishop ; 
here  also  the  gentleman's  name  is  mentioned  first. 

There  is  only  one  great  exception  to  the  rule  that  all 
unmarried  women  are  presented  to  matrons :  all  women,  no 
matter  whether  they  are  young  unmarried  women  or 
elderly  matrons,  are  introduced  to  the  wife  of  the  Presi- 
dent of  the  United  States. 

There  are  several  exceptions  to  the  rule  that  all  young 
and  unmarried  men  be  presented  to  older  men.  First, 
there  is  the  President  of  the  United  States,  to  whom  all 
men,  young  and  old,  are  presented.     Similarly,  a  host  in 


118  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

his  own  home  is  always  mentioned  first.  A  member  of  a 
royal  and  reigning  family  is  never  presented  to  anyone 
unless  it  is  someone  of  higher  royalty;  all  introductions 
are  made  to  him.  A  guest  of  honor  at  an  entertainment 
is  also  given  the  distinction  of  having  all  guests  pre- 
sented to  him. 

WHEN    THE    NAME    ISN't    HEAED 

It  very  often  happens,  in  making  introductions,  that  one 
does  not  quite  understand  the  name  murmured  by  the  one 
who  is  making  the  introduction.  There  is  absolutely  no 
reason  to  become  flustered  and  embarrassed.  Simply  smile 
or  nod  in  acknowledgment,  and  say,  "I  beg  your  pardon, 
I  did  not  hear  your  name."  Or  one  might  say,  "I  am 
sorry,  but  I  did  not  catch  the  name."  Profuse  apologies 
are  not  good  form;  in  fact,  they  are  entirely  out  of 
place,  for  the  fault  lies  completely  with  the  man  or  woman 
who  has  made  the  introduction.  Address  yourself  to  the 
stranger,  when  you  wish  the  name  to  be  repeated,  and 
make  your  request  simply,  directly  and  with  calm  dignity. 
Do  not  show  either  by  haste  or  embarrassment  that  you 
are  ill  at  ease  because  the  name  escaped  you. 

Many  times  it  is  the  fault  of  the  people  who  are  being 
introduced  that  they  do  not  understand  the  names.  They 
do  not  listen  for  them.  It  is  one  of  the  secrets  of  social 
success,  if  there  can  be  anything  secret  about  a  thing 
so  obvious,  to  be  able  to  remember  names  correctly. 
People  in  business  realize  this  and  salesmen  devote  special 
time  to  training  themselves  to  remember  the  names  of  their 
customers. 

A  very  bad  fault  is  to  attempt  to  guess  at  a  name  when 
it  is  not  heard  distinctly.    It  is  perfectly  correct  to  ask/ 


INTRODUCTIONS  119 

*'Did  Mrs.  Roberts  call  you  Miss  Gray?"  But  never 
address  the  young  lady  as  Miss  Gray  if  you  have  the 
least  doubt  as  to  whether  or  not  that  was  the  name  given. 
Her  name  may  be  Graham,  or  Grayerson!  It  is  much 
wiser  to  ask  and  be  correct,  than  to  guess  and  be  cor- 
rected. 

THE    COUEECT    INTBODUCTION 

Let  us  now  consider  the  correct  forms  for  the  general 
introduction.  For  all  ordinary  occasions  the  simple  form, 
"Mrs.  Johns,  let  me  present  Mr.  Brown,"  is  the  best. 
Because  it  is  brief,  direct  and  simple  it  may  be  used 
effectively  on  almost  any  occasion.  In  introducing  men 
to  women,  the  woman's  name  is  invariably  spoken  first, 
and  the  gentleman  is  presented  to  her.  Several  phrases 
that  are  quite  generally  used  in  social  circles  are :  "Mrs. 
A,  allow  me  to  introduce  Mr.  B,"  or  "Mrs.  A,  Mr.  B 
wishes  to  be  presented  to  you,"  or  "Mrs.  A,  may  I  present 
Mr.  B?"  Such  phrases  as  "Let  me  make  you  acquainted 
with"  and  "I  want  you  to  shake  hands  with"  are  awkward 
and  altogether  too  casual.    They  should  never  be  used. 

When  there  is  a  great  difference  in  the  ages  of  two 
women,  the  younger  is  presented  to  the  elder.  Thus,  if 
Mrs.  Brown  is  an  elderly  matron,  and  Mrs.  Smith  is  a 
recent  bride,  one  would  say:  "Mrs.  Brown,  let  me  pre- 
sent Mrs.  Smith."  An  unmarried  woman  is  always  pre- 
sented to  a  matron  in  this  manner:  "Mrs.  Brown,  may  I 
present  Miss  Jones  ?"  or  "Mrs.  Brown,  this  is  Miss  Jones." 
When  it  is  hard  to  decide  which  of  two  married  women  is' 
older,  one  may  give  due  deference  to  both  by  introducing 
m  this  most  satisfactory  manner:  "Mrs.  Brown,  let  me 
nresent  Mrs.  Smith;  Mrs.  Smith,  Mrs.  Brown." 


120  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Similar  distinctions  are  made  in  the  introducing  of  two 
gentlemen.  Where  there  is  no  difference  in  age,  title  or 
dignity,  the  introduction  may  be  merely;  "Mr.  White, 
Mr.  Jones."  A  young  man  is  presented  to  an  older  man,  a 
bachelor  to  a  married  man.  However,  if  the  bachelor  is 
a  venerable  old  gentleman,  a  married  man  is  presented 
to  him,  in  deference  to  his  age.  Citizens  without  official 
distinction  are  invariably  presented  to  senators,  judges, 
governors,  etc. 

When  introducing  a  friend  to  one's  parents  it  is  correct 
to  say,  "Mother,  may  I  present  Miss  Smith?"  or  "Mother, 
this  is  Mr.  Jones."  The  friend  is  always  introduced  to 
the  mother  first,  then  to  the  father.  Other  relatives  are 
introduced  in  the  order  of  their  age  and  position  in  the 
family. 

In  presenting  a  relative  whose  name  is  the  same  as  your 
own  it  is  unnecessary  to  repeat  the  name.  For  instance, 
"Miss  Daniels,  do  you  know  my  sister,  Mildred?"  or 
"Miss  Daniels,  may  I  present  my  brother,  Harry?"  If 
the  name  is  different  particular  pains  should  be  taken  to 
pronounce  it.  "Miss  Daniels,  this  is  my  sister,  Mrs. 
Graham."  Or,  "Miss  Daniels,  may  I  present  by  brother, 
Mr.  Franklin?" 


GROUP    INTEODUCTIONS 

It  is  considered  bad  form  to  interrupt  a  conversation  to 
introduce  a  newcomer.  Always  wait  until  the  conversation 
has  subsided  before  you  venture  to  present  a  stranger 
to  a  group  of  people. 

The  best  way  to  introduce  a  gentleman  to  a  group  of 
guests  is  to  mention  the  names  only,  in  this  manner :    "Mr. 


INTRODUCTIONS  121 

Jones — Miss  Smith,  Miss  Roberts,  Mr.  Frank  and  Mr. 
Brown."    Or  one  might  say,  "Mr.  Jones,  let  me  introduce 

you  to "  and  then  give  the  names  of  the  guests  in  the 

group,  being  sure  to  mention  the  ladies  first. 

A  lady  is  introduced  to  a  group  of  people  in  the 
same  manner.  It  is  indicative  of  bad  taste  to  conduct  a 
young  lady  around  a  large  room  and  introduce  her  indi- 
vidually to  each  stranger.  Gentlemen  should  always  be 
taken  to  her  to  be  presented  to  her.  It  is  only  when  the 
young  lady  is  a  debutante  or  a  youthful  member  of  society 
that  she  is  conducted  across  a  room  to  be  presented  to 
some  elderly  dowager,  or  to  the  guest  of  honor.  It  is  in- 
considerate to  present  any  one  person  to  a  great  number 
of  others  all  at  once.  It  is  not  only  embarrassing  but  the 
task  of  remembering  anyone  of  the  people  introduced  is 
hopeless. 

THE    CHANCE    INTEODUCTION 

Before  we  go  any  further  in  the  correct  forms  for  intro- 
ductions, we  will  offer  a  word  of  caution  that  should  be 
carefully  heeded.  Never  introduce  people  to  each  other 
unless  you  are  quite  certain  that  it  will  be  agreeable  to 
both.  For  instance,  if  two  young  women  of  your  acquaint- 
ance have  been  attending  the  same  church  for  several 
years  and  yet  do  not  greet  or  recognize  each  other,  it  may 
be  assumed  that  they  have  a  reason  for  remaining  strang- 
ers. In  such  a  case,  an  introduction  could  only  be  painful 
to  both. 

An  introduction  is  not  merely  a  trivial  convention — a 
duty  that  must  be  attended  to.  It  is  an  important  cere- 
mony, the  very  comer-stone  of  friendship.  To  be  formally 
introduced  is  to  have  a  certain  demand  on  one's  future 


122  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

good  graces  and  friendliness.    Thus,  it  is  bad  ta^e  to  in- 
troduce rashly  and  indiscriminately. 

Assuming  that  you  have  no  reason  to  believe  that  they 
do  not  wish  to  know  each  other,  tliis  is  the  best  form  to 
employ  in  introducing  two  young  women,  both  of  whom 
you  meet  at  the  same  time:  "Miss  Jones,  Miss  Smith." 
This  fonn  should  invariably  be  used  in  making  public  in- 
troductions, at  church,  the  theater,  the  opera,  etc.  If  the 
name  of  one  of  the  young  women  has  been  forgotten,  one 
may  say,  "I'm  afraid  I  have  forgotten  your  name,"  or 
"Forgive  me,  but  I  cannot  recall  your  name  just  now." 
As  soon  as  the  required  information  is  given,  the  introduc- 
tion may  proceed  as  above. 

INCOMPLETE    INTRODUCTIONS 

Some  careless  hostesses  neglect  to  complete  introduc- 
tions. This  causes  embarrassment  for  both,  or  all,  people 
concerned,  and  reflects  discreditably  on  the  hostess. 

Who  has  not  heard  the  otherwise  charming  hostess  greet 
a  friend  cordially  in  this  manner:  "Oh,  how-do-you-do, 
my  dear!  Let  me  introduce  Mrs.  Allen,  Mrs.  Baker  and 
Mr.  Carter."  The  young  person  who  has  just  arrived  can 
hardly  avoid  feeling  a  bit  confused,  and  perhaps  a  bit 
slighted.  And  the  people  to  whom  the  introduction  was 
made  will  certainly  feel  embarrassed  when  they  meet  the 
stranger  again  and  must  ask  his  or  her  name. 

Another  type  of  incomplete  introduction  is  to  draw  two 
strangers  into  conversation  by  saying  casually:  "Mrs. 
Roberts,  Mrs.  Jones  was  at  the  opera  last  night  and 
heard  the  same  pianist  you  heard  two  weeks  ago."  This 
is  hardly  sufficient.  The  remark  should  have  been  either 
preceded  or  followed  by  a  bona  fide  introduction,  though 


INTRODUCTIONS  128 

the  smile  and  bow  of  the  hostess  as  she  speaks  may  be  so 
cordial  as  to  remove  whatever  feeling  of  constraint  there 
might  have  been. 

The  incomplete  introduction  is  careless  and  unkind. 
The  hostess  is  unfair  to  her  guests  if  she  does  not  make 
each  introduction  definite  and  formal,  if  she  does  not  pro- 
nounce clearly  the  names  of  both  people  to  be  presented 
to  each  other. 

INDIEECT    INTRODUCTIONS 

The  indirect  introduction  is  entirely  different  from  the 
incomplete  introduction.  The  former  is  often  necessary 
and  purposely  resorted  to;  the  latter  is  invariably  a 
mistake  or  the  result  of  carelessness. 

When  it  is  desirable  to  draw  another  into  conversation, 
then  the  hostess  may  make  an  indirect  introduction  to 
avoid  stiffness  and  constraint.  Thus,  while  conversing 
with  one  guest,  she  may  turn  to  another  and  say:  "Mrs. 
Blank,  Mrs.  Smith  was  just  telling  us  about  the  famous 
picture  that  was  brought  recently  to  America.  Have  you 
seen  it?"  The  purpose  of  the  hostess  will  be  achieved, 
for  the  guest  addressed  will  join  the  conversation,  al- 
though there  has  been  no  formal  introduction. 

When  two  people  are  brought  together  in  this  manner, 
the  question  of  whether  or  not  they  continue  their  ac- 
quaintanceship depends  entirely  upon  themselves.  In 
taking  leave  of  each  otlier,  women  who  have  been  only 
semi-introduced  may  nod  or  shake  hands  as  they  please. 
It  is  not  necessary  to  seek  out  a  woman  to  whom  one  has 
been  indirectly  introduced  in  order  to  take  leave  of  her. 
If  the  semi-introduction  is  between  a  man  and  woman,  the 
woman  must  either  nod  first,  or  offer  her  hand  first,  in 


124.  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

leave-taking.     It  is   the  sign  of  her  willingness   to  be 
f ormallj  introduced. 

THE    ACKNOWLEDGMENT 

A  courteous  acknowledgment  is  essential  to  every  intro- 
duction. It  is  not  enough  to  chant  a  stilted  phrase  each 
time  the  hostess  presents  you  to  a  stranger.  Parrot-like 
repetition  will  make  you  appear  dull  and  ordinary.  But 
to  make  gracious,  cordial  acknowledgments  is  to  gain 
the  immediate  sympathy  and  friendliness  of  those  to  whom 
you  have  been  introduced. 

The  stiff  formal  bow  is  quickly  losing  all  its  prestige 
in  the  best  social  circles.  In  its  place  is  the  warm,  cordial 
handclasp,  or  the  friendly  smile  and  inclination  of  the 
head.  The  bow  is  only  acceptable  when  a  stranger  is 
presented  to  a  group  of  guests.  And  even  then  it  should 
consist  merely  of  a  nod  and  genial  smile  that  includes  the 
entire  company. 

A  hostess  rises  to  receive  all  introductions,  and  offers 
her  hand  both  to  men  and  women.  But  a  woman  guest  re- 
tains her  place  when  introduced  to  a  gentleman,  or  when 
she  is  one  of  a  group  to  whom  a  woman  guest  is  presented. 
However,  if  the  stranger  is  introduced  to  her  individually, 
she  rises  in  acknowledgment.  Other  occas-ions  that  require 
the  woman  of  culture  to  rise  are  when  she  is  being  intro- 
duced to  the  hostess,  the  host,  to  an  elderly  or  dis- 
tinguished gentleman,  to  a  guest  of  honor,  or  to  an  elderly 
woman. 

A  gentleman  invariably  stands  when  introduced.  If  the 
introduction  takes  place  out  of  doors,  he  is  expected  to 
lift  his  hat  and  bow  slightly.  When  introduced  to  a  lady, 
he  must  wait  until  she  takes  the  initiative  in  offering  him 


INTRODUCTIONS  125 

her  hand.  If  she  does  not  offer  her  hand  in  acknowledg- 
ment of  the  introduction,  he  may  merely  nod,  lift  his  hat, 
and  offer  a  word  or  two  of  gracious  pleasure  at  having 
been  introduced  to  her. 

FORMS    OF    ACKNOWLEDGMENT 

The  hostess  extends  her  hand  and  says  cordially,  "I  am 
delighted  to  know  you  Mrs.  Brown,"  or,  "Mrs.  Brown,  I 
am  most  pleased  to  meet  you."  "How  do  you  do,  Mrs. 
Brown,"  is  used  a  great  deal. 

On  being  presented  to  a  lady,  a  gentleman  might  say, 
*'Delighted  to  know  you.  Miss  Jones,"  or  "Miss  Jones,  I 
am  very  glad  indeed  to  meet  you."  The  correct  form  to 
use  when  one  man  is  introduced  to  another  is  usually, 
"How  do  you  do?"  although  a  great  many  men  like  to  use 
the  expression,  "I'm  very  glad  to  meet  you."  A  young 
woman  introduced  to  a  matron  might  say,  "This  is  a 
pleasure  indeed,  Mrs.  Rogers."  A  gentleman  might  ac- 
knowledge an  introduction  to  a  lady  by  saying,  "I  am 
pleased  to  know  you,  Mrs.  Jones,"  or  simply,  "How  do  you 
do,  Mrs.  Jones  ?^'  It  is  not  so  much  a  question  of  what  is 
said  as  of  how  it  is  said. 

It  happens,  sometimes,  that  a  hostess  unknowingly  will 
introduce  to  each  other  two  men,  or  two  women,  who  have 
long  been  on  unfriendly  terms.  To  ignore  each  other  com- 
pletely under  such  circumstances  would  be  a  breach  of 
good  conduct,  and  an  embarrassment  to  everyone  con- 
cerned. It  is  certainly  wiser,  if  not  more  agreeable,  to 
nod  as  though  one  were  a  stranger,  and  later  tactfully 
avoid  the  man  or  woman  whose  company  you  do  not  wish 
to  share. 

The  acknowledgment  to  an  introduction  is  important. 


126  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

It  is  the  first  impression  the  stranger  gains  of  you,  and  it 
is  your  duty  to  make  it  a  good — and  lasting  one. 

It  is  always  best  to  repeat  the  name — in  fact,  the  re- 
peating of  the  name  is  all  that  is  necessary — since  it  gives 
an  opportunity  for  correction  if  the  person  to  whom  the 
introduction  was  made  misunderstood  it.  For  example, 
when  the  hostess  says,  "Mrs.  Davis,  let  me  present  Mrs. 
Raymond,"  the  ladies  may  bow  politely,  each  murmuring 
the  name  of  the  other. 

FUTURE    BECOGNITION    OF    INTEODUCTION 

With  introductions  made  as  hurriedly  and  haphazardly 
as  they  are  to-day,  at  large  receptions  and  balls,  it  is 
often  puzzling  to  determine  whether  or  not  one  should 
greet  a  certain  new  acquaintance  at  the  next  meeting. 
There  are  certain  definite  rules  that  may  be  followed  with 
confidence. 

It  is  important  to  remember  that  the  first  intimation 
of  recognition  after  an  introduction  must  always  come 
from  the  lady.  A  gentleman  does  not  offer  his  hand,  nor 
does  he  bow  or  nod  to  the  lady  he  has  met  only  once  be- 
fore until  she  has  made  the  first  movement.  The  privi- 
lege of  continuing  or  ending  the  acquaintanceship  rests 
with  her. 

As  a  general  rule,  one  bows  to  all  those  whom  one  has 
met  at  dinner,  luncheon  or  breakfast.  It  is  also  usual  to 
greet  those  with  whom  one  may  have  drunk  tea  at  a  recep- 
tion, and  with  whom  one  may  have  played  a  game  of 
tennis  or  golf.  Incomplete  introductions  require  no  future 
recognition,  unless  the  people  introduced  desire  to  culti- 
vate a  friendship. 

If  two  people  are  presented  to  each  other  for  the  second 


INTRODUCTIONS  127 

time,  polite  acknowledgment  must  be  made.  It  is  not 
necessary,  though  often  it  is  pleasant,  to  recall  a  former 
introduction,  especially  if  one  feels  sure  that  the  other  will 
have  no  difficulty  in  recollecting  the  occasion.  It  is  the 
duty  of  the  gentleman  to  recall  a  previous  introduction. 
He  may  say,  "I  think  I  have  had  the  pleasure  of  meeting 
Miss  Stone  last  week,"  or,  "Miss  Stone  and  I  have  already 
been  introduced."  If  two  ladies  are  presented  to  each 
other  for  the  second  time,  the  younger  or  unmarried  one 
incurs  the  duty  of  recalling  the  first  introduction.  **I 
have  already  met  Mrs.  Jessup,"  is  a  form  that  may  be 
used  on  any  occasion. 

INTRODUCING    AT    DINNER 

At  a  formal  or  informal  dinner,  the  host  and  hostess 
must  make  all  guests  known  to  one  another  before  leading 
the  company  to  the  table.  It  is  neither  graceful  nor  good 
form  to  introduce  after  the  guests  are  seated. 

The  secret  of  correct  introduction  at  dinner  is  to  avoid 
ftU  obvious  effort  to  present  certain  guests  to  one  another. 
For  instance,  it  is  not  the  best  form  to  interrupt  a  con- 
versation and  draw  a  young  man  to  another  part  of  the 
room  to  present  him  to  a  young  lady.  Nor  is  it  necessary 
for  the  hostess  to  incommode  herself  by  rising,  during  the 
course  of  the  dinner,  to  greet  a  late-comer  and  make  him 
known  to  the  other  guests.  She  may  merely  nod  to  him, 
accept  his  excuse  for  tardiness  with  a  gracious  smile  or 
word  of  welcome,  and  retain  all  introductions  until  later 
in  the  evening  when  the  guests  have  assembled  in  the 
drawing-room. 

Sometimes,  at  a  very  large  formal  dinner,  it  is  not 
possible  for  the  host  and  hostess  to  introduce  every  guest. 


128  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

In  this  case  it  is  necessary  to  introduce  only  the  gentle- 
men and  ladies  who  are  to  go  in  together  to  table.  Later, 
when  the  ladies  gather  in  the  drawing-room,  the  clever 
hostess  will  contrive  to  make  all  her  guests  known  to  each 
other;  and  when  the  gentlemen  join  them  after  their  cigars, 
both  host  and  hostess  may  adroitly  conclude  the  intro- 
ductions. However,  it  is  also  good  form  for  the  host  to 
make  his  complete  introductions  while  the  gentlemen  are 
having  their  after-dinner  smoke  and  chat,  and  for  the 
hostess  to  make  her  introductions  in  the  drawing  room 
among  the  ladies.  The  gentlemen  may  then  be  presented 
to  the  ladies  during  the  course  of  the  evening. 

If  there  is  a  distinguished  guest,  or  a  guest  of  honor, 
for  whom  the  dinner  is  given,  all  guests  must  be  presented 
to  him  at  some  time  during  the  evening.  If  the  introduc- 
tions cannot  be  completely  achieved  before  dinner,  the 
host  and  hostess  may  continue  them  when  the  guests  re- 
assemble in  the  drawing  room. 

INTEODUCING    AT    THE    DANCE 

When  a  ball  or  dance  is  given  in  honor  of  a  debutante 
daughter,  or  in  honor  of  a  visiting  guest,  the  hostess,  on 
receiving  her  guests,  presents  them  to  the  honored  person 
who  stands  at  her  side.  During  the  course  of  the  dance 
itself,  the  host  and  hostess,  as  well  as  the  members  of  their 
family,  make  all  the  introductions  they  can  without  incon- 
veniencing either  their  guests  or  themselves. 

At  a  private  dance  the  host  and  hostess  must  constantly 
contrive  to  present  gentlemen  to  ladies,  so  that  there  will 
always  be  new  partners  for  each  dance.  If  it  is  a  very 
small  dance,  the  strictly  formal  introduction  is  rarely 
performed ;  the  girls  introduce  their  partners  to  their  par- 


INTRODUCTIONS  129 

ticular  friends,  and  the  young  men  presen ':  their  friends  tt» 
their  partners  without  asking  permission  to  do  so. 

At  a  very  large,  formal  ball  or  dance,  it  is  good  form 
to  ask  permission  of  a  lady  before  presenting  a  gentleman 
to  her.  It  is  certainly  the  safest  and  most  satisfactory 
way,  and  reflects  good  taste  and  courtesy  both  on  the 
part  of  the  gentleman  who  wishes  to  be  introduced  and 
the  gentleman  who  is  the  medium  of  introduction. 

The  gentleman  who  escorts  a  lady  to  a  dance  has  a  very 
distinct  duty  with  regard  to  introductions.  He  must  prfr» 
sent  to  her,  at  various  intervals  during  the  dance,  as  many 
of  his  masculine  friends  as  he  feels  she  would  welcome 
as  partners.  At  a  public  ball,  he  invariably  asks  her  per- 
mission to  make  these  introductions,  as  he  does  also  at  a 
very  large  formal  ball.  But  if  the  young  lady  is  a  friend 
of  long  standing,  and  his  own  comrades  personal  friendit 
for  whom  he  can  vouch,  it  is  not  necessary  to  request 
formally  the  lady's  permission  before  making  the  intro- 
ductions. 

At  public  balls,  the  reception  committee  presents  each 
guest  to  the  guest  of  honor.  If  there  is  no  guest  of  honor, 
the  committee  merely  welcomes  the  guests,  and  leaves  the 
duty  of  introduction  to  chaperons  and  escorts.  Patron- 
esses and  reception  committees  are  not  obligated  in  any 
way  to  make  introductions  at  subscriptions  or  public  balls, 
though  it  often  helps  to  make  the  affair  more  pleasant 
when  they  take  part  in  presentations. 

INTEODUCING   AT    KECEPTIONS 

The  hostess  of  an  afternoon  or  evening  reception  pre- 
sents each  guest  who  arrives  to  the  guest  of  honor  or 
debutante  daughter,  who  stands  at  her  side  and  receives 


180  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

with  her.  She  may  not  leave  her  post  at  the  door  to  make 
introductions,  but  she  may  present  as  many  guests  to 
one  another  as  is  possible  without  leaving  her  place. 

The  wise  hostess  always  has  several  feminine  members 
of  her  family  to  assist  her  in  making  guests  known  to  one 
another.  These  young  women  may  introduce  any  stran- 
gers in  the  company.  The  ladies  in  charge  of  the  refresh- 
ments in  the  dining  room  may  also  speak  without  intro- 
duction to  guests  of  either  sex,  in  order  to  offer  tea, 
chocolate  or  bonbons.  They  are  privileged  to  make  intro- 
ductions whenever  it  is  in  their  power  to  do  so. 

A  committee  is  usually  appointed  to  receive  the  guests 
at  a  public  reception.  The  committee,  or  part  of  it, 
stands  by  the  door  to  receive  each  guest  formally,  and 
introductions  are  made  merely  by  having  a  liveried  serv- 
ant announce  the  name  in  a  loud,  clear  voice.  The  guest 
bows  to  the  committee,  and  considers  himself  introduced. 
Then  the  committee  may  be  addressed  by  the  stranger 
who  desires  further  introductions  to  other  guests.  It  is 
important,  at  these  public  receptions  that  the  committee 
in  charge  perform  as  nearly  as  possible  the  duty  of  host 
and  hostess. 

SPEAKING    WITHOUT    INTEODUCTION 

Some  people  who  pride  themselves  upon  being  well-bred 
make  themselves  appear  actually  ludicrous  by  being  higlily 
indignant  when  addressed  by  someone  to  whom  they  have 
not  been  introduced.  Surely  in  this  world  of  good-fellow- 
ship and  open-hearted  friendliness  it  is  ridiculous  to  seal 
one's  mouth  and  be  aloof,  merely  because  one  has  not  been 
formally  presented! 

There  is,  for  instance,  the  gentleman  one  sits  next  to  one 


INTRODUCTIONS  131 

on  the  steamer  deck.  A  lady,  of  course,  may  not  on  any 
condition  address  a  gentleman  whom  she  does  not  know, 
nor  may  a  gentleman  address  a  lady  who  is  a  stranger 
to  him.  But  when  two  men  are  sitting  side-by-side  on  a 
steamer  deck,  both  glorying  in  the  solemn  dignity  of  the 
sea,  and  the  wide  expanse  of  sky,  it  would  be  petty  indeed 
to  refrain  from  conversation.  If  a  friendship  is  to  be  de- 
veloped later,  a  formal  introduction  may  be  sought;  but 
for  the  present,  though  they  have  never  been  presented  to 
each  other,  the  men  may  enjoy  a  conversation  without 
feeling  that  they  are  trespassing  beyond  the  boundaries 
of  etiquette. 

Similarly,  the  lady  traveling  across  country  may  com- 
ment upon  the  splendid  open  stretches  of  country,  the 
hazy  impressiveness  of  the  mountains  in  the  distance 
and  the  surprising  beauty  of  the  train's  smoke  against 
the  azure  sky,  to  the  lady  sitting  opposite  her,  even 
though  they  have  never  been  introduced.  And  they  may 
carry  on  quite  a  delightful  conversation  without  being 
formally  presented  to  each  other. 

There  can  be  nothing  quite  as  shallow  as  refusing  to 
answer,  or  answering  coldly,  the  person  who  addresses 
you  in  a  spirit  of  friendliness,  merely  because  there  have 
been  no  formal  introductions.  One  must  have  vision 
enough  to  see  that  what  is  correct  in  the  ballroom  would 
be  strained  and  narrow  in  the  shadow  of  the  huge  moun- 
tains where  men  and  women  of  every  social  standing  gather 
to  enjoy  the  same  glorious  bigness  of  things. 

INTBODUCING    CHILDEEN 

It  is  important  for  children  to  be  taught  early  the 
sdgnificance   and   value   of   formal   introductiors.      But 


132  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

parents  must  carefully  avoid  all  suggestion  of  snobbish- 
ness in  their  young  sons  and  daughters.  There  is  an 
amusing  story  related  of  a  certain  little  English  lad  who 
was  visiting  in  America  with  his  father,  who  happened 
to  be  a  member  of  the  House  of  Lords.  The  youngster 
had  a  well  developed  case  of  snobbishness. 

At  an  afternoon  reception  given  in  honor  of  his  father, 
the  boy  was  introduced  to  several  young  Americans,  in- 
vited especially  for  his  benefit.  During  the  course  of 
the  afternoon,  the  hostess  noticed  that  he  was  sitting 
off  to  one  side,  avoiding  the  other  young  guests.  When 
she  spoke  to  him  about  it,  and  asked  him  why  he  didn't 
join  the  other  young  people,  he  remarked  stiffly:  "In 
England,  the  son  of  a  member  of  the  House  of  Lords  does 
not  associate  with  commoners !"  While  the  father  crim- 
soned, the  Httle  American  guests  laughed  in  amusement. 
And  a  newspaper  correspondent  who  was  present  enjoyed 
the  humor  of  the  situation  so  keenly  that  he  devoted  a 
whole  column  to  it. 

A  well-bred  child  introduces  his  or  her  small  friend  to 
older  persons  by  saying,  "Mrs.  Thoir.pson,  this  is  my 
sister  Ray,"  or,  "Mother,  may  I  present  my  schoolmate. 
Bob,  to  you?"  Children  should  be  taught  not  to  use 
stilted,  unnatural  phrases.  Their  introductions  should 
be  easy  and  natural.  A  child  introducing  his  young 
cousin  to  a  friend  would  say,  "Bob,  this  is  my  cousin, 
Ralph."  When  introduced  to  an  adult,  the  properly 
trained  cliild  waits  for  the  elder  to  speak  first.  If  some 
expression  of  pleasure  at  the  meeting  is  made,  the  child 
may  say,  "Thank  you,  Mrs.  Anderson." 

A  parent  would  introduce  her  daughter  in  this  manner : 
"Mrs.  Brown,  tliis  is  my  little  daughter  Anne,"  or,  "Mrs. 
Brown,  my  boy  John  wishes  to  be  presented  to  you." 


INTRODUCTIONS  133 

Ildren  should  be  introduced  to  each  other  in  a  casual 
way,  for  strained  introductions  cause  them  to  feel  ill  at 
ease  in  one  another's  company,  "Harry,  this  is  John 
Brown.  I  am  sure  you  will  enjoy  hearing  all  about  his 
new  pony,"  or,  "Mary,  Bob  wants  to  tell  you  about  some- 
thing funny  that  happened  at  school  the  other  day."  The 
simple  expression,  "How  do  you  do,"  is  always  best  for 
children  who  are  acknowledging  introductions. 


CORDIAI.ITY    IN    INTEODUCTIONS 

With  the  passing  of  the  ridiculous  half-finger  hand- 
shake, with  the  arm  extended  upward  and  the  wrist  bent 
awkwardly,  introductions  have  become  more  cordial  and 
sincere.  Which  is  entirely  as  it  should  be.  Too  many 
people  go  through  the  ceremony  of  an  introduction  merely 
as  a  matter  of  duty,  without  realizing  its  portent  in  the 
matter  of  friendship  and  future  acquaintance. 

We  have  all  met  the  man  or  woman  who  nods  stiffly  in 
acknowledgment  of  an  introduction,  and  offers  some  stere- 
otyped expression  of  welcome.  And  we  have  all  met  the 
man  or  woman  who  smiles  warmly,  offers  a  sincere  hand- 
clasp, and  acknowledges  the  introduction  so  cordially 
that  one  feels  entirely  at  ease.  In  the  latter  case,  a  brief 
acquaintance  usually  ripens  into  friendship,  while  in  the 
former  instance,  one  is  inclined  to  forget  promptly  the 
one  to  whom  the  introduction  has  been  made. 

The  next  time  you  are  introduced  to  a  stranger,  smile 
sincerely,  make  your  handclasp  warm  and  firm,  put  cordi- 
ality into  your  welcome  and  see  how  your  new  acquaint- 
ance responds !  The  correct  introduction  alone  is  not 
the  comer-stone  of  friendship;  but  the  correct  introduc- 


134  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

tion  that  is  also  cordial  opens  the  door  to  friendships 
that  perhaps  are  sealed  to  every  other  effort. 

Whether  you  are  making  an  introduction  or  acknowl- 
edging one,  be  sure  that  it  is  both  correct  and  cordial. 


CHAPTER  n 
LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION 

THE    LETTEB    OF    INTKODUCTION 

Letters  of  introduction  should  be  drawn  only  on  rela- 
tives, or  on  very  close  friends.  It  is  not  considered  en- 
tirely ethical  to  introduce  by  a  letter  an  individual  of 
whom  the  writer  knows  very  little,  or  toward  whom  the 
writer  is  not  especially  friendly.  It  is  also  scarcely  good 
form  to  ask  for  a  letter  of  introduction ;  the  truly  cultured 
person  will  depend  upon  the  kind  impulses  of  a  friend  or 
relative  to  recognize  the  need  for  such  presentation. 

Care  should  be  exerted  in  the  issuing  of  these  letters. 
Some  people,  because  they  have  not  sufficient  will-power 
to  refuse  a  direct  request,  will  issue  such  a  letter  to  a 
person  whom  they  hardly  know,  and  for  whose  character 
they  cannot  vouch.  Thus  they  are  forced  to  send  a 
private  letter  to  the  person  to  whom  the  letter  of  intro- 
duction is  addressed,  explaining  that  the  stranger  is  really 
not  very  well  known  to  them,  and  that  perhaps  the  hostess 
had  better  find  out  more  about  him,  or  her.  This  always 
causes  an  embarrassing  and  uncomfortable  situation ;  it  is 
always  better  to  refuse  frankly,  unless  one  knows  the 
man  or  woman  and  is  willing  to  endorse  him  heartily  and 
sincerely. 

A  letter  of  introduction  should  be  brief,  concise  and 
free  from  matters  of  personal  or  private  interest.  If  the 
bearer  of  the  letter  is  in  mourning,  or  has  suffered  some 

135 


186  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

recent  grief  or  loss,  or  if  he  is  the  victim  of  unhappy 
circumstances  or  peculiar  prejudices,  a  private  letter 
should  be  sent  to  the  person  to  whom  the  letter  is  ad- 
dressed, explaining  the  situation.  This  does  not  hold 
true  when  the  stranger  has  some  special  mission  to  per- 
form; in  this  case,  the  explanation  is  written  directly  in 
the  original  letter  of  introduction. 

A  note  of  introduction  rarely  covers  more  than  a  page 
or  a  page  and  a  half  of  medium-size  note  paper,  and  it 
should  be  confined  strictly  to  the  presentation  of  the 
person  in  whose  behalf  it  is  written.  Nothing  irrelevant, 
such  as  inquiry  regarding  the  health  of  certain  people  of 
mutual  acquaintance,  or  of  domestic  interest,  should  be 
included.    The  letter  is  placed  in  an  unsealed  envelope. 

PaESENTING    THE    I>ETTEB. 

Usually  letters  of  introduction  are  not  presented  in 
person,  but  sent  with  the  card  of  the  man  or  woman  to  be 
introduced.  This  relieves  the  ceremony  of  that  awkward- 
ness which  usually  follows  when  someone  presents  a  letter 
of  introduction  and  waits  while  it  is  being  read.  If  one 
does  not  wish  to  send  it  through  the  mails,  the  letter 
may  be  left  with  one's  card  at  the  door  of  the  one  to  whom 
it  is  addressed. 

When  the  letter  of  introduction  is  from  a  gentleman 
to  a  lady,  or  rather  when  the  letter  introduces  a  gentle- 
man to  a  lady,  he  invariably  calls  in  the  afternoon  and 
sends  up  the  letter  with  his  card.  If  the  lady  is  not  at 
home,  he  may  slip  the  card  into  the  same  envelope  as  the 
letter,  and  leave  it  with  the  servant  to  be  delivered.  A 
gentleman  also  calls  to  present  a  letter  of  introduction 
to  a  member  of  his  own  sex. 


LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION  137 

A  woman  who  wishes  to  present  a  letter  of  introduction 
to  another  woman,  calls  personally  and  leaves  the  letter 
with  her  own  card,  or  slips  her  card  into  the  envelope, 
seals  it,  and  sends  it  through  the  mails.  Either  method 
of  presentation  is  correct.  However,  when  the  letter  is 
addressed  to  a  gentleman,  she  does  not  call,  unless  it  is 
some  very  special  and  unusual  occasion,  but  trusts  the 
letter  to  the  mails  for  safe  delivery. 

) 

ACKNOWLEDGING   A   I.ETTER    OF    INTKODUCTION 

A  letter  of  introduction  requires  immediate  recognition 
in  some  form.  Either  a  call  or  an  invitation  should  be 
made  within  three  or  four  days.  If  it  is  impossible  to 
honor  a  letter  of  introduction  by  the  usual  form  of  visit- 
ing or  entertaining  then  it  is  absolutely  essential  that  a 
prompt  and  adequate  explanation  should  be  written  to 
the  author  and  bearer  of  the  letter. 

Ordinarily,  when  the  bearer  of  a  letter  of  introduction 
is  a  woman,  a  call  is  made  within  three  days.  This  call 
is  followed  by  the  offer  of  some  hospitality,  usually  a 
luncheon  or  tea.  A  gentleman  calls  upon  a  lady  or  upon 
another  gentleman  as  soon  as  he  receives  a  letter  of  intro- 
duction. But  a  lady,  instead  of  making  a  call,  sends  an 
invitation  to  the  gentleman  who  is  introduced  to  her  by 
means  of  a  letter. 

Any  delay  in  acknowledging  a  letter  of  introduction  is 
uncivil,  both  to  the  person  who  wrote  the  letter  and  the  one 
being  introduced.  If  one  is  invalided,  a  short  note  should 
be  written  explaining  why  a  call  cannot  be  made,  and 
arranging  for  a  meeting  as  early  as  circumstances  permit. 
But  to  wait  a  week  or  two  before  acknowledging  a  letter 


188  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

of  introduction,  and  then  writing  to  explain,  is  to  show 
lack  of  good  breeding  and  ignorance  of  the  laws  of  good 
conduct. 

It  is  a  mark  of  courtesy  to  write  to  the  person  who 
brought  about  the  acquaintance  with  a  new  friend  by 
means  of  a  letter  of  introduction,  thanking  him  or  her  for 
the  note  that  inspired  the  friendship. 


MODEL   XETTEES    OF    INTRODTTCTION 

A  letter  of  introduction  should  be  simple  and  to  the 
point.  It  should  also  be  friendly,  cordial  and  explana- 
tory. It  is  placed  in  a  single  envelope,  unsealed,  with  the 
full  name  and  address  of  the  person  to  whom  the  bearer 
is  introduced.  Here  are  some  letters  that  are  offered 
merely  as  suggestions.  Of  course  they  may  be  changed 
and  added  to,  to  meet  certain  conditions : 


New  Haven,  Corm., 

March  Jf.,  19 — 
My  dear  Mrs,  Brown: 

This  will  introduce  to  yoti  Miss  Rose  Johnson 
of  Camden,  New  Jersey,  who  intends  staying  in 
your  charming  city  during  December  and 
January. 

I  have  known  Miss  Johnson  for  three  years, 
and  feel  sure  that  you  will  find  pleasure  in 
her  company. 

With  warmest  personal  regards,  I  am 
Sincerely  yours, 

Margaret  F.  Dowe. 


LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION  139 

New  York,  N.  F., 

April  Jf-y  19 — 
Dear  Traverse 

The  bearer  of  this  note,  Mr.  Robert  Duncajiy 
of  Chicago,  plans  to  be  in  your  town  for  two 
months.  Besides  being  a  personal  friend  of 
mine,  he  is  the  advertising  manager  of  the  Good- 
field  Company  in  Los  Angeles,  and  knowing  as  I 
do  how  interested  you  are  in  advertising,  I  feel 
that  you  would  like  to  know  him. 

You  will  find  him  good  company  everywhere,  I 
think,  for  he  not  only  talks  entertainingly  but  he 
plays  tennis  and  golf  and  bridge  and  plays  tliem 
•well.  I  hope  that  you  will  be  able  to  help  him 
enjoy  his  stay  in  Madison. 

With  kindest  regards  to  Mrs.  Travers,  I  am 

Cordially  yours. 
Bob  Westely. 


Baltimore,  Md., 
Oct.  19,  19— 
My  dear  Mrs.  Rowell: 

It  gives  me  great  pleasure  to  present  to  you 
Mr.  Raymond  Gordon,  the  bearer  of  this  note, 
with  whom  I  have  been  associated  in  business  and 
socially  for  many  years.  Business  takes  him  to 
Baltimore,  where  he  is  an  entire  stranger.  I  will 
personally  appreciate  any  kindness  you  may 
show  him,  during  his  stay  there. 

Yours  most  sincerely, 

Robert  S.  Balfour, 


140  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

THE    CARD    OF    INTRODUCTION 

Very  often  a  card  of  introduction,  instead  of  a  letter, 
is  issued.  The  letter  is  preferred  in  the  case  of  speciai 
friends,  as  it  conveys  a  certain  courtesy  that  the  strictly 
formal  card  lacks.  Yet  the  card  is  no  less  powerful  an 
agent  in  soliciting  and  securing  civilities  for  a  man  or 
woman  in  a  strange  town.  Its  place  is  in  the  business 
rather  than  the  social  world,  where  often  it  is  the 
means  of  securing  an  interview  which  it  would  be  almost 
impossible  to  get  without  some  kind  of  endorsement. 

The  card  of  introduction  consists  merely  of  a  visiting 
card  with  the  name  of  the  person  to  be  introduced  writteii 
above  that  of  the  sender.  A  card  so  prepared  should  be 
placed  in  a  card  envelope,  left  unsealed,  and  addressed 
to  the  person  to  whom  the  introduction  is  to  be  made« 
The  words  which  appear  at  the  top  of  the  card  are  written 
also  at  the  extreme  bottom  of  the  envelope,  either  below 
the  address  or  in  the  left-hand  comer. 

Here  is  a  typical  visiting  card,  inscribed  correctly  with 
the  name  and  address  of  the  medium  of  introduction,  and 
bearing  the  correct  introduction  above  the  name: 

Introducing  Miss  Rose  M.  Roberts 
Mr.  Charles  Hanson  Morton 
■  28  West  18th  St. 


BUSINESS    INTRODUCTIONS 

The  man  who  values  his  good  name  among  his  business 
associates  will  not  give  letters  of  introduction  indiscrimi- 
nately.   There  are  no  special  rules  governing  such  letters 


LETTERS  OF  INTRODUCTION  141 

in  the  business  world  beyond  those  of  the  social  world.  It 
is  very  annoying  to  a  busy  man  to  have  to  interrupt  liis 
work  to  make  himself  agreeable  to  all  sorts  and  conditions 
of  men  who  may  come  bearing  missives  which  give  them 
entrance.  People  should  remember  this  in  giving  letters 
of  introduction  and  should  absolutely  refuse  unless  they 
feel  sure  that  something  of  mutual  benefit  may  arise 
from  the  meeting.  To  give  a  letter  of  introduction  for 
the  same  reason  that  one  sometimes  buys  goods  of  a  per- 
sistent agent — to  get  rid  of  liim — is  a  very  poor  way  out 
of  the  difficulty. 

It  is  permissible  to  ask  for  a  letter  of  introduction  to  a 
business  man  if  the  person  from  whom  it  is  requested 
is  a  good  friend  and  the  person  who  asks  for  it  has  an 
excellent  reason  for  doing  so.  Of  course  it  is  much  better 
when  the  letter  comes  as  a  free-will  offering,  for  there  is 
no  possibility  of  having  to  meet  with  a  refusal.  A  refusal 
to  grant  a  letter  should  not  anger  the  person  who  asked 
for  it,  and  the  person  who  feels  compelled  to  deny  the 
request  should  give  a  courteous  reason — there  is  usually 
such  a  reason — for  doing  so. 


CHAPTER  ni 
CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS 

THE    BEGINNING    OF    SOCIAIi    CALIFS 

The  origin  of  the  "social"  call  dates  from  the  Stone 
Age,  when  the  head  of  a  family  used  to  leave  a  roughly 
carv'ed  block  of  stone  at  the  door  of  another,  as  an 
expression  of  good-will  and  friendship.  The  most  marked 
development  in  calls  and  visiting  is  traced  among  the 
Orientals,  and  especially  the  Chinese.  In  China,  even  to- 
day, the  social  call  is  practically  a  sacred  ceremony,  and 
it  is  only  the  very  lowest  coolie  who  does  not  pay  regular 
calls  upon  his  friends  and  neighbors. 

It  is  contrary  to  the  American  ideal  to  develop  or  en- 
courage highly  complicated  social  ceremonies,  and  even 
the  most  formal  call  in  this  country  to-day  is  simply  a 
meeting  of  good  friends.  With  the  rush  of  modem  life 
and  the  multitudinous  opportunities  which  it  offers  for 
diversion  and  instruction  there  is  a  tendency  to  neglect 
one's  social  calls.  It  is  a  great  pity,  for  nothing  is 
quite  so  precious  as  one's  friends,  and  was  it  not  Emerson 
who  said,  "Go  often  to  the  house  of  thy  friend  for  weeds 
choke  the  unused  path"? 

WHEN    CALI.S    ARE    MADE 

In  the  city,  formal  calls  are  made  between  four  and  six 
o'clock  in  the  afternoon.     Morning  calls  are  considered 

142 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  143 

informal  in  the  city;  they  are  made  only  to  transact 
business,  or  by  special  appointment.  Only  a  very  intimate 
friend  is  privileged  to  call  in  the  morning  merely  for 
social  purposes. 

Women  rarely  call  in  the  evening,  unless  it  is  a  friendly 
informal  visit.  Men  may  make  formal  evening  visits  both 
in  the  city  and  country.  In  the  city  they  may  call  as 
early  as  eight  o'clock  or  as  late  as  half-past  nine.  It  is 
not  in  good  taste  to  call  very  late  in  the  evening,  especially 
in  the  country  where  the  retiring  hour  is  early.  It  is  per- 
fectly correct  for  a  woman  who  is  at  business  during  the 
day  to  pay  her  calls  during  the  early  part  of  the  evening. 

Morning  calls  in  the  country  may  be  made  between 
half-past  ten  and  one  o'clock.  Both  men  and  women 
should  observe  these  hours.  It  is  only  in  the  centers  of 
formal  and  fashionable  society,  where  luncheon  is  usually 
served  at  one  o'clock  that  morning  calls  are  reserved  for 
occasions  of  business. 

When  a  call  is  paid  for  the  purpose  of  condolence,  or  of 
inquiring  after  a  sick  friend,  no  special  hour  need  be 
observed,  as  the  caller  rarely  advances  beyond  the 
threshold  of  the  front  door.  Before  calling  on  a  friend 
in  a  hospital  one  should  ascertain  the  hours  during  which 
visitors  are  allowed. 

THE  PROPER  LENGTH  OF  A  CALL 

Never  prolong  a  call  until  it  becomes  a  relief  to  depart 
' — both  for  3^ou  and  your  hostess.  This  is  not  irrelevant, 
nor  is  it  too  severe.  There  are  many  people  who  do  not 
know  when  to  depart,  and  simply  because  they  are  afraid 
of  leaving  too  early  and  offending  the  hostess,  they  pro- 
long the  visit  unduly  and  depend  upon  gossip  and  forced 


144  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

conversation  to  pass  the  time.  It  is  not  good  taste  to 
make  a  call  that  lasts  ten  minutes ;  but  it  is  certainly  no 
better  to  make  one  that  lasts  three  hours. 

When  a  first  and  formal  call  is  paid,  fifteen  or  twenty 
minutes  is  the  usual  time  for  exchanging  civilities,  and 
for  making  a  graceful  exit.  The  ordinary  formal  call  may 
be  extended  from  a  quarter  to  three-quarters  of  an  hour. 
A  friendly  call  may  be  continued  an  hour,  and  sometimes 
an  hour  and  a  half. 

Calls  of  inquiry,  condolence  and  information  should 
never  be  prolonged  longer  than  is  required  to  obtain  the 
information  required.  Calls  of  condolence  should  be 
made  especially  short,  as  it  is  a  mark  of  inconsideratioa 
to  force  oneself  on  a  hostess  who  is  suffering  a  recent 
bereavement. 

THE    DAY    AT    HOME 

Calls  should  always  be  paid  on  the  hostess'  day  at  home, 
if  possible.  It  is  always  more  complimentary  and  con- 
siderate to  observe  a  day  at  home  than  to  call  on  an  after- 
noon when  the  hostess  does  not  expect  you. 

In  large  cities  and  fashionable  circles,  it  is  customary 
for  every  hostess  to  issue  at-home  cards,  giving  the  day 
and  hour,  or  just  the  day,  when  she  will  be  at  home  to 
visitors.  These  are  issued  to  all  her  friends  and  acquaint- 
ances and  they  are  expected  to  make  their  social  calls, 
calls  of  congratulation,  calls  of  appreciation — all  calls 
except  those  that  have  to  do  with  business — on  that  after- 
noon. 

Sunday  calls  are  now  considered  informal.  In  small 
towns  and  country  neighborhoods  they  may  be  made  after 
church  or  in  the  evening,  but  in  large  cities  formal  visit* 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  145 

are  rarely  made  on  Sunday.  Here  again  men  (and  busi- 
ness women)  enjoy  a  special  privilege;  they  may  make 
their  formal  calls  any  aftemon  or  evening  of  the  week, 
Sunday  not  excepted.  Perhaps  this  is  only  fair,  as  the 
American  man,  and  many  of  the  American  women,  have 
their  mornings  and  afternoons  completely  absorbed  by  the 
exactions  of  their  business. 

DRESS    FOE    CAI^IiS 

In  making  business  calls  a  woman  should  wear  street 
dress  of  the  most  simple  and  conservative  type.  For  her 
social  calls  also  she  should  wear  street  attire,  but  it  need 
not  be  so  severe  as  for  business  purposes.  Especially  if 
she  is  to  go  by  public  conveyance  she  should  be  careful 
not  to  make  herself  conspicuous  by  her  dress.  The  hostess 
is  always  more  or  less  informally  dressed  unless  her  at 
home  takes  on  the  proportions  of  a  reception,  in  which 
case  she  wears  an  elaborate  reception  gown. 

Men  seldom  pay  calls,  and  when  they  do,  for  the  most 
part,  they  wear  ordinary  business  suits  unless  the  occa- 
sion is  one  of  importance.  Formal  evening  calls  require 
formal  evening  dress. 

PAYING    THE    FIEST    CAUj 

In  the  country,  all  newcomers  wait  until  they  are  called 
tipon  before  calling  or  leaving  cards.  Formerly,  calls 
were  paid  only  upon  those  newcomers  who  were  in  one's 
immediate  neighborhood,  but  now  motoring  has  greatly 
increased  the  area  of  visiting.  Thus,  when  a  newcomer 
builds  or  rents  a  home  within  easy  motoring  distance,  one 
must  feel  obligated  to  call  and  leave  cards. 


146  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Brides  also  wait  to  receive  first  calls.  Neighbors  and 
friends  are  expected  to  call  and  leave  cards  immediately 
upon  the  return  from  the  honeymoon.  It  is  the  particular 
duty  of  all  wedding  guests  to  call  promptly  as  soon  as 
the  bride  announces  her  return. 

When  a  lady  comes  to  visit  a  friend  in  another  town,  it 
is  the  duty  of  all  friends  of  the  hostess  to  make  the  first 
call.  It  is  also  the  rule  for  women  who  have  been  enter- 
tained in  a  friend's  house  in  the  country  to  be  the  first 
to  call  on  that  friend  immediately  upon  her  return  to 
town.  Where  there  is  no  indebtedness  of  this  kind  and 
when  two  women  arrive  home  from  their  respective  summer 
vacations  at  about  the  same  time,  it  is  customary  for  the 
younger  to  make  the  first  call  upon  the  older. 

The  matter  of  paying  the  first  call  is  often  a  very  deli- 
cate one.  Frequently  sensitive  people  are  offended  by 
some  unconscious  slight  on  the  part  of  a  friend.  The 
following  rules  will  help  those  who  are  in  doubt,  and  who 
are  anxious  to  follow  the  correct  usage,  and  thus  avoid 
blunders  that  may  result  in  broken  friendships. 

An  unmarried  woman  always  pays  the  first  call  of 
the  season  upon  a  matron.  The  elder  of  two  women  is 
entitled  to  the  first  visit.  This  same  rule  holds  true 
among  men,  when  the  question  of  the  formal  call  arises. 
In  large  cities,  when  the  recognized  winter  period  for 
exchanging  formal  calls  opens,  very  little  attention  is 
paid  to  the  matter  of  the  first  calls  of  the  season.  It  is 
usually  dependent  upon  convenience  and  inclination  of 
individuals,  and  upon  the  settling  of  an  at-home  day. 
Sometimes  women  who  are  exceptionally  punctilious  make 
their  first  calls  with  reference  to  courtesies  extended  or 
received  in  the  foregoing  season.  Thus,  they  refer  to 
their  calling  lists  of  the  preceding  winter,  in  deciding  on 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  147 

whom  to  make  the  first  calls.     However,  this  is  entirely 
in  the  hands  of  the  individual. 


CAILS    OF    OBLIGATION 

There  are  certain  obligatory  calls  that  must  be  made,  if 
one  wishes  to  be  in  accord  with  the  laws  of  etiquette.  These 
are  sometimes  referred  to  as  "duty  calls.'*  For  instance, 
it  is  essential  for  all  wedding  guests,  bridesmaids,  ushers, 
and  for  the  best  man,  maid  of  honor  and  matron  of  honor 
to  call  on  the  bride's  mother  within  three  weeks  after  her 
daughter's  wedding.  They  must  also  call  upon  the  bride 
as  soon  as  she  returns  from  her  honeymoon.  If  the  wed- 
ding was  held  at  the  home  of  a  sister  or  other  relative,  the 
call  is  made  to  the  lady  who  acted  in  the  capacity  of  host- 
ess. The  guests  at  a  home  wedding,  wedding  reception 
or  breakfast,  are  also  obligated  to  call  on  the  bride's 
mother,  and  on  the  bride  herself,  in  due  course. 

It  is  distinctly  important  for  all  guests,  both  men  and 
women,  at  a  formal  dinner  to  call  upon  the  hostess  within 
two  or,  at  the  most,  three  weeks  after  the  dinner.  This 
holds  true  even  if  the  invitation  was  not  accepted.  The 
dinner  call  should  be  paid  promptly ;  if  a  man  or  woman 
who  has  not  accepted  an  invitation  to  dinner  does  not  call 
within  three  weeks,  the  hostess  has  every  reason  to  be- 
lieve that  he,  or  she,  does  not  desire  her  friendship  and 
hospitality.  This  same  holds  true  of  balls,  suppers,  par- 
ties and  receptions.  Not  to  accept  an  invitation,  and  not 
to  call,  is  a  gross  incivility  and  reflects  upon  the  good  man- 
ners of  the  person  who  has  neglected  to  make  the  obliga- 
tory call. 

Duty  calls  are  necessary  after  formal  luncheons  or 
breakfasts,   and  after  musicales,  theater  parties,  opera 


14S  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

parties,  garden  parties,  and  after  attending  a  christening. 
Such  a  call  should  be  made  within  the  two  weeks  following 
the  event. 

Other  obligatory  calls  are  made  both  before  and  after  a 
funeral.  The  first  call  is  merely  a  matter  of  card-leaving, 
unless  one  is  an  intimate  friend  of  the  bereaved  family. 
After  the  funeral  a  call  of  condolence  should  be  made. 

A  hostess  who  follows  the  laws  of  good  society  to  the 
letter,  invariably  calls  on  a  new  acquaintance  before  offer- 
ing her  any  hospitality,  or  before  issuing  any  invitations 
to  her.  Other  calls  that  are  a  matter  of  obligation  are 
those  of  inquiry  regarding  a  friend's  health,  of  congratula- 
tion to  parents  on  the  birth  of  a  child,  and  of  congratula- 
tion to  the  young  lady  who  has  announced  her  engage- 
ment. All  these  calls  are  social  necessities,  and  the  man 
or  woman  who  is  well-bred  never  neglects  them. 

ABOUT    EETURNING    CAI.LS 

It  is  of  the  utmost  importance  that  calls  be  promptly 
returned.  But  perhaps  the  most  exacting  of  all  is  the 
first  call.  To  neglect  to  return  it  within  two  weeks,  or 
three  at  the  most,  or  to  explain  by  letter  why  it  cannot 
be  returned,  is  to  indicate  tacitly  that  the  caller's  friend- 
ship is  not  desired.  This,  of  course,  is  an  extremely  rude 
and  inconsiderate  method  to  choose,  if  one  really  does 
not  desire  to  cultivate  a  certain  friendship,  for  there  are 
many  gracious  and  less  unkind  means  to  employ. 

A  bride,  or  a  visitor  in  a  neighborhood,  or  a  newcomer 
to  a  town,  should  not  let  more  than  ten  days,  or  at  the 
most  two  weeks,  elapse  before  returning  the  civilities  of 
their  new  neighbors.  The  first  call  of  a  new  acquaintance 
should  be  just  as  promptly  returned.    After  the  first  call 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  149 

is  returned,  it  depends  upon  the  individuals  concerned 
whether  a  friendship  shall  be  developed,  or  whether  a  "call- 
ing, acquaintance"  shall  be  kept  up.  (The  expression 
"calling  acquaintance"  is  used  to  indicate  the  custom  of 
ladies  calling  upon  each  other  once  or  twice  during  the 
year  as  a  social  duty,  rather  than  as  a  means  of  develop- 
ing friendship.) 

When  calls  are  exchanged  only  once  in  twelve  months 
it  is  an  indication  that  only  a  purely  formal  acquaintance 
exists  between  two  people.  But  when  two  women  are 
friends,  they  may  exchange  calls  at  intervals  of  three 
weeks  or  a  month,  and  sometimes  very  dear  friends  ex- 
change calls  every  week.  However,  in  this  latter  case  the 
calls  are  more  or  less  informal. 

Calls  of  condolence,  sympathy,  inquiry  and  congratula- 
lion  are  usually  answered  by  sending  cards  or  brief  notes 
to  the  caller.  Later,  on  issuing  from  mourning,  or  on 
recovery  of  health,  the  calls  of  condolence  and  inquiry 
may  be  returned,  but  it  is  not  entirely  necessary,  and 
depends  largely  upon  the  convenience  and  individual  de- 
sire of  the  person  on  whom  the  call  was  made. 

When  a  hostess  is  asked  to  invite  the  friends  of  her 
friends  to  a  reception  at  her  home,  she  is  not  obligated 
to  return  their  "calls  of  duty.'*  Nor  does  a  woman  return 
any  of  the  calls,  formal  or  informal,  of  her  gentlemen  ac- 
quaintances. When  one  woman  receives  a  call  from  an- 
other woman  who  bears  a  letter  of  introduction,  a  return 
call  must  be  made  promptly,  or  a  letter  of  explanation 
written  within  two  weeks  after  the  day  of  the  first  call. 
The  same  rule  is  observed  between  men. 

THE    CALIi    OF    CONDOLENCE 

It  should  be  remembered  that  no  hasty  intrusions  should 


150  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

ever  be  made  upon  grief.  It  shows  lack  of  good  taste 
and  extreme  inconsideration. 

Only  intimate  friends  of  a  bereaved  family,  or  of  one 
member  of  that  family,  call  for  any  length  of  time.  Others 
merely  leave  their  cards  with  cordial  inquiries  regarding 
the  health  and  spirits  of  the  members  of  the  family.  They 
may  forward  a  box  of  flowers,  including  their  personal 
card  in  the  box,  instead  of  calling  to  leave  a  card  in 
person.  But  when  the  formal  call  of  condolence  is  made, 
ten  days  or  two  weeks  after  the  funeral,  the  intimate 
friends  of  the  family  should  be  careful  to  avoid  all  subjects 
that  would  cause  pain  to  the  bereaved  ones.  They  should 
not,  unless  gifted  with  rare  tact,  make  any  reference  to 
the  death  but  should  rather  speak  of  cheerful  things. 
However,  it  may  be  necessary  to  give  some  word  of  sym- 
pathy either  upon  greeting  or  departure.  A  tactful  way 
to  greet  a  sorrowing  person  is  to  say  simply,  "I  have  called 
to  assure  you  of  my  sympathy."  The  subject  should 
then  be  dropped,  and  other  matters  discussed.  On  de- 
parture a  word  of  cheer  and  sympathy,  and  a  hearty 
warm  hand-clasp  go  a  long  way  towards  helping  matters. 

Calls  of  condolence  should  be  brief.  It  is  poor  form  to 
remain  longer  than  fifteen  minutes,  unless  one  is  a  par- 
ticularly intimate  friend  and  able  to  relieve  the  intensity 
of  grief  by  his  or  her  presence.  If  the  person  called 
upon  feels  the  loss  so  poignantly  that  he  or  she  cannot 
be  composed,  it  is  far  better  to  leave  a  cordial  note  at  the 
door  asking  to  be  excused  from  all  callers,  than  to  great 
them  and  cause  embarrassment  by  a  display  of  emotion. 
Persons  in  affliction  often  prefer  to  be  alone,  and  the  in- 
trusion of  anyone  except  their  very  dearest  friends  causes 
fresh  grief. 


CALLS  AND  CALIJNG  CUSTOMS  151 

THE    CALL    OF    CONGBATULATION    AND    INQUIBY 

Calls  of  congratulation  are  warranted  only  by  intimacy 
or  by  friendship  of  long  standing.  After  the  birth  of  a 
child,  feminine  friends  of  the  mother  incur  the  duty  of 
calling  upon  her  and  leaving  inquiries  about  her  own  and 
her  child's  health,  along  with  the  customary  congratula- 
tions. Friends  of  the  young  lady  who  announces  her 
engagement  are  expected  to  call  and  offer  congratulations. 
This  call  is  usually  made  between  ten  days  and  two  weeks 
after  the  announcement  is  received.  Married  women  who 
are  friends  of  the  young  woman's  mother  also  call  to 
make  their  congratulations. 

Calls  of  inquiry  are  made  during  the  illness  or  conva- 
lescence of  a  friend  or  acquaintance.  Sometimes  these 
calls  are  made  after  a  fire  or  accident,  or  after  some 
severe  financial  loss  or  other  disaster.  Extreme  tact  is 
needed  in  paying  such  calls.  The  call  itself  assumes  no 
greater  proportions  than  that  merely  of  doorstep  card- 
leaving,  yet  it  is  an  expression  of  genuine  sympathy  and 
a  desire  to  show  that  friendship  will  be  continued  no 
matter  what  happens.  The  chapter  devoted  to  visiting 
cards  contains  several  model  cards  of  inquiry  that  can  be 
used  on  the  various  occasions  mentioned. 

THE    SOCIAL    CALLS    OF    MEN 

Gentlemen  of  good  society  usually  devote  Sunday  after- 
noons and  evenings  to  their  formal  visits.  Weekday 
evenings  are  also  often  given  over  to  the  same  purpose. 
The  gentleman  who  calls  upon  a  lady  shows  good  taste 
and  consideration  by  selecting  her  day  at  home. 


152  BOOK  OF,  ETIQUETTE 

A  man  is  expected  to  make  calls  of  condolence,  inquiry 
and  congratulation  upon  all  his  intimate  friends,  men 
and  women.  He  is  also  expected  to  pay  a  call  promptly 
upon  a  hostess  who  has  entertained  him  either  at  dinner 
or  a  dance.  However,  he  may  not  call  again  unless  he  is 
invited  to  do  so  by  the  hostess.  A  bachelor  residing  in  a 
new  neighborhood  is  expected  to  return  all  first  calls  made 
upon  him,  but  he  has  the  privilege  of  requesting  a  sister 
or  woman  relative  living  with  him  to  make  the  return  call 
in  his  name. 

When  introduced  to  a  gentleman  by  means  of  a  letter 
of  introduction  from  a  mutual  friend,  it  is  essential  that 
the  recipient  return  the  call  within  three  days.  This  holds 
true  also  if  it  is  a  lady  who  presents  the  letter  of  intro- 
duction. Gentlemen  who  are  invited  to  balls,  dinners, 
theater  parties,  garden  parties,  etc.,  are  expected  to  make 
calls  within  ten  days  or  two  weeks,  even  though  they  do 
not  accept  the  invitation. 

THE    invalid's    CALI. 

An  invalid  may  return  calls  by  sending  a  daughter  or  a 
close  friend  in  her  stead.  A  sister  may  also  make  calls 
for  an  invalided  woman.  When  a  member  of  society  is  an 
invalid,  with  no  daughters  or  sisters,  and  with  no  very 
intimate  friends,  she  may  issue  cards  or  notes  through 
the  mails  if  she  wishes  to  keep  up  her  social  activities. 

A  daughter  of  an  invalid  calls  upon  all  her  mother's 
friends,  introduces  herself,  and  explains  why  she  is  ap- 
pearing in  her  mother's  place.  Or  she  may  just  leave  her 
mother's  card,  with  her  own  name  and  a  word  of  explana- 
tion written  above  it.  The  latter  method  is  undoubtedly 
the  most  satisfactory. 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  153 

A  person  who  is  invalided  temporarily  may  send  cards 
in  answer  to  the  courtesies  of  friends  or  she  may  allow  her 
daughter  to  assume  her  social  responsibilities.  Usually 
because  of  the  heavy  demands  which  society  places  upon 
one  she  goes  back  to  her  round  of  calls,  teas,  receptions, 
etc.,  gradually  rather  than  all  at  once.  Friends  are 
always  considerate  under  such  circumstances  and  etiquette 
never  exacts  more  than  one  can  possibly  do. 

ASKING    A    NEW   ACQUAINTANCE    TO    CAIX 

You  cannot,  except  under  special  conditions,  invite 
people  to  your  home  unless  you  have  called  on  them  in 
formal  manner  and  they  have  returned  the  visit.  A  young 
woman,  and  an  unmarried  woman,  wait  for  an  invitation 
to  call  from  an  older  woman  and  matron.  It  is  not  advis- 
able for  a  young  woman  to  ask  a  gentleman  to  call  until 
she  has  met  him  several  times  and  is  quite  sure  that  she 
wishes  to  develop  his  friendship.  A  woman  never  calls 
upon  a  gentleman  except  on  a  business  mission,  in  which 
case  she  may  not  discuss  social  or  domestic  topics.  A  mar- 
ried woman  does  not  leave  a  card  for  an  unmarried  man 
unless  she  has  been  to  a  reception  at  his  house;  then 
she  leaves  one  of  her  own  cards  with  one  of  her  husband's. 

It  is  expected  of  a  young  matron  or  of  a  debutante  that 
she  request  being  permitted  to  call  upon  an  elderly  matron 
or  old  lady  after  the  two  have  met  at  a  watering-place 
or  in  the  home  of  a  mutual  friend,  and  after  having  ex- 
changed cards.  A  gentleman  who  wishes  to  call  upon  a 
joxmg  girl  he  admires,  first  asks  permission  of  the  lady's 
mother,  being  quite  certain,  of  course,  that  his  visit  would 
be  agreeable  to  the  young  lady  herself.  To  ask  permission 
of  the  mother  is  to  convey  a  very  distinct  compliment  to 


154.  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

both  women,  and  reflects  culture  and  breeding  upon  the 
character  of  the  young  man  himself. 

When  asking  a  gentleman  to  call  it  is  sufficient  to  say^ 
**Mother  and  I  will  be  at  home  Wednesday  at  three 
o'clock,  Mr.  Blank.  I  hope  you  will  come  to  see  us,"  or, 
"I  should  be  very  glad  to  have  you  visit  me,  IMr.  Blank. 
Mother  and  I  are  usually  at  home  in  the  evenings." 

In  some  sections  of  the  country  it  is  customary  for 
the  gentleman  to  ask  permission  to  call  upon  a  young 
lady,  rather  than  for  the  young  lady  to  request  him  to 
call.  He  may  say,  "Miss  Blank,  I  hope  I  may  call  on  you 
sometime  before  very  long,  or,  "I  would  like  to  call  upon 
you  at  your  home.  Miss  Blank.  May  I  call  some  evening 
when  you  and  your  mother  are  at  home.?" 

THE    woman's    business    CALL 

I 

A  woman  may  call  on  a  man  only  for  business  pur-' 
poses.  In  this  case  the  man  is  usually  her  clergyman, 
editor,  lawyer,  physician  or  merchant,  and  the  call  is 
made  during  office  hours. 

The  woman  who  is  making  a  business  call  does  not 
usually  send  in  a  visiting  card,  but  merely  gives  her  name 
to  the  attendant.  She  states  her  business  briefly,  re- 
membering to  avoid  all  personal,  social  or  domestic  topics 
not  essential  to  the  furtherance  of  the  matter  in  hand.  If 
it  is  necessary  for  a  woman  to  call  upon  a  man  at  his 
home,  she  must  be  accompanied  by  a  male  relative,  or 
by  a  woman  older  than  herself.  This  holds  true  only 
when  she  is  entirely  unacquainted  with  the  members  of 
the  man's  family,  and  is  only  acquainted  with  the  man 
himself  through  business  interests.  She  does  not  send  up 
her  cards,  merely  her  name,  and  she  makes  her  visit  as 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  155 

short  as  possible.  When  a  woman  calls  at  a  bachelor 
apartment  or  at  a  gentleman's  studio  it  is  an  unimpeach- 
able law  of  etiquette  that  she  be  correctly  chaperoned. 
Etiquette  also  bars  a  woman  from  visiting  a  gentleman's 
club,  even  for  the  purpose  of  seeing  her  husband. 

The  lady  who  has  been  entertained  at  the  home  of  a 
gentleman  may  drive  to  his  door  and  send  up  her  card. 
But  she  never  enters  his  home  for  a  social  visit. 

SECEIVING    CAULS 

The  day  at  home  is  devoted  exclusively  to  the  receiving 
and  entertaining  of  callers.  This  day  at  home  is  decided 
by  the  hostess  at  the  beginning  of  the  season;  one  day 
each  week,  or  one  day  in  every  two  weeks,  is  set  apart 
for  receiving  calls. 

The  hostess  should  be  ready  to  receive  her  first  call  by  a 
few  minutes  before  three  o'clock.  She  may,  if  she  wishes, 
specify  a  certain  hour  for  calling  on  her  at-home  card, 
but  if  she  prefers  to  leave  the  hour  open,  she  should  be 
prepared  to  greet  her  guests  from  three  o'clock  in  the 
afternoon  until  a  little  before  half-past  five. 

There  are  three  methods  that  may  be  employed  in  an- 
nouncing a  caller.  The  method  you  choose  should  be  gov- 
erned by  what  you  can  afford  and  by  what  is  most  con- 
venient for  you.  The  most  formal  and  effective  plan  is 
to  have  a  full-liveried  butler  at  the  door  to  lead  each  guest 
to  the  drawing-room,  and  then  announce  his  or  her  name 
to  the  hostess.  Or  a  serv^ant  may  be  at  the  door  to  offer 
each  visitor  a  small  silver  tray,  on  which  to  place  his  or 
her  card.  The  most  simple  method  is  to  place  a  large  tray 
in  the  hall,  preferably  on  a  small  table  that  is  conspicu- 
ously situated,  and  into  this  the  cards  of  the  callers  may 


166  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

be  cast  as  they  pass  into  the  drawing-room.  It  should 
be  remembered  that  a  maid-servant  never  announces  call- 
ers, but  only  offers  them  a  card-tray  and  helps  them  with 
their  wraps. 

The  caller  at  an  apartment  house  should  first  have  the 
hall  boy  telephone  up  to  the  hostess — unless  the  caller  is 
expected — to  know  if  she  is  at  home.  It  is  not  permissible 
except  among  very  intimate  friends  to  go  up  unannounced. 

The  hostess  should  always  prepare  some  sort  of  refresh- 
ment for  her  guests  on  the  day  at  home.  In  winter,  tea 
or  hot  chocolate  may  be  served  with  wafers  or  cake. 
Sometimes  light  sandwiches  and  bonbons  are  served  on 
the  day  at  home.  In  the  warm  summer  months,  if  calls 
are  made,  the  visitors  may  be  refreshed  with  iced  tea, 
chocolate  or  punch. 

DUTIES    OF    THE    HOSTESS 

On  her  day  at  home,  the  hostess  makes  every  effort  to 
make  her  callers  feel  that  she  is  glad  to  have  them.  She 
rises  as  each  new  guest  makes  his  or  her  appearance, 
steps  forward  and  offers  her  hand  in  greeting.  The 
expressions,  "How  do  you  do,  Mrs.  Brown,"  and  "I  am 
delighted  to  see  you,  Mr.  Gray,"  are  effective  phrases  of 
greeting.  It  is  her  important  duty  to  make  general  in- 
troductions, and  to  give  some  special  attention  to  each 
caUer  as  he  or  she  arrives,  drawing  him  into  conversation 
with  the  others  before  leaving  him  to  greet  another 
newcomer. 

If  the  rooms  are  warm,  the  hostess  may  invite  a  fem- 
inine caller  to  remove  her  wraps,  but  she  must  not  assume 
this  privilege  with  the  gentleman.  She  usually  serves  tea 
or  chocolate  herself,  but  if  there  are  many  guests,  she 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  157 

may  ask  one  or  two  friends  to  assist  her.  It  is  poor  hos- 
pitality to  insist  upon  replenishing  a  cup  of  tea  after  a 
guest  has  declined  with  thanks. 


EECEIVING    THE    CHANCE    CAXLEE 

It  is  not  always  very  convenient  to  entertain  chance 
callers,  especially  if  one  has  some  important  business 
or  appointment  to  attend  to.  But  when  the  servant  at  the 
door  has  admitted  that  her  mistress  is  at  home,  the  hostess 
should  exert  every  effort  to  make  good  the  servant's  as- 
surance. She  must  not  keep  the  caller  waiting,  nor  must 
she  ask  to  be  excused  after  the  caller  has  been  admitted. 
If  important  business  claims  her  time,  she  may  come  to 
the  drawing  room  and  after  welcoming  the  visitor,  explain 
the  situation  and  ask  to  be  excused.  By  no  means  may 
she  send  a  written  or  verbal  excuse  by  messenger.  Hav- 
ing been  admitted,  the  presence  of  the  hostess  is  demanded 
if  it  is  for  no  other  reason  than  to  offer  an  excuse. 

If  the  hostess  has  no  pressing  business  duties  or  ap- 
pointments to  which  to  attend,  it  is  her  duty  to  afford 
every  hospitality  to  the  chance  caller.  If  the  call  is 
made  in  the  afternoon,  and  if  the  hostess  ordinarily  serves 
tea  at  that  hour,  she  may  serve  tea,  chocolate  or  punch 
with  cake  or  wafers. 

When  the  caller  is  a  gentleman,  and  the  hostess  a  young 
lady,  it  is  proper  to  call  one's  mother  or  chaperon  into 
the  drawing  room  to  make  the  correct  introduction,  or  if 
the  visitor  is  already  known,  to  welcome  him.  A  young 
lady  who  is  well-bred  does  not  entertain  gentlemen  until 
they  have  been  welcomed  by  her  mother. 

When  two  chance  callers  arrive  at  the  same  time,  the 


168  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

hostess  is,  of  course,  under  obligation  to  make  the  neces- 
sary introductions. 

WHEN    THE    HOST    IS    AT    HOME 

It  is  not  very  often  that  the  host  is  present  at  his 
wife's  day  at  home,  for  the  very  good  reason  that  business 
claims  all  his  time  during  the  day.  But  there  is  no  reason 
why  he  should  not  be  present  if  he  desires  to  and  if  it  is 
convenient  for  him. 

The  duty  of  any  masculine  member  of  a  family  appear- 
ing in  the  drawing  room  on  the  day  at  home — whether  it 
be  husband,  son  or  brother — is  to  share  in  the  honors  and 
obligations  of  the  occasion.  He  will  be  introduced  to  those 
visitors  with  whom  he  is  not  already  acquainted,  by  his 
wife  or  sister,  as  the  case  may  be;  and  he  is  expected  to 
assist  in  entertaining,  pass  the  cups,  make  introductions, 
accompany  departing  guests  to  the  door  and  join  in  the 
conversations. 

When  it  can  be  arranged  it  is  most  delightful  for  the 
husband  and  wife  to  receive  their  friends  together.  For 
this  reason  even  formal  society  is  lenient  with  regard  to 
time  and  Sundays  may  be  utilized  for  "at  homes,"  teas, 
or  receptions. 

TAKING    LEAVE    OF    THE    HOSTESS 

The  hostess  is  not  expected  to  accompany  her  depart- 
ing guests  to  the  door  when  there  are  others  still  in  the 
room  to  claim  her  attention.  However,  it  is  only  a  matter 
of  genuine  friendliness  and  politeness  to  accompany  each 
departing  guest  as  far  as  the  drawing  room  door.  This 
rule  does  not  hold  true  when  one  of  the  guests  is  infirm, 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  159 

or  when  the  hostess  is  entertaining  a  very  distinguished 
visitor.  But  ordinarily,  it  is  all-sufficient  to  rise  when  a 
guest  makes  a  move  to  depart,  offer  one's  hand  in  cordial 
farewell,  and  say,  "Good  afternoon.  Miss  Cary.  So  good 
of  you  to  come,"  or,  "Good-by,  Mrs.  Blank,  I  hope  to  hear 
some  more  about  that  wonderful  trip  to  East  India." 

The  hostess  continues  to  stand  until  the  guest  turns  to 
pass  out  of  the  room.  If  the  guest  is  a  woman,  it  is  a 
mark  of  extreme  politeness  to  remain  standing  until  she 
has  left  the  room  entirely.  When  all  the  guests  have 
departed,  the  hostess  usually  accompanies  the  last  visitor 
to  the  hall  door;  and  if  it  is  a  special  friend,  she  is 
privileged  to  accompany  her  to  the  very  street  door. 
However,  the  hostess  must  be  careful  not  to  extend  any 
special  courtesies  to  an  intimate  friend  while  other  guests 
are  present,  nor  may  she  draw  a  visitor  aside  to  converse 
in  an  undertone  about  some  private  or  personal  affair. 

On  rising  to  depart,  a  caller  seeks  out  the  hostess  and 
bids  her  a  formal  adieu.  Prolonged  farewells  are  not  the 
best  taste,  for  they  keep  the  hostess  standing  and  dis- 
tracted when  there  are  others  who  are  entitled  to  her  time 
and  attention.  As  soon  as  one  intimates  that  he  or  she 
wishes  to  depart,  a  quick  but  cordial  farewell  should  be 
taken  and  the  departure  made  as  soon  as  possible.  To 
bow  oneself  out  of  the  drawing  room  is  a  foreign  and 
wholly  undemocratic  custom  which  no  well-bred  man  or 
(voman  recognizes.  A  slight  inclination  of  the  head,  a 
cordial  good-afternoon  to  the  guests,  and  a  formal  fare- 
well to  the  hostess  should  be  followed  by  immediate  leaving 
of  the  room. 

In  apartment  houses  it  is  a  pretty  little  attention  for 
the  hostess  to  accompany  her  guest  to  the  elevator  and 
ring  the  bell  for  her.    This  she  should,  of  course,  not  do 


160  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

in  the  event  that  there  are  others  present  to  claim  her 
attention. 

A  gentleman  rises  from  his  seat  when  a  woman  enters 
and  when  she  rises  to  depart.  When  taking  leave  of  the 
hostess  he  waits  for  her  to  offer  her  hand,  otherwise  he 
merely  bows  and  offers  some  word  of  farewell. 

THE    EVENING    CALL 

A  gentleman  is  privileged  to  make  his  call  in  return  for 
a  hospitality  extended  him  in  the  evening.  It  is  consider- 
ate of  him,  when  he  cannot  call  in  the  afternoon,  to  call 
on  the  evening  of  the  hostess'  day  at  home. 

When  a  young  man  has  been  asked  to  call  by  a  young 
lady,  he  does  not  ask  to  see  her  alone  but  requests  of  the 
servant  at  the  door  that  he  be  announced  to  the  ladies. 
This  is  especially  important,  for  it  infers  that  he  expects 
to  be  presented  to  the  young  lady's  mother  or  her  chap- 
eron. After  he  has  met  her  mother,  it  is  entirely  proper 
for  him,  when  calling,  to  request  to  see  the  particular 
lady  for  whom  the  visit  is  intended. 

A  gentleman  is  usually  shown  into  the  drawing-room 
by  the  servant.  He  retains  his  overcoat  and  gloves  until 
the  servant  returns  to  let  him  know  that  the  young  lady 
will  receive  him  presently ;  then  he  divests  himself  of  these 
garments  and  either  puts  them  himself  in  the  hall,  or 
entrusts  them  to  the  servant.  When  the  lady  enters,  he 
rises,  steps  forward  to  meet  her,  and  does  not  resume  his 
seat  until  she  has  seated  herself. 

WHEN    GENTLEMEN    EECEIVE    CALLERS 

A  lady  does  not  call  upon  a  gentleman  unless  it  is  for 
the  purpose  of  business.    Under  such  conditions,  the  geU 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  161 

tleman  rises,  finds  her  a  seat  and  proceeds  immediately 
with  the  matter  of  business.  No  social  or  domestic  topics 
are  introduced.  If  the  interview  is  to  be  a  short  one,  or 
if  the  man  is  pressed  for  time,  he  may  go  out  to  meet  the 
lady  in  the  corridor  or  outer  office  and  stand  while  he 
hears  her  business. 

When  a  lady  is  admitted  to  his  private  office,  a  gentle- 
man does  not  receive  her  with  his  hat  on,  or  with  his  coat 
oflF.  He  refrains  from  smoking,  and  gives  her  his  whole 
attention  during  the  interview.  If  his  telephone  rings,  he 
must  excuse  himself  before  answering  it.  He  rises  when 
the  lady  is  ready  to  leave,  opens  the  door  for  her,  and 
accompanies  her  to  the  door  or  elevator  if  he  wishes  to 
be  extremely  polite.  However,  this  latter  courtesy  is 
necessary  only  when  the  visitor  is  a  relative  or  special 
friend.  A  gentleman  merely  bows  when  a  lady  takes  her 
departure,  unless  she  herself  offers  her  hand. 

It  is  quite  permissible  when  certain  pressing  affairs 
claim  one's  attention  to  request  to  be  excused  or  postpone 
the  business  call  until  some  later  date.  Or  if  he  wishes 
her  to  be  brief,  the  gentleman  may  courteously  request 
the  lady  to  do  so,  and  he  will  invariably  find  that  she  will 
be  only  too  willing  to  comply  with  his  request.  But  there 
can  be  no  excuse  for  the  man  who  insists  upon  being  curt  to 
women  who  call  at  his  office  on  matters  of  business,  any 
more  than  there  is  an  excuse  for  lack  of  gallantry  and 
courtesy  in  the  drawing-room. 

A  gentleman  receives  his  masculine  callers  at  his  home 
as  cordially  and  with  as  much  hospitality  as  the  lady  re- 
ceives her  feminine  friends.  He  must  obser^'e  all  the  rules 
outlined  for  the  hostess.  He  greets  each  caller  formally, 
makes  all  necessary  introductions,  sees  that  conversation 
Tuns  smoothly  and  pleasantly,  and  if  he  wishes,  offers  re' 


162  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

freshments.  When  he  has  a  mother  or  sister  to  help  him 
entertain,  he  may  invite  women  guests,  and  then  it  is  his 
duty  to  accompany  each  lady  as  far  as  the  door  and  see 
that  her  car  is  in  readiness.  When  the  last  guest  to  de- 
part is  a  gentleman,  the  host  usually  goes  with  him  as  far 
as  the  hall  door,  and  assists  him  with  his  coat. 


MAKING  A   CHANCE    CAUj 

Very  often  a  call  is  returned  on  some  other  day  than 
that  set  apart  by  the  hostess  for  the  day  at  home.  It  is 
not  always  convenient  for  friends  ai^d  acquaintances  to 
observe  a  certain  day  at  home,  but  when  they  call  on  other 
days  they  always  are  faced  with  uncertainty.  Of  course 
there  are  some  women  who  do  not  have  a  definite  day  at 
home,  but  they  may  be  found  at  home  almost  any  after- 
noon. 

A  woman  calling  on  a  friend  or  acquaintance  on  no 
definite  day  makes  some  such  inquiry  as  follows  of  the 
servant  at  the  door:  "Is  Mrs.  Gray  at  home?'*  or,  "Are 
the  ladies  in  this  afternoon?"  Having  received  a  reply 
in  the  negative,  the  caller  leaves  her  card  and  departs. 
There  must  be  no  questions  as  to  where  the  ladies  may 
be,  or  what  time  they  shall  return,  unless  one  is  a  par- 
ticularly intimate  friend  of  the  entire  family. 

When  the  servant  announces  at  the  door  that  her  mis- 
tress is  not  at  home,  it  may  mean  either  that  she  is  out 
of  the  house  entirely  or  that  she  is  so  completely  occu- 
pied with  business  that  she  is  not  able  to  entertain.  In 
either  case,  however,  the  report  of  the  servant  must  be 
taken  as  final,  and  it  may  not  be  questioned. 


CALLS  AND  CALLING  CUSTOMS  163 

INFORMAL    CAI>IiS 

We  will  call  it  that — these  friendly  little  visits  that 
neighbors  make  upon  each  other  in  smaller  towns,  or  in 
less  fashionable  circles.  Informal  calls.  But  you  may 
call  them  friendly  calls,  if  you  wish. 

In  small  towns,  and  especially  in  the  country,  women 
may  "drop  in"  for  a  chat  with  their  neighbors  any  time 
in  the  afternoon.  Even  morning  calls  between  ten  and 
one  o'clock  are  permissible.  There  is  nothing  formal 
about  these  calls.  It  is  not  necessary  to  have  a  liveried 
butler  at  the  door  to  announce  the  name,  nor  a  small 
silver  tray  on  which  to  place  the  caller's  card.  Butlers, 
cards  and  fonnalities  are  all  omitted,  and  the  call  drops 
into  a  delightfully  intimate  visit. 

It  would  be  ridiculous  to  attempt  to  set  down  a  defi- 
nite time  limit  for  these  calls.  They  may  be  as  short  as 
twenty  minutes  or  as  long  as  two  hours,  depending  en- 
tirely upon  the  individuals  and  the  circumstances.  Re- 
freshments may  or  may  not  be  served  as  one  pleases. 
Formal  greetings  and  farewells  are  dispensed  with,  and  in 
their  place  are  cordial  "hellos"  and  "good-bys"  that  are 
entirely  conducive  to  good  friendship. 

If  you  feel  that,  because  you  are  not  fortunate  enough 
to  own  a  pretentious  dwelling  and  to  hire  impressive  but- 
lers and  maid-servants  to  welcome  your  guests,  you  should 
not  make  calls  and  have  them  returned,  you  are  depriv- 
ing yourself  of  a  pleasure  infinitely  greater  than  all  elab- 
orate display  and  ostentation.  Simple,  informal  calls 
made  for  the  purpose  of  creating  and  developing  friend- 
ships, and  made  with  a  feeling  of  genuine  cordiality  and 
friendliness,  are  even  more  gratifying  than  the  stiffly  for- 
mal social  calls. 


164  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Do  not  feel  that  you  are  obeying  etiquette*s  decrees 
when  you  neglect  your  friendships  merely  because  your 
home  and  facilities  do  not  warrant  extensive  social  inter- 
course. True  etiquette  is  universal  in  its  appeal  and 
reaches  the  country-woman  in  her  little  cottage  as  di- 
rectly as  it  reaches  the  stately  dowager  in  her  city  man- 
sion. 


CHAPTER  IV 
VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS 

rOUB  CAED  A  EEPEESENTATIVE  OF  YOU 

An  interesting  anecdote  we  have  in  mind  will  illus- 
trate better  than  anything  we  can  say,  the  importance 
of  the  correct  card,  whether  it  be  in  business  or  social 
activities. 

A  rather  eccentric  gentleman  discovered  an  amazing 
new  commodity  for  which  there  had  been  considerable 
demand  for  many  years.  He  became  immediately  famous. 
Reporters  besieged  his  home  and  office  in  quest  of  inter- 
views, but  the  reports  in  the  newspapers  were  of  the 
vaguest  and  most  indefinite.  He  shunned  publicity,  and 
absolutely  refused  to  see  or  speak  to  anyone. 

Then  a  brilliant  young  chap  who  knew  and  understood 
the  eccentricities  of  the  inventor,  conceived  the  idea  of 
having  a  special  card  engraved  to  send  in  to  him.  The 
others  laughed  at  his  "foolish  idea"  as  they  called  it,  but 
he  had  absolute  faith  in  his  plan.  He  had  a  neat  white 
card  engraved  with  his  name  and  address,  much  the  same 
form  and  size  as  the  ordinary  social  card.  But  in  the 
lower  left-hand  comer,  in  tiny  italics,  these  words  were 
printed:  "Wishes  to  tell  the  people  the  truth  about  your 
discovery." 

The  card  went  in  to  the  inventor.  The  reporter  was 
admitted.     And  his  paper  boasted  headlines  and  columns 

J65 


166  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

of  startling  facts  the  next  day  that  no  other  paper  in 
town  had.  The  very  appearance  of  the  card,  its  neatness 
and  its  obvious  originahty,  commanded  the  attention  of 
the  man  who  hated  publicity,  and  caused  him  to  submit  to 
an  interview. 

Of  course  we  cannot  all  have  special  cards  printed  for 
certain  occasions.  Nor  can  we  be  original  to  the  extent 
that  we  do  not  follow  the  rules  of  etiquette  regarding  cor- 
rect forms  for  social  cards.  But  we  can  make  our  cards 
so  distinctive,  so  representative  of  ourselves,  that  the  re- 
cipient will  find  as  much  pleasure  in  receiving  them  as 
we  in  offering  them.  And  by  distinctive  we  do  not  mean 
the  fancy  or  embellished  card,  but  the  one  that  is  strictly 
in  accord  with  the  rules  of  good  usage  as  outlined  in  the 
following  paragraphs. 

GENEEAL   SUITES   EEGABDING    CARDS 

Social  and  professional  cards  should  be  engraved  either 
on  copper  or  steel;  plain,  readable  type  should  be  used. 
Ornate  scripts  that  are  hardly  legible  should  be  avoided. 
Ordinary  script  type  is  permissible,  but  it  must  not  be 
fancy  or  comprised  wholly  of  swinging  flourishes.  A 
plain  letter  is  always  preferable.  The  ordinary  Roman 
type,  or  any  new  modification  of  it,  or  Gothic  lettering, 
is  always  in  good  taste. 

When  a  large  quantity  of  cards  is  desired,  the  copper- 
plate should  be  requested,  as  the  greatest  number  of  clear 
impressions  can  be  taken  from  it.  Requests  may  also  be 
made  of  the  stationer  to  use  an  embossed  plate  so  that 
the  letters  stand  out  in  relief.  The  color  should  be  white 
or  cream.  Other  colors  are  in  bad  taste,  although  some- 
times buff  and  pale  blue  cards  are  used  by  professional 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  167 

men  and  women.  The  stock  should  be  thin;  not  as  thin 
as  paper,  but  much  thinner  than  that  used  for  other 
kinds  of  cards. 

Cards  are  engraved  with  the  owner's  name  and  ad- 
dress, or  with  the  name  alone.  If  it  is  a  profesional 
card,  the  word  "Artist"  or  "Attorney-at-law"  or  what- 
ever the  profession  happens  to  be  may  appear  in  the  lower 
left-hand  comer.  Military  men  may  also  print  their 
rank  or  position  in  this  corner,  as  may  also  professors 
and  others  holding  a  title  of  distinction. 

The  engraving  of  names  and  addresses  should  never 
be  in  any  color  but  black.  Black  engraving  on  a  pure 
white  card  is  the  best  form  for  the  social  card.  Gilt  let- 
terings are  an  indication  of  ignorance,  and  so  are  brightly 
colored  engraving  or  highly  tinted  paper, 

SIZE   OF   CARDS   FOB  WOMEN 

Each  new  visiting  season  brings  with  it  new  fashions  in 
cards — fasliions  that  chiefly  affect  the  size  of  the  card. 
Thus  it  would  hardly  be  practical  to  state  definitely  cor- 
rect sizes.  But  we  will  give  here  the  approximate  size 
for  the  woman's  visiting  and  social  cards,  and  exact  in- 
formation can  be  acquired  from  one's  personal  stationer 
or  from  one  of  the  current  magazines  which  run  special 
departments  to  take  care  of  matters  of  this  kind. 

When  a  lady's  card  bears  her  name  only,  it  should 
never  measure  more  than  two  and  seven-eighths  inches 
in  length  and  two  and  one-eighth  inches  in  width.  No 
card  should  be  smaller  than  two  and  one-half  inches  in 
length  and  one  and  seven-eighths  inches  in  width.  A 
double  card,  on  which  the  names  of  both  mother  and 
daughter  or  both  husband  and  wife  appear,  should  be 


168  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

about  three  Inches  and  a  half  in  length,  by  two  and  one* 
half  in  width.  No  decorations  of  any  kind  should  be 
used  on  a  card. 

Polite  society  at  the  present  time  favors  pure  white, 
unglazed  bristol  board  about  two  and  two-third  inches 
in  length  by  two  and  one-eighth  inches  in  width. 

SIZE  AND  MATERIAIi  OF   CAEDS  FOR  MEN 

It  is  usual  for  a  man's  card  to  be  narrower  and  the 
least  bit  shorter  than  a  woman's.  The  ordinary  size  is 
two  and  five-eighths  inches  by  one  and  three-eighths 
inches,  but  like  the  woman's  card  is  subject  to  change. 
The  stationer  will  be  able  to  give  definite  information  re- 
garding the  size  of  the  man's  card  at  the  present  time. 

A  man's  card  is  as  severely  simple  and  unadorned  as 
the  woman's.  No  ornamentation,  no  flourish  in  the  let- 
tering. Just  plain,  readable  type  or  script  engraved  in 
black  upon  white.  The  card  itself  should  be  of  polished, 
but  not  glazed,  bristol  board,  the  kind  that  is  flexible  and 
thin.  Some  gentlemen  have  their  cards  made  of  espe- 
cially thin  stock  to  avoid  bulky  card  cases  or  waistcoat 
pockets. 

A  bachelor  may  have  his  home  address  engraved  in  the 
lower  right-hand  corner  of  his  card,  with  the  name  of  liis 
favorite  club  opposite.  If  he  resides  entirely  at  his  club, 
the  name  is  engraved  in  the  lower  right-hand  comer.  It 
is  bad  form  to  have  a  business  address  engraved  on  one's 
social  visiting  card.  An  at-home  day  is  never  given  on 
a  gentlemans  card,  but  appears  in  the  lower  left-hand 
comer  of  his  wife's  card.  A  bachelor  is  not  expected 
to  devote  a  definite  day  to  the  entertaining  of  callers  un' 
less  he  is  an  artist  with  a  studio. 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  169 

TITLES  ON  CABDS  FOR  WOMEN 

A  woman's  visiting  card  should  be  engraved  s»lely  witK 
her  name,  address  and  day  at  home.  Any  decorations 
such  as  gilded  edges,  crests  or  superfluous  engravings  are 
an  indication  of  bad  taste. 

In  America  a  lady  never  assumes  any  title  other  than 
Mrs.  or  Miss  on  her  social  card.  There  is  only  one  ex- 
ception to  this  rvde:  a  professional  woman  may  use  her 
title  of  doctor  of  medicine,  etc.  In  this  case,  even 
though  she  is  married,  she  drops  her  husband's  Christian 
names  and  signs  herself  Marian  M.  Browning,  M.  D. 

A  woman  does  not  share,  on  her  cards,  the  honorary 
titles  of  her  husband.  For  instance,  the  wife  of  our 
president  has  her  cards  engraved  "Mrs.  Warren  Gamaliel 
Harding."  The  wife  of  a  secretary,  judge,  general  or 
admiral  does  not  use  any  title  other  than  Mrs.  Even 
the  woman  who  is  a  successful  physician  should  not  use 
her  title  on  her  social  cards,  unless,  as  explained  above, 
she  is  elderly.  It  is  wise  for  a  woman  physician  to  have 
two  sets  of  cards,  one  with  her  name  and  title,  and  with 
her  office  hours  in  the  comer,  the  other  with  her  name 
alone,  and  her  house  address  in  the  comer.  A  physi- 
cian's social  card  should  be  engraved  simply  **Miss 
Marian  Mansfield  Browning." 

It  is  always  better  form  to  give  in  full  the  Christian 
name  or  names,  as  well  as  the  surname.  It  is  not  tasteful 
to  indicate  by  an  initial  only  the  husband's  first  name, 
and  engrave  his  middle  name,  thus:  "Mrs.  J.  Henry 
Williams."  Both  names  should  be  given  in  full.  It  is 
not  considered  dignified  to  use  abbreviations  of  a  hus- 
band's name,  as  Erank  for  Francis,  Alec  for  Alexander, 
Joe  for  Joseph.     Nor  should  an  unmarried  woman  use 


170 


BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 


such  abbreviations  of  her  name  as  Polly,  Sally,  Dolly,  etc. 
The  wife  who  is  the  senior  matron  of  the  senior  branch 
of  a  famijy  may  drop  both  her  husband's  first  and  middle 
names  from  her  cards,  and  have  them  read  simply :  "Mrs. 
Robinson."  Her  eldest  unmarried  daughter  is  entitled 
to  use  a  card  reading:  "Miss  Robinson."  When  the  name 
is  a  very  ordinary  one  like  Brown  or  Smith,  it  is  always 
wiser  to  use  the  Christian  names  to  avoid  confusion. 

A  spinster,  or  as  the  modem  woman  likes  to  call  her- 
self, the  "bachelor  girl,"  may  not  use  cards  engraved 
merely  Miss  Gray,  unless  she  is  the  oldest  daughter  of  a 
family.  She  has  her  cards  engraved  in  either  of  the  three 
following  forms :  "Miss  Mary  Hammond  Gray"  or  "Miss 
Mary  H.  Gray"  or  just  "Miss  Mary  Gray."  The  first 
initial  should  never  be  used,  except  when  the  young  lady 
is  known  by  her  middle  name,  unless  professional  pur- 
poses demand  it. 


Mrs.  John  Jay  Holmes 
13  West  Street 


Miss  Helen  Holmes 

12  West  Street 


CAEDS    FOE    WIDOWS 

A  widow  is  privileged  to  retain  her  husband's  Christian 
name  on  her  card  if  she  wishes,  unless  her  eldest  son  is 
married  and  bears  the  full  name  of  his  deceased  father. 
In  this  case,  of  course,  there  would  be  confusion,  and  it 
is  much  wiser  for  her  to  have  her  cards  engraved  with 
her  own  Christian  and  middle  names,  in  this  manner: 
**Mrs.  Lucille  May  Hopkins."     If  there  is  no  reason  for 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  171 

her  to  drop  her  husband's  Christian  and  middle  names 
after  his  death,  she  may  sign  herself:  "Mrs.  Henry 
Waltam  Hopkins." 

At  the  present  time,  it  is  good  form  for  the  woman  who 
has  been  divorced  to  use  her  maiden  surname  with  the 
surname  of  the  divorced  or  deceased  husband,  dropping 
all  Christian  names.  Thus  a  woman  whose  maiden  name 
was  Harris  would  have  her  cards  engraved  "Mrs.  Harris 
Smith"  if  she  is  divorced  from  her  husband.  The  name, 
even  if  she  resumes  her  full  maiden  name,  should  be  pre- 
prefixed  by  "Mrs.,"  never  by  "Miss."  A  widow  should 
avoid  following  the  style  prescribed  for  a  divorced  woman, 
since  it  is  likely  to  cause  embarrassing  ambiguity. 

It  is  fully  permissible  for  a  widow  to  revive  her 
maiden  name  after  several  years  of  widowhood.  The  di- 
vorced woman,  however,  may  not  use  her  maiden  name  on 
her  cards  until  there  has  been  a  legal  annulment  of  her 
marriage,  in  which  case,  as  was  stated  above,  she  uses  it 
with  the  title  "Mrs.,"  not  "Miss." 

THE  YOUNG  LADY^S   CAKD 

When  a  young  lady  has  been  formally  introduced  to 
society  by  her  mother,  she  uses  for  her  first  year  of  calls, 
cards  that  bear  her  name  below  that  of  her  mother.  She 
assumes  a  private  card  only  when  she  is  no  longer  a 
debutante.  The  joint  card,  as  it  is  called,  should  be 
larger  in  size  than  the  card  her  mother  ordinarily  uses, 
and  the  young  lady's  Christian  and  middle  names  should 
be  used  unless  she  is  the  eldest  daughter  of  the  family. 
A  model  card  appears  below. 

Mrs.  Robert  Cole 

Miss  Jean  Evelyn  Cole 

Tuesdays  South  Street 


172  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

When  mother  and  daughter  pay  calls  together,  this  one 
card  serves  for  both.  But  when  the  daughter  makes  calls 
alone,  she  runs  a  pencil  line  lightly  through  her  moth- 
er's name — unless,  of  course,  she  is  merely  leaving  cards 
and  not  making  formal  calls.  The  mother  does  not  use 
the  double  card  when  calling  alone,  unless  she  is  leaving 
cards  for  herself  and  her  daughter.  Very  often  the 
double  card,  with  the  name  of  mother  and  daughter,  is 
used  even  after  the  daughter  has  emerged  from  her 
dehut  ante  ship,  when  both  are  visiting  together.  In  less 
formal  society  the  daughter  has  her  own  card  bearing 
only  her  name,  with  or  without  title,  which  she  uses  when- 
ever the  occasion  demands  it,  and  in  many  instances,  even 
when  she  makes  her  debut  she  has  a  card  of  her  own  which 
she  uses  instead  of  or  in  addition  to  the  one  which  she 
shares  with  her  mother. 

When  two  daughters  make  their  debut  in  society  at 
the  same  time,  the  name  of  the  mother  appears  nearest 
the  top,  as  before,  directly  below  it  is  "Miss  Cole"  for  the 
eldest  daughter,  and  below  that  "Miss  Edna  Cole"  for  her 
younger  sister.  The  form  "The  Misses  Cole"  may  also 
be  used  when  there  are  two  or  three  daughters.  The 
joint  card  is  used  to  announce  the  address  and  at-home 
day,  at  the  beginning  of  the  season ;  but  it  is  also  used 
when  the  ladies  of  a  family  send  a  wedding  gift  with 
their  card,  when  they  send  flowers  to  an  invalided  friend 
or  when  they  make  calls  of  condolence  or  congratulation 
together. 

There  are  several  other  double,  or  joint,  cards  used 
besides  those  of  the  mother  and  daughter.  A  motherless 
girl,  living  with  her  father,  may  couple  her  name  with  his. 
Sisters  who  have  no  parents  may  use  a  double  card  with 
the  name  of  the  older  engraved  above  that  of  the  younger. 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  173 

or  with  tlie  simple  inscription,  "The  Misses  Gray."  A 
sister  who  is  unmarried  often  shares  a  joint  card  with  a 
married  sister,  when  they  are  living  together.  A  chap- 
eron and  motherless  girl,  an  aunt  and  unmarried  niece 
are  entitled  to  use  joint  cards  if  they  wish. 

After  her  first  season,  a  young  lady,  when  calling  alone, 
uses  her  own  card.  However,  if  her  mother  is  an  active 
hostess  who  issues  her  cards  every  season  and  receives 
with  her  daughters,  she  does  not  indicate  a  day  at  home 
on  her  personal  cards.  A  supply  of  double  cards  should 
always  be  available  when  there  are  daughters  in  the  fam- 
ily, even  though  they  issue  their  own  cards,  for  many 
instances  arise  when  the  double  card  is  more  acceptable 
than  any  other. 


INDICATING  THE  DAY  AT  HOME 

The  lower  left-hand  comer  of  the  visiting  card  is  re- 
served for  the  day  at  home.  If  one  day  each  week — or 
rather  one  afternoon  from  three  until  six  o'clock  each 
week — is  devoted  to  the  entertaining  of  visitors,  the  word 
^'Fridays"  or  "Tuesdays"  is  engraved  in  the  comer. 
There  need  be  no  explanation,  no  further  details,  unless 
the  hostess  for  some  reason  wishes  to  state  the  hours  dur- 
ing which  she  will  be  receiving,  in  which  case  it  is  quite 
permissible  to  add  them  to  the  names  of  the  day  or  days. 

Somelimes  particular  limits  are  set  on  the  days  at  home. 
For  instance  some  hostesses  are  at  home  only  one  after- 
noon in  every  second,  or  every  tliird,  week.  This  requires 
special  wording.  For  instance,  "First  and  Fourth 
Wednesdays"  or  "First  Fridays"  (meaning  first  Fridays 
in  the  month).     One  may  also  set  a  time  limit  by  having 


174  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

one's  cards  engraved:  "Tuesdays  until  Lent"  or  "Mon« 
days  until  April,"  or  "Wednesdays,  December  9 — 16-— 
23." 


THE  MAREEED   COUPI-E's   CABD 

The  married  woman  finds  many  occasions  to  use  the 
card  that  is  engraved  with  her  husband's  and  her  name. 
It  is  never  used  to  announce  her  day  at  home,  unless  he 
is  to  receive  with  her,  though  she  may  use  it  when  call- 
ing, if  she  wishes. 

The  double  card  for  a  married  couple  is  larger  than, 
the  individual  card,  but  just  about  the  size  of  the  double 
card  used  for  mother  and  daughter.  A  model  is  shown 
below. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Blake 
200  West  End  Avenue 


Brides  use  the  joint  card  when  returning  calls  made 
upon  them  after  their  return  from  the  honeymoon.  It 
is  also  customary  for  such  a  card  to  be  inclosed  with  a 
wedding  invitation  or  with  an  announcement  of  marriage, 
to  give  the  united  names  of  the  couple  with  their  future 
address  and  day  at  home.  If  this  last  plan  is  not  fol- 
lowed, the  bride  posts,  immediately  upon  her  return  home, 
a  double  card  bearing  her  address  and  day  at  home,  to 
all  her  own  and  her  husband's  friends.  The  double  card 
is  then  rarely  used,  except  for  such  occasions  as  when 
husband  wife  send  a  gift  together,  or  pay  calls  of  in- 
quiry, condolence  or  congratulation  together. 


I 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS         175 


USING    J£.    AND    SB. 


"Jr."  is  a  contraction  of  the  word  Junior;  "Sr."  is  a 
contraction  of  the  word  "Senior."  These  suffixes  are  not 
generally  used  on  women's  cards,  but  there  are  several 
occasions  when  they  are  necessary.  There  is,  for  instance, 
the  lady  whose  husband  bearing  the  same  name  as  his 
father  lives  in  the  same  town.  Her  cards  must  bear  the 
suffix  "Jr."  if  they  are  not  to  be  confused  with  the  cards 
of  her  mother-in-law. 

In  this  instance,  if  the  mother-in-law  were  a  widow 
using  her  husband's  full  name,  it  would  be  necessary  for 
her  to  add  the  word  "Senior,"  or  its  abbreviation,  "Sr.," 
after  her  name  to  avoid  having  it  confused  with  that  of 
her  daughter-in-law.  The  latter  would,  in  this  case,  omit 
the  "Jr."  from  her  cards.  If  both  women  lost  their  hus- 
bands, and  both  wished  to  retain  the  husband's  Christian 
names  on  tlieir  cards,  the  discriminating  "Jr."  and  "Sr." 
should  be  used.  These  suffixes  do  not  have  to  be  used  if 
the  younger  widow  only  retains  the  Christian  names  of  her 
husband,  and  the  older  woman  revives  the  use  of  her  own 
Christian  and  middle  names.  "Jr."  and  "Sr."  may  appear 
on  the  cards  in  their  abbreviated  forms.  Indeed,  it  is  pref- 
erable if  the  name  is  a  long  one. 

TITI-ES   ON   CARDS  FOR  MEN 

A  gentleman's  card  should  always  bear  some  distin- 
guishing title.  The  only  time  when  "Mr."  may  be  omitted, 
is  when  "Jr."  or  "Sr."  follows  the  name,  or  when  some 
honorary  title  is  conferred.  A  boy  under  sixteen  may  have 
a  card  which  bears  only  his  name  without  title. 


176  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Undignified  abbreviations  or  contractions  of  names 
should  never  be  used  on  a  gentleman's  card.  The  in- 
scription should  read :  "Mr.  Robert  W.  Blake"  or,  prefer- 
ably, "Mr.  Robert  Walter  Blake."  Such  contractions 
as  "Mr.  Bob  Blake"  or  "Mr.  R.  Walter  Blake"  are  dis- 
countenanced by  good  society.  Only  the  gentleman  who 
represents  the  head  of  the  senior  branch  of  his  family 
may  use  a  card  with  his  name  engraved  simply,  "Mr. 
Blake." 

Very  often  a  bachelor  has  his  home  address  engraved 
in  the  lower  right-hand  comer  of  his  card,  with  the  name 
of  his  favorite  club  in  the  corner  opposite.  If  he  resides 
entirely  at  his  club,  its  name  occupies  the  place  usually 
reserved  on  the  card  for  home  addresses.  And  at-home 
day  is  never  given  on  a  gentleman's  card,  unless  he  is  an 
artist  and  has  many  friends  who  are  fond  of  coming  to 
his  studio. 

In  the  army,  only  those  men  whose  ranks  are  above  cap- 
tain use  their  military  title  on  their  visiting  cards.  Oth- 
ers use  merely  the  prefix  "Mr."  Men  who  are  officers  of 
volunteer  regiments  are  not  entitled  to  the  use  of  mili- 
tary titles  on  their  cards,  and  they  should  be  careful  to 
use  only  "Mr."  before  their  names.  A  captain,  major,  or 
colonel  in  the  army  signifies  in  the  comer  of  the  card 
whether  his  command  is  in  the  artillery,  the  infantry,  or 
the  cavalry. 

A  Justice  of  the  Supreme  Court  has  his  cards  engraved 
with  the  title  Mr.  Justice  preceding  his  name,  thus :  "Mr. 
Justice  John  Emmonds  Gary."  Lawyers  and  judges  of 
the  lower  courts  may  use  only  the  prefix  "Mr."  Presi- 
dents of  colleges,  officers  of  the  navy,  physicians  and 
clergymen  all  signify  their  office,  rank  or  profession  on 
their  cards.     A  physician  may  have  his  card  engraved  in 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS         177 

either  of  these  two  approved  manners:  *'Dr.  Everett 
Johnson"  or  "Everett  Johnson,  M.D."  A  clergyman  who 
has  received  his  degree  does  not  use  the  title  "Dr.,"  but  has 
his  cards  engraved,  **Elmer  J.  Bumham,  D.D."  Other 
men  with  honorary  titles  follow  a  similar  style. 

Members  of  the  cabinet,  if  they  wish,  may  have  their 
cards  formally  engraved  **The  Secretary  of  State,"  **The 
Secretary  of  War,"  "The  Secretary  of  the  Interior,"  etc. 
A  senator,  however,  may  use  only  the  prefix  "Mr.,"  having 
his  cards  engraved  "Mr.  Johnson."  Of  course  the  presi- 
dent and  vice-president,  and  ambassadors  indicate  their 
office  and  rank  on  their  card,  as  do  also  all  professors 
and  deans  of  colleges.  A  member  of  the  faculty  of  Yale 
would  have  his  cards  inscribed,  *'Mr.  Walter  Beacon 
Clark,  Yale  University."  Foreign  consuls  and  repre- 
sentatives use  only  the  title  "Mr." 

Business  addresses  should  never  be  used  on  a  gentle- 
man's social  card.  A  physician  or  clergyman  need  not 
follow  this  rule,  provided  that  no  office  hours  are  grven. 

Mr,  Robert  Livingston 
4  West  Tenth  Street 

PEOFESSIONAL    CARDS    FOE    MEN 

Professional  cards  and  visiting  cards  should  always  be 
kept  distinct  from  each  other.  The  physician  who  uses 
his  professional  card,  with  business  hours  engraved  on 
it,  for  a  social  call,  is  committing  an  irretrievable  blun- 
der in  etiquette. 

A  physician  has  the  privilege  of  choosing  either  of  two 
forms  for  his  professional  card.  He  may  prefix  his  name 
with  *TDr."  or  add  the  initials  "M.D."  to  it.  In  the  lower 
right-hand  corner  of  the  card,  his  house  address  is  en- 


178  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

graved;  and  in  the  opposite  corner,  his  office  hours.  For 
his  social  cards,  the  physician  omits  the  office  hours  and 
uses  M.D.  after  his  name  rather  than  "Dr."  before  it. 

"Rev."  or  "Reverend,"  is  the  approved  title  for  a  clergy- 
man. Cards  are  engraved:  "Reverend  Raymond  Falke 
Fleming"  or  "Rev.  Raymond  F.  Fleming."  A  clergyman 
who  is  entitled  to  the  degree  of  doctor  may  use  ail  his 
title^/  on  his  professional  cards,  but  has  his  social  card 
engraved  merely :  "Ralph  Kendrick  Williams,  D.D." 

Not  infrequently  it  happens  that  a  man  has  occasion 
to  write  his  name  on  a  card  with  his  own  hand.  In  this 
case  he  does  not  omit  the  conventional  "Mr.,"  or  his  honor- 
ary titles,  but  writes  his  name  identically  as  it  would 
appear  if  engraved. 

No  card  should  be  crowded  with  a  great  deal  of  in- 
formation but  a  busines  card  may  bear  whatever  is  neces- 
sary really  to  represent  the  person  whose  name  appears 
upon  it.  The  salesman  or  other  representative  of  a  large 
firm  has  the  name  of  the  firm  on  his  business  card  and 
the  man  who  is  in  a  highly  specialized  kind  of  work  such 
as  advertising,  may  have  the  word  "Advertising"  en- 
graved on  his  card.  An  agent  for  a  particular  kind  of 
commodity  may  have  this  fact  indicated  on  his  business 
card.  Such  details  have,  of  course,  absolutely  no  place 
on  the  social  card. 

CAEDS   FOE-   MOITRNING 

The  tradition  of  edging  a  card  with  black  in  defer- 
ence to  the  dead  can  be  traced  back  to  the  ancient  Pata- 
gonians  who  used  black  paint  to  denote  the  passing  of  a 
spirit.  They  painted  tlieir  bodies  black,  if  they  were 
near  relatives  of  the  deceased,  and  painted  all  the  be- 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS         179 


longings  of  the  dead  man  or  woman  black.  This  may  not 
have  been  so  much  mourning  as  it  was  fear,  for  these  peo- 
ple of  long  ago  were  afraid  of  death,  and  they  used  the 
death-color  largely  to  please  the  spirit  of  the  one  who 
died.  Perhaps  the  black-bordered  mourning  cards  we 
use  to-day  are  used  more  in  the  spirit  of  ostentation  and 
display  rather  than  that  of  mourning. 

Unless  one  is  truly  sorrowing  over  the  death  of  some 
dear  one,  mourning  cards  should  not  be  used.  When  they 
are  used,  the  borders  should  be  very  narrow — never  more 
than  one-fourth  of  an  inch.  They  should  not  be  car- 
ried by  people  who  are  not  in  strict  mourning  garments. 

During  the  first  year  of  widowhood,  the  mourning  card 
should  have  a  black  border  one-fourth  of  an  inch  deep. 
The  second  year  the  border  may  be  diminished  one-six- 
teenth of  an  inch ;  and  every  six  months  after  that,  the 
same  amount  may  be  detracted  from  the  border,  until 
mourning  is  put  off  entirely.  A  widower's  card  has  a 
border  narrower  than  the  widow's  in  proportion  to  the 
size  of  their  respective  cards.  It,  too,  is  gradually  de- 
creased in  width  until  the  end  of  the  mourning  period. 

This  graduation,  or  rather  gradual  narrowing,  of  the 
border  is  not  used  in  the  mourning  of  a  sister's,  brother's 
or  parent's  death.  For  these  relatives,  a  border  not  less 
than  a  sixteenth  or  more  than  an  eighth  of  an  inch  in 
width  should  be  used.  Mourning  cards  should  not  be  as- 
sumed for  an  uncle,  aunt  or  cousin,  unless  genuine  sor- 
row and  heartfelt  sympathy  are  felt.  A  border  that  is 
a  sixteenth  of  an  inch  in  width  is  sufficient  for  the  com- 
plete period  of  mourning  for  these  latter  relatives. 

The  mourning  cards  of  parents  and  widows  should 
bear  the  broadest  black  borders,  but  even  they  must  not 
exceed  the  conventional  width,  which  is  not  more  than 


180  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE  ( 

one-fourth  of  an  inch.     Very  wide,  glaring  borders  de- 
note bad  taste  on  the  part  of  the  owner.    (  See  footnote)  * 


"WHEN   THE    WOMAN   GOES   A-CALLING 

A  visiting  card  is  always  left  on  the  hall  table  or  on  the 
card  tray,  if  it  is  not  given  to  the  servant.  The  caller 
must  on  no  occasion  carry  it  in  and  present  it  to  her 
hostess  like  a  billet  d' admission.  A  woman  never  pre- 
sents it  herself  to  her  hostess. 

When  the  call  is  made  on  the  hostess'  day  at  home,  cards 
tare  left  on  the  tray  in  the  hall  as  each  caller  passes 
through  to  the  drawing-  or  reception-room.  If  it  is  the 
first  call  of  the  season,  to  that  particular  friend  or  ac- 
quaintance, she  places  one  of  her  own  cards  and  one  of 
her  husband's  in  the  tray.  Subsequent  calls  of  the  sea- 
son do  not  require  one  of  her  own  cards  left  each  time  in 
the  tray ;  but  if  the  call  is  made  in  return  for  some  hos- 
pitality or  entertainment  accorded  her  and  her  husband, 
she  leaves  two  of  the  latter's  cards — provided,  only,  that 
the  hostess  is  a  married  woman. 

Until  about  1893,  women,  when  paying  calls  and  find- 
ing that  the  hostess  was  not  at  home,  turned  down  the 
left  comer  of  the  card  towards  the  center,  to  indicate 
that  all  the  women  members  of  the  family  were  included  in 
the  call.  If  the  right  comer  was  also  turned  down,  it 
meant  that  the  visitor  came  to  make  a  formal  call,  not 
for  the  simi)le  purpose  of  card-leaving.  Tliis  custom  has 
been  entirely  eliminated  in  America,  at  any  rate,  though 

•  There  seems  to  be  a  tendency  for  widows  to  use,  the  first  year  of 
their  mourning,  cards  that  have  borders  measuring  one-third  of  an  inch  in 
width.  Certainly  if  one  is  in  deep  mourning,  and  genuinely  sorrowing,  a 
border  of  this  width  is  permissible.  But  the  one-quarter  inch  border, 
varying  down  to  one-sixteenth  of  an  Inch,  is  always  preferred,  always 
ta  better  taste. 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  181 

it  still  prevails  in  certain  foreign  countries.     And  rightly 
so,  for  it  is  both  affected  and  untidy. 


L» 


WHEN    MOEE   THAN   ONE    CARD   IS   LEFT 


A  wife  beginning  her  rounds  of  first  calls,  leaves  two 
of  her  husband's  cards  with  one  of  her  own.  She  repeats 
this  when  she  comes  to  congratulate  or  condole,  and  when 
she  pays  her  final  calls  of  the  season.  It  is  wise  for  a 
wife  always  to  carry  a  number  of  her  husband's  cards  in 
her  card  case,  as  she  is  often  called  upon  to  use  them  for 
such  social  occasions  that  the  busy  business  man  is  loath 
to  attend. 

If  a  wife  calls  upon  a  friend  who  is  entertaining  for  a 
friend  or  relative  and  the  invitation  included  her  husband, 
she  leaves  three  of  his  cards  with  one  of  her  own  if  the 
hostess  is  a  married  woman,  two  of  his  and  one  of  hers 
if  she  is  single.  She  never  leaves  one  of  her  husband's 
cards  for  an  unmarried  daughter.  She  should  not  use 
the  card  bearing  both  her  name  and  that  of  her  husband 
but  should  use  two  separate  cards  when  it  is  in  connection 
with  social  calls. 

Etiquette  does  not  permit  a  woman  to  leave  a  card  for 
a  man.  She  may  call  on  a  man  only  for  the  purpose  of 
business,  and  then  she  uses  her  business  cards,  if  she  has 
them,  instead  of  her  social  ones.  A  married  woman  call- 
ing upon  a  single  woman  who  is  the  hostess  and  mistress 
of  her  own  home,  leaves  one  of  her  own  cards  and  one  of 
her  husband's,  or  the  joint  card  which  is  engraved,  **Mr. 
and  Mrs.  William  Allan  Beckford."  In  many  instances 
it  may  seem  more  courteous  to  leave  more  than  one  card, 
but  a  woman  calling  alone  should  never  leave  more  than 
three.     It  has  not  been  many  years  since  she  was  almost 


182  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

compelled  to  leave  half  a  dozen  or  more  but  common  sense 
intervened  and  this  custom  like  most  others  has  beer 
simplified. 

SOME  MORE  POINTS  ABOUT  CAJ.LS  AND  CARDS 

A  young  lady  during  her  first  year  in  society  may 
leave  her  name  on  the  same  card  with  her  mother's.  If 
there  are  two  debutante  daughters,  the  joint  card  is  made 
to  suffice  for  all  three.  If  a  young  lady  using  separate 
cards  calls  on  a  friend's  day  at  home,  she  may  put  two 
cards  into  the  tray  on  entering,  if  the  hostess  is  receiving 
with  a  friend  or  daughter,  or  she  may  leave  only  one  card, 
if  she  prefers.  This  is  done  only  when  the  call  is  the  first 
of  the  season,  or  when  it  is  in  return  for  some  entertain- 
ment. Otherwise,  if  the  young  lady  is  a  frequent  visitor 
to  the  house,  and  calls  on  her  friend's  day  at  home,  she 
need  not  leave  her  card. 

Neither  a  matron  nor  a  young  lady  may  leave  a  card  for 
a  masculine  member  of  a  household.  A  young  lady  pay- 
ing a  chance  call  on  a  mother  and  daughters,  and  being 
told  the  ladies  are  out,  leaves  two  of  her  cards.  An 
unmarried  woman  calling  on  her  married  friend  leaves  but 
one  card.  But  if  this  friend  has  a  friend  or  relative  re- 
ceiving with  her,  or  if  she  has  a  daughter  or  daughters 
in  society,  then  a  card  is  left  for  each  of  the  ladies. 

An  unmarried  woman,  living  with  a  father  or  brother, 
and  acting  as  mistress  of  the  household,  has  cards  left 
for  her  as  carefully  as  the  matron.  A  widow  must  also 
be  given  scrupulous  attention  in  the  matter  of  cards. 

A  young  lady  who  calls  after  a  dance,  dinner  or  thea- 
ter party  leaves  a  card  for  the  mother  of  the  young  friend 
upon  whom  she  calls.     If  a  mother  gives  a  dance  or  din- 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  183 

ner  in  honor  of  her  son  just  returned  from  college,  or 
just  leaving  for  college,  the  ladies  who  attend  call  after- 
ward only  on  the  hostess  and  leave  their  cards  for  her. 

Sometimes,  one  calls  upon  a  friend  or  acquaintance  at 
a  hotel  or  inn.  If  the  ladies  are  out,  the  caller  leaves 
cards  marked  for  the  persons  they  are  intended,  in  pencil. 
Otherwise  they  are  likely  to  go  astray,  considering  the 
indifference  and  carelessness  of  the  average  servants.  It 
is  also  customary  for  both  men  and  women,  when  pajdng 
calls  in  strange  neighborhoods,  to  write  on  their  cards 
their  temporary  address.  The  comer  that  is  opposite 
that  used  for  the  permanent  address  is  devoted  to  the 
fiUing-in  of  this  temporary  address. 

THE    CHANCE    CALh 

If  a  married  woman  calls  in  return  for  some  hospitality 
shown  her  and  her  husband,  she  leaves  two  of  her  own 
cards  and  two  of  his.  But  if  it  is  just  a  social  call,  she 
leaves  only  her  own  card.  In  this  latter  case,  she  asks  at 
the  door  to  see  the  ladies.  If  she  is  informed  that  they  are 
not  at  home,  she  gives  the  card  to  the  maid  and  departs. 
On  the  other  hand,  if  the  ladies  are  at  home,  the  card  is 
placed  on  the  tray  in  the  hall,  and  the  caller  goes  into  the 
drawing-room  to  be  welcomed  by  her  friends. 

If  the  maid  does  not  know  whether  or  not  the  ladies  are 
at  home,  and*  says  she  will  see,  the  caller  gives  her  own 
card  and  goes  into  the  drawing-room  to  wait  further  word 
from  the  maid.  Should  the  ladies  be  out,  she  leaves  two 
of  her  husband's  cards  on  the  card  tray  in  the  hall  before 
leaving.  If  the  ladies  are  at  home,  she  does  not  deposit 
her  husband's  cards  in  the  tray  until  her  departure. 

Very  often  a  lady  will  call  on  a  very  good  friend,  more 


184  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

for  a  friendly  little  talk  and  for  companionship  than  for 
social  duty.  In  this  case,  she  is  privileged  to  send  up 
only  one  card;  and  leave  it  behind,  whether  that  lady  is 
out  or  in,  without  any  other  cards. 

SEVIPI.E  CABD-IiEAVING 

Frequently,  cards  are  left  when  there  is  no  intention 
on  the  part  of  the  owner  to  make  a  call.  To  return  calls 
made  upon  one,  by  persistent  card-leaving,  is  to  indicate 
that  one  wishes  to  draw  a  friendship  to  a  close.  It  is 
accomplished  merely  by  leaving  a  card,  on  no  particiilar 
at-home  day  but  simply  by  chance,  and  by  making  no  in- 
quiries of  the  servant.  One  says  to  a  servant,  "Please 
forward  these  cards  to  Miss  Adams"  or,  "These  cards 
are  for  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Blakelock." 

There  are  several  exceptions — several  occasions  when 
cards  may  be  left  without  a  formal  call  and  still  indicate 
no  desire  to  terminate  an  acquaintanceship.  It  is  only 
persistent  card-leaving  that  is  indicative  of  this  latter. 
A  lady  in  mourning,  for  instance,  is  privileged  to  leave 
her  cards  only  in  return  for  invitations  she  may  have 
received.  It  is  proper  for  people  in  mourning  to  leave 
cards  for  all  those  persons  who  called  after  the  burial  to 
leave  cards  of  condolence;  these  return  cards  are  usually 
black-bordered,  and  they  are  left  about  one  month  after 
the  funeral. 

Another  custom  that  remains  unchanged  through  the 
constant  evolution  of  social  culture,  is  that  of  leaving 
cards  for  the  bride's  mother  when  invitations  to  the 
church  ceremony  only  are  received,  and  when  the  bride's 
mother  is  a  stranger  to  the  person  invited.  Upon  re- 
ceiving the  announcement  of  a  wedding,  the  proper  thing 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  185 

E(5  do  is  to  leave  cards  for  the  bride's  mother,  even  though 
she  is  a  total  stranger. 

Cards  must  be  left  by  each  guest  for  the  lady  who  has 
entertained  a  club,  charity  or  literary  organization,  at 
her  home.  They  ser\'e  the  same  purpose  as  cards  that  are 
left  after  an  entertainment  or  hospitaUty  on  the  part  of 
the  hostess. 

The  custom  of  card-leaving  without  a  call  is  also  ob- 
served when  a  friend  or  acquaintance  goes  to  a  home  that 
has  been  visited  by  death. 

SHOITLD    A    STRANGER    LEAVE    CARDS? 

The  question  has  often  been  asked,  whether  or  not  a 
man  or  woman  being  entertained  by  friends,  is  obligated 
to  leave  cards  when  they  accompany  those  friends  on 
calls.  There  are  certain  varying  conditions  that  govern 
the  answers  to  this  question. 

The  stranger  is  invited  to  accompany  the  caller  pri- 
marily as  a  matter  of  convenience.  If  the  person  visited 
is  not  at  home,  no  question  of  card-leaving  is  involved — 
only  the  friend  leaves  cards  and  not  the  stranger.  But 
if  the  hostess  is  found  at  home,  and  if  the  stranger  in- 
tends to  spend  at  least  two  weeks  in  the  neighborhood, 
it  is  necessary  for  him,  or  her,  to  leave  cards.  It  is  not 
necessary  for  the  stranger  to  leave  cams  when  the 
visit  in  the  neighborhood  is  to  be  a  short  one,  and  the  call 
is  entirely  a  matter  of  convenience.  If  no  card  is  left, 
the  hostess  will  understand  that  no  call  is  expected  in 
return,  and  that  the  stranger  expects  no  invitations  to 
the  coming  social  activities  in  the  neighborhood. 

Sometimes  a  man  or  woman  accompanies  a  friend  or 
relative  to  the  home  of  a  stranger,  for  the  purpose,  pre- 


186  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

viously  arranged,  of  being  introduced  and  paying  a  first 
call.  Here  the  etiquette  of  card-leaving  is  clearly  de- 
fined. If  the  call  is  made  on  the  day  at  home,  the  caller 
leaves  his  or  her  cards  on  the  hall  table,  just  as  for  any 
other  first  call.  But  if  it  happens  to  be  a  chance  call, 
and  the  hostess  is  not  at  home,  the  stranger  leaves  cards 
with  those  of  the  friend. 

When  two  women  pay  a  chance  call  together,  and  one 
is  a  perfect  stranger  at  the  house  visited,  no  question  of 
card  etiquette  arises  if  the  hostess  is  not  at  home.  But 
if  she  is  at  home,  the  stranger  may  pencil  his  or  her  name 
on  the  card  that  the  friend  sends  up.  No  card  is  left  by 
this  stranger,  unless  he  has  been  cordially  entertained  in 
the  hostess*  drawing  room,  served  with  tea,  and  unless 
the  hostess  has  expressed  a  desire  of  meeting  him,  or  her, 
again.  In  this  case,  a  card  is  left  when  the  stranger  is 
departing,  and  a  return  call  is  expected. 

CASDS  AND  BUSINESS  CAULS 

The  laws  of  social  calling  and  card-leaving  do  not  hold 
true  when  a  business  call  is  made.  A  special  set  of  rules 
take  care  of  all  business  calls  that  the  woman  may  make. 

The  usage  which  governs  the  woman  who  is  calling 
upon  a  man  on  a  matter  of  business  has  already  been 
described.  She  does  not  send  in  her  card.  To  give  her 
name  to  the  attendant,  stating  her  business,  or  to  write 
both  on  a  slip  of  paper  provided  for  the  purpose,  is  suf- 
ficient. 

If  the  business  call  is  made  on  a  woman  who  is  a 
stranger  to  the  other  woman  who  is  making  the  call,  it  is 
necessary  to  send  in  one  card,  inscribed  with  the  name  of 
the  caller  and  a  few  penciled  words  regarding  the  nature 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  187 

of  the  business.     Or  the  card  may  be  sent  in  with  a  brief 
word  to  the  servant  regarding  the  purpose  of  the  call. 

Two  women  who  are  on  charity  committees,  or  other 
committees,  together,  who  are  social  equals  but  who  do 
not  exchange  cards  and  calls,  have  a  special  card  etiquette 
to  follow  when  calling  upon  each  other  regarding  mat- 
ters of  mutual  interest  on  the  committee.  The  caller 
sends  up  one  of  her  own  personal  cards  with  a  word  or 
two  explaining  the  object  of  the  call.  This  card  is  left 
with  the  servant  to  give  to  the  hostess  if  she  is  not  at 
home. 

WHEN    A   MAN    LEAVES    CARDS 

All  the  rules  of  card-leaving  outlined  for  the  woman 
who  follows  the  dictates  of  social  calling,  may  be  applied 
to  the  well-bred  young  man — ^but  with  the  following  ex- 
ceptions : 

A  man  never  leaves  the  cards  of  any  other  man,  nor 
does  he  assume  any  of  the  card-leaving  duties  incurred 
by  the  feminine  members  of  his  family.  When  calling 
on  a  lady's  afternoon  at  home,  the  gentleman  leaves  one 
card  for  the  hostess  and  one  for  the  host  on  the  card  tray, 
on  entering  the  house.  Whether  the  host  is  at  home  or 
not,  if  the  caller  is  acquainted  with  him,  he  must  leave 
one  of  his  cards  for  him,  provided  that  the  call  is  being 
made  in  return  for  some  hospitality  enjoyed.  If  there 
is  a  young  daughter  in  the  family  with  whom  the  caller 
is  acquainted,  a  third  card  must  be  left. 

A  young  man,  calling  at  the  home  of  a  young  lady, 
asks  to  see  the  ladies,  meaning  the  mother  or  chaperon 
as  well  as  the  particular  young  lady  herself.  No  well- 
mannered  young  man  asks  to  see  only  one  lady,  when 


188  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

there  are  several  others  in  the  house.  If  the  ladies  are 
out,  he  may  leave  a  sufficient  number  of  cards  for  all  of 
them,  including  one  for  the  host  or  he  may  leave  one  card 
without  explanation.  If  the  ladies  are  in,  he  still  leaves 
a  card  for  the  host  on  the  hall  table  when  he  is  departing. 

When  making  his  first  or  last  call  of  the  season,  a 
man  may  leave  one  card  for  each  one  of  the  ladies  and 
each  one  of  the  men  of  the  household  with  whom  he  is  ac- 
quainted. This  holds  true  only  when  the  call  is  made 
on  the  day  at  home,  or  on  a  Sunday  afternoon  or  eve- 
ning. The  man  who  calls  on  a  lady's  day  at  home,  and 
whose  call  has  no  reference  to  any  social  debts  or  obli- 
gations, leaves  only  one  card — and  if  he  is  an  intimate 
friend  at  the  house  where  the  call  is  made,  he  leaves  no 
cards  at  all. 

Men's  social  calls  are  few.  Business  affairs  require 
most  of  their  time,  and  the  duty  of  card-leaving  is  gen- 
erally given  into  the  hands  of  a  feminine  relative — either 
mother,  sister  or  wife.  Married  men  invariably  entrust 
their  formal  social  duties  to  their  wives,  but  single  men 
must  not  take  advantage  of  this  privilege.  It  is  all  very 
well  for  a  mother  or  sister  to  leave  the  cards  of  a  son  or 
brother  who  is  busy  at  his  office  on  the  hostesses  whose 
hospitality  they  enjoyed  together.  But  when  a  young 
man  is  entertained  by  a  hostess  who  is  not  on  his  mother's 
or  sister's  visiting  list,  it  is  very  important  for  him  to 
make  his  return  calls  in  person.  This  is  especially  true 
in  regard  to  dinner  and  ball  hospitalities — they  require 
immediate  and  cordial  reciprocation  in  the  matter  of  calls 
and  card-leaving. 

THE  man's  chance   CALJ. 

Unless  the  ladies  are  in  the  drawing-room,  ready  to  re- 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  189 

ceive,  a  man,  upon  making  a  chance  call,  sends  up  his 
card  or  cards  to  the  people  he  wishes  to  see.  If  the  serv- 
ant who  opens  the  door  does  not  know  whether  or  not 
the  ladies  are  at  home,  or  if  she  says  that  they  are  at  home 
but  not  downstairs,  the  caller  places  his  cards  on  the  tray 
and  waits  in  the  drawing-room  for  the  return  of  the 
servant. 

If  the  call  is  made  after  a  ball,  dinner  or  theater  party, 
and  the  young  man  is  calling  on  the  young  ladies  of  the 
household,  he  sends  up  a  card  for  each  young  lady,  and 
also  one  for  the  mother  or  chaperon.  If  the  call  is  made 
for  the  express  purpose  of  seeing  one  particular  young 
lady,  a  card  must  be  sent  up  for  her  and  for  her  mother 
or  chaperon.  Two  cards  are  also  requied  when  a  man 
calls  upon  a  maried  couple,  in  whose  name  he  has  re- 
ceived some  hospitality.     He  sends  up  one  card  for  each. 

After  having  called  several  times  at  a  certain  house,  ob- 
viously for  the  purpose  of  seeing  a  young  lady  of  the  fam- 
ily and  enjoying  her  society,  it  is  no  longer  necessary  to 
include  the  chaperon  in  the  ceremony  of  card-leaving.* 
(See  footnote.)  One  may  send  a  card  up  only  to  the  lady 
one  wishes  to  see. 

ABOUT  LEAVING  AND  POSTTNG  CABDS 

When  an  invalid,  elderly  lady  or  woman  in  deep  mourn- 
ing desires  to  repay  by  some  courtesy,  calls  made  upon 
her  or  invitations  received,  she  may  leave  cards  at  a  door 
instead  of  paying  a  personal  call,  or  sending  them  by  post 
or  messenger.  A  very  busy  hostess  may  employ  the  same 
means  of  returning  a  dinner  call  or  first  call  that  she  owes 

*  Chaperon  being  to-day  a  practically  obsolete  term,  we  nse  It  hore  to 
signify  the  parent  or  guardian  most  directly  concerned  with  the  social 
welfare  of  the  youcg  lady. 


190  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

a  friend  or  acquaintance,  especially  if  she  is  desirous  of 
extending  an  invitation.  Instead  of  leaving  the  card, 
she  may  even,  for  lack  of  time  and  opportunity,  post  it 
with  an  engraved  or  written  invitation. 

A  man  or  woman  unable  to  accept  an  invitation,  ex- 
tended by  a  hostess  to  whom  he  or  she  is  a  stranger,  is 
obligated  to  leave  cards  within  two  weeks  after  the  en- 
tertainment. Similarly,  the  guests,  men  and  wcwnen,  in- 
vited to  the  ceremony  of  a  church  wedding,  leave  cards 
for  the  bride's  mother  within  two  weeks  after  the  wed- 
ding. Even  though  one  is  a  stranger  to  the  mother,  this 
card  must  be  left  as  a  matter  of  courtesy  and  social  obli- 
gation. People  who  receive  cards  announcing  a  marriage 
are  also  expected  to  leave  cards  for  the  mother  of  the 
bride.  A  friend  of  the  groom  who  is  a  stranger  to  the 
bride  and  her  family,  and  who  finds  that  he  is  unable 
to  attend  the  ceremony  to  which  he  has  been  invited,  need 
not  pay  a  call,  but  must  leave  a  card  for  the  bride's  mother 
a  week  or  two  after  the  wedding. 

Other  occasions  requiring  card-leaving  are  those  in- 
quiries regarding  the  health  and  condition  of  a  friend; 
sympathy  and  good  feeling  in  the  event  of  some  misfor- 
tune; condolence;  congratulation;  and  upon  announcing 
a  prolonged  absence  from,  or  a  reentrance  into,  society. 
A  change  of  address  is  also  usually  made  known  by  means 
of  card-leaving. 

If  one  is  invited  to  an  afternoon  or  evening  reception, 
and  finds  it  impossible  to  attend,  cards  should  be  sent 
either  by  mail  or  messenger,  so  that  they  reach  the  hostess 
on  the  day  of  her  entertainment.  If  the  cards  are  sent 
by  hand  or  by  post,  they  should  be  enclosed  in  a  card 
envelope,  sealed,  and  addressed  to  the  host  and  hostess 
— ^provided,  of  course,  that  both  of  their  names  appear 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS         1^1 


on  the  invitation.  If  the  affair  is  in  honor  of  som&  spe- 
cial person  a  card  is  left  for  or  sent  to  that  person  in  addi- 
tion to  the  one  for  the  hostess. 

If  posted  cards  of  regret  are  sent  by  a  single  woman, 
she  includes  one  for  the  debutante  or  for  the  guest  of 
honor,  in  addition  to  the  one  enclosed  for  the  hostess. 
The  married  woman  adds  to  these  two,  three  more  of  her 
husband's.  A  single  man,  under  the  same  circumstances, 
sends  three  of  his  cards  if  the  reception  is  given  in  honor 
of  a  debutante  or  a  guest  of  honor  (masculine  or  femi- 
nine), and  if  the  invitation  was  issued  in  the  name  of  a 
host  and  hostess. 

One  may  send  cards  of  inquiry,  congratulation  and  con- 
dolence by  post  or  messenger,  only  if  one  is  indisposed, 
invalided,  or  inconveniently  situated  at  a  great  distance 
from  the  persons  addressed.  It  is  always  better  form  to 
pay  these  calls  in  person,  and  leave  the  cards  oneself. 
However,  the  cards  of  inquiry,  congratulation  and  con- 
dolence may  all  be  acknowledged  by  post  or  messenger,  as 
one  desires. 

liEAVINO  CABDS   OF  INQUIEY 

On  one's  card,  the  words  "To  inquire"  or  "May  you 
recover  rapidly"  may  be  penciled  when  a  call  of  inquiry 
regarding  the  health  of  a  friend  is  made.  During  a  long 
illness,  calls  by  friends  and  acquaintances  who  have  been 
in  the  habit  of  making  social  calls,  should  be  made  at 
least  three  times  a  week.  By  these  "calls,"  you  under- 
stand, we  mean  mere  calls  of  inquiry  when  the  card  is  left 
by  the  door  and  the  patient  is  not  seen  personally. 

Card-leaving  for  inquiry,  condolence  and  congratula- 
tion is  invariably  made  in  person.     Before  a  funeral,  an 


19«  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

engraved  card  with  a  word  or  two  of  regret  penciled  on 
the  right  side,  may  be  entrusted  to  the  servant.  When 
husbands  and  wives  call  separately  or  together,  they 
leave  their  own  individual  cards.  In  cases  of  this  kind, 
they  do  not  leave  cards  for  each  other.  But  when  a  mar- 
ried couple  calls  to  offer  sympathy  for  the  loss  of  a  daugh- 
ter or  son,  two  of  the  husband's  and  one  of  the  wife's 
cards  are  left.  Only  one  card  each  is  left  for  a  widow, 
as  for  a  widower  also.  Cards  left  for  orphaned  children 
are  meant  for  the  oldest,  who  now  represents  the  head  of 
the  family. 

About  two  weeks  after  a  funeral,  cards  are  left  with 
the  mourning  family,  unless  a  special  call  of  condolence 
is  made.  In  this  case,  the  cards  are  left  just  as  though 
it  were  a  social  call  being  made.  Black-bordered  cards 
are  never  used  except  by  people  who  are  themselves  in 
mourning.  A  matron  may  leave  cards  for  her  entire  fam- 
ily, and  a  sister  may  fulfill  the  duty  for  a  busy  brother. 

It  is  neither  complimentary  nor  genuinely  courteous  to 
post  a  card  to  inquire  after  a  friend  or  acquaintance  who 
is  iU.  It  should  be  left  at  the  door  in  person,  after  ask- 
ing news  of  the  invalid's  condition.  A  word  of  cheer  or 
inquiry  may  be  penciled  below  the  caller's  name,  engraved 
on  the  card. 

Calls  of  inquiry,  condolence  and  the  like  are  made  with- 
out reference  to  social  indebtedness,  but  in  all  other  cases 
except  among  intimate  friends,  the  convention  of  alter- 
nating calls  should  be  adhered  to. 

ACKNOWXEDGING  CA£I)S  OF  INaUIBY  AND  CONDOLENCE 

A  large,  square  card  in  plain  white  or  with  a  black 
border,  inscribed  as  follows,  is  ideal  to  send  to  those  peo- 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  193 

pie  who  called  to  offer  sympathy  and  condolence  during 
a  bereavement,  posted  two  weeks  after  funeral: 

Mrs.  Robert  Guy  Marvnering  and  Family 

gratefvUy  acknowledge 

your  kind  expression  of  sympathy 

upon  the  death  of  their 

beloved 

husband  and  father 

Robert  Guy  Mannervng. 

Another  acceptable  form  frequently  used  to  acknowl- 
edge calls  of  condolence  before  and  after  a  funeral,  is : 

The  family  of  the  late  John  Ray 

acknowledge  with  sincere  appreciation 

your  kind  sympathy. 

The  name  "John  Ray"  may  appear  on  the  second  line  by 
itself,  or  it  may  be  part  of  the  first  line  as  shown  above, 
entirely  according  to  taste  or  the  prevalent  popular  cus- 
tom. The  address  of  the  bereaved  family  should  appear 
towards  the  bottom  of  the  card,  slightly  to  the  left.  It 
is  always  better  form  to  have  it  printed  in  italics. 

Invalids,  to  express  gratitude  for  the  courtesies  shown 
them  by  friends,  write  or  dictate  notes  of  thanks  imme- 
diately upon  becoming  well  again.  Often  a  popular 
hostess  will  receive  a  vast  nimiber  of  solicitous  cards  and 
notes  of  inquiry  during  an  illness,  and  it  will  be  necessary 
for  her  in  her  still  weakened  state,  to  trust  to  the  mails 
to  thank  the  friends  and  acquaintances  who  inquired  for 
her.  She  may  send  her  ordinary  visiting  card,  with  the 
words,  "Thank  you  for  your  kind  inquiries"  or  others 


194  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

to  that  effect,  written  across  it.  "Thanks"  should  never 
be  used  instead  of  "Thank  you."  Its  brevity  carries  a 
suggestion  of  discourtesy. 

ANNOUNCEMENT   CARDS 

At  the  present  time,  the  vogue  of  sending  out  cards  an- 
nouncing a  death  in  the  family,  has  been  almost  entirely 
discontinued  in  better  society.  Instead,  an  announcement 
is  inserted  in  the  newspapers,  giving  particulars  about 
the  death  and  also  the  day  of  the  funeral.  It  is  by  far 
a  more  satisfactory  method.  A  typical  newspaper  an- 
nouncement follows: 

Cole. — At  WhitehoTise,  N.  J.,  on  February  23,  1921, 
Rose  Emily,  beloved  wife  of  Robert  M.  Cole,  suc- 
cumbed to  pneumonia.  Services  at  Chapel,  Al- 
bany Rural  Cemetery,  Saturday,  February  26,  at 
3  P.M. 

When  a  betrothal  takes  place,  announcement  cards  are 
sometimes  sent  out,  but  it  is  not  necessary  to  have  spe- 
cially engraved  cards.  As  a  rule,  the  mother  of  the 
happy  young  bride  writes  notes  to  intimate  friends  and 
acquaintances,  or  inscribes  the  news  on  her  visiting  cards 
and  posts  them  to  those  of  her  friends  with  whom  both 
she  and  her  daughter  are  most  intimate. 

Weddings  are  usually  announced  by  means  of  engraved 
cards.  The  correct  form  for  these  is  given  elsewhere. 
Engraved  cards  also  announce  the  birth  of  a  child.  For 
this,  one  may  have  a  tiny  white  card  engraved  with  the 
baby's  name,  and  attached  to  the  mother's  card  with  a 
narrow  white  satin  ribbon.     It  is  posted  to  all  friends 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS         195 

*nd  acquaintances.  In  lieu  of  an  address,  which  appears 
on  mother's  card,  baby's  card  bears  the  date  of  the  birth 
in  the  lower  right-hand  comer.  The  joint  card  of  the 
father  and  mother  may  be  used  to  announce  the  birth  of 
a  child,  the  full  name  of  the  infant  being  engraved  in 
small  letters  above  the  names  of  its  parents. 

The  card  announcing  the  birth  of  a  child  is  sent  by 
mail.  Immediately  upon  its  receipt,  friends  and  acquaint- 
ances make  calls  to  inquire  after  the  health  of  mother 
and  child,  and  to  leave  cards  for  both.  When  one  is  pre- 
vented from  calling — and  there  should  always  be  suf- 
ficient reason  for  not  calling — one  may  respond  to  the 
card  of  announcement  by  posting  one's  own  card  to  the 
mother,  with  congratulations  penciled  above  the  name. 
Acknowledgment  of  some  kind  must  be  made  promptly. 

WHEN   TKAVEUNG 

To  the  man  or  woman  who  travels,  those  tiny  bits  of 
bristol  board  are  important  factors  in  keeping  him  or  her 
in  touch  with  the  home  social  life  left  behind.  When  one 
arrives  at  a  strange  place,  perhaps  thousands  of  miles 
from  a  friend,  and  one  intends  to  remain  there  for  several 
weeks — or  months — one's  visiting  cards  posted  to  all 
friends  and  acquaintances,  and  bearing  one's  temporary 
address,  ties  one  to  home  in  a  particularly  pleasing  way. 
Letters  follow  in  their  wake.  News  of  social  activities 
reach  one.  And  one  begins  to  feel  that  after  all,  this 
strange  land  is  not  so  distant ! 

And  so,  if  you  travel,  remember  that  as  soon  as  you 
reach  a  place  where  you  intend  to  stop  for  a  short  while, 
send  out  visiting  cards  to  all  your  friends,  relatives  and 
acquaintances,  and  let  them  know  your  temporary  ad- 


196  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

dress.  It  may  be  written  in  pencil  or  ink  above  the  home 
address.  When  you  change  your  address  permanently, 
be  sure  that  all  your  friends  and  acquaintances  know 
of  the  change.  For  this  purpose,  the  old  visiting  cards 
are  the  best  to  use;  they  may  be  sent  with  a  line  drawn 
through  the  old  address,  and  the  new  written  above  it. 

A  man  stopping  at  a  hotel  for  a  week  or  two,  and  de- 
sirous of  letting  his  friends  in  the  vicinity  know  of  his 
whereabouts,  posts  his  cards  bearing  the  temporary  ad- 
dress, to  all  his  masculine  friends,  and  calls  and  leaves  his 
card  upon  the  women  he  wishes  to  see.  A  woman  stopping 
at  a  hotel  or  resort,  posts  her  visiting  cards,  with  the 
temporary  address  above  her  home  address,  to  all  whose 
attention  she  wishes  to  claim, — men  and  women. 

p.   p.    C.    CAKDS 

Pour  prendre  conge,  it  means,  a  French  expression 
translated  to  read,  **To  take  leave."  And  it  is  used  in 
connection  with  those  last-day  visits  before  one  sails  for 
Europe,  or  starts  on  a  long  trip  to  some  distant  place. 

The  ordinary  visiting  card  is  used,  with  the  letters 
P.P.C.  written  in  pencil  or  ink  in  one  comer,  indicating 
the  departure  and  so  differentiating  it  from  other  cards. 
Cards  so  inscribed  are  posted  to,  or  left  with,  all  friends 
and  acquaintances,  a  day  or  two  before  setting  out  on 
the  voyage.  No  acknowledgment  is  necessary  as  they  are 
courtesy-cards  with  no  relation  whatever  to  one's  social 
debts  and  dues. 

P.P.C.  cards  are  always  necessary  before  an  extended 
departure,  but  they  are  particularly  so  when  one  owes 
calls  in  return  for  hospitality,  or  calls  in  return  for  first 
calls.     If  there  is  very  little  time,  and  a  great  many  calls 


VISITING  CARDS— AND  OTHERS  197 

Mto  be  attended  to,  it  is  entirely  correct  in  this  case  to 
drive  from  house  to  house,  leaving  the  cards  with  the 
servant  who  opens  the  door.  The  cards  may  even  be 
posted  a  day  before  the  departure,  if  time  is  very  much 
limited. 

I  It  is  not  usual  for  P.P.C.  cards  to  be  distributed  at  the 
^nd  of  the  season,  when  members  of  society  make  their 
regular  change  of  residence.  As  explained  under  the 
head  "When  Traveling,"  a  visiting  card  may  be  sent  to 
one's  friends  and  acquaintances,  bearing  the  temporary 
address  above  the  permanent  home  address.  IThus  the 
P.P.C.  card  would  not  be  especially  necessary. 


CHAPTER  V 
INVITATIONS 

SOME    GENERAIi    RUIiES 

No  matter  how  informal,  an  invitation  should  always 
be  acknowledged  within  a  week  of  its  receipt.  It  should 
be  a  definite  acknowledgment — either  an  acceptance  or 
refusal — and  no  doubt  should  be  left  as  to  whether  the 
writer  intends  to  be  present  or  not.  An  invitation  must 
always  be  answered  in  kind;  that  is,  a  formal  invitation 
requires  a  formal  reply,  following  closely  the  wording 
of  the  invitation.  The  informal  invitation  should  be 
cordial  enough  to  warrant  a  cordial  and  friendly  reply; 
both  invitation  and  acknowledgment  should  be  free  of  all 
stilted  phrasing. 

Formal  invitations  for  evening  affairs  should  be  ad- 
dressed to  husband  and  wife,  omitting  neither  one  nor 
the  other.  (The  exception  to  this  rule  is  the  *'stag"  or 
its  feminine  equivalent.)  If  there  is  only  one  daughter 
in  the  family,  she  may  be  included  in  the  invitation,  but 
when  there  are  two  or  more  daughters  to  be  invited,  a 
separate  invitation  addressed  to  The  Misses  Brown  is  es- 
sential. Invitations  sent  to  the  masculine  members  of  a 
family,  other  than  the  husband,  are  sent  individually. 

Invitations  sent  to  a  husband  and  wife  are  acknowl- 
edged in  the  names  of  both.     If  a  daughter  is  included* 


w 

nei"  name 


INVITATIONS  199 


lei"  name  is  also  added  to  the  acknowledgment.  The  wife 
usually  answers  the  invitation,  and  although  it  was  sent 
in  the  name  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Blank,  she  sends  her  ac- 
knowledgment to  Mrs.  Blank  alone. 

An  invitation  may  never  be  acknowledged  on  any  kind 
of  a  visiting  card,  although  a  visiting  card  may  be  used 
in  an  invitation.  For  very  large,  formal  social  func- 
tions, invitations  are  always  engraved.  A  young  girl 
does  not  issue  invitations  to  men  in  her  own  name,  but  in 
that  of  her  mother  or  guardian.  She  should  say  in  her 
invitations  that  her  mother,  Mrs.  Blank,  desires  her  to 
extend  the  invitation  to  Mrs.  Brown,  etc. 

In  replying  to  invitations,  explicit  details  must  be 
given.  The  day  of  week,  date  and  hour  should  be  quoted, 
copying  from  the  invitation,  so  that  any  discrepancy  made 
in  the  invitation  will  be  noted  and  corrected  by  the  hostess 
when  she  receives  the  acknowledgment.  This  does  away 
with  any  possibility  of  such  embarrassing  blunders  as 
calling  on  the  wrong  day  or  at  the  wrong  hour. 

Only  the  most  informal  invitation  should  be  given  by 
telephone,  by  word  of  mouth  or  orally  by  a  messenger, 
but  every  invitation  should  be  either  declined  courteously 
or  accepted  with  enthusiasm  promptly. 


IJIVITATION  TO  A  FORMAIi  DANCE 

The  word  **dancing"  is  usually  placed  in  the  lower  left- 
hand  comer  of  the  invitation  to  denote  the  object  of  the 
evening's  gathering;  thus  no  specific  mention  that  the 
entertainment  is  to  be  a  ball  is  necessary. 

Following  are  the  most  approved  forms  of  invitations 
used  for  the  very  formal  balls: 


200  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Kilgore 
request  the  pleasure  of  your  company 
on  Thursday  evening^  January  the  tenth 

at  nme  o'clock 
Dancing  Scarsdaie 


or 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Kilgore 
request  the  pleasure  of 

company,  at  a  costume  dance 

to  be  given  at  their  home 

an  Thursday,  Jarmar^f   the    troenty-sixth 

at  eleven  o'clock 

Costume  de  Rigueur  1^  Main  Street 

The  words,  **Please  reply,"  may  be  added  although  they 
should  be  unnecessary  since  every  person  of  good  breed- 
ing will  reply  immediately  to  such  an  invitation  whether 
he  intends  to  accept  or  refuse. 


ACCEPTING  THE  INVFTATION 

When  the  invitation  to  a  dance  bears  a  request  for  a 
reply,  a  prompt  answer  should  be  sent.  If  the  invitation 
itself  is  in  the  third  person,  the  reply  should  follow  the 
same  form.  For  a  formal  ball,  an  acceptance  or  regret 
should  be  mailed  within  forty-eight  hours  after  receipt  of 
the  invitation.  Here  are  the  correct  forms  for  the  invi- 
tations above: 


INVITATIONS  201 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Harris 

accept  with  pleasure 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Kilgore's 

kind  invitation  to  he  present 

for  dancing 

on  Thursday  evening,  January  the  tenth 

at  nine  o'clock 

14,8  Grand  Boulevard 

Mr.  arid  Mrs.  John  Harris 

regret  exceedingly  that  they 

are  unable  to  accept 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Kilgore's 

kivtd  invitation  to  a  costume  dance 

to  he  given  at  their  home. 

Brooklvne. 

When  the  acknowledgment  is  a»  regret,  it  is  not  neces- 
sary to  repeat  the  date  and  hour  for  the  obvious  reason 
that  as  long  as  one  is  not  going,  it  makes  no  diflference 
whether  or  not  the  details  of  time  are  correct. 

FOR   THE   INFOBMAIi   DAKCK 

When  the  dance  is  a  small  and  less  formal  affair,  a 
short  note  is  used,  though  the  more  punctilious  social 
usage  frowns  upon  the  employment  of  visiting  cards  for 
such  purposes.  Following  is  the  correct  visiting  card  for 
informal  dance  purposes. 

Mr,  and  Mrs.  Harold  Champ 
at  Home 
Dancing  at  Ten       432  Maple  Street 
April  the  Fifth 


202  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

The  acknowledgment  should  be  hand-written  on  white 
note  paper,  and  couched  in  a  cordial,  informal  manner. 

THE   DINNEE  DANCE 

The  dinner  dance  seems  to  be  one  of  society's  most 
favored  functions.  For  this  affair  it  is  necessary  for 
the  hostess  to  issue  two  sets  of  invitations ;  one  set  to  the 
people  she  wishes  to  entertain  at  dinner,  and  one  to  those 
whom  she  wishes  to  invite  for  the  dancing  only.  The  din- 
ner invitation  would  be  the  regular  engraved  dinner  card 
with  the  words  "Dancing  at  ten"  written  in  the  lower 
left-hand  corner.  The  dance  invitations  would  be  her 
regular  at-home  cards  with  the  words  "Dancing  at  ten" 
written  in  the  lower  left-hand  comer. 

A  very  popular  method  of  inviting  people  to  informal 
dance  parties — a  method  that  has  won  favor  among  host- 
esses who  are  fond  of  inviting  just  a  few  young  men  and 
women  in  to  dance  and  enjoy  simple  refreshment — is  that 
of  using  the  joint  visiting  card  of  herself  and  her  hus- 
band and  writing  in  the  lower  left-hand  comer : 

Dancing  at  eleven 
April  tlie  fourth 

This  may  be  written  in  in  ink — and  as  an  invitation 
the  card  may  be  used  to  take  the  place  of  the  written 
invitation  or  the  formal  third-person  note. 

THE    DEBUT    DANCE 

An  ordinary  dance  invitation  with  the  calling  card  of 
the  debutante  included  may  be  used  for  the  occasion  of  in- 


INVITATIONS  203 

troducing  the  debut  daughter  to  society.     A  more  strictly 
formal  form  follows : 

Mr.  arid  Mrs.  Charles  Wendover, 

request  the  pleasure 

of  mtroducmg  their  daughter 

Emily  Justine 

to 

on  Tuesday,  May  the  third 
at  eight  o'clock 

10  Merril  Parkway 

INVITATIONS   POE.   THE    SUBSCRIPTION   DANCE 

Following  is  the  correct  invitation  to  use  when  the  sub- 
scription dance  is  held  in  the  drawing-room  of  a  hotel. 
It  should  be  engraved  in  script  upon  large  white  letter 
sheets : 

The  pleasure  of 
" ^«  •  ..•••... »-»i 

company  is  requested  at  the 

Third  Reunion 

at  the  Richelieu  Hotel 

on  Friday  evening ,  April  the  tenth 

from  nine  until  one  o'clock. 

Patronesses 

Mrs.  Johnson  Mrs.  Meredith 

Mrs.  Mooers  Mrs.  Thompson 

Mrs.  Clur^, 

With  the  invitation  above,  "vouchers"  are  invariably 
included.     These  "vouchers"  are  for  the  purpose  of  en- 


204  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

abling  subscribers  and  patronesses  to  extend  hospitali- 
ties to  their  friends,  but  also  to  bar  the  admittance  of 
those  people  who  were  not  invited.  Here  is  the  form 
usually  used  for  the  ''voucher": 

Third  Revmon 
Gentlemen's  Voucher 

Admit ' 

on  Friday  evening,  April  the  tenth 
Compliments   of    

To  do  away  with  the  necessity  of  the  "voucher"  a  card 
like  the  following  is  used : 

Third  Reunion 


The  pleasure  of  your  company  is  requested 

on   Tuesday,   the   tenth  of  Ju/ne 

at  eight  o^ clock 

Community  Club 

18  Forest  Avenue 
Please  present  this  card  at  the  door. 

If  the  invitations  are  issued  and  distributed  by  a  com- 
mittee or  board  of  directors,  instead  of  by  private  sub- 
scribers, the  words : 

The  Committee  of  the  Third  Reunion 

Hilldale  Club 

^34-  Kingston  Avenue 

appear  beneath  the  engraving,  in  the  left-hand  comer. 
The  proper  form  is  to  use  a  letter  sheet,  engraving  the 


INVITATIONS  206 

invitation  on  the  outer  face,  and  listing  on  the  second 
inner  face,  the  names  of  the  men  who  are  giving  the  ball. 
However,  it  is  also  correct  to  use  a  large  bristol  board 
card,  listing  the  hosts  on  the  reverse  side,  or  on  another 
similar  card. 

ACKNOWLEDGING  SUBSCRIPTION  DANCE  INVITATIONS 

An  invitation  to  a  subscription  ball,  received  in  the 
name  of  the  whole  body  of  subscribers,  requires  a  prompt 
acknowledgment  of  acceptance  or  denial  to  the  address 
given  on  the  card.  But  if  a  subscriber  extends  an  in- 
vitation to  a  friend,  enclosing  with  the  invitation  his  or 
her  own  card,  the  answer  is  sent  to  this  subscriber  indi- 
vidually. It  is  usually  a  short,  informal  note,  something 
like  the  following,  and  it  may  be  addressed  to  the  entire 
Committee  or  merely  to  its  Chairman : 

19  W^st  Street, 
April  18, 19^. 
My  dear  Mrs.  Blake: 

It  is  with  great  pleasure  that  I  accept  your  invitation 
to  attend  the  Third  Revmion  of  the  HUldale  Club,  on 
Friday,  the  tenth  of  April. 

Sincerely  yours, 

Helen  R.  Haddock^ 

INVITATION  TO  PUBIilC  BAI.I. 

Public  balls  that  require  purchased  tickets  have  a  very 
distinct  kind  of  invitation.  The  following  invitation 
should  be  printed  or  engraved  on  very  large  letter  sheets 
or  cards,  giving,  either  on  the  second  inner  sheet  or  on 
the  reverse  of  the  card,  the  names  of  the  patronesses. 


206  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

The  pleasure  of  your  company  «» 

requested  at  the 

Anrmal  Masquerade  BaU 

To  he  given  at  the  Taft  Hotel 

Thursday  Evening 

January  the  fifths  at  ten  o* clock 

Cards   of  admission.    Three  Dollar* 

On  sale  at  the 

Taft  Hotel  and  homes  of  the  Patronesses 

REQUESTIKG  AN  INVITATION 

When  one  is  invited  to  an  entertainment  and  finds  it  im- 
possible to  attend  without  a  visiting  guest  or  relative,  an 
invitation  may  be  requested.  But  a  great  deal  of  tact 
and  good  judgment  must  be  exerted.  A  note  of  request 
follows,  but  in  writing  notes  for  your  own  particular 
instances,  you  must  remember  that  each  note  has  to  be 
adapted  to  the  occasion  in  hand. 

iS7  Claremont  Terrace, 

May  8tK  192^, 
My  dear  Mrs.  Jolson: 

Elsie  MiUerton,  whose  brother  you  remember  was  at 
Hot  Springs  last  year  when  we  were,  is  spending  a  few 
days  with  me.  I  wonder  if  I  may  bring  her  to  your  damce 
next  Thursday? 

Sincerely  yours, 

Mary  B.  Halt. 

It  is  rarely  necessary  to  refuse  such  a  request  as  this ; 
but  if  the  ballroom  is  already  too  crowded  and  if  the 
hostess  has  received  a  number  of  similar  petitions  she  may 


INVITATIONS  207 

with  propriety  send  a  brief  note  of  refusal  with  a  courte- 
ous word  or  two  of  explanation. 

THE   DINNEE   INVITATION 

A  dinner  invitation  is  the  highest  form  of  courtesy. 
That  is  why  it  requires  prompt  and  very  courteous  ac- 
knowledgment. 

Ordinarily,  dinner  invitations  are  issued  ten  days  ahead, 
unless  it  is  a  very  large  formal  affair,  when  two  full  weeks 
are  allowed.  It  is  not  good  form  to  send  an  invitation 
just  about  a  day  or  two  before  the  day  set  for  the  dinner- 
party, for  then  the  guest  will  be  perfectly  correct  in 
feeling  that  the  invitation  was  issued  to  her  (or  him)  only 
because  some  other  guest  was  unable  to  attend.  If  there 
are  only  three  or  four  guests  informal  notes  are  usually 
sent,  however  elaborate  the  dinner  itself  is  to  be.  Such 
an  invitation  should  occupy  only  the  first  page  of  a  sheet 
of  note  paper. 

Dinner  invitations  may  either  be  written  on  ordinary 
sheets  of  white  stationery,  or  engraved  on  cards.  If  the 
latter  is  decided  upon,  it  must  be  large,  pure  white,  and 
of  rather  heavy  bristol  board.  The  hostess  who  gives 
many  large  and  elaborate  dinners  may  have  cards  like 
the  following  printed,  leaving  spaces  for  the  insertion  of 
the  name  of  the  person  invited,  the  day,  hour  and  date : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jeremiah  Knight 
request  the  pleasure  of 

company  at  dinner 

on evening 

at o'clock 

65  Court  Street 


208  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

The  words  "To  meet  Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Staple"  may 
be  written  in  ink  at  the  bottom  of  the  engraved  card,  when 
the  dinner  is  in  honor  of  a  special  guest.  Or  small  cards 
may  be  printed  and  enclosed  with  the  invitations. 

IN  HONOE  OF  CELEBEATED  GUESTS 

Often,  to  introduce  someone  of  distinguished  position 
to  the  hostess'  acquaintances  and  friends,  a  large  and 
elaborate  dinner  is  given.  The  cards  should  be  engraved 
in  a  fine  script  or  block  letter,  in  the  following  wording: 

To  meet 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  McAllister  Van  Doren 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  King 

reqtiest  tlie  pleasure  of 


company  at  dinner 

on  Thursday,  January  tlie  sixth 

at  eight  o'clock 

4-55  North  Avenue. 

THE   ACKNOWJLEDGMENTS       v 

For  the  formal  invitation,  written  in  the  third  person, 
a  similar  acknowledgment  must  be  sent  within  twenty-four 
hours.  Following  are  an  acceptance  and  a  regret  that 
may  serve  as  suggestions  for  the  dinner  invitations  that 
you  will  accept  and  refuse  in  the  future : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Herbert  Thome 

accept  with  pleasure 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jeremiah  Knight's 


INVITATIONS  «09 

kind  invitation  to  dinner  on 

Friday,  August  the  fifth 

at  eight  o'clock 

64  West  Drive 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  Herbert  Thome 
regret  that  a  previo?is  engagement 

prevents  their  accepting 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jeremiah  Knighfs 

kind  invitation  to  dinner  on 

Friday,  Au^u^t  the  fifth 

64-  West  Drive 


It  is  not  necessary  to  give  complete  details  regarding 
time  and  hour,  in  the  second  acknowledgment — ^which  is  a 
regret.  Inasmuch  as  one  does  not  expect  to  attend,  it  is 
unnecessary  to  pay  great  attention  to  details  that  are 
important  only  for  those  who  expect  to  be  guests.  In 
writing  regrets,  it  is  always  more  courteous  to  give  the 
reason  for  being  unable  to  accept,  but  it  is  not  important 
to  do  so  unless  one  really  wishes  to. 


FOS    THE    INFORMAL   DINNER 

The  informal  dinner  invitation  is  invariably  sent  by 
the  wife  for  her  husband  and  herself,  to  the  wife,  includ- 
ing the  latter's  husband.  The  invitation  takes  the  form 
of  a  short,  friendly  little  social  note,  and  is  answered  as 
such.  For  instance,  here  is  an  invitation  to  an  informal 
dinner,  and  the  acknowledgment: 


«10  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

366  Cos  grove  Avdnue, 

November  1, 19 — • 
My  dear  Mrs.  Harris: 

Will  you  and  Mr.  Harris  give  us  the  pleasure 
of  having  you  with  us  at  a  small  dinner  on 
Thursday,  November  the  eighth,  at  seven 
o'clock? 

Hoping  that  you  wiU  be  disengaged  that  evenr 
ing,  I  am 

Yours  very  sincerely^ 
Margaret  B.  Leanders. 

You  will  notice  that  in  signing  herself,  the  wife  uses 
her  Christian  and  married  name,  and  the  initial  of  her 
maiden  name.  She  may  spell  her  maiden  name  out,  if  she 
wishes,  but  the  form  given  above  is  the  most  usual.  Here 
is  the  correct  acknowledgment  to  the  invitation  above: 

65Ji.  Milton  Street, 
November  5,  19 — 
My  dear  Mrs.  Leamders: 

Mr.  Harris  and  I  will  be  delighted  to  dine  with 
you  and  Mr.  Leanders  on  Thursday,  November 
the  eighth,  at  seven  o'clock. 
With  kindest  regards,  I  am 

Sincerely  yours, 

Mildred  Travert  Harris, 

WHEK    THE    DIKNES    IS    NOT    AT    HOME 

It  happens  quite  frequently  that  a  hostess  gives  a 
idinner  for  her  friends  outside  of  her  own  home.  In  this 
case,  the  fact  must  be  fully  noted  on  the  invitation.  For 
instance : 


INVITATIONS  211 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Walter  Bruhn 

request  the  pleasure  of 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  JoJm  Perry  Blascon*s 

company  at  dinner 

at  Shardey^s 

on  Wednesday,  March  the  sixth 

at  eight  o'clock 

j^l  Tompkins  Place 

The  acceptance  and  regret  would  be  exactly  the  same 
as  the  forms  given  previously,  except  that  the  words  **At 
Shanley*s"  would  necessarily  have  to  appear. 

THE    DAUGHTER   AS    HOSTESS 

It  is  necessary  for  the  daughter,  who  is  hostess  in  her 
father's  house,  to  include  his  name  in  every  dinner  invita- 
tion she  issues.  Following  is  a  model  informal  invitation 
to  dinner,  issued  by  a  young  daughter-hostess: 

My  dear  Mrs.  Curtis : 

Father  has  asked  me  to  extend  an  invitation  to 
you  and  Mr.  Curtis  to  dine  with  u^  on  Tuesday, 
April  the  fifth,  at  half-past  seven  o'clock.  We 
are  looking  forward  to  your  coming  with  a  great 
deal  of  pleasure. 

Cordially  yours. 
Rose  Meredith. 

In  acknowledging  this  invitation,  whether  it  be  accept- 
ance or  regret,  the  answer  must  go  to  the  daughter,  not 
the  father.  It  is  discourteous  and  rude  to  receive  a  letter 
or  an  invitation  from  one  person,  and  acknowledge  it  to 
another. 


212  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

POSTPONING    OR    CANCELING    A    DINNER 

When  it  happens  (and  it  often  does!)  that  something 
unforeseen  and  unexpected  happens  to  prevent  one  from 
giving  the  dinner  for  which  engraved  cards  have  been 
issued,  the  hostess  must  immediately  dispatch,  either 
through  messenger  or  special  delivery,  short  written  notes 
canceling  the  engagement.  The  third-person  formula 
may  be  used,  but  there  must  be  a  certain  warmth  in  the 
note  to  avoid  any  semblance  of  indifference.  And  it  is  a 
mark  of  fine  courtesy  to  offer  the  reason  why  the  dinner 
has  to  be  postponed.  Here  are  two  forms  that  may  be 
used: 

Because  of  the  severe  illness  of  their  son 

Mr  and  Mrs.  John  Smith 

beg  to  cancel  tJieir  dinner,  arranged  for 

Tuesday y  May  the  fifth 


or 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Smith  regret  that  the 
damages  done  to  their  home  by  a  recent  fire  make 
it  necessary  for  them  to  postpone  the  dinner  ar- 
ranged for  May  the  fifth  until  May  the  thirtieth. 


INVITING    A    STOP-GAP 

When  a  vacancy  occurs  in  a  dinner  party  at  the  last 
moment,  one  may  call  upon  a  friend  to  fill  the  place  as  a 


INVITATIONS  213 

special  courtesy.  This  is  an  instance  when  tact  and  dis- 
cretion are  important,  for  not  everyone  is  broad-minded 
and  sensible,  and  some  people  may  take  offense  at  being 
asked  to  take  the  place  that  someone  else  relinquished.  A 
short  cordial  note  should  be  written,  explaining  the  situa- 
tion, and  frankly  asking  the  friend  to  come  in  the  place 
of  the  invited  guest  who  cannot  be  present.  Here,  for 
instance,  is  a  typical  note  for  just  such  a  purpose : 


iJ^  Hemmgway  Places 
March  IJf,,  19 — 
My  dear  Mr.  Cook: 

I  am  going  to  ash  a  very  special  favor  of  you, 
and  I  know  that  you  will  be  good  enough  to 
comply — if  no  other  engagement  stands  in  the 
way. 

Ralph  Townshend,  who  was  to  have  been 
present  at  a  little  dinner  party  that  I  am  giving 
to-morrow  evening,  has  just  written  that  he  has 
been  called  out  of  town  on  business.  Won*t 
you  be  good  enough  to  take  his  place  and  give 
me  m,ore  reason  than  ever  for  subscribing  myself 
Gratefully  yours, 

Janet  B.  Raines. 


In  answering  this  letter,  Mr.  Cook  must  either  accept 
or  decline  definitely.  To  be  courteous,  he  must  give  a 
reason  for  declining.  To  write  merely  and  say  that  one 
cannot  serve  as  a  stop-gap  is  both  impolite  and  incon- 
siderate. Either  a  good  reason  or  an  acceptance  must 
be  given.    Here  is  the  way  the  acceptance  may  be  worded : 


214.  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

1j^65  Emmet  Road, 
March  16,  19-^ 
My  dear  Mrs.  Raines: 

I'm  rather  glad  tJiat  Ralph  was  called  out  of 
town,  since  it  gives  me  an  opportunity  to  he 
present  at  another  of  your  delightful  dinners. 
Thank  you  very  much  for  the  invitation. 
Yours  very  sincerely, 

Ralph  B.  Cook, 

TO    BBEAE    A   DENNEE    ENGAGEMENT 

There  is  no  reason  to  feel  embarrassed  and  unhappy 
because  some  unexpected  happening  prevents  you  from 
keeping  a  dinner  engagement.  A  cordial  note,  containing 
a  genuine  and  worth-while  excuse  for  the  cancellation  of 
the  engagement  may  be  sent  by  messenger,  or  if  there  is 
time,  by  special  delivery  post,  to  the  hostess.  Here  is 
an  example  of  the  kind  of  note  that  may  be  written  to 
break  a  dinner  engagement: 

156  South  Bend, 
I  March  18, 19— 

■  My  dear  Mrs.  Christy: 

Mr.  Cross  has  been  called  to  Chicago  on  ac- 
count of  the  illness  of  his  mother.  We  are  very 
anxious  about  her,  and  I  am  sure  you  will  vmder- 
stand  why  it  is  impossible  for  either  of  us  to 
attend  your  dirnier  party  next  Friday.  With 
many  regrets,  I  am 

Sincerely  yours, 

Florence  Bartlett  Pitkin. 


INVITATIONS  215 

INVITATIONS    FOR   liUNCHEONS 

Although  considerably  less  formal  than  dinner  invita- 
tions, those  of  the  luncheon  follow  them  in  wording.  Thsy 
are  issued  about  ten  days  before  the  day  set  for  the 
luncheon,  if  it  is  to  be  an  elaborate,  formal  aflfair,  and 
only  in  the  name  of  the  hostess,  unless  men  are  invited 
and  the  hostess's  husband  intends  to  be  present.  They  are 
engraved  on  large  square  white  cards,  with  the  name  of 
the  person  invited,  the  day  and  hour,  written  in  by  the 
hostess's  own  hand.  The  correct  form  follows,  but  it 
must  be  remembered  that  this  form  can  be  used  only 
when  the  luncheon  is  an  elaborate,  formal  occasion: 


Mrt,  John  Roy-Thomdyke  Bldkt 
requests  the  pleasure  of 

company  at  luncheon 

on 

at o'clocTc 

11  Park  Row 


Very  often  a  hostess  invites  friends  and  acquaintances 
to  a  luncheon  for  the  purpose  of  presenting  to  them  a 
certain  visiting  guest,  and  perhaps  to  attend,  after  the 
luncheon,  a  matinee  planned  for  the  purpose  of  enabling 
the  newcomer  to  become  better  acquainted  with  the  host- 
ess's friends.  In  this  case,  an  invitation  like  the  one 
following  should  be  used : 


216  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

To  meet  Miss  Helen  Rhodes 

Mrs,  Robert  Blake 

requests  the  pleasure  of 

Miss  Joyce's 
company  at  luncheon 
on  Tuesday,  April   the  eleventh 

at  one  o'clock 
and  afterward  to  the  matinee 

167  Grand  Concourse 

The  name  of  the  play  and  the  theater  may  be  included 
in  the  wording  of  the  invitation. 

Breakfast  invitations  are  rarely  issued,  for  the  very 
good  reason  that  formal  breakfasts  are  very  rarely  given. 
But  when  they  are,  the  wording  of  the  invitation  is  iden- 
tical with  the  wording  given  above  for  the  luncheon  invita- 
tions, substituting  in  each  case  the  word  "breakfast"  for 
"luncheon."  Acknowledgments  are  also  the  same  as 
those  used  for  the  luncheon. 

ACKNOWLEDGING    THE    LUNCHEON    INVITATION 

A  prompt  acceptance  or  regret  must  be  sent  upon  re- 
ceipt of  an  invitation  to  luncheon.  The  following  two 
forms  are  correct  for  use  with  the  two  invitations  given 
on  the  opposite  page. 

Mrs.  Frank  Parsons 

accepts  with  pleasure 

Mrs.  John  Clancy  Blake's 

kind  invitation  to  luncheon 

on  Friday,  October  the  fourteenth 

at  one  o'clock 

H6  Park  Place 


INVITATIONS  217 

Miss  Jean  Joyce 

accepts  with  pleasure 

Mrs.  Blake's 

hind  invitation  for  luncheon 

on  Tuesday,  April  the  eleventh 

at  one  o^clock 

to  meet  Miss  Uhodes  and  to  go 

afterward  to  the  matinee 

4.8  Fremont  Avenue 

THE    INFOBMAIi    INVITATION 

For  the  informal  luncheon,  a  brief  note  of  invitation  is 
Gent  from  five  to  seven  days  ahead.  In  making  the  note 
brief,  one  must  be  careful  not  to  sacrifice  cordiality.  We 
give  here  two  notes  of  invitation,  one  for  luncheon  and  one 
for  breakfast ;  and  also  their  respective  acknowledgments : 

86  Washington  Terrace, 

April  1^,  19 — 
My  dear  Mrs.  Blank: 

Will  you  come  to  luncheon  on  Wednesday, 
April  the  twentieth,  at  half-past  one  o'clock? 
Mrs.  Frank  Richards  zcill  he  liere,  and  I  know 
you  wUl  be  glad  to  meet  her. 

Cordially  yours, 
Helen  R.  Roberts, 

64.  Main  Street, 
April  16, 19^ 
My  dear  Mrs.  Roberts: 

I  will  be  very  glad  to  come  to  luncheon  on 
Wednesday,  April  the  twentieth,  at  half-past 


218  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

one  o'clock.  It  was  very  Tcmd  of  you  to  remem- 
ber tliat  I  have  been  wanting  to  meet  Mrs.  Rich- 
ards for  a  long  time., 

Yours  very  sincerely, 

Justine  Blank. 

JtSl  Fairview  Terrace, 

May  5,  19— 
Dear  Mrs.  MiUer: 

I  expect  a  few  friends  to  join  me  at  an  in- 
forToal  breakfast  at  half-past  eleven  o'clock  on 
Tuesday,  the  tenth.    Won't  you  be  one  of  them? 

Sin-cerely  yours, 
Maybelle  Curtis. 

8^2  Jennings  Street, 

May  7, 19— 
Dear  Mrs.  Curtis: 

Thank  you  very  much  for  asking  me,  but  I 
regret  that  I  will  not  be  able  to  join  you  at 
breakfast  on  Tuesday.  I  have  two  young  nieces 
stopping  with  me,  and  I  promised  to  devote  that 
morning  to  showing  them  the  places  of  Interest 
in  town.  They  are  planning  so  eagerly  for  tlie 
trip,  and  they  are  leaving  here  vn  such  a  short 
tvme,  that  I  feel  that  I  must  not  disappoint 
them. 

With  most  sincere  regrets,  I  am 

Cordially  yours, 

Mary  K.  MiUer. 

There  is  still  another  approved  form  for  inviting  guests 
to  luncheon  or  breakfast.    When  the  occasion  is  neither 


INVITATIONS  219 

too  strictly  formal  nor  too  informal,  the  hostess  may 
merely  write,  beneath  the  engraved  name  on  her  ordinary 
calling  card,  the  words,  *'Luncheon  at  one-thirty  o'clock 
March  fourth."  This  is  sent  about  five  days  before  the 
chosen  day.  The  acknowledgment  must  be  by  informal 
note,  never  by  a  calling  card.  And  this  holds  true  of  all 
other  invitations;  when  the  personally  inscribed  calling 
card  is  used,  a  first-person  note  of  acceptance  or  regret 
must  be  promptly  written.  The  use  of  cards  in  this  way 
is  looked  upon  with  disfavor  among  people  who  are  most 
careful  of  the  amenities  of  polite  society. 


EECEPTION    INVITATIONS 

The  word  "reception"  may  mean  several  social  functions 
which  may  or  may  not  be  extremely  ceremonious.  There 
is  the  afternoon  tea,  for  instance,  an  informal  little  affair 
to  which  one  invites  one's  best  friends  and  most  interest- 
ing acquaintances.  The  invitation  may  be  either  written 
by  the  hostess  or  engraved.  The  at-home  day  is  also 
called  a  reception,  as  is  the  more  elaborate  occasion  when  a 
special  guest  is  introduced  to  the  hostess'  friends. 

There  was  a  time  when  it  was  considered  extremely 
bad  form  for  the  host's  name  to  appear  on  the  invitation, 
but  to-day  the  reception  invitation  often  takes  the  form 
of  the  following: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Harold  Blaine 

At  Home 

Tuesday  afternoon^  May  fifth 

from  four  until  half-past  seven  o*cloch 

Twelve^  Park  Terrace 


220  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

The  above  invitation  should  be  engraved  in  fine  script 
on  a  large  white  card  of  bristol  board,  and  it  should  be 
mailed  at  least  ten  days  in  advance  of  the  day  set  for 
the  entertainment.  An  acknowledgment  is  not  expected; 
if  the  invitation  is  accepted,  the  presence  of  the  guest 
on  the  day  of  the  reception  is  sufficient.  If  one  is  unable 
to  be  present,  one*s  visiting  card  is  sent  to  arrive  on  the 
exact  day  of  the  reception — unless  an  answer  is  explicitly 
required  on  the  invitation.  Not  to  be  present  at  the  re- 
ception, and  not  to  send  one's  visiting  card,  is  to  indicate 
either  that  one  is  ignorant  of  the  correct  social  laws,  or 
that  one  desires  to  discontinue  friendship  with  the  hostess. 

When  a  mother  and  her  daughters  are  to  receive  the 
guests  at  a  reception  together,  the  card  is  in  this  form : 

Mrs.  William  B.  Harris 

The  Misses  Harris 

At  Home 

Friday  Afternoon,  October  fifth 

from  four  until  seven  d'clocle 

Thirty-two  Amsterdam  Aveniie 

If  the  reception  is  for  the  purpose  of  introducing  a 
young  debutante  daughter,  the  hostess  would  issue  cards 
similar  to  the  one  above,  except  that  the  debutante's  name 
would  appear  immediately  below  her  own.  It  would  be 
merely  "Miss  Harris"  with  no  Christian  name  or  initial. 
If  a  second  daughter  is  introduced  to  her  mother's  friends 
by  means  of  an  afternoon  tea,  the  cards  are  also  like  the 
one  above,  except  that  the  name  of  the  second  daughter 
is  inscribed  in  full  beneath  that  of  the  hostess.  Thus 
invited  guests  would  know  that  "Miss  Harris"  is  the 
elder  and  introduced  to  society  first,  and  "Miss  Meriam 


INVITATIONS  221 

Harris"  is   the   second  daughter  to   be  introduced   to 
society. 

EECEPTION    IN    HONOE    OF    A    SPECIAIi    GTJEST 

When  the  purpose  of  the  reception  is  to  honor  a  special 
guest  the  fact  should  be  indicated  on  the  invitations.  If 
the  invitation  is  written  on  a  card,  the  words,  "To  meet 
Governor  and  Mrs.  Frank  Curtis  should  appear."  The 
proper  form  for  the  engraved  invitation  follows: 

To  Meet 

Governor  and  Mrs.  Frank  Curtis 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Melvm 

request  the  pleasure  of  your 

company 

on  Thursday  afternoon,  June  fifth 

from  four  until  seven  o'clock 

Eighteen,  Washington  Garden  Heights 

No  acknowledgment  other  than  one's  presence  on  the 
day  of  the  reception  is  necessary  to  this  invitation.  How- 
ever, if  one  is  unable  to  attend,  the  visiting  card  should 
be  mailed  so  that  it  arrives  on  the  precise  day  of  the 
entertainment,  or  if  an  unexpected  happening  prevents 
one  from  attending,  a  messenger  may  be  dispatched  with 
a  card  in  an  envelope,  forwarding  it  to  the  hostess  while 
the  reception  is  in  progress. 

INVITATIONS    TO    GARDEN    PAETIES 

When  the  garden  party  is  very  formal,  the  invitations 
are  engraved  in  black  script  or  block  lettering,  on  white 
note  sheets  or  large  white  cards.    The  invitation  is  usually 


222  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

issued  in  the  name  of  the  hostess  alone,  and  the  most 
fashionable  stationers  are  to-day  printing  cards  that 
leave  a  blank  space  for  the  name  of  the  person  to  be 
invited  to  be  written  in  by  the  hostess.    For  instance: 

Mrs.  Maurice  Bronson 
requests  the  pleasure  of 


company  on  Friday  afternoon 

May  tenth 

from  four  until  seven  o^clock 

Garden  Party  Holy  ok  e.  West  Lake 

In  society,  the  formal  garden  party  holds  the  place  of 
an  at-home  held  out  of  doors.  Thus  the  following  invita- 
tion is  considered  the  best  form,  better  even  than  the 
form  shown  above,  although  either  may  be  used  in  good 
taste : 

Mrs.  MauHce  Bronson 

At  Home 

Friday  afternoon.  May  tenth 

from  four  u/ntU  seven  o'clock 

Garden  Party  Holyoke,  West  Lake 

When  the  garden  party  is  a  small  informal  affair,  the 
at-home  card  may  be  used  with  the  words,  "Garden  Party, 
Friday,  May  the  tenth,  from  four  to  seven  o'clock," 
written  by  the  hostess  in  the  lower  left-hand  comer. 
This  method  is  usually  for  personal  friends  only,  and  it  is 
considered  bad  form  when  the  garden  party  is  elaborate 
and  formal. 

If  the  guest  invited  lives  in  another  town,  or  must  come 
from  the  city  to  the  country,  a  small  card  bearing  the 


INVITATIONS  223 

necessary  train  and  schedule  information  should  be  en- 
closed with  the  invitation,  similar  to  the  card  explained 
in  the  chapter  on  wedding  invitations.  Or  the  information 
may  be  lettered  neatly  at  the  bottom  of  the  invitation 
itself.    The  form  is  usually : 

Train  leaves  Pennsylvania  Station  at  3  o'clock 
Train  leaves  Holyoke  Station  at  6.20  and  7.10  o'clock 

Still  another  course  is  open  to  the  hostess  who  wishe* 
to  give  a  small  garden  party,  yet  not  undergo  the  expense 
and  trouble  of  specially  engraved  invitations.  She  may 
write  brief,  friendly  notes,  in  the  first  person,  somewhat 
in  the  following  form,  and  send  them  by  post  to  her 
friends  and  acquaintances: 

HolyokCf 
May  1,  19 — 
My  dear  Mrs.  Keene: 

I  have  asked  a  few  of  my  friends  to  have  tea 
with  me,  informally,  on  the  lawn,  Friday  after- 
noon. May  the  tenth,  at  four  o'clock.  May  I 
expect  you  also?  Perhaps  there  will  be  a  few 
sets  of  termis.  There  is  a  racquet  waiting  for 
you. 

Cordially  yours. 

Rose  M.  Roberts. 

ACKNOWLEDGING    THE    GAKDEN    PAETY   INVITATION 

Whether  the  garden  party  invitation  bears  a  request  for 
a  reply  or  not,  the  courteous  thing  to  do  is  send  an 
acceptance  or  regret  at  once.  This  is  especially  true 
when  the  invitation  is  engraved,  for  then  one  may  assume 


224  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

that  the  affair  is  to  be  a  large  and  elaborate  one.     The 
reply  to  an  engraved  invitation  follows : 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Raymond  Bruce 

accept  with  pleasure 

Mrs.  Branson's  kind  invitation 

for  May  tenth 

Haywood  Park, 

May  second,  19 — 

or 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Raymond  Bruce 
regret  that  a  previous  engagement 

prevents  their  acceptance 

of  Mrs.  Bronson's  kind  invitation 

for  May  tenth 

Haywood  Park, 

May  second,  19— 

In  reply  to  a  visiting  card  inscribed  with  the  day  and 
date  of  the  garden  party,  a  brief,  polite  note  of  acceptance 
or  regret  should  be  written.  A  similar  note  should  be 
promptly  written  upon  receipt  of  the  informal  written 
note  of  invitation. 

Glendale, 
May  2, 19 — 
My  dear  Mrs.  Bronson: 

Mr.  Harris  and  1  are  looking  forward  with 
great  pleasure  vn  joining  you  on  May  tenth. 
We  hope  the  weather  will  continue  to  he  as  de- 
lightful as  it  is  now. 

Cordially  yours, 
Janet  B.  Win>sloib. 


INVITATIONS  225 

HOUSE    OR    WEEK-END    PAETIES 

The  invitation  for  a  house-  or  week-end  party  differs 
from  any  other  invitation.  By  the  week-end  party  we 
mean  a  visit  from  Friday  or  Saturday  until  Monday. 
Thus  the  invited  guest  knows  that  he  is  expected  to  arrive 
Friday  afternoon  (or  Saturday  morning)  and  leave  Mon- 
day morning.  On  the  other  hand,  the  house  party  may 
mean  a  visit  of  ten  days  or  two  weeks  duration,  or  even 
longer.  It  is  necessary,  therefore,  for  the  hostess  to 
mention  specifically  the  dates  deciding  the  length  of  the 
visit.  It  is  also  courteous  for  her  to  mention  the  sports 
that  will  be  indulged  in  and  any  special  events  planned, 
etc.,  and  to  send  the  necessary  time-tables,  indicating 
the  best  and  most  convenient  trains. 

Whether  for  house-party  or  week-end  party,  the  invita- 
tion is  always  a  well-worded,  cordial  note  offering  the 
hospitalities  of  one's  roof  for  the  length  of  time  indicated. 
We  will  give  here  one  letter  of  invitation,  and  its  ac- 
knowledgment, which  can  be,  perhaps,  adapted  to  your 
own  purposes. 

Pine  Rocky 
June  H,  19 — 
Dear  Miss  Janis: 

We  have  planned  a  house  party  as  a  sort  of 
farewell  before  our  trip  to  Europe,  and  we  are 
particularly  anxious  to  have  you  join  us.  I  hope 
there  is  nothing  to  prevent  you  from  coming  out 
to  Pine  Rock  on  June  twenty-third  and  remain- 
ing here  with  us  until  the  eighth  of  July. 

I  hope  to  have  many  of  your  own  friends 
with  us,  including  Jean  and  Marie  Cordine,  who 


S26  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

are  also  planning  to  sail  towards  the  end  of 
July,  Mr.  Frank  Parsons  and  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Robert  Kingsley  may  he  here,  too,  along  with 
several  others  whom  you  do  not  know,  but  whom 
I  am  most  anxious  to  have  you  meet. 

I  am  enclosing  a  time-table  for  your  convem- 
eTice,  and  I  have  checked  the  two  trains  that  I 
believe  are  most  convenient  for  you.  If  you  take 
the  3.58  on  Tuesday  you  will  arrive  here  at 
7.10,  and  you  will  be  able  to  meet  the  guests  at 
dimmer  at  eight-thirty.  There  is  an  earlier  train 
in  the  morning  if  you  prefer  it.  If  you  let  me 
know  which  train  you  expect  to  take,  I  will  see 
that  there  is  a  car  at  the  station  to  meet  you. 
Very  cordially  yours, 

Alice  M.  Bevans. 

WestviUe, 
June  16,  19—- 
Dear  Mrs.  Bevans: 

It  was  very  good  of  you  and  Mr.  Bevans  to 
ash  me  to  your  house  party  and  I  shall  be  de- 
lighted to  come.  I  shall  arrive  on  the  3.58 
train,  as  you  suggest.  It  was  so  thoughtful  of 
you  to  inclose  the  time-table. 

Very  sincerely  yours, 

Helen  R.  Janis. 

If  the  letter  were  one  of  regret,  it  would  be  necessary 
for  Miss  Janis  to  write  definitely  just  what  was  making 
it  impossible  for  her  to  accept  the  invitation.  It  would 
not  be  correct  form  to  write  vaguely,  saying  that  *'you 
hope  jou  will  be  able  to  come,'*  or  that  *^*i  jou  are  in 


INVITATIONS  227 

town  you  will  eome."     No   doubt  must  be  left  in  the 
hostess's  mind  as  to  whether  or  not  you  will  be  present. 

THI    **BEEAD-AND-BUTTEE"    XETTEB, 

From  constant  usage,  the  term  **bread-and-butter" 
letter  has  become  custom.  Now,  upon  return  from  a 
week-end  or  house  party,  it  is  considered  necessary  and, 
indeed,  it  would  be  gross  neglect  to  fail  in  so  obvious  a 
duty,  to  write  a  cordial  note  to  the  hostess,  expressing 
appreciation  of  the  hospitality  received,  and  informing 
her  of  your  safe  arrival. 

The  letter  may  be  as  long  and  chatty  as  one  pleases, 
or  it  may  be  only  a  brief  note  such  as  the  following: 

Terrace  Revam, 
Jwne  £3,  19 — 
Dear  Mrs.  Bevans :  I 

This  is  to  tell  you  dgain  how  very  much  I 
enjoyed  the  week-end  at  Pine  Rock.  We  got 
into  the  city  at  five  and  Morgan  brought  me 
out  home  in  a  taxi.  Mother  is  giving  a  small 
bridge  this  afternoon  and  so  I  found  everyone 
busy,  for  while  there  is  not  a  great  deal  to  do  it 
is  impossible  to  get  anyone  to  help  do  it. 

Tell  Mr.  Bevans  that  I  am  arranging  for 
three  or  four  tennis  games  next  week,  so  that 
when  I  come  again,  if  I  don't  win,  I  shall, at 
least  not  be  beaten  quite  so  shamefully. 

Let  me  know  when  you  come  to  town  on  your 
next  shopping  trip.  Perhaps  we  can  arrange 
for  lunch  together  somewhere. 

Very  sincerely  yours, 

Helen  R.  Janis. 


SieS  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

INVITATIONS    TO    THE    THEATER    AND    OPEBA 

The  host  or  hostess  planning  a  theater  or  opera  party 
should  strive  to  have  an  equal  number  of  men  and  women 
guests.  For  this  reason,  the  person  who  receives  an 
invitation  should  make  prompt  reply,  so  that  if  he  or 
she  is  unable  to  attend,  someone  else  can  be  asked  to 
take  the  place.  It  is  not  necessary  to  have  invitations 
engraved  for  these  occasions;  in  fact,  a  brief  note,  writ- 
ten with  just  the  correct  degree  of  formality,  yet  with 
no  sacrifice  of  cordiality,  is  much  to  be  preferred.  The 
following  form  is  correct  for  theater  or  opera,  changed  to 
accord  with  the  names,  dates,  and  circumstances  of  the 
particular  party: 

22  South  Street, 
October  13,  19 — 
My  dear  Miss  Johnson: 

Mr.  Roberts  and  I  have  planned  to  have  a 
small  group  of  friends  hear  "FazLst"  at  the 
Central  Opera  House,  and  lae  are  hoping  that 
you  imLl  be  one  of  us.  The  time  is  Friday  eve- 
ning, the  seventeenth  of  October.  I  have  been 
fortunate  enough  to  obtain  a  box  in  tlie  parquet, 
where  the  eight  of  us  who  will  comprise  the 
party  will  be  comfortably  seated. 

If  you  are  free  to  join  us  on  that  evening,  Mr. 
Roberts  and  I  will  stop  for  you  in  the  car  at 
half  past  seven. 

Cordially  yours, 
Evelyn  T.  Roberts, 

The  acknowledgment  must  be  made  promptly.     [The 


INVITATIONS  229 

host  and  hostess  must  not  be  kept  waiting  for  a  definite 
reply. 

INVITATIONS    TO    MTTSICAI.ES    AND    PRIVATE    THEATKICALS 

A  ceremonious  drawing-room  concert  requires  en- 
graved invitations,  issued  at  least  two  weeks  in  advance 
of  the  date  decided  upon.  The  two  approved  form* 
follow : 

Mrs.  John  M.  Cook 

At  Home 

Tuesday  evening,  October  first 

at  nine  o* clock 

Ten,  Famhut  Terrace 

Music 

or 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  M.  Cook 

request  the  pleasure  of 


company  at  a  musicale 

on  Tuesday  evening,  tJie  first  of  October 

at  nine  o'clock 

Ten,  Famhut  Terrace 

It  is  also  permissible  for  the  hostess  to  write  in  the  lower 
left-hand  comer  of  her  visiting-card  the  following  words, 
when  she  wishes  to  invite  friends  to  hear  a  famous  soloist 
or  orchestra:  "Tuesday,  October  first,  half  past  three 
o'clock,  to  hear  Mischa  Elman."  These  cards  are  then 
posted  to  friends  and  acquaintances,  and  the  recipient 
either  accepts  by  attending,  or  sends  liis  or  her  cards  to 


230  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

the  hostess's  house  while  the  entertainment  is  in  progress, 
or  shortly  beforehand. 

For  private  theatricals,  invitations  follow  very  much 
the  same  form  as  those  used  for  musicales.  The  hostesf/ 
may  either  add  the  phrase,  "Theatricals  at  nine  o'clock," 
to  her  invitation,  or  she  may  issue  engraved  cards  re- 
questing the  pleasure  of  a  friend's  company  at  Private 
Theatricals.  The  word  *'dancing"  may  be  engraved  in 
the  left-hand  corner  of  the  card,  if  dancing  is  to  follow 
the  theatricals.  It  is  courteous  to  send  a  reply  to  these 
invitations. 

chlldben's  pabty  invitations 

The  invitation  to  the  child's  party  is  the  one  exception 
to  the  rule  of  simplicity.  Children  love  color  and  decora- 
tion, and  so  etiquette  very  graciously  permits  them  tc 
have  cards  and  invitations  that  boast  colorful  designs. 
For  instance,  in  a  well-known  stationer's  shop  in  New 
York,  there  are  little  sheets  of  pink  note  paper,  in  the 
upper  comer  of  which  is  a  little  girl  courtesying  and 
smihng.  Beneath  the  picture  the  words  "Won't  you 
please  come  to  my  party?"  are  printed  in  fine  italics.  It 
makes  most  attractive  stationery  for  the  youngsters. 

On  stationery  like  that  described  above,  mother  might 
write  in  the  following  strain,  providing  the  little  host  (or 
hostess)  is  not  old  enough  to  do  the  writing  himself: 

16  Blake  Hall, 
Jwne  Hy  19 — 
My  dear  Mrs.  Blank: 

Harold  will  he  seven  years  old  on  Thursday, 
tJie  eighteenth  of  June.  We  are  planning  to  give 
a  Utile  party  for  his  friends  on  the  Sunday  foh 


INVITATIONS  231 

lowmg,  June  the  twenty-first.  I  know  he  VfiU 
not  be  happy  unless  little  Marian  is  present.  I 
do  hope  you  will  let  her  come. 

If  the  nurse  brings  Marian  here  at  three 
o^clocTc,  she  will  be  in  time  for  the  opening  game, 
and  I  zcnll  see  that  she  arrives  home  safely  at 
about  half  past  six. 

Cordially  yours, 
Helen  M.  Roberts. 


A  friendlj  note  of  acceptance  or  regret  should  be 
written  promptly  upon  receipt  of  the  cbove,  and  if  the 
child  is  unable  to  attend,  the  reason  should  be  given. 

Very  often,  a  young  host  or  hostess  has  a  rery  large 
and  formal  party,  in  which  case  the  invitations  must  be 
quite  as  dignified  and  formally  correct  as  mother's.  For 
instance,  the  youngsters  who  entertain  their  friends  at  a 
small  afternoon  dance  word  their  invitations  in  the  fol- 
lowing nuLiiBer: 

Miss  Jean  and  Master  Walter  Curran 
voidd  like  to  have  the  pleasure 

of 

Miss  Helen  Thompson's  company 

at  a  dance'at  3  o^clock 

Thursday  afternoon^  November  third 

Clover  Hall 


A  young  boy  or  girl  just  old  enough  to  write  his  or 
her  own  invitations,  may  find  some  useful  suggestions  in 
vhe  following  model  for  a  birthday  party: 


232  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Hanover  Courts 
October  6,  19-^ 
Dear  Elizabeth: 

I  am  going  to  have  a  birtliday  party  on  Satur- 
day afternoon,  the  thirteenth  of  October,  at  3 
o'clock.  All  of  our  friends  from  dancing  school 
and  a  good  many  of  Jack's  friends  from  his 
school  will  be  here.  We  are  planning  a  donkey 
game,  and  I  am  sure  we  will  all  have  a  great 
deal  of  fun.  Won't  you  come,  too?  I  shall  be 
very  disappointed  if  you  cannot. 

Sincerely  yours, 
Helen  Camden^ 

It  is  always  wise,  however,  for  the  children  to  make 
some  sort  of  acknowledgment  of  the  formal  engraved  invi- 
tation, for  it  impresses  upon  them  the  importance  of 
their  social  duties. 

INVITATIONS    TO    A    CHEISTENING 

It  is  not  usual  for  many  guests  to  be  invited  to  the 
christening  of  a  child.  But  when  it  is  made  an  occasion 
of  formal  entertainment,  it  is  necessary  to  have  engraved 
cards  prepared  and  issued  to  friends  and  relatives.  Here 
is  the  correct  form: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  B.  Meredith 

request  the  pleasure  of  your  company 

at  the  christening  of  their  son 

on  Tuesday,  April  second 

at  three-thirty  o'clock 

Ten,  Jerome  Aveime 


INVITATIONS  233 

The  letter  requesting  a  relative  or  friend  to  serve  as 
godfather  or  godmother  must  be  tactful  and  well-worded. 
It  is  usually  very  intimate,  for  no  one  with  fine  sensibility 
will  ask  any  except  a  dear  friend  to  act  as  godmother  or 
godfather.  Such  a  request  is  much  better  given  in  person 
than  by  letter,  whenever  it  is  possible.  And  it  requires 
an  answer  in  kind.  We  give  here  one  brief  letter  of  re- 
quest, and  another  of  acknowledgment,  to  serve  as  sug- 
gestions : 

S^  Kmston  Road, 

March  5t  19 — 
Dear  Mr.  Burke: 

Jack  and  I  have  both  agreed  that  we  would 
rather  have  you  serve  as  godfather  for  John 
Paxton,  Jr.,  than  anyone  else.  We  hope  that 
you  will  not  refuse. 

The  baptism  has  already  been  arranged  for 
four  o'clock,  next  Sunday,  at  St.  Peter's  Church. 
We  hope  you  will  be  present  at  the  church,  and 
later  at  a  small  reception  here  in  our  drawing- 
room. 

With  kindest  regards  from  us  both,  I  am 
Cordially  yours, 
Amelia  B.  Johnson. 

18  Woodlawn  Hills, 

March  7,  iP— 
Dear  Mrs.  Johnson: 

It  mil  give  me  great  pleasure  to  be  god' 
father  for  your  son.  Truly,  I  count  it  no  small 
honor,  and  no  slight  responsibility.  I  am  very 
eager  to  see  young  John  Paxton,  and  shall  be 


234  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

present  both  at  the  christening  and  at  tJie  re' 
ception. 

With  every  good  "wish  for  him  and  for  his 
father  and  mother,  I  am 

Sincerely  yours, 
William  A,  Burke, 


A   WOED    OF    SPECIAIi    CAUTION 

In  answering  an  invitation  never  say  **will  accept." 
The  act  of  writing  the  answer  involves  either  the  accept- 
ance or  the  regret,  as  the  case  may  be,  and  the  present 
tense  should  be  used. 


CHAPTER  VI 
CORRESPONDENCE 

TO-DAY   AND    TESTEHDAT 

It  IS  customary  nowadays  to  deplore  the  fact  that  the 
art  of  letter  writing  has  fallen  into  decay,  and  when 
we  read  that  the  entire  correspondence  of  an  engaged 
couple  recently  was  carried  on  for  two  years  by  tele- 
phone and  telegraph  we  are  inclined  to  believe  it.  Yet 
Buch  is  not  the  case.  It  is  true  that  we  no  longer  have — 
and  for  this  we  should  be  truly  grateful — ^flowery  ex- 
pressions of  rhetorical  feeling  interlarded  with  poetic 
sentiments  selected  from  a  *'Home  Book  of  Verse,"  or 
some  similar  compilation,  but  we  do  have  letters  which 
are  genuine  and  wholesome  expressions  of  friendship. 

It  is  a  gift  to  be  able  to  write  lovely  notes  of  congratula- 
tion, sympathy  and  appreciation,  and  one  that  has  to 
be  cultivated.  Writing  of  all  kinds  grows  perfect  with 
practice  and  the  large  majority  of  people  have  to  serve  a 
long  apprenticeship  before  they  have  mastered  the  gentle 
art  of  expressing  themselves  on  papeT,  It  is  an  art 
worth  mastering  even  if  one  never  has  to  write  anything 
but  polite  social  notes  and  letters. 

THE    LETTER   YOU    WRITE 

From  Buckingham  we  have  the  following  little  rhyme 
that  does  full  justice  to  the  important  art  of  letter- 
writing: 

235 


236  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Of  all  those  arts  in  which  the  wise  excel. 
Nature's  chief  masterpiece  is  writing  welL 

A  letter,  bu&iness  or  social,  is  simply  talk  upon  paper. 
And  as  a  wise  philosopher  once  said,  "Never  put  on  paper 
what  you  would  not  care  to  see  printed  in  the  newspaper 
for  all  to  read."  As  in  everything  else  connected  with  the 
social  world,  ease  is  absolutely  essential  to  the  correct 
letter.  The  style  must  not  be  cramped,  stilted,  forced. 
A  free  and  easy  flow  of  language,  simple  and  understand- 
able, and  with  just  that  acceptable  degree  of  cordiality 
and  heartiness  that  makes  one  enjoy  reading,  is  essential 
in  all  correspondence. 

And  yet,  letters  should  be  written  personally — that  is, 
they  should  represent  the  sender.  Be  sure,  first,  that  you 
know  exactly  what  you  want  to  say,  and  how  you  want 
to  say  it.  Then  put  it  down  on  paper  as  though  you  were 
speaking;  make  no  pretense  at  being  so  very  liighly  edu- 
cated that  you  must  use  flowery  language  and  poetical 
phrases.  Simplicity  in  form  and  wording  is  the  most 
effective  and  graceful  method.  It  is  a  greater  mark  of 
learning  and  intelligence  to  write  a  simple,  ably  expressed, 
cordial  letter,  than  to  write  one  that  shows  an  obvious 
effort  to  cover,  by  extravagant  expressions  and  highly 
figurative  language,  the  reserve  and  dignity  that  are  the 
foundation  of  ail  good-breeding. 

In  the  following  pages  it  is  possible  for  us  only  to  give 
the  prescribed  principles  of  correct  form,  suggesting  the 
forms  and  expressions  to  be  avoided.  But  the  true  art 
of  l€,tter-writing  rests  with  you — and  your  own  person- 
ality. We  would  suggest  that  you  read  carefully  each 
letter  you  receive,  noting  and  remembering  those  ex- 
pressions that  most  appeal  to  you.     A  good  appeal  is 


CORRESPONDENCE  237 

generally  universal;  what  appeals  to  you  in  a  letter  you 
receive  will  appeal  to  others.  Thus  you  will  find  that 
personal  experience  in  this  matter  will  help  you  much 
more  than  any  book  that  gives  you  only  the  foundation 
of  form  and  style. 

THE    BUSINESS    LETTER 

It  is  interesting  to  find  in  the  midst  of  the  lament  that 
in  the  twentieth  century  people  have  ceased  to  find  time 
to  write  letters  or  to  be  courteous  that  the  Postmaster 
General  has  rescinded  previous  orders  which  directed  that 
departmental  correspondence  should  not  begin  with  the 
ceremonial  form  of  "My  dear  Sir,"  and  that  the  compli- 
mentary close,  "Yours  sincerely,"  etc.,  should  not  be  used. 
His  order  is  worth  quoting: 

"In  no  part  of  our  work  does  the  demand  for  the 
human  quality  apply  more  than  in  the  matter  of  writing 
letters.  By  far  the  largest  contact  of  this  department 
with  the  public  is  by  means  of  the  letters  which  are  written. 
Letters  can  be  cold,  stereotyped,  following  the  same 
routine  day  by  day,  appearing  more  or  less  machine  made, 
and  the  impression  which  the  recipient  has  upon  reading 
the  letter  is  that  the  suggestion,  complaint,  petition,  or 
application  made  has  been  given  scant  consideration. 

I  want  every  letter  that  goes  out  from  this  department 
or  any  of  the  Post  Offices  or  other  field  offices  to  convince 
the  reader  of  the  fact,  for  it  must  be  a  fact,  that  whatever 
he  has  written  has  been  received  sympathetically  and  that 
an  effort  has  been  made  to  give  the  writer  the  benefit  of 
every  possible  service  wlilch  the  department  affords. 

"To  this  end  I  think  the  writers  should  endeavor  to 
make  their  letters  more  informal  than  is  now  the  case 


238  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

generally;  that  they  shoiild,  wherever  the  exigencies  of 
the  case  do  not  require  otherwise,  be  as  exphcit  as  possible, 
and  that  reasons  for  the  position  taken  by  the  department 
should  be  given.  Above  all,  I  do  not  want  the  letters  to 
be  stereotyped." 

A  business  letter  is  written  with  a  purpose.  It  is  a 
good  letter  when  it  accomplishes  that  purpose  bri^y, 
thorouglJy,  and  courteously.  Women  especially  should 
be  careful  not  to  be  discursive.  Business  men  have  not 
time  to  puzzle  over  bad  handwriting  or  ambiguous  sen- 
tences. Whenever  it  can  be  done  conveniently  the  busi- 
ness letter  should  be  written  on  the  typewriter.  Tinted 
stationery  is  never  appropriate,  and  ruled  stationery 
should  never  be  used  either  for  business  or  social  corre- 
spondence. 

The  correct  form  for  the  salutation  of  a  business  letter 
includes  the  name  and  address  of  the  person  or  firm  to 
whom  the  letter  is  written  as  well  as  the  ceremonial  form 
of  salutation.     Thus: 

Bradford  and  Munro, 
534  Fifth  Avenue, 
New  York  City,  N.  Y. 

Gentlemen:  (or  Dear  Sirs  or  My  dear  Sirs) 


Mrs.  H.  K.  Weatherly, 
Secretary  of  the  Citizens*  League^ 
Smithville,  Arkansas. 

Dear  Mrs.  Weatherly:  (or  Dear  Madam  or  My  dear 
Madam) 


CORRESPONDENCE  239 

Except  when  it  is  the  first  word  of  the  salutation,  dear 
should  not  begin  with  a  capital  letter.  The  address  in 
the  salutation  should  be  repeated  exactly  on  the  envelope 
and  particular  care  should  be  taken  to  make  it  legible. 
The  stamp  should  always  be  placed  in  the  upper  right 
hand  corner.  It  is  bad  form  to  put  it  on  obliquely  or  up- 
side down  or  to  place  it  in  the  left  hand  comer  or  on  the 
back  flap  of  the  envelope.  It  is  a  silly  practice  to  do  so 
and  causes  the  postal  clerks  a  great  deal  of  trouble. 

FUNCTION    OF    THE    SOCIAI.   I.ETTEE 

There  are,  necessarily,  several  kinds  of  letters,  the  three 
most  important  divisions  of  which  are  the  friendly  letter, 
the  business  letter,  and  the  social  letter.  In  its  strictest 
sense,  the  social  letter  is  written  for  a  distinct  social  pur- 
pose— usually  about,  or  in  response  to,  some  purely 
social  circumstance.  The  difference  between  a  friendly 
letter  and  a  social  letter  is  relatively  the  same  as  the 
difference  between  a  strictly  formal  and  a  friendly  in- 
formal visit. 

To  write  a  friendly  letter,  one  simply  writes  what  one 
feels,  heeding  no  very  stringent  rules  regarding  letter- 
writiner.  But  the  social  letter-writer  finds  that  there  are 
certain  forms  that  must  be  carefully  observed,  if  his  or 
her  letters  are  to  be  considered  entirely  correct.  There 
are  two  distinct  forms  of  the  social  letters — the  formal 
and  the  Informal.  The  formal  social  note  is  used  only 
for  invitations,  announcements  and  their  respective  ac- 
knowledgments. It  is  always  written  in  the  third  person, 
and  always  requires  an  answer.  Even  though  it  is  sent 
to  the  most  intimate  friend,  the  formal  note  remains 
formal;  although  later  a  friendly  letter  may  be  sent  to 


240  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

remove  any  possible  constraint  or  "chill."  The  informal 
note  has  no  definite  formiila,  except  that  it  can  be  gen- 
erally compared  to  all  the  informal  trend  of  correct  social 
usage.  The  first  person  is  used  in  the  writing  of  in- 
formal notes. 

Whether  formal  or  informal,  the  social  note  always 
bears  the  name  of  the  person  to  whom  it  is  addressed. 
To  illustrate,  when  writing  socially  to  Mrs.  Joselyn,  one 
does  not  use  the  expression,  "Dear  Madam,"  but  "Dear 
Mrs.  Joslyn."  In  America  the  form  "my  dear"  is  con- 
sidered a  trifle  more  formal  than  just  "dear,"  although  in 
England  the  reverse  is  true.  "Dear  Madam"  and  "Dear 
Sir"  are  forms  reserved  exclusively  for  use  with  business 
letters. 

THE    ETIQTTETTK    OP    STATIONEET 

The  well-known  proverb  may  well  be  changed  to  read, 
**A  man  is  known  by  the  stationery  he  uses."  There  is 
no  greater  opportunity  to  show  good  taste — or  bad — than 
in  the  tone,  design  and  type  of  note  paper  we  use.  It  is  as 
effective  an  index  to  one's  individuality  as  are  the  clothes 
we  wear. 

Just  as  in  everytliing  else,  there  are  new  fashions  in 
the  sizes,  forms  and  general  appearance  of  social  corre- 
spondence each  season.  Invariably,  the  new  form  is  an 
improvement  on  the  older  and  more  stilted  form.  How- 
ever, there  are  shght  changes,  and  the  general  rules  of 
correct  correspondence  remain  unchanged  from  year  to 
year.  A  good  stationer  is  the  best  authority  in  regard 
to  the  minor  modifications  that  come  each  new  season. 

The  outre  in  everytliing  pertaining  to  good  social 
usage  is  offensive  to  good  taste.  Thus,  those  who  are 
refined  and  well-bred  avoid  such  startling  color  combica- 


CORRESPONDENCE  241 

tions  as  deep  purple  paper  inscribed  with  white  ink.  Of 
course,  by  its  very  daring,  such  a  letter  would  gain  imme- 
diate attention.  But  the  impression  made  would  be  one 
of  poor  taste  and  eccentricity,  rather  than  the  striking 
personality  the  writer  doubtless  tried  to  convey.  Let  us, 
then,  avoid  all  fads  in  size  and  color  of  social  stationery. 

1.ETTEB   AND    NOTE    PAPEE 

Plain,  unruled  sheets,  either  white  or  light  gray  in 
color,  and  folding  once  into  their  envelopes  are  the  ap- 
proved materials  for  all  social  correspondence.  Black  ink 
should  always  be  used — ^violet,  blue  or  purple  expresses  ex- 
tremely bad  taste.  There  are,  of  course,  many  varying 
qualities  of  note  paper,  depending  entirely  upon  the  means 
and  preferences  of  the  individual.  Some  manufacturers 
are  to-day  issuing  delightful  stationery  in  delicate  tones 
of  gray,  blue  and  buff,  and  it  is  necessary  to  mention  here 
that  there  can  be  no  objection  to  note  paper  of  this 
kind.  It  is  only  bad  taste  to  use  paper  of  vivid  red,  yellow 
or  green — so  glaring  in  color  that  it  is  conspicuous. 
Colored  borders  on  stationery  are  in  poor  taste,  as  are 
also  heavy  gilt  edges.  Paneled  stationery  and  that  with 
the  deckle  edge  are  both  very  lovely  and  in  excellent  taste 
if  the  color  is  subdued  or  pure  white.  And  to  be  con- 
spicuous is  to  be  ill-bred. 

The  complete  text  of  a  formal  note  must  appear  on 
the  first  page  only.  Thus,  a  good  size  for  a  woman's 
social  correspondence  stationery  is  four  and  a  half 
inches  by  six  inches,  although  it  may  be  slightly  larger 
than  that  for  general  correspondence.  Then  there  are 
the  very  small  sheets  used  merely  for  a  few  words  of 
condolence  or  congratulation.  The  size  of  stationery  for 
men's  social  correspondence  varies,  but  it  is  usually  a 


242  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

trifle  larger  than  a  woman's  note  paper.  A  man  never 
uses  small  sheets  of  paper,  nor  may  he  conduct  social 
correspondence  upon  business  or  ofBce  paper.  It  is  only 
when  private  stationery  is  not  easily  available,  and  a  letter 
must  be  immediately  mailed,  that  club  or  hotel  paper 
may  be  used  for  social  correspondence. 

Letter  paper  and  envelopes  should  be  of  the  same  color 
and  of  about  the  same  material.  We  say  "about"  for, 
when  the  note  paper  is  very  thin,  a  slightly  thicker  paper 
should  be  used  for  the  envelope.  Incidentallj',  very  thin 
paper  is  objectionable  for  social  correspondence  when 
both  sides  of  the  sheet  are  written  upon. 

Some  women  like  to  use  perfumed  paper  for  their  social 
correspondence.  While  it  is  not  exactly  bad  form  to  use 
perfiuned  stationery,  a  very  strong  fragrance  is  most 
objectionable.  Thus  only  the  most  delicate  of  perfumes 
may  be  used.  The  use  of  perfumes  for  men's  stationery 
is  entirely  discountenanced. 


CKESTS    AND    M0N06KAMS 

Just  as  the  gaudy  frills  and  furbelows  of  the  dress  of 
Queen  Elizabeth's  era  have  disappeared,  so  have  the  elab- 
orate crests,  seals  and  monograms  of  earlier  social  sta- 
tionery gradually  given  way  to  a  more  graceful  and  digni- 
fied simplicity.  Originality  may  be  the  possession  of 
those  who  can  attain  it,  but  it  must  always  be  accompanied 
by  simplicity  of  style. 

Gorgeous  monograms  are  not  desirable.  If  used  at 
all — and  very  few  even  of  our  proud  and  aristocratic 
families  do  use  them — they  should  be  decorative  without 
being  elaborate.     A  good  stationer  should  be  consulted 


CORRESPONDENCE  243 

before  org  determines  upon  a  monogram.  His  taste  and 
knowledge  should  direct  the  ultimate  choice. 

Monograms  and  crests  should  not  appear  on  the  en- 
velope, only  on  the  letter  paper.  Seals  may  be  stamped 
wherever  one  wishes  on  the  back  of  the  envelope,  although 
the  most  fashionable  place  is  in  the  direct  center  of  the 
flap.  On  mourning  stationery,  black  wax  is  permissible 
for  the  seal ;  red,  blue  or  any  dark  color  may  be  used  on 
white  or  light  gray  paper.  Care  should  be  taken  in  drop- 
ping the  hot  wax  and  pressing  the  seal,  for  nothing  is  so 
indicative  of  poor  taste  as  an  untidy  seal  on  the  envelope 
of  a  social  letter.  A  seal  should  not  be  used  unless  it 
is  actually  needed.  It  is  bad  form  to  use  it  in  addition 
to  the  mucilage  on  the  flap  of  the  envelope  unless  the 
mucilage  is  of  a  very  poor  quality. 

A  monogram  or  crest  is  placed  in  the  center  at  the  top 
of  the  page  when  no  address  is  given.  It  should  be  omit- 
ted entirely  when  the  address  appears  at  the  top  of  the 
page.  The  space  occupied  by  a  crest  or  monogram  should 
not  cover  more  than  the  approximate  circumference  of  a 
silver  dime.  A  crest  is  usually  stamped  in  gilt,  silver, 
black,  white  or  dark  green.    Vivid  colors  must  be  avoided. 

When  an  address  is  engraved  on  a  sheet  of  paper  the 
crest  or  monogram  should  be  omitted.  The  stationery 
of  a  country  house  frequently  has  the  name  of  the  place 
in  the  upper  right  hand  comer  with  the  name  of  the  post 
office  or  railroad  station  opposite.  Authors  sometimes 
have  their  names  reproduced  from  their  own  handwrit- 
ing and  engraved  across  the  top  of  the  paper  they  use 
for  their  business  correspondence. 

The  most  fashionable  stationery  to-day  does  not  bear 
crests  or  monograms  or  seals,  but  the  address  engraved 
in  Gothic  or  Roman  lettering  in  the  upper  center  of  note 


244.  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

and  letter  sheets,  also  on  the  reverse  side  of  the  envelope. 
Black  ink,  of  course,  is  used. 


USE  OF  THE  TYPEWRITEE 

Having  invaded  and  conquered  the  business  world,  the 
typewriter  has  now  become  a  social  necessity.  Personal 
typewriters,  made  in  portable  sizes,  are  now  being  used 
for  social  correspondence,  although  many  conservative 
people  prefer  to  remain  loyal  to  the  use  of  the  good  old 
pen  and  ink  method.  Yet,  when  the  best  handwriting  is 
often  illegible  and  hard  to  read,  a  modern  invention  so 
necessary  as  the  typewriter  should  be  hailed  with  delight 
and  used  with  enthusiasm. 

There  still  may  be  a  few  **extremists"  and  etiquette 
fanatics  who  insist  that  typewritten  letters  are  for  busi- 
ness purposes  only,  and  that  they  are  an  insult  when  used 
socially.  Prevalent  custom  to-day  permits  typewritten 
correspondence  for  nearly  every  occasion,  and  the  well- 
typed  social  letter  reflects  better  taste  upon  the  sender 
than  a  hand-written  letter  that  is  difficult  to  read — and 
yet  took  a  much  greater  length  of  time  to  write. 

Social  letters,  whether  hand  or  typewritten  should  not 
be  on  ordinary  commercial  paper.  The  letter  written 
on  the  machine  should  have  a  wide  margin  at  the  top, 
bottom  and  sides.  Signatures  to  a  typewritten  letter, 
social  or  business,  should  be  made  personally,  in  ink. 

EEGABDING  THE  SALUTATION 

It  is  only  in  cases  of  extreme  formality  that  the  ex- 
pression "Dear  Madam"  or  "Dear  Sir"  is  used.  For  or- 
dinary   social   correspondence,   the   salutation   is    either 


CORRESPONDENCE  246 

**Dear  Mr.  (Mrs.)  Roberts"  or  "My  dear  Mr.  (Mrs.) 
Roberts."  The  use  of  "My  dear"  is  considered  more 
formal  than  merely  "Dear,"  except  in  England  where  the 
first  form  is  considered  the  more  intimate. 

The  form  "Dear  Miss"  or  "Dear  Friend"  may  be  used 
on  no  condition  whatever.  It  is  either  **Dear  Miss  Wim- 
berley"  or  "Dear  Madam."  It  is  considered  presump- 
tuous, in  good  society,  for  a  man  to  address  a  lady  as 
^*Dear  Mrs.  Brown"  until  she  has  first  dropped  the  formal 
**my"  in  her  correspondence  with  him. 

The  strictly  formal  method  for  addressing  a  letter  to 
a  man  by  a  woman  who  is  a  total  stranger  to  him,  is : 

**Mr.  John  D.  Brown, 
"Dear  Sir." 

If  he  is  a  distant  relative,  addressed  for  the  first  time, 
or  the  friend  of  a  very  intimate  friend,  the  salutation  may 
read,  "My  dear  Mr.  Brown." 

CLOSING   THE    LKTTEE 

The  endings  "Very  truly  yours"  or  "Yours  truly"  ex- 
press a  certain  formality.  Friendly  letters  are  closed 
with  such  expressions  as,  "Yours  most  sincerely,"  "Cor- 
dially yours,"  "Very  affectionately  yours,"  "Lovingly 
yours."  The  latter  two  expressions  are  confined  largely 
to  intimate  friends  and  relatives,  while  the  others  are  used 
when  letters  are  written  to  new  acquaintances  or  casual 
friends.  The  pronoun  yours  should  never  be  omitted,  as 
it  leaves  the  phrase  unfinished  and  is  not  complimentary 
to  the  i)erson  addressed.  Thus,  closings,  such  as  "Very 
truly"  or  "Sincerely"  are  in  bad  form. 


246  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Always  remember,  in  social  letter-writing,  to  make  a 
**graceful  exit."  An  awkward  sentence  in  closing  often 
mars  what  would  otherwise  be  a  perfect  letter.  Forget 
certain  strained  expressions  that  remain  in  the  mind  and 
demand  to  be  used  as  closings,  merely  because  they  have 
been  used  by  so  many  people,  over  and  over  again.  Make 
the  farewell  in  your  social  letter  as  cordial  and  graceful 
as  your  farewell  would  be  if  you  were  talking  to  the  per- 
son, instead  of  writing.  Such  kind  expressions  as  "With 
kindest  personal  regards"  or  "Hoping  to  have  the  pleas- 
ure of  seeing  you  soon"  or  "With  best  wishes  to  your  dear 
mother  and  sisters"  always  add  a  note  of  warmth  and 
cordiality  to  the  social  letter.  These  should  be  followed 
by  "I  am."^  It  is  not  considered  good  form  to  end  a 
letter, 

Hoping  to  hear  from  you  soon. 

Yours  sincerely, 
but  it  should  be 

Hoping  to  hear  from  you  soon,  I  am 

Yours  sincerely. 
No  comma  is  used  after  '*am." 

It  is  not  good  taste  to  use  only  the  initials,  the  sur- 
names or  given  names  alone,  or  diminutives,  when  sign- 
ing notes  or  letters  except  when  they  are  addressed  to 
one's  most  intimate  friends.  A  married  woman  signs  her- 
self Ellen  Scott,  not  Mrs.  Guy  Scott,  in  social  correspond- 
ence. Often,  in  business  letters,  when  the  recipient  would 
be  in  doubt  as  to  whether  or  not  the  lady  were  to  be  ad- 
dressed as  Mrs.  or  Miss,  the  conclusion  to  the  letter 
should  be  in  this  form: 

Yours  truly, 

Ellen  Scott 
{Mrs.  Guy  Scott) 


CORRESPONDENCE  247 

An  unmarried  woman  signs  her  letters  "Margaret 
Scott,"  unless  it  is  a  business  communication  and  she  is 
liable  to  be  mistaken  for  a  widow.  In  this  case,  she  pre- 
cedes her  name  by  the  word  Miss  in  parentheses. 

The  first  and  last  names  of  the  man  writing  the  letter 
must  be  given  in  full,  and  if  there  is  a  middle  name,  either 
the  initial  or  full  spelling  may  be  given.  But  such  a  sig- 
nature as  J.  Ferrin  Robins  is  bad  form. 

It  is  both  undignified  and  confusing  to  sign  a  letter  with 
Due's  Christian  name  only,  unless  one  is  a  relative  or  very 
intimate  friend.  A  woman  never  signs  her  Christian  name 
alone  in  a  letter  to  a  man  unless  he  is  a  relative  or  her 
fiance  or  a  very  old  friend  of  the  family. 

ADDRESSING   THE  ENVELOPE 

Although  there  is  a  distinction  in  England  regarding 
the  use  of  "Mr."  and  "Esq.,"  both  forms  are  optional  here 
in  America.  Either  one  may  be  used  in  good  form.  But 
to  omit  both,  and  address  a  man  just  as  "Walter  J. 
Smith"  is  exceedingly  rude  and  bad  taste.  Neither  should 
"Esq."  and  "Jr."  be  used  together  in  this  manner,  "Walter 
J.  Smith,  Esq.,  Jr."  Tlie  correct  form  would  be  "Walter 
J.  Smith,  Jr."  A  servant  would  be  addressed  merely  as 
Walter  J.  Smith,  without  any  title. 

"Mrs."  or  "Miss"  must  invariably  precede  the  name  of  a 
woman  on  an  envelope  unless  she  is  a  profesisonal  woman 
with  some  such  title  as  "Dr."  A  woman  does  not  assume 
her  husband's  honorary  title ;  thus,  it  is  not  good  form  to 
address  an  envelope  in  this  manner :  "Mrs.  Captain  Smith" 
or  "Mrs.  Judge  Andrews." 

A  practicing  woman  physician  is  addressed  in  this  fash- 
ion, when  the  communication  is  professional:  "Dr.  EUen 


248  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

R.  Blank."  This  form  is  not  used  in  social  correspond- 
ence, except  in  the  case  of  a  very  famous,  elderly  physi- 
cian who  is  entitled  to  the  honorary  title  at  all  times. 
Otherwise  this  form  is  used  when  the  communication  is 
social:  "Miss  Ellen  R.  Blank"  or  "Mrs.  John  T.  Blank." 

LETTERS  OF  CONDOLENCE 

Letters  of  condolence  should  never  be  written,  unless 
the  writer  has  been  genuinely  moved  to  sympathy.  For 
that  reason,  they  are  usually  forthcoming  only  from  rela- 
tives and  intimate  friends  of  the  bereaved  family.  A  let- 
ter of  sympathy  should  be  brief  and  cordial.  Those  pre- 
tentious letters  that  are  filled  with  poetic  quotations  and 
sentimental  expressions  are  not  genuinely  sympathetic, 
and  those  that  refer  constantly  to  the  deceased  are  un- 
kind. A  few  well-chosen  words  of  sympathy  are  all  that 
is  necessary.  Following  are  two  model  letters  of  con- 
dolence, that  may  be  used  as  basic  forms  for  other  let- 
ters: 

New  York,  August  ^Ii-th. 
Dear  Miss  Curtis: 

I  hasten  to  offer  you  my  most  profotmd  sympathy  for 
the  great  grief  that  has  fallen  upon  you  and  your  house- 
hold. If  there  is  anything  I  can  do,  I  hope  you  mil  not 
hesitate  to  call  upon  me. 

Cordially  yours, 

Harriet  B.  Wainwright. 

Philadelphia,  May  5th. 
My  dear  Mrs.  Andrews: 

Knowing  as  I  do  from  my  own  experience  how  deep  your 
grief  must  be  I  also  know  that  there  is  little  that  anyone 


CORRESPONDENCE  249 

can  say  or  do  to  make  your  sorrow  any  the  less.  Yet  I 
cannot  refrain  from  offering  my  sincerest  sympathy,  ami 
along  with  it  the  hope  that  Time,  which  softens  all  things^ 
wUl  make  even  this  easier  to  hear. 

Believe  me,  most  sincerely  yours, 

Lillian  M.  Roberts. 


ACKNOWLEDGING  A  LETTEtt  OP  CONDOLENCE 

Mourning  or  white  paper  is  always  used  when  answer- 
ing a  letter  of  condolence,  except  when  the  engraved  cards 
of  acknowledgment  are  sent.  These  are  severely  plain, 
and  the  message  is  always  brief.  Often  they  are  sent  in 
the  name  of  the  entire  family,  as: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Hall  Hammond 
gratefully  acknowledge  your  expression  of 
sympathy  upon  the  death  of  their  daughter. 
June  6,  1921. 

This  is  certainly  the  easiest  Way  for  the  bereaved  to 
express  their  gratitude,  though  simple  notes  of  thanks 
may  be  sent  instead  of  the  more  formal  card. 

ETIQUETTE  OF  THE  FBIENDLY  LETTEE 

It  is  often  a  moot  question  among  friends  as  to  who 
shall  write  the  first  letter.  Generally  speaking,  it  is  the 
one  who  has  gone  away  rather  than  the  one  remains  be- 
hind who  writes  first,  though  among  good  friends  there 
is  no  more  necessity  to  count  letters  than  there  is  to  count 
visits.  The  writer  knew  a  college  girl  who,  when  she 
came  home,  decided  to  wait  before  writing  and  see  how 
xaany  of  her  friends  cared  enough  for  her  to  write  to  her. 


250  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

She  was  rather  gratified  by  the  result  but  if  each  girl  wx  o 
Game  away  from  the  school  had  arrived  at  the  same  de- 
cision the  situation  would  have  been  a  very  queer  one,  to 
say  the  least  of  it. 

A  young  lady  who  has  gone  away  may  send  a  card  or 
write  a  brief  note  to  a  gentleman  but  if  he  is  the  one  who 
has  departed  she  should  not  write  to  him  until  she  has  re- 
ceived a  letter  from  him. 

Some  people  may  feel  that  a  discourse  on  friendly  let- 
ters has  no  place  in  a  book  on  social  intercourse.  But 
we  feel  that  social  success  is  just  as  largely  dependent 
upon  one's  simple  friendships  as  it  is  upon  highly  extrava- 
gant social  activities,  and  therefore  it  is  necessary  to  know 
something  about  the  friendly  letter. 

The  salutation  in  a  friendly  letter  should  always  be 
"Dear  Mary"  or  "Dear  Miss  Jones."  The  text  of  the 
letter  should  be  written  with  ease,  and  instead  of  a  long 
list  of  questions  (as  some  letter-writers  delight  in  using), 
bits  of  choice  news  of  the  day,  interesting  personal  ex- 
periences, and  the  like  should  be  disclosed.  As  Elizabeth 
Myers  in  her  book  "The  Social  Letter,"  says:  "The 
friendly  letter  is  our  proxy  for  a  little  tete-a-tete,  telling 
of  the  personal  news  of  the  day,  and  should  be  as  extenj- 
poraneous  as  daily  speech.  Such  letters  are  given  free 
scope  and  it  would  be  as  bootless  to  dictate  rules  as  it 
would  be  to  commit  a  monologue  to  memory  prior  to  a 
friendly  visit." 

Unless  you  are  very  intimate  with  a  friend,  and  your 
letter  contains  '^identifying"  news,  do  not  sign  yourself 
merely  with  your  Christian  name.  There  are  many 
Marys,  and  Johns  and  Harolds ;  and  a  letter  signed  with 
the  full  name  is  as  cordial  as  one  which  gives  only  the 
baptismal  name. 


CORRESPONDENCE  251 

There  is  an  old  Latin  proverb,  **Litera  scripta  manet,** 
meaning  "The  written  letter  remains."  A  very  pretty 
sentiment  is  attached  to  this  one  short  sentence.  It 
means  not  only  that  the  letter  itself  remains,  but  that  the 
thoughts  contained  in  that  letter,  the  kind,  unselfish, 
pretty  thoughts  of  friendship,  remain  forever  in  heart 
and  mind  of  the  person  for  whom  it  was  intended.  When 
you  write  to  your  friends,  make  your  letters  so  beautiful 
in  form  and  text,  that  they  will  be  read,  re-read,  and 
cherished  a  long  time  after  as  a  fond  memory.  It  will  be 
a  big  step  on  the  road  to  social  perfection.  Another  point 
to  be  kept  in  mind  is  that  nothing  should  be  written  in 
a  letter  that  one  would  not  be  willing  for  almost  anyone 
to  see.  Letters  sometimes  travel  far,  and  one  can  never 
be  altogether  sure  into  what  hands  they  may  fall. 

THE  child's  letter 

The  sooner  the  child  is  taught  to  take  care  of  his  or 
her  own  personal  correspondence,  the  sooner  he  or  she 
will  become  perfect  in  the  art  of  letter-writing.  The  little 
ones  should  be  taught  early  the  significance  of  the  cor- 
rect letter,  the  importance  of  correct  social  correspond- 
ence. Their  duties  at  first  may  be  light,  and  guided  en- 
tirely by  mother's  suggestions;  but  the  youngsters  will 
soon  find  keen  pleasure  and  enjoyment  in  creating  letters 
themselves. 

Here  are  a  few  letters  that  might  have  been  written 
by  children  between  the  ages  of  seven  and  twelve.  They 
are  not  offered  as  model  letters,  for  children  have  a  great 
deal  more  personality  than  grown-ups,  and  they  must  get 
that  personality  into  what  they  write;  otherwise  the  let- 
ter will  be  strained  and  unnatural.     Do  not  be  too  crit- 


«62  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

ical  of  their  first  efforts.  Pass  over  mistakes,  and  let 
the  letter  sound  as  if  the  child  and  not  you  had  written 
it.  At  the  same  time  teach  them  to  be  careful.  With  a 
very  small  bit  of  diplomacy  the  child  can  be  brought  to 
take  great  pride  in  a  letter  which  he  wrote  "with  his  own 
hand."  And  don't  make  the  children  say  things  that  they 
do  not  want  to.  Protect  them  from  the  petty  insincerities 
of  social  life  as  long  as  possible  . 

Dear  Aunt  May: 

Thank  you  ever  so  much  for  the  pretty  doll.  I  have 
named  her  May.  Mother  thinks  she  is  very  pretty  hut 
Tom  does  not.  Tom  does  not  like  dolls.  He  plays  with 
the  dog  and  his  tops  and  marbles  nearly  all  the  time.  The 
dog's  name  is  Mike.  He  is  black.  I  like  him  lots.  We 
are  going  to  have  strawberry  ice  cream  Sunday.  I  wish 
you  could  be  here.     I  would  give  you  a  big  plate  fuU. 

Please  come  to  see  me  soon. 

Your  loving  nxece^ 

Helen. 

"Dear  Uncle  Frank, 

I  have  a  box  of  paints.  I  painted  a  dog  and  a  soldier 
this  morning.  The  soldier  has  on  a  red  coat.  The  dog 
is  a  pointer.  My  dog  is  a  rat  terrier  named  Jack.  He 
caught  a  big  rat  this  morning  in  the  barn.  Mother  says 
she  thinks  he  has  been  eating  the  chickens.  School  will 
be  out  in  a  week.  I  will  be  glad.  Mother  says  she  will 
not.  I  know  how  to  swim.  There  is  a  creek  near  liere, 
TJie  wafer  is  over  my  head  in  one  place.  I  am  going  fish- 
ing one  day  next  week.  I  caught  two  perch  last  time  I 
went. 

Your  nephew, 

John, 


CORRESPONDENCE  253 

Dear  Grandma. 

I  wish  you  a  very  happy  birthday,  and  I  hope  that  you 
will  like  the  present  I  sent  you.     Mother  says  that  she  will 
take  me  to  see  you  soon.     I  wish  she  could  take  me  to-day. 
Your  loving  grandchild, 
Mabel. 

XETTEES   TO   PEBSONS    OP   TITLE 

A  certain  set  of  definite  rules  is  prescribed  for  all  com- 
munication with  titled  people.  The  general  rules  given 
for  ordinary  social  correspondence  are  not  the  same  for 
persons  of  title,  and  as  each  executive,  dignitary  and  man 
or  woman  of  roj'al  blood  requires  special  address,  it  will 
be  necessary  to  incorporate  them  into  a  compact  scale 
\hat  can  be  easily  referred  to.  At  the  end  of  this  volume 
U  a  scale  giving  the  opening,  closing  and  address,  formal 
Ind  informal,  for  every  person  of  title. 


CHAPTER  VII 
PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN 

THE   HOME 

The  home  is  the  unit  of  our  social  life,  and  just  as  the 
whole  can  be  no  greater  than  the  sum  of  its  parts  so  the 
standard  of  behavior  in  a  community  can  be  no  higher 
than  the  sum  of  the  standards  in  the  homes  that  make  up 
that  community.  If  in  the  home  one  observes  strictly  the 
rules  of  politeness,  which  means  kindness,  one  will  hare 
very  little  trouble  with  the  rules  of  etiquette,  which  is 
simply  the  way  politeness  finds  expression  in  our  inter- 
course with  each  other.  Minor  canons  of  etiquette  change 
from  time  to  time  but  good  manners  are  always  the  same, 
and  never  out  of  fashion. 

APPEARANCE  OF  THE  HOUSE 

Obviously  a  book  on  etiquette  cannot  go  into  the  prob» 
lems  of  interior  decoration;  yet  a  word  or  two  will  nol 
be  out  of  place.  The  influence  of  one's  surroundings  on 
one's  temper  is  enormous  though  the  person  may  be  un- 
conscious of  the  fact.  A  disordered  room  gives  a  feeling 
of  depression  and  hopelessness  to  the  one  who  enters  it 
while  one  that  is  tidy  tends  to  impart  a  feeling  of  rest- 
fulness.  If  in  addition  to  its  neatness  it  is  furnished  in 
harmonious  colors — and  one  cannot  be  too  careful  of  the 

254 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  255 

colors  that  are  used  in  the  home — in  subdued  tones  it  will 
contribute  much  more  to  the  peace  and  happiness  of  the 
home  than  even  those  who  live  there  realize.  It  will  not 
eliminate  bad  tempers  or  do  away  with  disagreeable  mo- 
ments but  it  will  certainly  help  to  reduce  them  to  a 
minimum. 

DSESS 

In  another  volume  in  the  chapter  on  funerals  we  hare 
spoken  of  the  influence  of  dress,  especially  of  the  influ- 
ence of  the  constant  presence  of  black  on  young  children. 
This  is  only  one  small  phase  of  a  very  big  subject. 

In  the  home  the  chief  requisite  of  one's  dress  is  neat- 
ness. A  man  will  find  it  much  easier  to  accord  the  little 
courtesies  of  well-bred  society  to  his  wife  if  she  is  neatly 
and  becomingly  dressed,  however  simple  the  gown  may 
be,  than  if  she  is  slatternly  and  untidy.  The  children  also 
will  find  it  much  easier  to  love,  honor  and  obey  if  their 
parents  give  a  reasonable  amount  of  time  to  taking  care 
of  their  personal  appearance.  It  is  not  the  most  impor- 
tant thing  in  life  but  it  is  one  of  the  little  things  "that  of 
large  life  make  the  whole"  and  one  that  has  much  to  do 
with  making  it  pleasant  or  unpleasant. 

In  one  of  O.  Henry's  stories  a  little  girl  down  on  Chrys- 
tie  Street  asks  her  father,  "a  red-haired,  unshaven,  untidy 
man  sitting  shoeless  by  the  window"  to  play  a  game  of 
checkers  with  her.  He  refuses  and  the  child  goes  out 
into  the  street  to  play  with  the  other  children  "in  the 
corridors  of  the  house  of  sin."  The  story  is  not  a  pretty 
one.  Six  or  seven  years  later  there  is  a  dance,  a  murder 
and  a  plunge  into  the  East  River.  And  then  the  great 
short  story  writer  says  that  he  dreamed  the  rest  of  the 


256  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

story.  He  thought  he  was  in  the  next  world  and  "Liz," 
for  that  was  the  girl's  name,  was  being  tried  for  murder 
and  self-destruction.  There  was  no  doubt  but  that  she 
had  committed  the  crimes  ascribed  to  her,  but  the  verdict 
of  the  officer  in  the  celestial  court  was,  "Discharged." 
And  he  added,  "The  guilty  party  you've  got  to  look  for 
in  this  case  is  a  red-haired,  unshaven,  untidy  man,  sitting 
by  the  window  reading,  in  his  stocking  feet,  while  his  chil- 
dren play  in  the  streets."  It  is  not  so  much  that  dress 
in  itself  is  important  but  that  it  is  an  index  to  so  much 
else,  and  while  it  is  not  an  infallible  one  it  is  about  as  near 
right  as  any  we  have. 

DEESS  FOE  CHrLDEEN 

There  can  be  nothing  quite  so  humiliating  to  a  child  as 
to  be  dressed  in  an  outlandish  fashion  that  renders  him 
conspicuous.  Some  mothers,  delighting  in  the  attractive 
clothes  that  they  buy  for  their  children,  do  not  realize 
what  havoc  they  are  causing  to  the  tastes  of  the  child. 
A  little  boy  should  be  dressed  like  a  little  boy,  and  he 
should  be  allowed  to  develop  his  own  tastes  in  the  selection 
of  his  suits  and  blouses.  A  little  girl  should  by  all  means 
be  allowed  to  make  her  choice  of  the  clothes  she  is  to  wear, 
guided  by  mother's  superior  knowledge  and  experience. 
But  to  force  a  child  to  wear  a  garment  against  wliich  its 
very  soul  revolts,  is  to  crush  whatever  natural  instincts 
the  child  may  have  for  the  beautiful  and  artistic. 

It  is  sad  to  see  a  child  fretting  uncomfortably  in  a 
suit  that  is  too  tight,  or  a  huge  sailor  hat  that  laps  down 
over  the  eyes.  Simple,  comfortable  clothes  are  the  best 
for  children,  but  they  should  be  of  excellent  material. 
Rather  give  the  child  one  dress  of  excellent  material  and 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  «67 

workmanship,  than  two  that  are  faulty  and  inferior. 
Teach  her  to  appreciate  material  and  she  will  always 
prefer  quality  to  gaudiness. 


CHILDEEN  AND   DEVEIiOPMENT 

It  is  not  enough  to  give  children  the  material  things  of 
life.  There  are  some  things  that  money  cannot  buy,  and 
this  thing  we  call  "culture"  is  one  of  them.  It  is  a  part 
of  the  heavy  responsibility  of  parents  to  lead  the  children 
in  their  charge  into  the  paths  of  right  thinking  and  right 
living  and  the  task  should  be  a  joyous  one.  For  every 
child  born  into  the  world  has  infinite  possibilities  and  at 
its  very  worst  the  task  is  illumined  by  the  ray  of  hope. 
Even  the  ugly  duckling  became  a  swan. 

KNOW    YOUa    CHILDEEN ! 

Make  that  your  first  commandment  in  your  plan  of 
child-culture.  Know  your  cliildren!  And  by  "know- 
ing" we  do  not  mean  their  faults,  their  likes  and  dislikes, 
their  habits.  Know  their  ambitions,  their  little  hopes, 
their  fears  and  joiys  and  sorrows.  Be  not  only  their  ad- 
visors and  parents,  but  their  friends. 

In  his  book,  "Making  the  Most  of  the  Children,"  La 
Rue  says:  "We  may  say  there  are  four  kinds  of  par- 
ents,— spades,  clubs,  diamonds  and  hearts."  The  spade 
parent,  he  explains,  is  buried  in  his  work,  eager  only  to 
clothe  attractively  the  body  of  the  child,  but  willing  that 
its  soul  go  naked.  The  club  parent  is  engrossed  in  social 
activities ;  the  father  with  his  clubs  and  sports,  the  mother 
with  her  dinners  and  entertainments.     The  diamond  par- 


258  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

aits  love  glitter  and  ostentation.  They  must  se^m 
wealthy  and  prosperous  at  all  costs.  They  devote  their 
time  and  thought  to  their  home  and  outward  appearance 
— they  never  think  about  knowing  their  children. 

But  the  heart  parent,  La  Rue  teUs  us,  is  the  man  or 
woman  who  is  essentially  a  home  maker.  He  provides  a 
library  for  the  child,  a  cosy  room,  an  environment 
that  is  truly  home.  And  he  spends  time  with  him,  learn- 
ing all  about  his  hopes  and  ambitions,  encouraging  him, 
teaching  him.  He  knows  the  child;  and  the  child  knows 
that  he  has  a  friend  upon  whom  to  depend  not  only  for 
material  comforts  but  for  spiritual  advice  and  guidance. 

You  must  know  your  children,  before  you  can  attempt 
to  make  them  well-mannered  and  well-bred. 


IMirATION 

The  strongest  force  that  enters  into  the  molding  of 
children's  character  and  deportment  is  the  character  and 
deportment  of  their  own  parents.  Youngsters  cannot  find 
the  beautiful  gift  of  good  manners  in  some  unknown 
place ;  whatever  they  do  and  say  is  in  imitation  of  some- 
thing they  heard  their  elders  do  and  say.  The  whole  life 
of  a  man  or  woman  is  colored  by  the  environment  and 
atmosphere  of  his  or  her  early  childhood. 

Cliildren  should  not  be  taught  "party  manners."  If 
they  are  to  be  well-bred  at  all,  they  must  be  so  at  all 
times;  and  ill-bred  parents  can  no  more  have  well-bred 
children  than  an  oak  tree  can  have  pine  needles.  And  the 
chief  beauty  of  perfect  manners  is  that  they  are  so  habit- 
ual as  to  be  perfectly  unconscious. 

Of  great  importance,  therefore,  is  the  law  of  teaching 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  259 

by  example.  Show  the  children  that  you  yourself  follow 
the  laws  of  good  conduct  and  courtesy.  Whether  guests 
are  present  or  not,  let  your  table  etiquette  be  faultless. 
Address  everyone,  and  especially  the  children  themselves, 
with  studied  courtesy  and  thoughtfulness.  A  well-bred 
child  is  known  immediately  by  his  or  her  speech ;  and  when 
courtesy  and  gentle,  polite  conversation  is  the  rule  in  the 
home,  it  wiU  follow  as  the  night  the  day  that  it  will  be 
the  rule  elsewhere. 

Parents  invariably  feel  embarrassment  at  the  ill-man- 
ners and  lack  of  courtesy  on  the  part  of  their  children. 
They  would  often  be  able  to  avoid  this  embarrassment  if 
they  realized  that  it  was  simply  their  manners  and  lack 
of  courtesy  in  the  home,  an  indication  that  they  them- 
selves neglect  the  tenets  of  good  breeding. 


THE  CHILD  S   SPEECH 

It  is  a  very  grave  mistake  to  repress  constantly  the 
speech  of  children.  But  it  is  necessary  that  they  should 
be  taught  early  the  true  value  of  conversation,  instead 
of  being  permitted  to  prattle  nonsense.  An  excellent 
training  is  to  converse  with  the  child  when  you  are  alone 
with  him,  drawing  out  his  ideas,  giving  him  "food  for 
thought,"  telling  liim  interesting  stories  and  watching  his 
reactions. 

In  addressing  elders  the  child  shoidd  know  exactly  the 
correct  forms  to  use.  For  instance,  it  is  no  longer  con- 
sidered good  form  for  anyone  except  servants  or  trades- 
people to  use  the  expressions  "Yes,  ma'am,"  and  "Yes, 
sir."  StiU  there  is  some  deference  due  parents  and  elders, 
and  the  correct  method  of  address  is,  "Yes,  mother,"  or 


260  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

*'No,  father,"  or  "Thank  you,  Mr.  Gray.'*  The  manner 
of  the  child  is  just  as  important  as  the  form  of  expres- 
sion; a  courteous,  respectful  manner  should  always  be 
used  towards  elders. 

Contradictions  are  unbecoming  in  children.  Yet  the 
young  girl  or  boy  must  be  entitled  to  his  or  her  own  opin- 
ion. If  something  is  said  with  which  he  does  not  agree, 
and  if  he  is  taking  part  in  the  conversation,  he  may  say, 
"I  beg  your  pardon,  but  .  .  ."  or,  *'I  really  think  you  are 
making  a  mistake.     I  think  that.  .  .  ." 


AT   THE   TABLE 

The  final  test  of  good  manners  comes  at  the  table.  Re- 
membering this  the  parents  should  lay  special  stress  on 
this  part  of  a  child's  training,  so  as  to  make  his  manner 
of  eating  as  natural  as  his  manner  of  breathing.  And  one 
is  almost  as  important  as  the  other.  There  are  no  par- 
ticular rules  for  children  beyond  those  which  older  peo- 
ple should  follow  and  these  are  given  further  on  in  this 
volume.  Children  are  really  little  men  and  women  and 
their  training  is  all  for  the  purpose  of  equipping  them  to 
live  the  lives  of  men  and  women  in  the  happiest  and  most 
useful  way  possible. 

A  child  should  never  seat  himself  until  those  older  than 
he  are  in  place  though  even  this  should  not  be  ostentatious. 
As  soon  as  the  mother  or  whoever  is  presiding  at  the  table 
indicates  that  it  is  time  for  them  to  be  seated  they  all 
should  take  their  places  almost  simultaneously. 

Disparaging  comments  on  the  food  are  ill-bred.  Un- 
pleasant incidents  should  be  passed  over  lightly  whether 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  261 

they  take  place  in  the  intimacy  of  the  home  circle  or  in 
a  more  formal  gathering. 

The  conversation  should  be  agreeable.  Quarreling, 
nagging,  gossiping,  scandal-mongering,  and  fretting  are 
absolutely  taboo. 


PLAYMATES 

We  have  already  said  that  children  catch  their  manners 
from  the  people  about  them.  This  is  as  true  of  their 
playmates  as  of  their  parents  and  when  the  child  is  in 
school  nearly  all  day  and  playing  out  somewhere  the  rest 
of  the  time  except  during  the  evening  when  he  is  at  home 
studying  it  is  perhaps  even  more  so.  The  most  rigid  dis- 
cipline and  the  most  loving  care  will  not  prevail  against 
the  example  of  Tom,  Dick,  or  Harry,  if. these  three  have 
been  allowed  "to  run  wild."  There  is  a  glamor  about 
lawlessness  even  among  children.  This  should  be  kept  in 
mind  by  their  parents,  and  while  they  should  be  placed, 
insofar  as  it  is  possible,  among  desirable  playmates,  there 
should  not  be  too  stern  repression.  For  this  may  stifle 
development,  it  may  breed  sullenness,  or  it  may  engender 
rebellion. 

There  are  too  many  parents  to-day  who  try  to  bring 
up  their  children  "by  the  rule."  There  is  no  rule.  Each 
child  is  a  law  unto  himself  and  the  best  way  the  mother  or 
father  can  learn  to  take  care  of  him  is  to  study  the 
youngster  himself. 

Instead  of  the  swaggering  playmate  or  one  that  is 
otherwise  undesirable  the  parent  should  offer  something 
better.  Of  course,  he  should  be  his  child's  friend  and 
counselor  as  well  as  his  parent,  but  the  wisest  and  most 


262  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

lovable  parent  that  ever  lived  could  not  satisfy  all  the 
longings  and  desires  of  the  child's  heart.  He  needs  com- 
panionship of  his  own  age.  The  constant  friction  among 
playmates  is  the  best  way  in  the  world  to  rub  away  sharp 
comers  and  rough  places. 

Games,  books,  music,  toys,  friends — carefully  chosen, 
these  are  the  most  important  elements  which  enter  into 
the  molding  of  the  cliild's  life  and  are  therefore  the  ones 
to  which  greatest  attention  should  be  given. 


childeen's  parties 

A  party  is  something  that  the  average  child  looks  back 
upon  with  pleasure  for  a  long,  long  time.  There  is  no 
more  pleasant  way  of  inculcating  a  feeling  of  genuine  hos- 
pitality or  of  bringing  about  an  easy  manner  in  the  draw- 
ing-room than  through  allowing  children  to  have  parties 
and  giving  them  a  large  share  of  the  responsibility  for 
making  them  successful.  The  mother  should  superintend 
everything  but  she  should  consult  and  advise  the  child 
about  favors,  refreshments,  etc.  The  most  attractive  in- 
vitations are  those  which  the  youngster  himself  writes. 
Charming  designs  may  be  had  from  the  stationers  with 
blank  spaces  to  be  filled  it  by  the  person  sending  them. 
This  makes  the  child's  task  delightful  as  well  as  simple. 

Until  he  is  old  enough  to  write,  his  mother  pens  his 
invitations.  Rarely  are  engraved  invitations  used  for  a 
children's  affair.  The  invitation  may  be  addressed  to  the 
child  or  to  its  mother  and  since  parties  for  little  people 
are  usually  very  informal  the  invitation  should  be  informal 
also.  The  following  shows  a  form  which  is  sometimes 
used. 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  ^63 

Dear  Mrs.  Grant, 

I  am  haimg  a  little  party  for  some  of  JuliarCs  friends 
Thursday  afternoon  and  am  so  anxious  for  Mary  to  come. 
If  you  will  send  her  about  four  o'clock  I  will  see  that  she 
gets  hack  home  around  six. 

Cordially  yours, 

Agnes  K.  Marshall. 

If  the  invitation  is  addressed  to  the  child  it  might  be 
worded  something  like  this : 

Dear  Mary, 

Julian  is  planning  to  have  a  little  party  Thursday 
afternoon  and  he  wants  you  to  come  about  four  o'clock. 
Tell  your  mother  that  we  will  see  that  you  get  home  about 
six.     We  both  want  you  very  much. 

Cordially  your  friend, 

Agnes  K.  Marshall. 

Birthday  parties  are  usually  held  in  the  afternoon  be- 
tween three  and  six.  Older  children,  those  of  the  Sweet 
Sixteen  age,  may  have  parties  from  four  to  seven,  or 
eight  o'clock.  Hallowe'en,  New  Year  and  St.  Patrick's  Day 
parties  for  little  tots,  are  invariably  in  the  afternoon. 
Mother  should  arrange  for  sufficient  interesting  games  to 
keep  the  youngsters  amused  and  entertained;  and  it  al- 
ways adds  greatly  to  the  fun,  if  a  little  prize  is  offered 
for  the  winner  of  each  game. 

Parties  and  ice-cream,  of  course,  go  hand  in  hand. 
Sweets,  cakes  and  fruit  usually  accompany  the  ice-cream. 
Sometimes  hot  chocolate  and  wafers  are  served  to  the 
youngsters.     At  the  birthday  party,  the  inevitable  birth- 


264  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

day  cake  is  usually  cut  and  served  by  the  young  host 
or  hostess.  Mother  must  not  forget  the  candles,  "one 
for  each  year  and  one  for  good  measure."  The  refresh- 
ments at  young  folks*  parties  are  usually  served  at  or 
about  four  o'clock. 

It  is  most  essential  to  have  a  sufficient  number  of 
amusements  planned  to  keep  the  children  entertained  every 
minute  of  the  time.  They  cannot  be  trusted  to  take  care 
of  themselves  especially  if  the  party  is  a  mixed  one.  The 
hostess  must  also  be  careful  not  to  have  the  games  so 
active  as  to  tire  the  youngsters  out  and  she  must  be  sure 
that  the  refreshments  are  wholesome.  It  is  no  very  small 
undertaking  to  give  a  successful  children's  party  but  the 
reward  is  great  enough  to  make  it  worth  while. 


PliANNING  SURPRISES 

The  two  important  rules  of  children's  parties  may  be 
analyzed  briefly  as:  simplicity  and  a  surprise  combined 
with  suspense.  Suspense  is  especially  important;  chil- 
dren have  impatient  little  souls  and  when  they  are  prom- 
ised some  strange  and  vague  surprise,  they  are  delighted 
beyond  measure,  and  spend  the  time  awaiting  it  with 
keen  delight  and  expectation. 

The  surprise  may  consist  of  a  huge  Jack  Horner  pie, 
filled  with  pretty  souvenirs.  It  may  be  a  Brownie  party, 
with  cunning  little  Brownie  hoods  and  capes  previously 
prepared  for  the  young  visitors.  It  may  be  any  one  of 
a  thousand  gay,  simple,  childhood  games  that  youngsters 
dehght  in.  To  offer  a  prize  for  the  winner  always  arouses 
keen  interest  in  the  game. 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  265 

»ECEIVING    THE    YOUNG    GUESTS 

At  children's  parties,  the  hostess  stands  in  the  back- 
ground cordially  seconding  the  welcomes  extended  by  her 
little  son  or  daughter.  When  everyone  has  arrived,  the 
young  host  or  hostess  leads  the  way  into  the  dining-room 
and  the  dinner. 

After  the  dinner  there  will  be  games  until  it  is  time  to 
leave.  The  wise  hostess  will  see  that  all  fragile  bric-fl- 
brac  and  expensive  furniture  is  well  out  of  the  way  before 
the  children  come.  And  she  will  see  that  as  soon  as  a 
game  is  becoming  too  boisterous,  or  too  tiresome,  another 
is  suggested.  There  must  be  variety  to  the  entertainment' 
for  children  grow  weary  very  quickly. 

ABOUT   THE    BIETHDAY   PAETY 

If  the  party  is  in  honor  of  a  child's  birthday,  an  effort 
should  be  made  to  make  it  as  festive  as  possible.  The 
birthday  flower,  whatever  it  happens  to  be,  should  be 
given  prominence.  The  table  should  have  an  attractive 
floral  centerpiece,  and  must  be  as  well-laid  as  the  correctly 
formal  dinner-table  of  the  older  folks. 

It  is  customary  for  the  guests  to  bring  a  gift  for  the 
child,  but  latelj'  it  has  been  forbidden  by  some  parents. 
There  is  no  reason  to  forbid  it,  however,  as  the  custom  is 
a  pretty  one  and  the  gifts  are  usually  trifling.  And  it 
is  as  amusing  as  it  is  pleasing  to  watch  how  proudly  and 
importantly  the  young  visitor  bestows  his  gifts  upon  his 
comrade. 

The  birthday  cake  holds  the  place  of  honor  on  the 
table.     Around  the  edge  of  it,  in  small  tin  holders,  are 


^6  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

candles — one  for  each  year  the  child  has  thus  far  cele- 
brated. One  candle  is  blown  out  by  each  little  guest,  and 
with  it  goes  a  secret  wish  of  happiness  for  the  boy  or  girl 
whose  birthday  it  is.  Some  parents  do  not  wish  to  run 
the  risk  of  accidents  caused  by  burning  candles.  In  this 
case,  it  is  pretty  to  have  the  icing  on  cake  represent  the 
face  of  a  clock,  with  the  hour  hand  pointing  to  the  hour 
which  indicates  the  child's  age.  Very  often  when  the 
slices  of  birthday  cake  are  distributed,  tiny  gifts  are  pre- 
sented with  them. 

WHEN   THE   YOUNG    GUESTS   XEAVE 

A  problem  which  the  hostess  of  children's  parties  in- 
variably meets,  is  how  to  get  the  children  home  safely. 
Undoubtedly,  the  parents  of  the  young  children  should 
provide  some  means  of  having  them  escorted  home  safely 
after  the  party ;  the  duty  should  not  be  allowed  to  devolve 
upon  the  hostess.  If  the  children  are  older,  of  high- 
school  age,  the  young  boys  may  be  trusted  to  escort  the 
girls  to  their  homes.  When  children  are  very  young  they 
have  no  idea  when  to  leave.  The  hostess  may  say,  "Let 
us  have  one  more  game  before  you  start  for  home,  chil- 
dren," and  immediately  proceed  to  explain  what  the  game 
shall  be,  impressing  it  upon  them  that  they  are  expected 
to  leave  for  home  as  soon  as  it  is  over.  Or  she  may  sug- 
gest a  final  grand  march  which  the  youngsters  will  no 
doubt  enter  into  wholeheartedly — and  the  march  may  lead 
into  the  room  where  their  wraps  are  waiting. 

There  is  nothing  quite  as  beautiful  and  gratify^ing  as 
a  group  of  laughing,  happy  children;  and  the  hostess 
who  has  attained  this  may  indeed  feel  repaid  for  her 
trouble.     Children  are  easy  to  please,  too.     Something  ab- 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  267 

surd,  something  the  least  bit  out  of  the  ordinary,  some- 
thing queer  or  grotesque,  is  bound  to  win  their  immediate 
applause  no  matter  how  simple  and  inexpensive  it  may 
be.  And  strangely  enough,  the  hostess  who  manages  to 
bring  the  sunshine  and  merriment  into  the  hearts  of  her 
young  guests,  feels  young  and  cliildish  herself  for  the  time 
being — and  the  feeling  is  one  of  such  utter  delight  and 
happiness  that  it  is  well  worth  the  effort. 

childeen's  entertainments  away  fsom  home 

There  are  many  delightful  ways  of  entertaining  children 
away  from  home,  and  out-of-door  parties  are  especially 
wholesome.  Motion  picture  parties  for  children  that  are 
old  enough  are  very  pleasing  if  the  picture  is  a  good  one. 
This  is  a  point  that  should  be  carefully  attended  to  be- 
forehand. It  is  no  time  to  "take  a  chance."  At  the 
party  out  in  the  woods  or  down  by  the  bank  of  the  creek 
refreshments  should  consist  of  picnic  fare.  The  motion 
picture  party  or  the  matinee  party  might  be  followed  by 
ice-cream  or  by  a  simple  dinner.  But  however  many  of 
these  entertainments  one  may  give  one  must  remember  that 
there  is  after  all  not  a  great  deal  of  art  in  amusing  peo- 
ple when  the  amusements  are  furnished  by  someone  else, 
and  also  that  the  art  of  entertaining  charmingly  at  home 
is  perhaps  the  greatest  art  of  them  all. 

CHILDEEN  AND  DANCING 

The  dancing  school  teaches  the  yoiingster  a  great  deal 
more  than  merely  a  few  dancing  steps.  From  no  other 
source  is  it  possible  for  the  young  boy  or  girl  to  acquire 
the  grace,  the  poise,  the  charm  of  manner  that  the  danc- 
ing school  imparts. 


268  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

The  writer  knows  a  very  lovely  young  miss  of  twelve 
years,  who  has  so  charming  a  manner  that  one  delights  to 
be  with  her.  Yet,  her  parents  confide,  that  two  years 
ago  she  was  so  nervous  and  fidgety  that  they  were  ashamed 
to  take  her  anywhere.  They  attribute  her  present  grace 
and  ease  to  her  lessons  at  dancing  school. 

There  is  no  reason  why  boys  should  not  also  be  regis- 
tered at  the  dancing  school.  A  young  man  who,  in  child- 
hood learned  the  little  formalities  of  the  dancing  school, 
will  not  be  so  likely  to  feel  ill  at  ease  in  the  formal  draw- 
ing-room, or  at  the  elaborate  dinner.  He  will  know  how 
to  conduct  himself  without  embarrassment  or  self-con- 
sciousness. 

In  training  our  children's  manners  and  speech,  we  musi 
not  forget  that  their  physical  development  is  most  im- 
portant. Etiquette  requires  that  the  child  know,  not  only 
how  to  act  at  the  table,  how  to  greet  visitors  and  how  ta 
be  well-behaved  and  mannerly,  but  also  how  to  appear 
polite  and  polished.  Dancing  gives  them  just  the  righ^ 
foundation  for  grace  and  courtesy  of  manner. 

A  WORD   TO   PARENTS 

In  your  hands  has  been  placed  the  destiny  of  a  child, 
or  of  children,  to  be  molded,  developed  and  formed  into 
fx  perfect  being.  Do  not  make  the  mistake  that  so  many 
parents  make — the  mistake  of  thinking  that  the  child  is 
a  miniature  of  yourself,  a  pocket  edition  of  yourself  as 
it  were.  You  have  certain  tastes,  habits,  hopes  and  de- 
sires cultivated  through  years  of  experience  and  educa- 
tion. The  child  has  a  young  mind  to  be  expanded  and 
developed,  a  young  body  to  be  molded  into  lines  of  grace 
and  charm,  a  young  life  to  be  made  fine  and  beautiful. 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  269 

It  is  not  an  easy  task,  this  leading  a  child  through  the 
correct  channels  of  early  life.  The  young  minds  are  so 
sensitive,  the  young  memory  is  so  retentive;  evil  influ- 
ences are  so  easily  made,  and  become  so  readily  a  part  of 
the  boy's  or  girl*s  life.  Someone  once  said,  **Motherhood 
is  made  up  of  denial."  All  parenthood  is  made  up  of 
denial — for  from  the  time  the  youngster  first  opens  its 
eyes  in  its  cradle,  the  parents  must  deny  themselves  every- 
thing that  is  necessary  to  make  that  child  a  perfect  man 
or  woman. 

Tliey  must  give  up  much  of  their  social  duties  to  at- 
tend to  the  development  of  the  child*s  mind.  They  must 
spend  hours  with  the  youngster  in  his  or  her  play,  so  that 
there  will  be  woven  in  with  that  play,  a  subtle  teaching. 
They  must  deny  themselves  material  and  spiritual  com- 
forts so  that  those  whose  destiny  is  in  their  hands,  will  be 
correctly  prepared  to  meet  life. 

There  are  several  chapters  to  the  book  of  childhood. 
It  is  the  complete  volume  that  counts — not  just  one  page. 
Follow  your  child  tlirough  all  his  chapters  of  cliildhood, 
enter  into  his  play  and  study  and  ambitions.  There  are 
so  many  little  incidents  that  remain  in  the  memory  and 
permanently  change  the  behavior.  It  is  one  thing  to  be 
just  a  parent,  quite  another  to  be  parent  and  friend.  Let 
your  child  see  that  you  are  interested  in  all  his  activitws, 
and  your  influence  will  have  a  great  deal  to  do  in  the  shap' 
ing  of  his  future  manners. 

AMUSEMENTS 

"Be  as  careful  of  the  books  you  read  as  of  the  company 
you  keep ;  for  your  habits  and  character  will  be  as  much 
influenced  by  the  former  as  by  the  latter."     This  bit  of 


270  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

wisdom  from  the  pen  of  Paxton  Hood  reveals  one  great 
duty  which  confronts  every  parent.  The  child  must  have 
its  own  library,  and  one  that  will  correctly  develop  ita 
mind  and  manners.  Even  if  it  is  only  one  shelf  of  books 
in  the  nursery,  it  should  belong  to  the  child  itself.  The 
pride  of  personal  ownership  increases  the  value  of  the 
books. 

Books  should  be  chosen  with  care,  but  there  should  be 
sufficient  variety  to  enable  the  young  boy  or  girl  to  select 
the  subject  that  he  or  she  is  most  interested  in.  Fiction 
should  be  of  the  better  kind,  Robinson  Crusoe,  Little  Lord 
Fauntleroy,  the  Jungle  Books,  Grimm's  or  Anderson's 
Fairy  Tales,  *'Alice  in  Wonderland,"  etc.  Boys  wUl  like 
"Plain  Tales  from  the  HiUs,"  "Bob,  Son  of  Battle," 
"Treasure  Island,"  "The  Sea-Wolf,"  "Huckleberry  Finn," 
**Twenty  Thousand  Leagues  Under  the  Sea,"  etc. 

There  should  be  special  attention  given  to  the  classics. 
It  is  unfortunate  that  so  much  of  the  time  devoted  to  them 
should  be  spent  altogether  in  the  schoolroom  for  books 
that  one  has  to  read  are  rarely  the  ones  that  one  likes 
best.  Dickens,  Thackeray,  Shakespeare,  George  Eliot, 
and  a  mighty  host  of  others  are  waiting  for  the  child  who 
is  old  enough  to  understand  them.  The  parent  should 
watch  the  tendencies  of  the  mind  of  his  child  and  should 
keep  him  supplied  with  books  that  will  develop  and  ex- 
pand the  little  intellect  in  accordance  with  its  natural 
preferences.  The  best  way  to  teach  a  child  to  care  for 
books  is  to  keep  him  surrounded  with  them  and  to  read 
to  liim  or  tell  him  stories  from  time  to  time  and  to  be  pa- 
tient if  he  is  slow  in  manifesting  a  desire  to  use  the  key 
that  unlocks  the  treasure  that  lies  between  the  covers  of 
books. 

Music  is  one  of  the  best  means  of  developing  the  child's 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  271 

emotional  nature  and  of  subduing  wayward  impulses  and 
of  bringing  about  harmony  in  the  home  circle.  The 
writer  knows  of  one  family — and  there  are  many  others 
— ^which  sometimes  in  the  evening  finds  itself  all  at  sixes 
and  sevens.  Nobody  agrees  with  anybody  else ;  the  whole 
group  is  hopelessly  tangled.  The  mother  goes  to  the 
piano  and  begins  playing  a  song  that  they  all  know.  One 
by  one  the  members  of  the  family  join  in  and  it  is  not  long 
before  they  are  all  gathered  around  the  piano  singing 
song  after  song  and  the  petty  disagreements  and  the  un- 
pleasant feeling  of  discord  have  vanished  into  thin  air. 

Much  is  to  be  said  in  favor  of  the  gramophones. 
Through  them  the  best  music  is  accessible  to  almost  every- 
one. But  it  is  not  wise  to  depend  on  them  altogether, 
for  children  have  talent  to  be  developed,  and  there  is  a 
charm  about  music  in  the  family  that  is  like,  to  use  a  crude 
comparison — ^home-cooking.  It  cannot  be  duplicated 
elsewhere. 

LET   THE   CHIM)   BE  NATUEAI. 

After  aU,  the  greatest  charm  of  childhood  is  natural, 
spontaneous  simplicity.  Stilted,  party-mannered  chil- 
dren are  bores.  They  are  unnatural.  And  that  which  is 
not  natural,  cannot  be  well-bred. 

The  cause  of  shy,  bashful,  self-conscious  youngsters  is 
wrong  training.  They  are  repressed  instead  of  developed. 
Their  natural  tendencies  are  held  down  by  constant  re- 
minders and  scoldings  and  warnings.  Instead,  they  should 
be  broioffhf  out  by  proper  encouragement,  by  kind,  sym- 
pathetic understanding.  Some  children  have  the  idea,  in 
their  extreme  youth,  that  parents  are  made  only  to  forlrid 
things,  to  repress  them  and  make  them  do  things  against 


272  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

which  their  natures  revolt.  The  bond  that  should  exist 
between  parent  and  child  is  a  certain  understanding 
friendliness^ — an  implicit  faith  on  the  part  of  the  child, 
and  a  wise  guidance  on  the  part  of  the  parent. 

Remember  that  a  child  is  like  a  flower.  If  the  flower 
is  not  permitted  to  struggle  upward  towards  the  sun,  and 
to  gather  in  the  tiny  dewdrops,  it  will  wither  and  die.  If 
the  child  is  not  allowed  to  develop  naturally,  its  tastes 
and  ideals  will  be  warped  and  shallow. 

Teach  your  child  to  be  well-mannered  and  polite,  but 
do  not  disguise  him  with  unnatural  manners  and  speech. 


THE   YOUNG   GIRi; 

There  are  two  kinds  of  young  girls — ^those  who  face 
life  as  some  great  opportunity,  who  consider  it  a  splen- 
did gift  to  be  made  the  most  of,  and  who  help  to  create 
the  beauty  that  they  love  to  admire;  and  those  who  are 
butterflies  of  society,  whose  lives  are  mere  husks,  without 
depth,  without  worth-while  impulses  and  ambitions.  They 
are  satisfied  if  they  know  how  to  dance  gracefully,  if  they 
know  how  to  enter  a  room  in  an  impressive  manner,  if 
they  know  how  to  be  charming  at  the  dinner  table.  Their 
conversation  is  idle  chatter;  their  ambitions  are  to  be 
''social  queens,"  to  earn  social  distinction  and  importance. 

Fortunately,  the  twentieth  century  girl  is  less  of  a  but- 
terfly than  the  tight-laced,  hoop-skirted  young  miss  of  the 
latter  part  of  the  nineteenth  century.  Perhaps  the  war 
had  something  to  do  with  it.  Perhaps  it  is  because 
so  many  new  occupations  have  been  opened  up  to 
her.  Perhaps  it  is  evolution.  But  the  young  miss  of 
to-day  is  certainly  more  thrilled  with  life  and  its  possibili* 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  27S 

ties  than  her  sister  of  two  or  three  decades  ago  ever  was. 
Life  is  no  longer  shown  to  the  young  daughter  as  a 
plajrthing  by  fond  parents  who  plan  no  future  except 
marriage  and  social  success  for  the  young  woman  whose 
future  rests  in  their  hands.  To-day  life  is  shown  to  her 
as  it  is  shown  to  her  brother — as  something  beautiful, 
something  impressive,  something  worthy  of  deep  thought 
and  ambitious  plans. 

To-day  the  young  girl  is  not  only  taught  to  dance 
gracefully,  to  enter  a  room  correctly,  and  to  conduct  her- 
self with  ease  and  charm  at  the  dinner  table,  but  she  is 
taught  to  develop  her  natural  talents  and  abilities  so  that 
the  world  will  be  left  a  little  better  for  her  having  lived 
in  it.  Her  conduct,  therefore,  is  tinged  with  a  new  dig- 
nity of  purpose,  a  new  desire  to  make  the  best  of  the  gift 
of  life.  Instead  of  idle  chatter  her  conversation  assimies 
the  proportion  of  intellectual  discussions,  and  young  men 
and  women  to-day  discuss  intelligently  problems  that 
would  not  have  been  mentioned  in  polite  society  a  genera- 
tion ago. 

It  is  to  help  the  young  girl  to  prepare  for  the  glorious 
future  that  awaits  her  that  the  following  paragraphs  are 
written, 

THE  GIKL's  manner 

There  is  nothing  quite  as  charming  in  a  yoimg  girl  as 
repose  of  manner.  A  soft  voice,  a  quiet,  cultured  manner 
is  more  to  be  admired  than  a  pretty  face,  or  an  elaborate 
gown. 

Let  the  young  girl  look  to  the  ancient  Greeks  for  in- 
spiration. Here  she  will  find  the  true  conception  of  beauty 
— repose  of  manner  and  utter  simplicity.     She  will  find 


274  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

that  to  be  perfect  is  to  be  natural,  and  that  one  must  be 
simple  and  unostentatious  to  be  beautiful  in  the  true  sense 
of  the  word.  After  all,  what  can  be  quite  so  lovely  as 
beautiful  manners?  And  what  can  be  more  worthy  of 
admiration  and  respect  than  a  sweet,  well-mannered  young 
girl? 

Politeness  and  courtesy  are  two  other  important  vir- 
tues that  the  young  girl  should  devdop.  She  should  be 
as  polite  to  her  mother  and  sister  as  she  is  to  strangers. 
She  should  be  courteous  and  kind  to  everyone.  And  she 
should  learn  the  art  of  listening  as  well  as  the  art  of 
conversation. 

THE  CHAPEEON 

American  girls  with  their  independent  ideas  of  social 
requirements  mock  the  idea  of  a  chaperon  to  the  theater 
or  dance.  And  this  is  especially  true  of  the  many  young 
women  who  are  planning  careers  for  themselves,  who  in- 
tend to  be  more  than  social  butterflies. 

We  are  proud  of  the  ideal  American  girl.  We  do  not 
mean,  of  course,  the  self-esteemed,  arrogant  young  miss 
who  derides  all  conventions  and  calls  herself  "free."  In 
her  we  are  not  interested  at  alL  But  there  is  the  true 
American  type — the  young  girl  who  is  essentially  a  lady, 
who  has  self-reliance  but  is  not  bold,  who  is  firm  without 
being  overbearing,  who  is  brainy  but  not  masculine,  who 
is  courageous,  strong  and  fearless,  yet  feminine.  She  has 
no  need  of  the  chaperon ;  and  it  is  because  of  her  that  the 
**decay  of  the  chaperon"  has  been  so  rapid  in  America. 

And  so  we  find  that  the  American  girl  who  is  well-bred, 
who  is  well-mannered  and  high-principled,  may  attend  the 
theater  and  the  dance  with  gentlemen,  unohaperoned.     It 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  275 

is  only  when  she  travels  abroad  or  stops  at  a  hotel  for 
any  length  of  time  that  social  requirements  still  command 
that  she  be  chaperoned.  But  even  then,  the  girl  who 
travels  on  business  purposes,  need  feel  no  embarrassment 
when  she  is  alone,  if  her  manner  and  speech  are  as  pol- 
ished and  correct  as  they  should  be. 


THE   YOUNG   COUNTRY  MISS 

In  the  small  town  or  in  the  country,  if  a  young  girl  goes 
to  a  party  or  other  social  meeting  with  a  young  man,  he 
is,  of  course,  expected  to  escort  her  home  again.  If  the 
hour  is  early  and  the  family  will  probably  still  be  up,  she 
may  invite  him  in  if  she  wishes  to  do  so.  But  it  is  not  an 
obligation.  If  it  is  late,  she  does  not  invite  him  into  the 
house,  but  she  may  ask  him  to  call.  In  some  sections  of 
the  United  States  it  is  still  considered  correct  for  the 
young  man  himself  to  request  that  he  be  permitted  to 
call. 

A  correspondent  has  written  to  inquire  whether  or  not 
it  is  correct  for  a  young  girl  to  thank  a  yovmg  man  for 
his  escort  just  before  leaving  him  at  her  own  door.  Evi- 
dently the  young  lady  who  has  written  has  herself  been 
in  doubt  as  to  whether  or  not  it  is  correct.  In  this  in- 
stance, circmnstances  alter  cases.  If  she  were  a  young 
country  miss  returning  from  an  informal  village  function, 
she  would  by  no  means  oifer  thanks.  But  if  the  young 
man  has  obviously  put  himself  to  an  inconvenience  to  es- 
cort her  home,  then  it  is  only  polite  that  she  offer  him 
some  expression  of  gratitude,  A  city  girl  does  not  thank 
her  escort,  but  he,  on  the  other  hand,  may  thank  her  for 
a  very  pleasant  afternoon  or  evening  if  he  wishes  to  do  so. 


e76  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

THE   GIEIi   AND    HEE   MOTHEBi 

The  young  girl  should  follow  her  mother's  example  and 
advice  in  all  things.  Eighteen  is  the  correct  coming-out 
age  for  the  young  American  girl,  and  until  then  she 
should  obey  her  mother  without  question.  She  should  be 
guided  by  her  wider  experience,  by  her  more  mature 
knowledge.  But  tmfortunately  this  is  not  always  so. 
Mothers  and  daughters  are  not  the  "pals"  they  ought 
to  be. 

Recently  a  woman  was  asked  by  a  very  close  friend  why 
she  aEowed  her  daughter  to  attend  the  theater  and  the 
dance  with  a  young  man  who  was  of  questionable  char- 
acter. "Surely  you  have  some  influence  over  her,"  the 
friend  persisted.  "Tell  her  to  avoid  him."  But  she  sim- 
ply smiled  in  a  tired  sort  of  way  and  said,  "I  am  only  her 
mother." 

This  should  not  be.  The  mother  should  guide  her 
daughter  in  all  she  does,  and  the  daughter  should  be  will- 
ing to  abide  by  her  mother's  decisions.  Otherwise  that 
sacred,  beautiful  friendship  that  can  be  created  only  be- 
tween a  mother  and  daughter  will  never  exist. 

rOE  THE  SHY  AND  SELF-CONSCIOUS 

A  great  many  of  us  suffer  from  self-consciousness.  We 
always  imagine  that  people  are  looking  at  us,  talking 
about  us,  ridiculing  us.  We  are  never  at  ease  among 
strangers,  never  happy  when  people  are  around.  We  are 
always  embarrassed,  shy,  ill  at  ease. 

There  is  a  story  told  about  the  famous  Hawthorne  who 
was  so  shy  and  self-conscious  that  he  ran  out  of  the  house 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  277 

or  hid  iiimself  whenever  he  saw  visitors  approaching.  His 
wife,  who  was  also  very  timid  and  retiring  by  nature,  was 
left  to  entertain  the  guests  as  best  she  could.  Hawthorne 
was  heartily  ashamed  of  himself,  but  instead  of  trying 
to  overcome  his  self-consciousness  he  sought  and  found 
forgetfulness  in  his  books  and  writings.  His  wife,  on  the 
other  hand,  was  forced  to  overcome  her  natural  timidity 
for  the  sake  of  her  husband  and  for  the  sake  of  the  hos- 
pitality of  the  Hawthorne  home.  And  because  she  de- 
termined to  do  it,  she  soon  became  entirely  unself-con- 
scious  and  able  to  conduct  herself  with  ease  and  uncon- 
cern even  among  the  most  celebrated  people. 

And  so  you  see  that  self-consciousness  can  be  overcome. 
There  is  no  reason  for  the  bride  to  feel  embarrassed  and 
ill  at  ease  when  she  is  hostess  for  the  first  time  in  her  new 
home.  There  is  no  reason  for  the  young  girl  to  feel  shy 
and  timid  when  she  is  introduced  in  society.  There  is  no 
reason  for  the  young  man  to  be  self-conscious  in  the  pres- 
ence of  ladies.  A  little  will  power  and  a  little  sincere  ef- 
fort will  banish  this  fault  forever. 

POEGET    ABOUT    TOUKSELP 

That  is  the  only  way  you  can  hope  to  cure  yourself 
of  self-consciousness — forget  about  yourself!  There  are 
SO  many  delightful  things  you  can  think  of,  so  many  in- 
teresting things  beyond  the  selfish  little  boundaries  of 
your  own  self.  Send  your  thoughts  abroad,  send  them 
into  the  universe  to  drink  deeply  of  knowledge  and  learn- 
ing, to  delve  into  the  wells  of  profound  interest  that  sur- 
round us  on  every  side — and  forget  about  tlie  petty 
commonplaces  of  life,  the  unimportant  everyday  conven- 
tionalities.    Then  you  will  forget  about  yourself  also, 


278  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

and  before  you  realize  it  you  will  be  calm,  dignified,  un- 
afraid. All  suggestion  of  self-consciousness  will  have 
vanished. 

WHY  THE  SHY  ARE  AWKWARD 

When  a  bride  leaves  a  small  country  place  to  become 
the  hostess  in  a  large  house  in  a  large  city,  she  is  very 
likely  to  feel  ill  at  ease  and  conscious  of  herself.  Nat- 
urally, this  makes  her  awkward  in  her  manners. 

Shyness  is  over-sensitiveness — la  shrinking  from  ob- 
servation. It  causes  us  to  worry  about  what  others  are 
thinking  about  us,  and  naturally  it  makes  us  morbid. 
Thus  we  are  kept  from  appearing  at  our  best,  and  in  all 
our  manners  and  actions  we  appear  awkward  and  nerv- 
ous. It  is  very  necessary  to  overcome  this  fault  if  one 
wishes  to  mingle  with  people  of  the  best  society. 

Orison  Swett  Harden  says,  "If  you  are  a  victim  of 
timidity  and  self-depreciation,  afraid  to  say  your  soul  is 
your  own;  if  you  creep  about  the  world  as  though  you 
thought  you  were  taking  up  room  which  belonged  to  some- 
body else;  if  you  are  bashful,  timid,  confused,  tongue- 
tied  when  you  ought  to  assert  yourself,  say  to  yourself, 
*I  am  a  child  of  the  King  of  Kings.  I  will  no  longer 
suffer  this  cowardly  timidity  to  rule  me.  I  am  made  by 
the  same  Creator  who  has  made  all  other  human  beings. 
They  are  my  brothers  and  sisters.  There  is  no  more  rea- 
son why  I  should  be  afraid  to  express  what  I  feel  or  think 
before  them  than  if  they  were  in  my  own  family.'  " 

The  great  inspirational  writer  has  shown  you  in  this 
little  paragraph  the  way  to  overcome  your  self-conscious- 
ness— the  foolish  timidity  that  is  robbing  you  of  your 
privilege  of  self-assertion,  of  your  ease  and  grace  of  man- 
ner, of  your  very  happiness.     Whenever  you  feel  embar- 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  279 

rassed  and  ill  at  ease  in  the  presence  of  strangers,  think 
of  the  words  of  Marden.  Remember  that  you  are  one  of 
the  children  of  the  universe,  that  we  are  all  brothers  and 
sisters,  and  that  you  have  as  much  right  to  assert  your- 
self as  any  other  man  or  woman  in  the  world.  And 
when  you  finally  do  overcome  your  timidity  you  will  find 
that  you  have  acquired  a  splendid  new  grace  and  charm 
of  manner. 


SELF-CONFIDENCE  VEESTJS  CONCErT 

Do  not  have  the  mistaken  idea  that  confidence  in  one- 
self, lack  of  self-consciousness,  is  conceit.  As  a  matter 
of  fact,  it  is  much  better  to  be  shy  and  self-conscious 
than  to  be  a  pert,  aggressive  egotist. 

The  first  lesson  to  learn,  in  your  crusade  against  self- 
consciousness,  is  that  you  must  not  be  ashamed  of  your 
shyness.  That  will  make  you  even  more  conscious  of 
yourself.  Forget  that  you  are  shy.  Or  if  you  cannot 
forget,  tell  yourself  that  it  is  better  to  be  reserved  and 
modest  than  to  be  conceited  and  aggressive.  Do  not  shrink 
from  strangers,  but  meet  them  and  talk  to  them  as  though 
they  were  your  brothers,  or  sisters.  Treat  everyone  like 
an  equal,  but  do  not  treat  yourself  as  an  inferior. 

Self-confidence  is  what  makes  success,  wliether  it  is  in 
the  social  world  or  the  business  world.  It  was  self-confi- 
dence that  helped  Edison  with  each  new  invention.  It  was 
self-confidence  that  enabled  Madame  Marie  Curie,  penni- 
less and  obscure,  to  discover  radium,  the  greatest  and 
most  wonderful  metal  in  the  world.  All  achievement  is 
founded  on  self-confidence — not  of  the  aggressive  sort,  but 
of  the  quiet,  calm,  unassuming  sort  that  is  so  easy  to 
develop  if  one  wiU  only  try. 


280  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

Determine  that  you  will  no  longer  allow  timidity  and 
shyness  to  rule  you.  Assert  yourself!  And  watch  how 
your  manners  improve. 

COUNTEY  HOSPITAI.rrY 

The  country  hostess  must  not  feel  that  she  is  expected 
to  entertain  her  guests  in  city  fashion.  There  is  a  great 
deal  of  difference  between  the  facilities  and  conditions  of 
country  and  city  life,  and  social  activities  are  consequently 
different  in  both  localities. 

In  the  country  there  is  much  less  mingling  with 
strangers  than  there  is  in  the  city.  Social  entertainments 
are  confined  very  largely  to  the  home  fireside.  There  are 
few  clubs,  few  large  halls  and  auditoriums.  A  feeling  of 
intimacy  and  good-fellowship  exists  which  is  entirely  lack- 
ing in  large  cities.  Almost  everybody  knows  everybody 
else,  and  when  a  large  entertainment  is  given,  the  whole 
village  knows  about  it. 

To  attempt  to  emulate  her  city  sister  would  be  folly  for 
the  country  hostess.  She  hasn't  the  facilities  nor  the 
natural  conditions  conducive  to  the  elaborate  and  strictly 
formal  entertainments  and  activities  of  the  city.  In  the 
country  everything  should  be  on  a  simpler,  more  informal 
basis;  the  natural  beauties  of  the  country  are  certainly 
not  compatible  with  the  fashionable  and  often  ostenta- 
tious activities  of  the  city. 

IMPOETANCE    OF    SIMPLICITY 

We  go  to  the  country  because  we  are  tired  of  the  town 
and  we  want  rest,  quiet,  peace.  We  do  not  expect  to  find 
a  frenzied  attempt  at  imitation  of  city  entertainments. 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  281 

Yet  this  is  what  so  many  hostesses  do — instead  of  retain- 
ing the  delightful  natural  simplicity  of  their  homes,  they 
feel  that  they  must  entertain  their  city  friends  in  city 
fashion.    And  invariably  they  fail. 

Very  often  when  a  city  man  or  woman  is  tired  of  the 
sham  and  narrow  conventionalities  of  city  life,  he  or  she 
will  plan  to  visit  a  country  friend.  If  that  country  friend 
is  wise,  he  or  she  will  make  no  elaborate  preparations,  but 
just  greet  the  friend  with  the  simple  country  hospitality 
that  is  so  alluring  to  city  people.  Where  in  the  city  can 
you  find  the  good-fellowship,  the  spontaneity,  the  cour- 
teous kindliness  that  you  find  in  the  small  town  and  vil- 
lage? Where  in  the  city  can  you  find  the  open-hearted 
generosity,  the  sympathetic  understanding  and  the  simple 
courtesy  that  you  find  among  country  people.?  The  ela- 
borate ball  room  with  its  richly  gowned  women  is  charm- 
ing and  impressive ;  but  the  simple  country  party  with  its 
Virginia  reel,  the  daughters  in  their  party  clothes  and 
mothers  in  their  "best  black  silks"  are  no  less  charming. 

For  the  sake  of  those  young  men  and  women  who  live  in 
the  country  and  know  liveried  chauffeurs  and  uniformed 
butlers  only  through  books,  for  the  sake  of  those  men  and 
women  who  live  in  the  country  because  they  love  simplicity 
and  the  beauties  of  nature,  but  for  those  who  are  eager  to 
know  good  manners  and  know  what  is  correct  at  all  times, 
we  are  writing  the  following  paragraphs  on  etiquette  in 
the  small  town.    Let  us  first  write  about 

THE  HOSTESS 

When  entertaining  guests  from  the  city,  fresh  flowers 
should  be  brought  into  the  house  every  day.  The  meal 
served  should  be  simple ;  elaborate  course  dinners  are  not 


28«  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

in  good  form  when  the  facilities  of  the  hostess  do  not  per- 
mit them.  Nothing  ostentatious  should  be  attempted; 
just  simple,  homelike  hospitality  such  as  is  offered  the 
neighbors  and  friends  of  the  village. 

Early  dining  is  usual  in  the  country,  especially  in  the 
summer.  Sometimes  high  tea  is  served.  The  tea-urn  is 
placed  on  the  table  before  the  hostess  to  give  a  homelike 
air  to  the  function,  and  fruits  and  flowers  are  placed  in 
cut  glass  bowls  on  the  table.  Preserves,  honey  and  cakes 
should  also  be  on  the  table  in  cut  glass  or  china  dishes. 
Hot  biscuits,  muffins  and  wafers  are  usually  served  at 
high  tea,  with  one  substantial  dish  like  cold  chicken,  salad 
or  cold  sliced  meats. 

Hammocks,  tennis  courts,  rowboats,  etc.,  should  be 
placed  at  the  disposal  of  visiting  guests.  The  considerate 
hostess  always  plans  some  sort  of  entertainment  for  guests 
that  have  come  a  long  way  to  visit  her,  but  she  does  not 
make  any  attempt  to  provide  anything  elaborate.  A  sim- 
ple country  dance  or  a  musicale  is  relaxing  and  enter- 
taining. 

Protection  from  flies,  mosquitoes,  etc.  should  be  pro- 
vided for  guests.  If  chairs  and  hammocks  are  on  the 
porch,  it  should  be  completely  screened  in  to  prevent  mos- 
quitoes from  annoying  the  guests.  It  is  just  such  little 
considerations  as  these  that  make  country  hospitality  so 
delightful. 

THE  GUEST 

Whether  you  are  a  guest  from  the  city,  or  a  friend  from 
the  village,  you  have  a  certain  definite  cjtiquette  to  observe 
vhen  you  are  at  the  home  of  a  country  hostess.  First 
you  must  make  yourself  agreeable  and  helpful.    If  you  are 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  283 

from  the  city,  forget  the  restricting  formalities  you  have 
been  accustomed  to.  You  may  speak  to  everyone  in  the 
hostess'  drawing-room — or  parlor — even  though  there 
have  been  no  introductions.  And  if  you  see  an  elderly 
man  or  woman  standing  ail  alone  in  one  comer  of  the 
room,  you  can  go  over  to  him  or  her,  start  a  conversation, 
and  offer  to  get  a  diair  or  an  ice  for  the  stranger.  It  is 
not  necessary  to  wait  for  an  introduction. 

Do  not  be  dull  during  the  afternoon  or  evening.  Be 
pleasant  and  agreeable;  if  conversation  lags,  stimulate  it 
with  an  interesting  anecdote.  If  you  can  entertain  in  some 
way,  either  by  singing,  playing  some  musical  instrument, 
or  reciting,  don*t  be  backward  about  offering  your  ser- 
vices. Remember  you  are  not  in  an  elaborate  ball  room 
but  among  simple  country  folks,  and  if  you  can  provide 
enjoyable  entertainment  for  them,  they  will  appreciate  it 
just  as  much  as  you  yourself  will  enjoy  it. 

An  offish  person  always  spoils  the  fun  of  a  country 
party.  If  you  feel  that  you  are  superior  to  the  Virginia 
reel  and  the  apple  paring  contests,  do  not  attend.  Move 
to  the  city  where  you  can  attend  elaborate  social  func- 
tions. But  while  you  are  at  the  party,  do  your  best  to  add 
to  the  general  enjoyment,  and  do  not  spoil  things  by  being 
disagreeable  and  unpleasant. 

It  is  poor  taste  to  wear  very  fashionable  city  clothes 
to  a  simple  country  entertainment.  If  you  come  from  the 
city,  wear  something  simple  and  pretty,  but  not  something 
that  will  make  you  conspicuous.  If  you  are  a  man  ana 
you  know  that  none  of  the  other  men  will  wear  full  dress, 
then  don't  be  presumptuous  enough  to  appear  in  your 
swallow-tail.  But  if  you  are  a  village  friend,  you  may 
wear  your  "Sunday  best"  for  undoubtedly  everyone  else 
who  attends  the  party  will  do  likewise- 


284  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

FOE  COUNTEY  FOLKS 

Never  attempt  to  make  false  impressions.  That  is  one 
great  fault  found  among  certain  country  people.  When 
city  friends  call,  they  attempt  to  overawe  them  with  their 
superiority.  While  the  city  friends  are  with  them,  they  do 
not  notice  their  village  friends  at  church,  nor  do  they 
invite  them  to  their  house.  They  devote  themselves  exclu- 
sively to  their  friends  from  the  city — and  invariably  those 
friends  return  home  disappointed  and  disillusioned. 

When  people  move  in  the  neighborhood,  it  is  considered 
polite  to  pay  them  the  first  visit — "to  extend  the  hand  of 
welcome,'*  as  the  expression  is.  The  hostess  should  offer 
a  cup  of  tea  with  crackers  or  cake,  and  she  should  make 
herself  agreeable  in  every  way.  However,  the  acquaintance 
should  not  be  forced ;  if  the  new-comers  are  haughty  and 
aloof,  it  is  well  to  leave  them  to  themselves,  until  they 
have  absorbed  some  of  the  good-fellowship  and  courtesy  of 
the  village. 

There  is  very  little  need  for  formal  calling  cards  in  the 
small  village  where  everybody  knows  everybody  else.  A 
great  many  of  the  conventionalities  of  city  life  are,  of 
course,  found  in  the  country;  but  a  great  many  more  of 
them  are  lacking.  And  among  them  are  the  strictly  formal 
introductions,  calls  and  social  functions  that  are  observed 
with  such  punctiliousness  in  the  city.  Simplicity  should 
be  the  keynote  of  country  life,  and  quiet,  dignified  man- 
ners should  be  the  ideal  of  country  people. 

THE    ENDLESS    BOUND    OF    HOSPITALITY 

Hospitality  does  not  mean  the  giving  of  sumptuous 
banquets  or  elaborate  dinners.    It  does  not  mean  the  ex- 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  285 

travagant  recklessness  of  much-talked-about  house  par- 
ties, or  extended  yachting  trips.  It  does  not  mean  the 
holding  of  gay  and  festive  balls. 

No,  it  means  none  of  these,  for  even  in  the  most  humble 
home  one  can  find  the  truest  hospitality.  There  need  be 
no  rich  display,  no  obvious  effort  at  ostentation.  For 
hospitality  is  that  open-hearted,  open-handed,  generous, 
lovable;  beautiful  fellow-feeling  for  fellow-mortals — the 
kind  of  feeling  that  makes  you  throw  open  your  home, 
small  apartment  or  mighty  mansion,  as  the  case  may  be, 
and  bid  your  friends  and  acquaintances  welcome.  Wel- 
come, mind  you,  that  has  in  its  greeting  none  of  the  sham 
cordiality,  that  wealthy  people  sometimes  parade  merely 
for  the  sake  of  being  able  to  show  their  worldly  goods  to 
the  envious  eyes  of  their  guests, — ^but  a  whole-souled  and 
whole-hearted  welcome  that  is  willing  to  share  everything 
one  has. 

And  so,  the  round  of  hospitality  goes  endlessly  on,  host 
and  hostess  making  the  pleasure  and  comfort  of  the  guest 
their  prime  consideration.  Parties,  receptions,  dances, 
balls,  dinners — all  are  instances  of  the  eagerness  of  the 
world,  the  social  world,  to  entertain,  to  give  pleasure,  to 
amuse.  And  the  guests,  in  their  turn,  repay  the  hospitali- 
ties with  other  hospitalities  of  their  own.  And  we  find,  in 
this  glorious  twentieth  century  it  is  our  fortime  to  be 
living  in,  a  wholesome,  generous  hospitality  that  puts  to 
shame  the  history-famed  achievements  of  kings  and  princes 
of  yore. 

WHEN  TO  INVITE 

The  question  naturally  arises,  what  are  the  occasions 
that  require  hospitality?  Frankly,  there  are  no  definite 
occasions.     Hospitality  is  the  index  to  breeding  and  cul- 


286  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

ture  at  all  times.  But  there  are  certain  ceremonious  occa- 
sions that  warrant  the  invited  Jiospitality — and  such  are 
the  occasions  that  we  will  study  in  this  chapter. 

First,  we  find  the  wedding  anniversary  claiming  the 
ceremony  of  many  invited  guests  and  much  festive  enter- 
tainment. Thus,  wedding  anniversaries  offer  an  excellent 
opportunity  for  hospitality.  Then  there  is  the  occasion 
of  the  young  daughter's  introduction  to  society — an  event 
which  is  important,  indeed,  and  requires  the  utmost  hos- 
pitality on  the  part  of  host  and  hostess  alike.  When  one's 
son  graduates  from  college,  a  little  dinner  party  and 
perhaps  some  musical  entertainment  afterward  is  an  ap- 
propriate time  to  show  by  one's  hospitality,  sincere  grati- 
tude for  the  splendid  educational  opportunities  afforded 
the  youth  of  America.  Oh,  there  are  countless  opportu- 
nities, countless  "excuses,"  if  you  will  call  it  that,  count- 
less occasions  when  hospitality  can  be  shown  to  one's 
friends  and  acquaintances !  And  it  is  only  by  taking  ad- 
vantage of  these  opportimities,  by  revealing  one's  unselfish, 
ungrudging  hospitality,  that  one  rightly  earns  the  name 
of  cultured. 

The  hostess  who  sighs  in  relief  when  the  guest  has  de- 
parted is  not  truly  hospitable.  She  should  have  a  certain 
sense  of  satisfaction  in  the  knowledge  of  her  very  weari- 
ness. For  hasn't  she  served  her  guests  well?  Hasn't  she 
sent  them  to  their  homes  a  little  happier  than  when  they 
first  came?    The  sigh  should  be  one  of  sheer  joy. 

No  one  invites  guests  to  his  or  her  home  to  make  them 
unhappy.  Therefore,  if  among  your  friends  you  number 
one  whose  worldly  goods  are  very  much  less  than  your 
own,  do  not  invite  him  or  her  to  a  fashionable  ball  where 
rich  display  will  make  him  feel  sadly  out  of  place.  Rather 
save  the  invitation  for  a  quiet,  afternoon  tea.    And  on  the 


PARENTS  AND  CHILDREN  287 

other  hand,  if  you  are  unable  to  care  for  the  wants  and 
comforts  of  several  guests,  do  not  invite  them  to  house 
parties. 

jBe  hospitable — ^but  above  all  use  good  sense  and  good 
judgment  before  you  invite. 

THE  GUESTS  AND  THEIK  DUTIES 

The  fact  that  America  is  the  home  of  hospitality  and 
land  of  the  most  generous  hostesses,  does  not  indicate 
necessarily  that  the  guest,  in  his  selfishness,  should  take 
advantage  of  it.  A  well-bred,  considerate  person  always 
seeks  to  minimize  as  far  as  possible  the  efforts  of  his  or 
her  hostess,  and  to  make  the  visit  or  stay  pleasant.  She, 
or  he,  constantly  endeavors  to  aid  the  hostess  in  providing 
entertainment.  In  short,  he  returns  the  hospitality  of  the 
host  and  hostess,  with  a  hospitality  of  his  own — a  hospi- 
tahty  that,  in  its  consideration  and  regard  for  the  rights 
of  others,  is  one  of  the  beautiful  things  that  makes  life 
worth  the  living. 

It  is  superb — this  giving  and  returning  of  hospitality: 
We  find  a  worried,  anxious  business  man,  forgetting  for 
the  moment  his  pressing  affairs  in  the  diverting  entertain- 
ments provided  for  him  by  his  hostess ;  in  return,  exerting 
every  eff'ort  to  contribute  to  the  success  of  the  evening,  to 
join  in  the  conversation  when  he  would  rather  be  silent  and 
pensive,  to  be  witty  and  humorous  when  he  would  much 
prefer  being  moody  and  despondent.  And  so  it  goes  on, 
a  constant  giving  and  returning  of  hospitality,  so  beauti- 
ful and  so  inspiring  that  it  is  worthy  of  the  stress  given 
to  it  in  the  social  world. 

There  are  some  paramount  obligations  which  the  guest 

must  observe.     Among  them,  perhaps  most  exacting,  is 

^J»anctuality.     To  keep  others  waiting,  to  be  continually 


S88  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 

tardy,  is  to  demonstrate  one's  rudeness  and  want  of  good 
breeding.  Promptness  in  regard  to  the  answering  of  invi- 
tations, punctuality  in  attending  dinners,  luncheons  and 
parties  of  any  kind, — these  are  marks  of  good  breeding. 

If  one  is  invited  to  a  dance  or  party  and  does  not  wish 
to  attend  without  an  out-of-town  friend  who  happens  to 
be  stopping  with  him  or  her  at  the  time — a  friend  who  cer- 
tainly cannot  be  deserted  on  the  afternoon  or  evening  of 
the  occasion — it  is  permissible  to  write  a  cordial  note  to 
the  hostess  explaining  the  situation  and  requesting  that  an 
invitation  be  extended  to  the  friend.  However,  no  resent- 
ment should  be  felt  if  the  hostess  finds  she  must  refuse 
the  request ;  for  she  may  have  had  to  refuse  some  of  her 
own  friends  on  account  of  conditions  beyond  her  control. 

But  no  guest  may  bring  to  a  party,  dance  or  dinner,  a 
friend  or  acquaintance  who  has  not  been  invited.  This  is 
considered  a  breach  of  etiquette,  and  the  hostess  is  not 
inhospitable  when  she  does  not  invite  that  particular  guest 
again. 

The  guest  must  conform  in  all  things  to  the  tastes  and 
customs  of  his  host  and  hostess.  He  must  find  (or  feign) 
enjoyment  in  everything  that  is  proposed  by  them,  every- 
thing that  is  offered  by  them  in  the  way  of  entertainment. 

In  taking  leave  of  the  hostess  it  is  necessary  to  thank 
her  cordially.  Criticisms,  either  of  the  conduct  of  some 
other  guest,  or  of  servants,  are  poor  form  and  should  be 
avoided.  The  ideal  guest  is  the  one  who  has  that  ease 
and  poise  of  manner,  that  calmness  and  kindness  of  tem- 
per, that  loving  and  lovable  disposition  that  makes  people 
somehow  want  to  talk  to  and  be  with  him.  Such  a  guest 
needs  no  set  of  rules — inherently  he  knows  the  laws  of 
good  conduct  and  fine  manners;  he  is  the  boon  of  hosts 
and  hostesses  the  world  over. 


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sincerely 

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remain   your 
Majesty's  most 
obedient  servant 

I  have  the  honor  to 
remain  your 
Royal  Highness' 
bumble  servant 

I  have  the  honor  to 
remain  your 
Grace's  most 
obedient  servant 

I  have  the  honor  to 
remain  your 
Grace's  most 
obedient  servant 

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King  George 
(Queen  Mary) 

To  His  (Her)  Royal 
Highness,  the 
Prlqce  of  Wales 
(or  Princess  Mary) 

To  His  (Her)  Grace, 
the  Dul<e  of 
Devonshire  (or 
Duchess  of 
Devonshire) 

To  Her  Grace,  the 
Dowager  Duchess 
of  Devonshire, 
or 

To  Her  Grace,  Anne, 
Duchess  of 
Devonshire 

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University  of  California 

SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

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